Joy’s sarcastic snort made me purse my lips to keep from laughing.
“You found me,” she said. I nodded, moving to sit on a nearby bench where I could talk to her without hovering.
“I need to ask you some questions,” I said, lacing my hands together as I leaned on my knees.
“You never just come to visit,” she lamented, but the twinkle in her eyes contradicted her tone.
“We’re not friends, and I’m not very good at being godly,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders.
“Well, stop getting in your own way then.” She grabbed a large handful of dirt and dropped it into the earth, pressing it down to keep the rose bush from wobbling.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I demanded, scowling. Fate didn’t speak without making it sound cryptic. I wanted to strangle her.
“You don’t think of yourself as a goddess. You are just you, a little witch with a lot of power. You can’t be anything if you can’t see yourself that way,” Fate replied, without looking up, picking at the thorn that snagged her sleeve.
My scowl deepened. She was right. Goddesses were perfect, beautiful, and mysterious to those around them. If I had any secrets, I knew them all, and though I had a lot of power, I wasn’t beautiful. I sighed, reaching up to play with my braid only to remember that it was gone.
“Drekvic could show you,” Fate said, and I curled my lip. “He’s been a god his entire life. I’m sure he knows how it feels.”
I almost laughed. Drekvic was the last person I would go to for advice.
“I feel sorry for anyone that would worship him,” I said, rubbing my forehead.
“The siekewa do,” she replied, looking up at me. My mood immediately sobered, and I felt a weight land on my shoulders.
“How do I save them?” I asked, leaning forward again, trying to focus on our conversation. The image of Drekvi’cs trembling hands pierced my thoughts, and my heart couldn’t help but feel heavy.
“Hope and I did it together. Turning a soul into a siekewa takes a lot of magic and self-loathing. Turning a siekewa back into a soul requires a lot of magic and a lot of self-love. It’s harder to build love than hate.”
She picked at a wilted rose on the bush. With a gentle touch, she massaged her magic into the flower, making it plump and full once more.
“You need to find your love.”
“My love?” I echoed, a sinking feeling making it difficult to breathe.
“For such a smart girl, sometimes you are really dense,” she muttered, drawing her hands away from the rose and reaching for the next one.
I didn’t rise to her bait, waiting for more.
“I’ve told you before that all life is balance. Each soul is equal parts light and dark. Sometimes an imbalance will occur and a soul will lean more toward one than the other. When those souls die, the collector drawn to them will balance their soul as they’re carried through the gates. By the time they reach the Beyond, they are in balance once more. The excess darkness and excess light will fade.”
I stared, wondering why she was giving me a lesson in something I already knew, but I didn’t interrupt, sensing she would eventually get to my questions.
“As a goddess, you don’t have that cleansing. Your soul will never stay in the Beyond or be taken through the gates, not until you give up your mantle. You need a different way to balance your soul to keep the world from going out of balance, too. How can you stop the darkness from seeping in if you are all dark? How can you push back the light if you cannot see the shadows?”
She continued working as she spoke, her long fingers caressing each rose. They were a beautiful shade of purple, rich and in sharp contrast to her fair skin. I tried to focus on her words, a bad feeling settling in my stomach.
“You must find your soul mate, the one strong enough to be your Hope. He will be your opposite, more dark than light. When you make love,” she paused, looking up at my strangled gasp. “Don’t give me that look,” she said, frowning.
I stood up, feeling goosebumps run down my arms and legs.
“You’re saying that my soulmate has to be the new Hope,” I said, my voice breaking slightly.
“Of course,” she answered, wrinkling her nose at my confusion. “That’s obvious. When you two are together, you’ll be able to see the world as it’s supposed to be. Until you find him, your power will only effectively be halved.”
“And what if I don’t love him?” I demanded. “What if I’m in love with someone else?”
