“Hey,” Joel said sharply. “Enough. Calm down. I’ll deal with him. I told you I would and I will do that. Do you trust me?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Brandon said.
“Thanks for that overwhelming vote of confidence, man,” Joel said with a chuckle.
Traffic picked up the closer they got to the city. Brandon didn’t know his way around at all. He’d been there with his father when they’d needed something or when he took him to buy clothes for school, but otherwise his life consisted of his house and the pool and the school. That was it.
The only breaks he got in the monotony were when his swim team had away swim meets, although his dad did his utmost to make even those sacred moments into miserable occasions for him as well. All of the team members rode on the team bus to events—except for Brandon who had to ride with his dad to and from every single out-of-town meet. He wanted to be just one of the guys, but his dad wouldn’t let him.
Brandon argued he needed to spend that time with his teammates so they could become more of a team, see that they were in something together. The coach argued the same thing, but he couldn’t push Brandon’s father very far because Brandon’s dad was the only outside sponsor the team had, and he was quite generous with his financial support for the team.
The first time Brandon and the coach had convinced his dad to let him ride on the bus with everybody else, his father decided to ride on the bus too. And by the time they got to the meet location, just about everybody on the team hated him for one simple reason—his dad had insisted on lecturing and haranguing everybody to go out and put everything they’d learned into action and to win at any cost.
For seventy minutes he had gone on and on and on. Even the coach looked pissed by the time they finally parked outside the host school’s pool. Occasionally at times like that the coach pushed back and tried to rein Brandon’s dad in, but anytime that happened, his dad just threw more money to the swim team to support everything it did. Any other parent would have been kicked out for his behavior.
Rather than build camaraderie, all the trip had done was to make everyone pissed with Brandon. He’d been shoved against lockers, bitched at, snarled at, cursed at, and glared at by a string of pissed-off teammates that day, more than he ever had in his life. The bus ride was their time, but it had been stolen from them that morning.
Most of the guys knew the score and understood how tough this was for Brandon. But not all. When he had a moment while his dad and the coach were out of earshot, Brandon finally snapped, and when someone cursed him, he snapped back, “Welcome to my fucking life!”
On the next out-of-town swim meet trip, his teammates had apparently talked and had worked out something—something for Brandon, something more appreciated by him than he could possibly explain. One of his teammates deliberately sought out Brandon’s dad and sat next to him before he could bound up out of his seat and start lecturing and scolding. His teammate came complete with questions about Brandon’s dad and his business and for advice he had for starting and managing a business now versus when he’d started his own business years earlier. For the entire half hour of the drive to the host school that afternoon, the bus was positively civilized because Brandon’s dad was occupied holding forth on something he actually did know a lot about.
Brandon made a point of finding the guy who’d taken one for the team and gave him a quick guy-hug—strictly one arm—and a big smile. Smiles and one-arm hugs were acceptable without risk of hinting anything gay. Brandon was able to convey the message, and he’d also whispered a heartfelt “Thank you” during their bro-hug. After the meet everyone was tired, and the coach managed to keep Brandon’s dad occupied, so again the ride was civilized.
Now with Joel, Brandon didn’t have a clue where they were going, other than “the city.” But he didn’t need to know because it was Joel’s car, his idea, his trip, and Brandon was just along for the ride. He wasn’t navigator, which was good or they’d be screwed.
Joel started their bit of freedom with a stop at a Burger King. Brandon had only been to fast food places once or twice in his life, so it was basically a brand-new experience for him. When they walked in, he looked to Joel with two concerns. “Um, dude, I don’t have any money.”
“I know. Don’t worry. I got ya covered.”
“How do I know what to get?”
“What do you mean?” Joel asked.
“I’ve never been here before.”
“They all have the same menu, so whatever you usually get at BK,” Joel explained.
“No, you don’t understand,” Brandon whispered, sounding a bit desperate. “I’ve never been….”
“You’ve never been to Burger King? How is that possible? Are you more of a McDonald’s guy?”
Brandon shook his head, feeling suddenly embarrassed and morose. Brandon tried again. “My dad won’t let me eat food like this.”
Joel stared at his friend for a moment. “Not to worry,” Joel said, seeming to understand Brandon’s dilemma now. “You like burgers?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“What do you like on your burger?”
Using what Brandon had told him, Joel ordered for them, paid for them, and gave Brandon his first Burger King experience. When he took the first bite of his burger and tried his french fries, Brandon actually moaned with delight. He was embarrassed all over again and felt his face flushing, but Joel didn’t rib him or give him any grief. Joel just smiled at him and let him eat.
They finished their food quickly, so he was not rushing them when Joel said, “We’ve got to be somewhere nearby at 2:00. It won’t take long, but we can’t be late.”
Chapter 6—A Meet of a Different Sort
“YOU GOT a date to screw someone?” Brandon asked suspiciously.
“No, most definitely not,” Joel answered, wrinkling his nose, not at all the response Brandon would have expected from his friend, the man who was a walking, talking, vagina-sniffing penis according to the stories he told.
It turned out where they needed to be was very close.
