by Unknown
“So where are you taking me that’s such a surprise?” I ask after I kiss his cheek hello. He smirks as he cuts his eyes sideways at me.
“You’ll see.” We drive to the next town south of us, Avon, and he takes me to a chain restaurant. When we arrive he looks around before he approaches the hostess.
“We have call-ahead seating for Gonzales.” He winks at me, and she looks at her map of the table floor plan.
“Yes, right this way. Your party is waiting for you,” the college-age girl says. Her curly hair bounces as she walks, and we follow her.
“Party?” I ask under my breath, but he just squeezes my hand. We follow her to a back room, and when she opens the door, I see my friends, Britt, Macy, and Danni. But I see three other faces that aren’t as welcoming. Darma Jenkins, Deena Simms and Trina Shank sit beside each other. As I pause, panic fills my lungs. Tomas pulls me along, and I take the seat between Britt and him.
“Hi,” I say. They all just kind of stare at me; Tomas clears his throat and takes a piece of bread from the basket and butters it on his plate. He takes a bite and swallows before he speaks.
“I asked the girls to come to dinner with us since your mom and you are leaving tomorrow, I guess as a farewell-make-amends-good-karma-beginnings for us all.” I nod at him, still searching for the right words.
“We couldn’t let you leave without saying a proper goodbye,” Danni leans in smiling as she speaks.
“I came for the free food,” Trina says dryly. Her jet black hair is cut in all different lengths, and her eyes are circled darkly in eyeliner. I realize the only way to make this experience pleasant for all of them is to come clean.
“I get that. I did some really awful things to some of you in the past. I’m not really sure why. I think I wanted to stand out as a strong person who wouldn’t be challenged. I thought embarrassing others was fun, and I thought it made me happy, but it really didn’t. I was constantly scheming the next move, my next display of tyranny. I’m sure you guys were happy when I got what I deserved.” Darma, Deena, and Trina all smirk, pleased with my assessment. “But I didn’t deserve that, just like you didn’t deserve the horrible things I did. I’m sorry, Darma, for spreading vicious lies about you. Deena, words can’t really express my embarrassment and disgrace when I think about the humiliation I caused you. And Trina, if I could take back the things I’ve said to you over the years, I would. I can’t go back to the past, but I’d like you to know, I said those things to hurt you, not because they were true. None of it was true, and everyone should know that they are perfect just the way they are.” I look down at my hands and swallow hard. “I’m asking for your forgiveness, but I understand if you choose not to. This isn’t a trick. I hope that during this past year everyone has realized I’m not that wretched person anymore. And I don’t expect for us to all be best friends, but I do wish you the best in the future because I don’t know if I’m going to live here ever again.” I look at Tomas and can’t hide the tears brimming in my eyes. “Thank you,” I mouth to him, and he touches my cheek gently. I lean into his hand and let the tear fall to his palm. His thumb traces my cheek as he nods at me. The waitress approaches the table and asks if we’re ready to order. I look at the other girls, but they are just staring at me.
“Believe it or not, I forgave you a long time ago,” Deena says, ignoring the waitress with her pale blue eyes locked on mine. Tomas tells the waitress that we may need a few more minutes.
“I didn’t, but I do now,” Darma offers gruffly as she looks back down at her menu.
“I never wanted you to kill yourself. I hated you; that’s for sure, but when I came to school and heard you were in the hospital, I wished none of it had ever happened to you. I guess we all live with regret,” Trina finally says. Britt squeezes my hand under the table. I hadn’t even realized I’d reached for it and was holding it. “How’s the steak here?” Trina asks as she looks at her menu. We all kind of look at her, confused by her sudden nonchalance; she looks up and smiles at me. And we all burst into laughter.
