by Trina M. Lee
He peered up at me, relaxed in his seat, daring me to be the one to blow it. I could’ve slapped him. Unable to look at him any longer without doing it, I turned to Shaz.
“We’re keeping something from you. Something that could get you killed if you knew. Are you ok with that? Secrets? Possibly even lies. Is that really something you can live with?” I probably shouldn’t have said a damn thing, but they were making this difficult.
Shaz leaned forward, reaching to grab my hand. He brushed a warm kiss over my fingertips. “Our relationship has never been conventional. As people, maybe we’re not the best match. People are selfish. They make mistakes, and they rarely mate for life these days. But we are not mere people. Our wolves are as tightly bound as you and Arys are. I know you would never intentionally hurt me. I trust you, Lex.”
My shoulders sagged. Shaz had deflated my anger with his calm response. I was still convinced that he needed to move on, but I was touched by his devotion. One day he would see that I was right. If I were smart, I’d enjoy every second until that moment arrived.
“He’s a keeper,” Jez proclaimed as she dipped a pickle into the sour cream container. She’d done a good job of emptying the fridge onto the kitchen counter. “Feel free to get it on in the middle of the living room. I’ll just be here stuffing my face. You won’t even notice me.”
She got me to crack a smile even though I was trying to ignore her smartass wisecracks. Arys graced her with a grin and a, “Good Lord, that looks disgusting.”
Our discussion was disrupted by a bang on the front door. Good timing. I was ready to escape this conversation. I headed for the door with Arys shadowing me. As I drew closer I could sense the wolf on the other side. As far as I knew, he wasn’t supposed to be home from his honeymoon yet.
“Coby?” I opened the door on a question. My confusion gave way to panic when I caught sight of the tragic expression on his face. “Coby? What’s wrong? Where’s Kylarai?”
Hazel wolf eyes scanned me, taking note of my new state of being. It seemed to momentarily fluster him. He tripped over his tongue a few times. “She’s at the house. We had to come home early. Something happened.”
My heart dropped. Dear God, no. I held my breath out of mortal habit. “The baby?”
He opened his mouth, closed it, and just nodded. Coby didn’t have to say anything. I knew. My wolf propelled me through the doorway. His pain called me. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him close, breathing in his wolfy scent. He stiffened for just a moment before throwing his arms around me.
“I’m sorry, Coby. I’m so sorry.” My voice was muffled against his shoulder. There was only a split second where the bloodlust threatened, but it was beat back by the wolf reigning strong in me as she sought to comfort one of her own.
“We knew it was a long shot, but seeing her heart break like that… Nothing could have prepared me for it. I feel so goddamn powerless.” His voice cracked, and he buried his face in my hair.
Coby was one of only two wolves I’d ever turned. He’d only been in our lives for a few months, but in that time he’d come to feel like family. We’d formed a friendship, and he’d stolen my dear friend’s heart. The two of them had met and married in a matter of months. It was crazy but it was perfect. He and Kylarai were made for one another.
Jez and Shaz came to stand silently in the doorway. After a moment Shaz joined us, placing a hand on Coby’s shoulder as he offered his quiet comfort. Being surrounded by the lively wolf energy brought out my own beast in full. In that moment, it was all I was.
“Ky doesn’t know I’m here,” Coby said when I relinquished my hold on him. “She didn’t want to tell you guys yet. She didn’t want to upset you. I told her I was running to the store, but I needed to come. It feels like something we need to share.”
“It is.” Shaz caught my eye, and we shared a look of deep concern. “We’re family. We’re here for you.”
Arys hung back inside the house, watching the three of us gathered on the front step. “You should go. Be with her. You have a couple hours before sunrise.”
I nodded. He was right. Kylarai needed us. We’d been pack, until we weren’t. But we would always be family. Shaz and I had forged a bond with Ky that would never be broken.
“Yeah, we need to go.” I ran a shaky hand through my hair. Emotion threatened to overwhelm me. My bottom lip trembled, and I clamped my teeth on it to make it stop.