“You’re going into the library?” Brandon asked when he saw the building.
“Yep. Come on. Hurry up,” Joel said, walking briskly from the car toward the front door.
“You want me to come with you?” Brandon asked.
“Yes, absolutely. I want you with me. I can’t do this without you. Come on.”
Joel pulled open the front door and walked decisively through the main room and toward a hallway in the back. Joel seemed to know exactly where he was going, so Brandon was surprised when he stopped suddenly and asked a library employee, “Is this the way to—”
But before he could even finish asking his question, the employee nodded and pointed in the direction he was already headed.
“Do you want me to wait out here for you?” Brandon asked.
“Nope. You’re with me. Come on. We’re doing this together.”
“Doing what?” Brandon asked, realizing too late that his voice sounded a bit whiny, a sound he hated to hear in others.
“Come with me and I’ll show you.”
Brandon was so thoroughly confused. Joel led them into a meeting room at the back of the library. Since it was late morning and the room had one entire wall of windows, it was bright and almost cheerful, in contrast to the dirty, cold snow outside. Maybe two-dozen folding chairs were arranged in a big circle, and about half of them were already occupied by other kids, mostly their age. Joel took an open seat and gestured for Brandon to take the seat beside him.
“What is this?” Brandon whispered to Joel.
Joel smiled at him cryptically and then said, “This is for you, big guy. It’s not exactly what you wanted, but it’s as close as I could come up with on short notice.”
“What do you mean?” Brandon asked, his brow knit in consternation.
However, the arrival of several more people, all talking animatedly, distracted him. Someone took the seat on the other side of Brandon. He looked
toward the guy who sat next to him and noticed he was smiling shyly. Not only that, but he was… hot.
“Um, hi,” Brandon said as he quickly tried to be friendly while also checking him out at the same time.
“Hi. I don’t recognize you,” the stranger said.
“I don’t live here,” Brandon said, not sure what else to say right then.
“All right, everyone,” a young man of maybe twenty said, calling for their attention, apparently to start… whatever it was that was about to happen.
“I’m really glad to see you all here today. I’m unbelievably happy to be able to gather together with you this afternoon so you can talk and spend some time getting to know one another, and find ways we can support one another. It’s not easy to be a teen. But being a gay teen or one who is questioning who and what they are is especially tough, and most people outside this room just don’t understand that. But we all do, so this is our time to talk and help one another figure things out.”
Brandon’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. He turned fast to Joel and looked questioningly at him. Sort of a “What the fuck have you done?” kind of look. Joel just kept smiling at him.
“Ground rules. What happens in this room stays in this room. You can say anything to anyone while here, because we all agree that whatever we discuss is our business only. If anyone has any problem with that rule, say so right now and leave.” He actually paused and looked from person to person to give each one a chance to take him up on his offer. Brandon did as everyone else and sat quietly.
“Good. Second rule is that we don’t need to tear one another down or belittle anyone to make a point. The rest of the world does a good job of that already, so in here we support one another, we don’t attack any other group member. We are all here for everyone, so let’s keep it that way.
“Third, everyone’s viewpoint is important. Every question is important. We’re all at different stages on our journeys, so even though we may not be where the others are, does not give us license to be thoughtless to them.
“And just to repeat rule one, what we say in this room stays in this room. Our conversations in here are private and are not repeated or reported to anyone, so we can all feel free to bring up any topic and ask any question.
“So, with that out of the way, I see we’ve got some new folks with us today. I want to know who everyone is and what brings you here today, but it wouldn’t be fair to single out the newcomers right off the bat, so I’ll get us started and ask one of you to share, and then we’ll go to our newcomers after they’ve seen how it works. We give our first names, no last names needed, tell how old we are, what brought you here today, and what the group could maybe help you with.
“I’ll start. My name is Terry. I’m nineteen years old, I am an open, out gay man, and I’m happy with who I am. I didn’t always feel that way, but now I am who I am and I’m freaking proud of it. The world can deal with me or look the other way, but I’m not going to change just because it makes some people uncomfortable. I’m here because this group has been a lifesaver for me and I want to try to give back in any way I can. So that’s me. All right, Lisa, would you like to go next?”
“Sure, Terry. I’m Lisa. I’m sixteen.” Brandon would have guessed older, probably because of the confident way she talked. He envied her that. “I’m a lesbian, and like Terry I don’t give a shit what anybody else thinks. They can decide about their lives, and I’ll take care of mine. I’m who I was born to be. If someone can’t handle it, fuck ’em. I’m here because I like spending time with my people.”
Next up was a young man who looked…. Brandon wasn’t sure. His body was small, and he had the features of someone who was young, but at the same time his eyes looked like an old person. Brandon couldn’t put his finger on what exactly made him react that way, but it was profoundly strong. When the old-young man didn’t say anything, in fact didn’t even look up, Terry moved on, putting no pressure on the guy who clearly had already had enough.
Terry looked to Joel and Brandon. Brandon was sweating bullets, but he needn’t have worried since Joel took the lead.