I wake up at 6:48 in the morning to shifting and weight on the corner of my bed. I jolt up to find Lacey sitting on my bed in her sweatpants and a zip-up hoodie, her hair piled on top of her head. “Come on,” she whispers as she grabs my hand. I get up and follow her. As we descend the stairs, she hands me one of her hoodies. Mine are all packed and loaded in the tiny, rented trailer attached to Mom’s SUV. We go to the kitchen, and she hands me a coffee mug. It smells rich with chocolate and has marshmallows melted on the top of it. She leads me out through the sliding glass door onto the patio. The sky is still a dark navy blue color, and I’m tired and confused.
“Sit,” she orders, as she points to one of the lawn chairs. I obey and just watch her, wondering why we are out here at this hour. She sits across from me and crosses her legs.
“What are we doing?” I finally ask, rubbing sleep from my eyes. She takes a deep breath and looks up at the last few morning stars.
“I want our last morning together to really . . . mean something. So I thought we could just watch the sun rise. Our lives are changing, and we can’t control it, but we can control this. This is what I’ll remember when I’m sad, and I miss you. And I want you to do the same.” She wipes her eyes under her glasses and shrugs. “While we’re apart, no matter how far away we are, if you miss me, just think about this sunrise because our bond, our love is as constant as the sun rising in the east.” I look at her, lost for words. She sounds so wise, so old. Maybe she is, and I just missed when it happened. Now I find myself wiping at my own eyes. I look up too, as the sky becomes purple, then burgundy; reds, oranges and yellows of all hues slowly streak across the sky. We don’t say anything else as the sun rises around us, illuminating the only world we’ve either one ever known. But the world looks different today. Today everything changes.
After we say our final goodbyes with hugs, tears, and laughter, Mom and I are finally on the road. It’s only two hours away, but to me it might as well be days of travels away. We drive silently until we are out of the city limits.
“Are you excited?” Mom bubbles, a relieved smile rising on her cheeks as she suddenly feels free. I don’t feel free, and I begin digging through my bag for my iPod and earphones. I don’t share in her excitement of ripping me from everyone that I love. “This is a new beginning for us; you watch, a new chapter, and we can write whatever we want.”
Lacey
I can’t help the void I feel after Lana and my mom leave. I feel like I’m suffocating and quickly go upstairs to get cleaned up to go to the hospital. The house is quiet since Dad left a few minutes after they pulled out of the driveway. He made Mom promise to call him when they arrived. Their civility toward each other is unnerving. I guess once they resigned themselves to the fact that they were done, peace came over them. As I’m leaving, Henry is walking across my lawn toward my porch.
“Hey,” he says a little awkwardly, shoving his hands into his board short’s pockets.
“Hi,” I say, dropping my keys into my big bag purse. I carry it so that I can keep everything with me, all my purse essentials including my iPad, but also a hoodie and snacks for while I’m at the hospital. Not working and having to pay for every meal is really eating into my wallet.
“How’s he doing?” Henry asks, shuffling his feet.
“Same I guess, I haven’t heard today. What are you getting into?” I don’t care what he’s doing today; I’m just being polite. I just want to get to the hospital. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe until I can see Chase.
“Skating, I just wanted to check in. I haven’t really seen you since school let out.”
“I know, but I really need to go now,” I say, pointing with my thumb toward my car.
“Oh yeah, of course.” He begins to back away from me as I advance toward my car. “If you ever need to talk or anything . . . I’m around,” he says.
“Thanks,” I say distractedly as I get into my car, not giving him
a second look.
When I get to the hospital, I give a small smile to the now-familiar faces behind the welcome center. I take the elevator up to the fifth floor where I follow the maze of halls that finally end at a set of double doors. I buzz for entry, and the nurse recognizes me and allows me to enter. Chase is still hooked up to monitors, but only an IV is stuck in his arm. They took him off all the coma-inducing drugs and said when he’s ready to wake up, he will, as easy as that. I lean into the doorway of his room as Grandma Birdy reads to him from The Importance of Being Earnest. She and Grandpa Joe manage to drive down for a few days every week. The guys in the band are here every chance they get, but it’s getting harder since they have jobs and summer school and other commitments. Still, they manage to come a few times a week. His mom is staying with Mike in Brownsburg since it’s closer to the hospital than Columbus. I think she’s slowly driving him insane though, or maybe quickly.