“What about you?” Coby asked, giving me another appraising look. “Are you ok? I mean, when did this happen?”
“Right after you left. It’s been a tough transition, but nothing I can’t handle.” That felt like a lie, but this was not about me. “Don’t worry about me at all. We need to take care of Kylarai.”
After a few words with Jez, who assured me that she was fine for an hour or two, I followed Shaz to his car. Arys let me go without another word. As I opened the passenger door, I glanced back to find him watching me from the house. Somehow this put everything into perspective. As big as our problems were, they paled in comparison to what Kylarai was facing. I couldn’t begin to understand, but I knew that I’d be a fool to think I had a right to keep feeling sorry for myself.
As we followed Coby through town to Ky’s house, I fought tears. I felt like I had to keep it together, to stay strong for Kylarai.
“It’s ok to feel something, Lex,” Shaz said, never taking his eyes off the road. “I get that it might be easier for you right now to numb out, but I don’t think you should. Not for this.”
I studied him. From his tight grip on the wheel to the tension that seeped from him in waves, Shaz was fighting hard to keep it together. He was hurting for our friend, and it just made me love him more than I already did. I hadn’t thought it possible.
“Trust me, I’m not numbing out. I’m just trying not to give in to the urge to cry. I don’t want to show up with blood all over my face.” I paused, staring at the taillights of Coby’s car up ahead. “Is it a bad idea for me to be here? Discovering that I died while she was gone might not help Kylarai.”
“Actually, I think it will. She’ll fuss over you. Which might be what she needs right now. It’ll give her something else to focus on.” Shaz glanced at me then, and feeling it, I turned to meet his gaze in the dark. “Ky is the last person this should happen to.”
I nodded and swallowed around the lump in my throat. We all knew that werewolves were generally unable to have babies. Conception happened only in rare cases. The odds had remained against Ky carrying to term, but I’d refused to believe this could happen to her. She deserved more.
Even though I knew I shouldn’t ask, Shaz had given me reason to. Tentatively, I said, “Do you think I numb everything out? Because I couldn’t even if I wanted to. There are times when it’s easier, it lets me escape for a while. But if you think I could just turn off what I feel for you, then you are very wrong.”
Shaz maneuvered the car into Kylarai’s neighborhood. He didn’t look at me when he said, “Good.”
Pulling up to Kylarai’s house brought with it a strong sense of nostalgia. I hadn’t lived there in almost a year, and so much had changed for us both since then, but it still felt a little like coming home.
As I opened the car door, Shaz touched my shoulder. “You’ll be ok here, right? Should I be ready for you to vamp out?” His expression was apologetic even as he said it.
Though I wanted to be offended, I wasn’t. The truth was, anything could happen. So I flashed him a small smile meant to reassure. “I have you. My anchor. I’ll be fine.” What I didn’t say was that it would be later, when I was able to work out my feelings on an unsuspecting victim, that was when I would not be ok.
My trepidation grew as we reached the front door.
Coby was there waiting for us. “She’s in the living room,” he said, gesturing for me to go ahead.
The house smelled so much like wolf, I was momentarily overwhelmed. Then I was sad. I missed this place. Pushing on into the hous
e, I followed the narrow hallway to the living room, then paused in the doorway.
Kylarai was on the couch in her pajamas, knees pulled up in front of her and a crumpled tissue in one hand. She stared absently at the TV, clearly not seeing what was playing out in front of her. Her grey eyes were red rimmed, her cheeks tear streaked. The strongest woman I knew was broken, and I was powerless to help her.
Sensing my presence, she looked up, blinking a few times. “Alexa? What are you doing here?”
“Are you kidding me?” I sprang into motion, all but rushing over to the couch. Plopping down beside Ky, I flung my arms around her, unable to hold back. “Nothing could have kept me from coming.”
I hugged her tight, and she crumpled against me. Our wolves took note of each other, a bittersweet reunion tainted by heartbreak.