“Hey, everybody. I’m Joel. This is Brandon, my best bud. He didn’t know where we were going until a minute ago when Terry mentioned the G-word—‘gay.’ You see, my buddy is… working on some big issues. I’ll let him tell you what if he wants to and when he’s ready to. I’m straight but not narrow. Gay doesn’t scare me. I wanted to get Brandon into a group like this so he could see what I’ve always known. I’m proud of him,” Joel said, pausing for a moment.
“The other day in the car, when Brandon said that he really wished most of all that he had someone he could talk to about what’s going on inside his head, that he wished he had someone who could help him sort things out, it hit me that I knew there had to be such a place. So I went online and started searching, and I found it—it’s you guys. I brought him here hoping you guys can help me out and give my buddy what he really needs. The last thing I’ll say is his dad is a real dick, and he’s gonna give Brandon all kinds of crap for being anywhere but under his thumb, but I’ve got your back, bro.” Joel gave Brandon’s arm a squeeze.
Terry added a quick comment. “Welcome, Joel. Welcome, Brandon. I’m really happy that you guys are here with us today. When Joel called me yesterday to find out if he could bring Brandon to our meeting, I told him absolutely. Brandon, we’re here for you, dude. You can talk if you want, or not. You can say anything now or later or not at all. It’s up to you. No pressure whatsoever.”
Brandon looked quickly around at all the faces. He was struck by the simple fact that there was not a scowl among them. Everyone was looking at him expectantly, smiling, leaning forward to hear what he had to say, which gave him the courage he needed to open his mouth and speak aloud the words that had never been spoken aloud before.
“Hi, I’m Brandon. Like Joel said, I didn’t know where we were going today. I kind of thought it was the mall, but this is way better than that. I… I…. Okay, I can do this.” He closed his eyes for a second, took a deep breath, let it out, opened his eyes, and in a bold, clear voice said, “I’m Brandon, I’m seventeen, and I’m gay. And I am so glad I’m here with you guys.”
Everyone around the circle cheered. And he couldn’t help it, he smiled until it hurt his face, and he actually shed a few tears. He didn’t want to lose it in public, and especially not in front of a bunch of strangers, but they were tears of happiness.
“I didn’t know. My dad… he kind of keeps me… shut off from the world.”
“He’s a total dick,” Joel repeated his earlier assessment with great conviction that others could not possibly miss.
Brandon snickered. “Yeah, he is. He wants me to be an Olympic swimmer so he keeps me practicing seven days a week practically nonstop. I don’t live like most other people. He’s always with me wherever I go 99 percent of the time.”
“This is the 1 percent time,” Joel explained. “He’s in Florida playing golf.”
“I can’t believe…. I knew there were others like me out there somewhere, but I had no idea how to find you. I’m not alone. Wow. You can’t imagine what this means to me. There really are other people like me. I can’t tell you how… how happy this makes me. Thank you.” Brandon was barely able to hold himself together as he said his final words.
“You’re very welcome, Brandon,” Terry said, echoed by several others around the circle. “You are most definitely not alone. We are an army of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer folks. We are everywhere. We always have been everywhere, and its time the world pulled its head out of its ass and faced facts. We’re here, we’re queer, and they need to deal with it and stop hating us.”
“Hey,” Joel said, “don’t forget the straight but not narrow friends, like the magnificent man that is me,” he said with a mock bow.
Everyone laughed and assured him that he could be part of the army as well, which satisfied Joel. Brandon was so wowed that he would have gone to
bat for Joel for anything he wanted.
For two hours Brandon sat in the group, Joel right beside him, listening intently to every word that was said. Sometimes what the group talked about was completely foreign to Brandon. He’d heard the terms “safe sex” before, but the people around him seemed to talk from experiences that Brandon didn’t have. Other times the discussions were about things that any teenager would be likely to recognize, like dealing with telling people you’re gay. Brandon spoke several times when he had something to contribute, or had questions to ask.
By the end of the two hours, he’d tried to commit everyone’s face to memory. This was a day he wouldn’t soon forget.
After the official end of the group meeting, most people stayed and chatted informally in smaller groups. Joel talked with a lot of people. Brandon had always envied Joel’s natural ease in every situation. Joel was just confident no matter what setting he was dropped into. Brandon wanted to attach himself to Joel like Velcro, but he fought down the overwhelming urge to do that. If Joel could act so comfortable in a room where he was the only person like himself, then Brandon should be able to handle talking to some people with no problem.
He tried engaging a couple of people in conversation and got lots of hugs and words of welcome. Everyone asked him to come back to the next meeting and gave him words of encouragement.
He had a slightly odd conversation with a guy, maybe a year younger than he was, who seemed very taken with Brandon’s arms. He asked Brandon all sorts of questions about what he did to develop such incredible muscles.
When Brandon explained about his swimming regimen, the guy wanted to know if it was true that swimmers had strong thighs, and if their abs were as developed as their arms. Brandon was pleasant and polite and tried very hard to answer all of the guy’s questions. He almost lifted his shirt to show the guy his abs when he spoke about that muscle group for a second time, but he didn’t think it would be an appropriate move to make in a public meeting.
Swimming to Freedom Page 5