“Then you better hope that someone is your soulmate,” Fate replied. “Otherwise, all the work you did to protect your sister and stop Drekvic from destroying the gates will have been for nothing. The gates will be unstable. There will be rifts and holes in the in-betweens. It’s already happening. That’s how you ended up in the spirit world during your run in the park.”
“Thanks for not telling me any of this when I agreed to take your place,” I snarled. Balancing realities didn’t fall on my shoulders alone, but it meant forcing my soulmate to become a god. Even so, how could I do anything else but find him?
She looked up at me, annoyance marring her perfect face.
“You wanted to save your sister and stop Drekvic. You wanted to fix your mistake. I’m sorry you didn’t ask about the fine details of this arrangement.”
“I feel like this is important enough to say something without me asking!” My magic surged with my words, and it was everything I could do to keep it in check. I knew from experience that attacking Fate wouldn’t do me any good.
“I don’t have any future except for one with this mysterious person. What I want won’t matter anymore, will it?”
Fate’s gaze softened, and she shrugged.
“Your Hope will be your soulmate, Ellie. It’s not like you’ll be unhappy with him.”
“I love Chester,” I said, my hands fluttering helplessly. It was strange to say it out loud, but it was the truth, and I couldn’t keep denying it, now that he had chosen to stay with me despite my failings.
“He’s not strong enough to be your counterpart,” she said calmly, her eyebrow twitching strangely. “I never would have partnered with him if I thought you might fall in love. I thought he was rude enough to keep you at arm’s length.”
“Did you even talk to him before you sent him to be with me? I can’t think of anyone more kind or more gentle than Chester. If you spent more than five minutes with him, you’d know that,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief.
“I guess to you he is,” she replied, looking worried.
Without a word, Fate stood up and crossed the distance between us. She grabbed my wrist and jerked me to my feet, her eyes fixed on mine with a chilling intensity as her vice-like grip nearly crushed my bones. I tried to pull away, but it was like pulling against a mountain. She burrowed into my soul, and suddenly I was falling.
Cursing her power to pull me into her past, I saw Hope and Fate tangled together on a forest floor, the largest tree I’d ever seen looming above them. I’d never had time for romance, but even I could tell what they were doing, and I wanted to look away. I couldn’t, though, because I was in Fate’s mind as the two of them made love. The magic surrounding them was overpowering, and only my shallow gasps kept me connected to myself.
I saw the way the balance shifted between them, surprised I recognized it at all. Hope’s brilliant light warred with Fate’s shadows, a beautiful pattern meeting in hazy lines of gray. The scene rocked suddenly as the magic at work, their love for each other, the force of the balance being reset, abruptly brought me somewhere else.
A man looked over me, his body pressed against me as out lips met again and again. He smelled different, but his eyes were unmistakable. Chester’s face was different, younger, and his long hair fell sweetly around our faces. His body pressed against mine was all fire and need, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down into me.
Fate shoved me away forcefully. I fell backwards over the bench and l
anded in a spiny bush that hurt my back.
“What the hell was that?” I demanded, trying to find my feet.
Her face was slack and drained of color. My mouth went dry as she swallowed, pressing her lips into a hard line.
“I made a mistake,” she whispered, vanishing with a pop.
I shuddered, the feeling of Chester’s naked body still lingering on my skin.
I’m afraid, Joy said, her voice faint in my mind.
“Me too,” I said out loud, my stomach churning. “Why did she show me that?”
I sat on the bench I was thrown over, my body heavy. Joy didn’t try to comfort me, but instead curled up in a tight ball of misery that beat against the edges of my mind. I reached out to the reservoir of magic in my sapphire, trying to comfort myself, but the power only burned.
I stood up, restlessness seizing my body again as I got up to walk where my feet took me. I promised Chester I’d stay within Babylon and get off the streets before dark, but the sky was already turning crimson with the sunset, and the thought of being indoors made my throat want to close.
