by Ioana Lee
“Nothing and everything at the same time.”
“Are you thinking of some other man?”
I looked him straight in the eye, thinking of how sad jealousy must feel. In my opinion jealous people torture themselves for no real reason, creating scenarios in which they are always the victims. These people don’t want to get out of their misery even when there is clear proof of innocence from their partner. They seem to like to cause themselves pain and read betrayal in other’s people’s thoughts. Jealous people forget to live their lives and truly enjoy their partner, seeing instead everything through the lens of suspicion. I find this very sad and mediocre. It’s intriguing how genius and mediocrity can co-exist within the same person. That was Ken’s case. Or perhaps these two aspects balanced each other in him. Ken and I started to grow apart. Despite the fact that I was always with him, he still suspected me of doing something bad.
He never dared admit that he was jealous.
“Are you jealous?” I asked him.
“No, of course not…” he answered smiling.
“Ken, do you suspect me of something?”
“No. No way!”
I knew he was lying, as he’d start conversations and arguments for strange reasons.
“Ken, why are you doing this to yourself? I don’t want you to suffer just like I don’t want to suffer. All I want to do is work, talk on the phone with my friends and see them occasionally. Why can’t you let me do this? You are very much aware that I only have a few friends. The most important thing for me right now is to work.”
He insisted that he was OK with me working, yet I couldn’t find a job. He said that I could see my friends whenever I wanted, which was true, yet only after he scanned them prior. He always needed to know where we were going and when we were coming back. Ken always thought that women had a bad influence on me, especially if they were foreigners. He forgot that I was a foreigner too.
We went through a very short period of time when I was allowed to go out more often. That happened only because he wanted to spend extended periods of time out of town to catch and study dragonflies. He brought some dragonflies home so that I could see them. I always got an unsettled stomach.
Once in a while he’d tell me, “Aka-chan, promise me that you’ll never leave me for a foreigner.” Aka-chan meant baby. He thought that I looked and smelled like a baby without makeup on. He rarely called me Ioana and whenever he did, it meant that he was about to say something serious.
“I promise you this if you promise me that you won’t abandon me for a Japanese woman. Ken we can’t go on suspecting each other of infidelity. I want to be honest with you… If we continue with these types of conversations I will leave you, not for another man, but for myself. We both need freedom to be happy. We can’t always be together 24/7. I want to go to the library or go for walks. This makes me happy and I want you to be happy doing whatever you want. You know very well that when you are gone I stay in the house and read a lot. I can’t complain. It is my choice. Reading makes me happy. When I’m out you’re often times at home too. You must understand that we are together even if we aren’t always physically together.”
Slowly but surely he started to change. He even helped me to get my career started, which made me very happy. Hope came rushing into my life again. I only saw my friends once in a while, mostly because they had busy lives, but at least I had Ken’s approval to do so.
James
Life
Is just like morning dew
Yes, but……
Kobayashi Issa
James was one of my good friends. I met him while I was filming a commercial with fifty other foreigners. Now when I look back, I realize that that’s how I met most of my friends—at castings or shootings. James was born in Tokyo yet his parents had emigrated from Western Europe. Living in Japan and having European parents made James a very international young man. He was a good and honest friend. He always made me feel safe. I relied on him and trusted his actions.
James was one of the few people who saw me go through all stages: being happy, desperate, weak, exuberant, scared, snobbish, disoriented, and capricious, determined… Despite all this, he always stayed by my side and gave me advice when I needed it most. We always consulted each other on what other fashion agencies we should contact to get more contracts. He called me Iona, which was funny. He couldn’t say Ioana. He’d often laugh because of this, saying that my parents intentionally named me Ioana, so that he couldn’t say it.
“What do you mean?” I asked him.
“It’s simple. Iona. Ii onna[xxxiii]”
James had a lot of connections in the fashion industry. I asked him to take me with him whenever he went to interesting castings, such as those for movies. He smiled at me and said: “Are you naïve or crazy? I can help you and would be willing to do a lot of things for you, but I can’t have you take the bread out of my mouth. We’re always competing. Remember that! There’s not much room for friendship in this industry. People compete, they don’t make friends.”
I appreciated his honesty. I had yet to learn another powerful lesson about the competition in the fashion world. We stayed friends and kept in touch, yet we didn’t audition together so that there was no competition between us. It didn’t feel right for me as I always thought that competition was more a matter of evolution and becoming better and better at what you do, not keeping the locations and times of castings secret.