“Hi, honey,” Grandma Birdy greets me warmly when she finishes the chapter. I go to her and give her a hug. “Do you have any summer plans yet?” That’s an odd question.
“I’m spending it with Chase and work,” I say, as I sit facing him on his bed. I take his hand in mine. His warm callouses are my security, my strength. His grandma smiles at me.
“Grandpa Joe went to get the car. We have to go back today, but we’ll be back down next Monday.” I nod. “I’m not sure when Mike or Melissa are coming up. Mike is working till at least five, and Melissa was having issues with her hair this morning.” That’s the code for Melissa fell apart again today and may not make it up. Unlike me, she’s hasn’t figured out how to have silent breakdowns yet. Grandma Birdy doesn’t want to say anything that might upset Chase either. Her phone buzzes in her purse, and she rises slowly. “We’ll see you next week darling. She kisses my cheek and leans over to Chase, patting his shoulder before she kisses his forehead. “Did you hear that, Chase? Grandpa Joe and I have to leave now, but we’ll be back next week, OK?” We both watch him for a long moment. Nothing happens, and she pats him on the shoulder again. I walk with her to the elevators, and we hug again. As the doors open, Byron leans against the back wall. He gets off, and Grandma Birdy gets on. I give her a wave, and Byron walks silently beside me back to the unit. Once we’re back in his room, I take my spot on his bed, and Byron takes the seat Grandma Birdy was occupying.
“No change?” he asks sadly. I shake my head.
“I should have called 911 and made him go.” Byron still beats himself up over that fight. I look at him sternly. We don’t talk about this stuff when we’re around Chase. I don’t know how it will affect him. “Oh shit, today’s the day Lana is leaving. Why are you here?” He covers his mouth and looks at me with wide eyes.
“Yeah, she left this morning.”
“How are you doing with all that?” I take a deep breath.
“I’m still breathing,” I finally offer. He leans forward and focuses on Chase for a while, maybe trying to mentally will him awake.
“By the way,” he narrows his eyes at me. “I got in trouble again for that party when the housekeeper found a condom wrapper in the back of my parent’s closet.” My eyes widen, and my face instantly reddens. “You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?” I roll my lips and look at him as innocently as I can.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I say, looking him right in the eye. He holds eye contact for a long moment before he leans back in the chair.
“Yeah right.” He rolls his eyes. “You’re an awful liar.” We laugh at the irony of it all, our friendship, our beginnings, and my lying skills.
More days pass. I am on an assembly line, going from one point to another. Some days it’s home, hospital, home; others it’s home, work, hospital, home. The only time I sleep deeply is when I nap in Chase’s bed. But home is empty. Dad either works late or crashes early. I rarely see him. I don’t really care either, except the cabinets in the kitchen are becoming bare. I am going to have to have a conversation with him about that.
I’m sleeping deeply when I’m shaken awake. I turn suddenly, not knowing where I am. I gain my bearings, only to find the sun has set, and I’m in Chase’s bed.
“Lacey, honey, you should go home.” I kiss Chase’s hand that I was cuddling and sit up as I stretch.
“I’m OK, Mike,” I say, rubbing my eyes before I reach for my glasses sitting on his rolling tray.
“We need to talk; I’m worried about you.”
“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m here for him; that’s what’s important,” I say, trying to blow off this conversation. Mike has been trying to have it with me for days.
“It’s summertime, and you should be going out and having fun with your friends.” He takes a deep breath. “I just don’t want you putting your life on hold for him.”