I loved Chester. It was impossible to deny after admitting it so defiantly to Fate, but I couldn’t be with him. I had to find my soulmate and put the world back together, happiness be damned. A cold wind blew through me at the thought of a future with someone I didn’t love.
I’d made this choice. When I first made the deal with Drekvic, I’d put myself on a path I couldn’t turn away from. Eventually, I found myself in a familiar part of the city, and I crossed the open walkway to a small gate that opened into a garden. Chester had taught me how to dance in the courtyard, and I’d left him to steal a cairn.
The fountain seemed less glamorous than I remembered it, lacking the comforting glow of Chester’s magic to light up the small space. I sat down on the edge of the fountain, curling my knees up to my chest, and let myself cry.
I let myself mourn the passing of what could have been. The vision Fate had shown me kept interrupting my thoughts, and the realization that I’d never be with Chester that way, in any way, made me cry even harder. Accepting myself as a goddess meant letting go of the person I was. I wouldn’t be the Ellie teaching my students and working to beat addiction. I didn’t know what I’d be, or if I’d become as cold and deceptive as Fate. There was still so much I wanted to do, and all of those wants, those hopes, were like butterflies scattered by a heavy wind.
I pulled on Joy’s magic to create illusions in the air of glowing creatures that vanished into the bushes. The work I did to stop someone from living with addiction disappeared in the tailwind of a small bird. A speedy fox skittered away in a brilliant flash of light, my love for Chester twisted in its teeth. Jana, the graceful doe I’d never see again leapt over the bushes and out of my view, nothing I could do to stop it. When the illusions faded and the garden was dark again, I sat on the edge of the fountain, breathing hard.
Slowly, I stood up. The tears were gone, my eyes burning. I pulled my hands into fists. Fate had passed on her mantle, but I had accepted it. I may not have realized that by doing so, my life was no longer my own, and I might never come to accept that, but there were entire realities at stake if I didn’t at least try. If I wanted to stop Lakvas, I had to find my soul mate.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Disaster wasn’t a strong enough word to describe what had become of my house. In all of the confusion I’d forgotten the entire first floor was destroyed. While I got to work to make it presentable again, I turned on the radio, singing along to all of the songs I recognized. It helped me to forget, for a little bit, why I had come home in the first place.
When night turned slowly into morning, I climbed upstairs and stripped out of my clothes, leaving them in an untidy pile on the floor. I climbed into bed, savoring the softness of my sheets, and was immediately asleep.
I woke up some time later to Rakshina softly calling my name from the doorway. I waved a lazy hand at her, and she gave me a dark look. She tripped on my shoes as she walked across the room and her scowl deepened.
“You can’t keep doing this,” she said, her voice sharp. “We couldn’t find you, and now Fate isn’t responding to our summons. I thought the worst.”
“You can come with me today,” I replied, sleepily. My bed was so warm, and I didn’t want to get out of it.
Sighing, Rakshina sat down and propped her legs up on my comforter, her thigh-high black leather boots brushing my clean sheets. She’d be furious if I pushed her to the floor, but it didn’t stop me from thinking about it. As it was, she seemed to relax as she settled in next to me.
“Your bed is so comfortable,” she mumbled, settling in.
I laughed and nodded, rolling over to face her. She smelled faintly of ash, but something else too, like buttery soap. I took a deep breath, sleep claiming me again.
Rakshina was still dozing beside me when I woke up. I’d curled up against her, my head pressed against her side. She had an arm over me, her breath coming slow and even. I smiled, glad that I could still be friends with her.
I did my best to pull my sheet around me as I stood, careful not to disturb Rakshina’s rest. I wondered how much sleep she’d gotten after healing Drekvic. Her magic still looked a little thin, but what I had in mind for us wasn’t dangerous. The clock read two in the afternoon, so I quickly showered and dressed, glad for my benign, non-magical shower and closet. Sometimes, being home was the only real remedy necessary.