James and I went out to lunch often. Whenever we met we brought each other up to speed regarding our latest projects. He had a lot of contracts but none of them looked interesting enough to me, even though the experience could have proved useful years later. I carefully listened to what he had to say. I learned a lot about the business from him. Around that time in my life I finally understood that knowledge is power.
We used to talk a lot about Europe, especially Romania, our lives in Japan and our families. He was younger than I was and unlike me, his whole family was in Tokyo. James was single. He taught me how to find my way around in Tokyo and was continuously astonished that my husband hadn’t explained many simple yet important things to me. I knew why. They would have made me more independent. He was just a few years older than Adrian, my other friend. James said that he enjoyed walking next to me because people turned their heads to scope me out. Most of those glances were very obvious, even though they tried hard to seem discrete. He found that funny!
“Iona, how does it feel to always be looked at?”
“I liked it in the beginning, but over time I’ve gotten bored with it. The Japanese will always be Japanese. They stare at everyone who looks different from them. Now, it feels more like curiosity than a compliment. It started bothering me a while ago. Now I’m at a point where I just ignore them. I’ve even had moments when I was so annoyed that I felt like asking, What in the world are you starring at?”
“What does Ken say about it?”
“He was proud of it in Europe. Here in Japan it’s different. While he enjoyed it in the beginning, it also bothers him tremendously. He says that he can’t imagine how they must be looking at me when I’m alone, since when I’m with him people don’t make the effort to abstain. Young Japanese women turned their heads after him too. I’m proud of it. He’s very handsome and it’s normal for women to be looking at him.”
At one time I would have found this conversation interesting but now I find it ridiculous. No one deserves to be reduced to just their appearance. Here in Japan that’s all that matters. Regardless of what you spend your life on, you have to look younger than 20 and be beautiful. It’s aberrant and incredibly stark. If I gained weight, or my eyelashes fell out, or I cut my hair short like I did in my youth I’d loose all value, at least based on what the Japanese value. I wouldn’t be worth anything in their eyes. Many times I don’t understand; I feel humiliated and reduced to just my appearance. I’m tired of being treated like an accessory. That’s what I feel like I am for Ken, his family and for Japanese so
ciety in general—a fashionable accessory, waiting anxiously for my expiration date. Often times I feel like a robot—tall, pale and thin, bowing continuously. A robot that looks nice on the shelf but never smiles. There’s nothing nice about it. You must be frustrated too, about the fact that you’re not very tall. You’re a bit shorter than I am and I bet that you don’t get certain modeling gigs because of this. That’s actually the reason Ken allows me to hang out with you.
Japanese society is similar to Procust’s bed, except that the bed is bigger and the people are smaller. How stupid everything is!”
“Yes Iona you’re right, but in this stupidity you make money. In this superficiality you have social status. Let’s forget about this and go eat some green tea ice cream.”
Endless
Are the stairs
To my heart.
He stepped on just two or three,
To steal my heart away.”
Yosano Akiko
I remember vividly one specific evening. For some weird reason Ken and I started to arguing again. It depressed me, as we had the same conversation over and over again in the past. It got me tired and upset, not because I was right and he was wrong but because we weren’t the same people anymore. It was visible that we had grown apart.
I locked myself in the bedroom. To scare away my bad mood I started listening to loud music on the radio. Ken was in the living room hitting the piano keys as hard as he could, interpreting something from Bach or Chopin. That’s what he always did when he was upset.
There was an infernal noise in the house. I saw my cell phone screen turning blue. That was the color that I had set for James. I didn’t feel like talking to him or anyone else but I picked up. I answered politely, forcing myself to sound ok:
“Iona, I must talk to you.”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“I have to see you. It’s important!”
“Ok. I’ll see you a little bit later. I don’t think Ken will allow me to go out.
“Iona, I can’t talk about it on the phone…”
“I don’t know what to say. Come to my area and I’ll try to meet you at the subway station.”
“Ok. I should be there within 20 minutes.”
“Hold on. I’ll go talk to Ken first and then I’ll call you back. Ok?”
“Ok.”
I didn’t want to interrupt Ken while he was playing the piano, but I had no choice.
“Ken, I’m sorry for interrupting you. Can you stop for a second?”
“Yes. What’s happening?”
“James called me. He said that he’s really upset and that he really needs to talk to me tonight. We aren’t going out. He’s coming to our area and I was thinking of meeting him at the subway stop and then go to the park nearby. I told him that I have to talk to you first.”
“What does he want to talk about?”
“I don’t know. That’s why he wants to see me. I’m guessing… another failure in his love life or career. Honestly, I have no idea.”
“What are you going to wear?”
“I’ll go just the way I am.”