“I told Coby not to tell you guys yet.” Ky’s voice was muffled against my shoulder. “Damn, I love that man. I’m glad he didn’t listen.”
“Ky, I’m so sorry.” I faltered, unable to offer anything else and feeling like shit about it.
We huddled together on the couch for a long time in the comfortable silence of wolves. After she’d calmed, she glared up at me with accusation. “You knew, didn’t you? Before I left, you knew you were going to die while I was away. God, Lex, I can’t even believe it. You’re still you but you’re so different.”
“Yeah,” I admitted, knowing better than to lie to the passive-aggressive werewolf. “I knew. I found out the night of the wedding. There’s no way in hell I was going to ruin that for you.”
With a gentle hand she touched my face, gazing into my eyes and studying the vampire fangs I was still learning to hide with my top lip. “Aww, Alexa. You should’ve told me.”
I laughed her off, unable to hide the swell of emotion. “There was nothing you could have done, Ky. Your big day was more important. I’m fine, ok? You don’t have to take care of me. Let us all take care of you for once.”
Her grey eyes filled with tears that never fell, and a smile so sad it broke my heart curved her lips. “I don’t know how. For so long I’ve been in control of everything, taking care of the rest of you. It makes me feel strong, needed. I killed my way out of an abusive marriage and blew the head off the wolf who attacked me. But I can’t fight this. I can’t fix this. I don’t know what to do with myself.”
Even though her voice broke and she exuded pain in waves, still she didn’t let those tears fall. Kylarai had suffered so much that she’d learned to be soft when it was safe and hard the rest of the time.
“You need to take some time to process everything. Be here with your husband and let him be your rock. Don’t feel like this is something you have to fix. Right now you need to just…be.” I held her close, feeling elated that there were no horrible thoughts of tasting her blood flitting through my head. Just once did I pause to wonder if she would taste as good as Shaz.
Coby and Shaz entered the living room from the kitchen, having made some tea for Kylarai.
Coby sat down on Ky’s other side and pressed the mug handle into her grip. “Here, this will help you sleep,” he said, kissing her temple. “I think you need some rest. You haven’t slept since we got home.”
Shaz perched on the arm of the couch next to me and reached to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. We were our own little pack, and words were not necessary. Kylarai reached to lay a hand on top of Shaz’s, though her gaze was transfixed on her tea.
Sitting there with three werewolves and their lovely, intoxicating aroma began to get uncomfortable. Watching Kylarai sip her tea led to watching the pulse beat in her throat. I edged closer to Shaz, reaching for his free hand.
“So, tell us what happened,” Kylarai said, gesturing to me. “Don’t leave anything out.”
Talking about the events that took place while she was away might have helped Ky escape the things that haunted her for a few minutes, but for me it made those ghosts lurk much closer. Telling her and Coby about the night I died and the strain of adjusting since made me that much more aware of the rich wolf blood surrounding me. I paused a few times when speaking, trying to gather myself.
“How bad do you want to tear us apart right now?” Curiosity glimmered in Kylarai’s gaze. “I’ve seen that same look in Kale’s eyes.” I flinched when she said his name. I didn’t mean to. She didn’t miss it. “What? Did something happen with Kale?”
Shaz shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat but said nothing. Ky looked back and forth between us, drawing her own conclusions.
“About Kale,” I began. “He left town. He went to Vegas with Jenner. Things got crazy right after I turned. We couldn’t handle it. So, uh, he’s gone.”
Because Kylarai wasn’t stupid, she nodded in understanding and didn’t press it further. I would open up to her later, when we were alone and the time was right.
Patting my leg, she said, “I’m glad Lena was able to save your wolf.”
“Me too.” Because sunrise was drawing closer and I couldn’t contain myself much longer, I gave her another lingering hug, trying not to breathe too deeply of her scent. “We should go. Sunrise and all. Get some rest, ok?”
Leaving Kylarai was so hard. My wolf was insistent that I stay. During a time like this, we needed one another. Unfortunately, I needed to be safe at home when the sun rose, not locked in a house with people I never wanted to victimize.