Rakshina was still asleep when I emerged from the bathroom, so I shook her gently awake. She blinked lazily at me, her pale blue eyes unfocused for a moment before she was properly awake.
“Do you need to change or anything? I have some things I need to do today,” I told her. She stood up immediately, stretching her long form. I looked away as her white shirt rode sloly up her trim body.
“I didn’t think I’d fall asleep,” she said, adjusting her clothes. “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”
Melo’s shop was in a bad part of town. The streets were always dirty, the buildings were poorly maintained, and sex workers hung out on the corners, even in the early afternoon. I always felt self-conscious when I parked my electric car, but it was nothing compared to walking with Rakshina. Her long legs and slender form drew every eye on the street. Her skin-tight pants and high boots did nothing to downplay her good looks. It was a relief to get through the peeling red door of Melo’s shop, despite the moldy smell of dust and old artifacts that greeted us on the other side.
Melo stood behind the counter, skimming a book while she waited for the only other customer to finish his shopping. I didn’t want to talk if someone was around to eavesdrop and hoped we might make use of the shop’s back room, where Melo had sent me to the spirit world for the first time. Eavesdropping was how Jana had found out about Drekvic, and I tried not to think of how this place was a catalyst for both of us.
Melo’s golden-green eyes focused on Rakshina first, her bland expression turning into a grimace. It took me a moment to remember that Melo was like me, able to see the collectors and siekewa when no one else could. Being both, Rakshina probably seemed like more trouble than she was worth. Rakshina, on the other hand, was fascinated by the goods Melo had for sale.
Then Melo’s gaze fell to me, and her face relaxed. Melo was the only mortal who knew my story. I’d spent many nights in her shop, talking through dinner while Drekvic moped in the car. She had never met Rakshina before, but she knew of her. She also knew that I had the power to stop her if she decided to do something stupid.
Rakshina made a bee-line for the bookshelves, examining Melo’s many spell books. I tried not to pull a face at them—it was the one thing Melo and I completely disagreed on, but selling a Book of Shadows wasn’t illegal, just dangerous. I walked to the counter, greeting Melo with a friendly smile.
“I haven’t seen you in a couple weeks,” she practically purred. Melo was a shape-shifter, and although I’d never seen her other form, I knew it was some sort of large
cat. My guess was a lioness, but it had been hard to tell through the visions of her past. Witches and shifters rarely got along, and I worried it would be rude to ask.
“I’ve been really busy,” I sighed, scratching the back of my neck.
The other customer waved at Melo and left the shop without purchasing anything. The brief silence was punctured by Rakshina’s small noises of approval whenever she saw a spell she liked.
“Does this have anything to do with the tremors out west?” she asked, looking troubled. “I heard they were magical, but no one can quite pinpoint what’s happening. People are getting scared and leaving the coastal cities.”
I remembered hearing something on the radio in the early hours in the morning about the earthquakes, but I shook my head, nervous that Melo thought I had enough power to control the movement of the earth.
“I’ve been dealing with some…other things,” I replied, feeling self-conscious with Rakshina in the room even though she wasn’t paying us any attention. “I know this is going to sound stupid, but it’s actually really important, and I wouldn’t be thinking about it if it wasn’t something I need to do.” I bit the side of my cheek, unable to stop the nerves. I felt like a young girl at a fortune-teller to learn who she was going to marry.
“I know you wouldn’t waste my time,” Melo replied, raising an eyebrow with impatience.
“I need to find my soul mate.” I said, trying to rush through the embarrassment.
Melo frowned and studied my face for a long time. I didn’t say anything as I turned my sapphire ring around my finger, waiting.
“That’s not information someone should have. It can influence your decisions,” Melo replied, crossing her arms and pulling away from me behind the counter. “Just because someone is your soulmate, doesn’t mean they’re the person you’re meant to be with for the rest of your life. Sometimes, soulmates are catalysts that change your outlook on life and make you a better person. Then you can find the love of your life.”
Wayward Hope Page 10