I was wearing a white, short Byblos jump suit that I liked a lot and was very comfortable. It was something that I wore in the house and neighborhood.
“Alright then. You won’t put any makeup on, will you?”
“No, as I said, we’re not going anywhere. No one will see me.”
After I had said that I remembered that Ken didn’t like it when someone else saw me without makeup. He somehow felt that my innocent, baby-like look should be for his eyes only.
“James, Adrian and Ana-Paula saw me without makeup, so please tell me if I could leave now or you’d rather have me stay. I don’t want to argue anymore.”
“Of course you can leave. Don’t stay too long!”
Oh God, he acted just like my father did when I was 17. How annoying our marriage was.
I called James and told him that I’d be at the subway station shortly and that I wouldn’t be able to stay for too long. He told me to meet him in 20 minutes at the subway exit on the west side. I put my shoes on and left the house, assuring Ken that I shouldn’t be out for more than 30 minutes. I walked towards the station thinking of how my friends needed me in challenging moments just like I needed them in difficult situations. Therefore, I had to forget all of my problems for a short period of time and just focus on James and what was going on in his life. I had to be strong and encourage him to the best of my ability. I felt like I had a moral obligation to do so. I was a bit scared because I didn’t know exactly what to expect.
As soon as we met we went to the park nearby and sat on a bench. James was very sad and agitated. I listened quietly to him. He started telling me about the challenges in his family—how he and his brothers had to work hard to support their parents. He also said that he condemned his father and that he thought his father was a failure. From what he had told me he couldn’t stand his family anymore. He confessed that he didn’t make enough money to move out and live by himself. It hurt me a lot to hear him speak like that. It was sad to hear that he considered his father a failure and even sadder that I couldn’t be empathetic and agree with him on that. I tried to stop him from complaining about his miserable life. I told him that he should give his father a chance and try to understand him. In my opinion James should have made the effort to talk to his father directly and tell him how he felt. He insisted that his father was incompetent…
“A father is a father regardless of his mistakes. Comparing this with the other situations that I’d heard about, you have nothing to hold against your father when it comes to his relationship with you. You think that he’s a failure because he couldn’t develop a strong enough career in a foreign country like Japan. James don’t be absurd. Please! You’ll regret it one day. You were born and raised here. Even though you have European roots, you understand very well how this society operates. You didn’t have to learn anything and get used to new customs. Don’t take anything for granted!”
“It’s true, but after so many years of being in Japan, he couldn’t even learn the language…”
“James, I’m sorry! I’m trying to understand and listen to you but I can’t agree with what you’re saying. Forgive me but I feel exactly the opposite. I have a different perspective on your father’s life and what he could or couldn’t become and achieve. And the fact that you won’t even talk to him… I don’t know… It’s really stupid, especially since you still live in your parents’ house. You’re not financially independent.”
“I could be independent. If I stop supporting them I could get my own place.”
“James I have nothing to say about this. Do what you think it’s best for you but don’t be selfish. God knows better what’s best. I hardly know what’s good for me, let alone what’s best for other people. While you don’t want your parents, I miss mine tremendously. I’m so far away from them, not just geographically but also from a mindset perspective. Everything is so different. It’s hard for me to remember how it was when I grew up there, speaking Romanian, eating traditional food and living life the Romanian way. I no longer know who I am and where I want to be. I have moments when I can’t stand living in this country, yet I don’t feel that Romania is my home either. I feel like my heart belongs to Japan. It hurts to know that I’m just an exclusive accessory for my husband. I can’t find myself anymore. You are telling me things that I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you are suffering when you actually have so much freedom and belong to Japan… as well as to Europe.”
I started crying. A mixture of Japanese and English words came out of my mind. I wanted to free myself.
“Iona, please calm down” said James, in a very understanding yet firm tone.
“Yes, you’re right. You came here because you needed me and look what I’m doing now. Forgive me… it was one of my weakest moments. Other people have serious problems James. You and I have only Champaign problems,” I told him looking down.
“I have to go. I told Ken that I’d be back in half an hour. I apologize for not knowing how to help you.”
He turned towards me brusquely.
“Iona!”
“Yes?”
“You really don’t understand anything, do you?” he asked me.
“No, I don’t understand anything. I must go now.”
“Hold on. Wait a second… Iona… I love you.”
“I know James. I care a lot about you too…”
“I LOVE YOU.”
“What?”
“I’ve loved you like crazy for the past year. I loved you from the moment you showed up on that set. I lied to you then. I saw you right when you came in with your agent. All this time I wanted… tried… to be just a friend. I tried to hide my feelings for a long time…”