“Mike, all due respect, I’m not putting my life on hold. I’m supporting him. He would do this for me if it were me. Besides, he’s all I have. It’s my fault he’s here. If I had just told him about Byron, they wouldn’t have been in that awful fight. He wouldn’t have hit his head the first time or the second time in the bathroom. I’m not going to stop coming here. One of the nurses told me he can hear us, everything; we shouldn’t even be talking about this in here,” I pause, taking a deep breath as I look at the ceiling. “I need to be here as much for me as for him. I feel safe with him, even in this state.” I can’t hide the shaking in my voice or the tears that slide down my cheeks.
“Chase wouldn’t want you spending all of your time here like this. He’d want you to focus on yourself and work. The doctors don’t even know how long this will last.” He rises and embraces me. I know all of this, but making me leave would be like ship wrecking me on an island. He is my life jacket.
More days pass. I Skype with Lana, and she shows me the new condo. It’s hard to be excited for her when she seems miserable there. We talk about Chase and Mike. I get her up to speed on his condition. Then there’s nothing to talk about. When I go to bed that night, I toss and turn. I can’t wait until the sun rises. I go down to the pool and swim laps across it. Granted our pool isn’t large, but the first time I decide to swim them I hit only seventy five. It’s my new stress reliever, especially since there’s no one really to talk to these days. Sure I could reach out to Tasha or Jade, but I can’t stand their pity. Bea and Stacey, no way I can’t even think about that. Henry, no. That leaves Byron, and it’s strange how we have more in common than we ever knew. After an hour in the pool, I get ready for the hospital. I put on the usual, jean shorts, a T-shirt. Today I choose a concert T and a hoodie because the hospital is freezing, and I slip my feet into my cons. My wet hair goes up into a messy bun, and I put my contacts in. I don’t bother with make-up anymore. At first, I always dressed cute and tried to look my best because I wanted him to wake up to see me at my best, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized he’s seen me at my worst, so as long as I don’t smell, I think I’m OK. There’s no one in his room when I arrive. So I climb up into the bed and snuggle in beside him. It’s a tight fit because he’s lying on his back.
“Lana’s settling into their condo. Mom’s being a little spastic, but overall I think they’re doing OK. I swam a 150 laps this morning. That’s ten more than yesterday. Are you proud of me?” I ask, waiting for his response. “I can’t wait for the SafetySuit concert this summer. We’re going to have so much fun.” I twine my fingers between his and turn a little so that I can look up at the ceiling. “If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine we’re at our spot in the woods. Can you see it? A dark sky above us, leafy trees around us? I haven’t been there since you fell. Chase, that was the worse day of my life. I lost my parents, and I lost you. I’m just hoping to find you again soon. We all miss you. We’re ready for you to come back to us. Find me again.” I turn and look at him. His eyes are still closed. I touch his temple gently and trace the lines of his face, his cheek bones, his nose, his forehead down to his chin, and around his short
hairline. “Please wake up,” I whisper, as I gently brush my lips against his warm ones. I settle in close to his face and just watch him breathe. “I love you.” I slide my hand across his chest. “I miss you, come back.” I fall asleep repeating those words over and over. In fact in my dream, I whisper those words as counts to the waltz we do in front the Thunderbird headlights to the song “Shelter.” We are in our homecoming outfits, and this time when he kisses me, I don’t fight him; I confess my love and we are happy. In my dream we get our “happily ever after” with years passing, growing old, having children, having grandchildren, and then looking back on our lives together contently. I feel a stirring, as the bed creaks around me. I open my eyes wondering if I’m in the nurse’s way. My eyes widen as I see Chase with his head raised, and he’s looking down at the IV in his left arm in confusion. He looks at me, into my eyes, still confused. I’m so happy I can’t stop the tear that slides from my eye and falls on the pillow. I don’t know what to say so I just lean up and kiss him. He’s surprised as my hands delicately touch his face, and I feel relief as my desperation for him is met with his own intensity. When we pull away, he looks at me with that sideways smirk on his lips. He opens his mouth to speak, but frowns a little as his voice comes out scruffy. Then he says his first words to me in more than two months.