I paused beside Shaz’s car, needing a moment before I got into the close confines with him. “Bet you thought I was going to lose it in there.”
He peered at me over the roof of the small car. “When you grabbed my hand, I thought for sure I’d have to drag you out of there. You proved me wrong.”
“My control isn’t that good yet. It was you. You keep me grounded.” Except for my first night as a vampire, I’d never lost total control with Shaz. It was a bittersweet realization. He’d never move on with his life if I remained so needy.
Something like relief passed over his face. He crushed it fast, replacing it with a forced smile. “I better get you home. It’s getting late.”
Again I was reminded that it wasn’t only me who’d been so deeply affected by my transition. As we made the short trip back to my house, I was burdened by the weight of the space that had grown between us. I couldn’t help but long to feel close to Shaz again. The wolf within paced with impatience.
It became awkward when we parked in my driveway and he stared expectantly at me, waiting for me to get out. I wanted him to stay, because my wolf didn’t give a crap about the things that formed a wedge between us. After being among my small wolf family, I wasn’t ready to let that sensation go.
“Try to get some rest, Lex. Don’t spend the day worrying about Ky. I don’t think you sleep enough.” The kiss Shaz leaned in for was chaste, a brush of his lips against the edge of my mouth. Barely a kiss at all.
It convinced me to swallow the urge to invite him in. We weren’t there yet. Ruffling his soft platinum hair, I said, “Goodnight, Shaz,” and got out of the car before I could rethink what was best for us.
Chapter Four
A day of tossing and turning while obsessing on Kylarai had gotten me all fired up. It killed me that she was going through something so excruciating and that I could do nothing to ease her pain.
I’d left Jez with the promise that I wouldn’t be long. Giving in to my unholy urges left Jez free to do the same. We couldn’t babysit each other constantly, so I’d reminded her of our promise to call one another if the temptation became too great. Jez had told me that I couldn’t slaughter my way through every problem. I begged to differ.
Maybe the john I had on his knees begging couldn’t take away the hell Kylarai was going through, but it was helping me to unleash the pent up emotions that pushed me from Jekyll to Hyde. If I didn’t take it out on someone deserving, I ran the risk of losing it in a way I might regret.
As much as I hated my dark side when I had my wits
about me, in moments of blood-hungry violence, I enjoyed every second. This was one of those times.
“Please don’t hurt me. I have a family.” The balding, middle-aged creep clasped his hands together as if praying to the angel of death. His eyes were huge, the whites bloodshot from too much booze. He stank of it.
I glanced around the small, dank motel room. The rumpled sheets on the bed, the leftover Chinese food on the table, and several days worth of beard growth supported what local youth worker, Brinley Kane, had told me about the guy.
“The family who kicked you out after your wife discovered your fetish for underage girls?” I questioned, walking a slow circle around him. “I don’t think they’re going to miss you. In fact, I’m probably doing them a favor.”
According to Brinley this guy here not only partook in the underage prostitution running rampant in the city but he also enjoyed abusing the girls. This was going to feel so good.
“I didn’t know she was underage.” He tried another desperate tactic. “I never would’ve touched her if I knew.”
Laughing venom, I grabbed one of the guy’s hands and snapped his pinky finger back. His scream fed my satisfaction.
“You didn’t know? Well then, how come you specifically requested underage girls from the pimp?” Without waiting for a reply, I snapped the next finger backward, pleased when I felt a pop. “Don’t fucking lie to me.”
There’d been a time when I might have questioned how such slime could exist. The twisted, depraved shit people did no longer surprised me. This world had jaded me already.
I couldn’t change the past. The horrors this man visited upon the lost children of the city would never be undone. However, I was both a Hound of God and a vampire. Both a protector and a killer of mankind. The death of this wretched human being could in turn save others from suffering at his hand and my own. Moments like this made me feel that perhaps there was some method to this madness after all.
