Hoping to make the lying stop.
Lies
· 5:00 a.m. When we woke up in each other’s arms, neither of us brought up our conversation from last night. Both of us kept holding back information. Kept lying.
· 5:03 a.m. When we quickly talked it over, we decided that it would be best for him to head back to his own hotel room so Mandy and Melanie wouldn’t find out that he had spent the night. We decided to lie…again.
· Around 7:40 a.m. When Melanie came over, she asked how my night was. I said, “It was okay.” Another lie. It was better than okay. Well, the first part anyway. That was much better than okay. Then later…during the silence…the minutes and hours of deceitful silence…well, that was worse than okay.
· Around 7:50 a.m. When he came over and walked with Melanie and me down to the first floor, we continued to pretend that nothing was going on with us. We continued to lie.
· After my first session. Around 10:00 a.m. When Dr. Gabriel came over to tell me that I looked upset, when he asked me what was wrong, I said two things: “Nothing” and “I’m fine.” Lies. Lies. Lies. No mention of the fact that I was upset about, well, other lying…and worried about my upcoming plane ride…and nervous about my sisters’ earlier scheduled flight…and irritated that he was standing so near to me…
· After my last conference session. Around 12:15 p.m. When Dr. Gabriel and Kate walked over to talk to me about the upcoming closing conference luncheon, I got ready to lie…ready to tell them that I was looking forward to it. My lie was interrupted by my phone ringing. Still, I had the intention to lie.
· Around 12:16 p.m. When Melanie called, she asked me to tell another lie. She asked me to tell Dr. Gabriel that I had a family emergency…that I had to get home early. Then she told me that she had changed my flight…that I would be flying home with Mandy and her…and with Dr. Blake. And…I did it. I lied to Dr. Gabriel and Kate.
· Around 3:00 p.m. When we were on the plane going home, he lied as he sat beside me. He kept telling me that everything would be okay. He also told me that the plane wouldn’t crash. How could he have known that for sure?
· Around 6:00 p.m. When we parted at the airport…when he went to his car and I went with my sisters, he lied again. He said it again—that everything would be okay. Even though we just kept lying.
I read my lies, our lies, over and over and over again.
Eventually, I unpack my travel bag. Then I read my story of lies again. I write my last article and send it to Dr. Hause. Then I read the lies again.
Then…then, it’s time for my night routine. I check the thermostat. Then I read the lies. Next up, I check the stove. Then I read the lies.
Door lock checking. Lie reading. Blind closing. Lie reading. Alarm setting. Lie reading. And so on.
My routine takes much longer than normal. But I eventually finish it. I turn on the television and crawl into bed, wearing last night’s pajamas and gripping my list in my hand.
I read my lies three more times.
I still don’t feel better. I feel guilty. And nervous. And shaky. I don’t feel forgiven.
And I won’t be forgiven—even if I confess all of this to a priest—because the lies haven’t stopped.
They aren’t going to stop.
Because I can’t tell him. I just can’t.
He’ll be beyond miserable. And he’ll morph me into the same person as his mother again. And then he’ll leave again.
And then…after he’s gone…I’ll just end up lying again. People will ask me how I am, how I’m handling things, and I won’t want to talk about it. About him.
I’ll lie. I’ll say that I’m fine.
So the lying is going to continue either way. And my soul is going to continue to be in jeopardy. And I’m probably—
WAIT.
Wait. Wait.
Unless…
Unless the reason for my lying goes away…
I jump out of bed, toss my list on my dresser, and turn off my television.
Then I sit back on my bed. And think.
Unless the reason for my lying goes away.
It can go away. I can make it go away. I can do this.
I will do this.
Now. Right now.
The music has to go. {Don McLean begins “American P—”}
Callie!
Okay. I sit and concentrate…concentrate on putting silence in my head.
An infusion of quiet.
Infusion. Infusion. Infusion.
I settle back against my pillow and close my eyes.
Concentrate, Callie. Concentrate.
No music. No music. No music.
{Michael Crawford, dressed in a mask and cape, paddles in on a boat, singing “The Music of the Night” to a woman in a white—}
NO!
My eyes jolt back open.
I stare at the black, blank television screen in front of me. Stare. Stare. Stare.
One. Two. Three. Stare. One. Two. Three. Stare. One. Two. Three. Stare.
My eyes lose their focus, but I keep staring.
{Puddle of Mudd comes in with “Blurry.” They sing the refrain over and over again a—}
WAIT! Ugh.
I rip myself out of bed and begin pacing the room, knowing that this behavior, this decision to leave my bed, will probably result in my having to redo my night routine.
And that freaking blows. But I can’t worry about that just yet. I still have work to do.
I pace back and forth, back and forth. Back and forth. Back. And forth. Back. And forth.
{Puddle of Mudd continues to sing the entire time I pace.}
This isn’t working.
I continue to pace, but I start to coach myself out loud as I move…trying to drown out any sounds from my head.
“No songs, Callie. No songs. No songs. No—”
{Andrea Bocelli fills my head with the refrain of “Sogno.” I don’t notice at first…not until I realize that I’m saying “No songs” to the beat of his music.}
DAMN IT, CALLIE.
DAMN IT. DAMN IT.
Time for a new technique.
I throw myself back on my bed. Face down. I smash my head into my pillow. I use my fingers to plug my ears.
Okay. If I can just stay like this and not hear. Not hear. Not hear.
Think silence. Think silence.
{Cake starts singing “Never There” and—}
CALLIE!
I pound my head into the pillow, press my fingers even deeper into my ears…probably causing some sort of brain damage or something—
Stop it!
Think silence. Think silence. Silence.
{Björk sweetly, softly, begins “It’s Oh So Quiet.”}
AHHH.
I roll over on my bed, unlodge my fingers from my ears, and grab the remote control. I turn on the television, listen longingly for a second to the familiar food channel voices, and then quickly change the station.
I push the channel up button until I reach the first music station.
And it’s a country station. Not my favorite.
Doesn’t matter.
I turn the volume up. Up. Up. Up.
Big & Rich. Blaring. “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).”
Hmm…I actually like this song.
Quick decision. Different technique. I get off the bed and start to dance.
Focus on this song. Dance. Hear this beat. Dance. These words. Dance.
I keep moving around, dancing around, for a few minutes, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not working. {Now Big & Rich and Björk are singing at the same time. Björk is dancing around to the fast refrain of her song and horses are galloping around her.}
This is freaking ridiculous.
I stop dancing.
Without bothering to turn off the television, I try another technique.
I walk around the room again, but this time I count out loud as I walk.
“One.” Step. “Two.” Step. “Three.” Step.
{
Big & Rich and Björk keep singing. The horses keep galloping.}
Louder, Callie.
“ONE.” Step. “TWO.” Step. “THREE.” Step.
{Still singing. Still galloping.}
LOUDER.
I yell now. “ONE.” Stomp foot. “TWO.” Stomp other foot. “THR—”
“What the hell, Callie?”
I put my left foot back down on the floor and turn slowly toward the doorway to face Mandy. She is staring at me as she holds her cell phone up to her ear. Must be talking to Josh.
Mandy looks amused. Confused. A little worried.
I just bite my lip and then mouth the word “sorry” before forcing a smile on my face…a smile to let her know that she shouldn’t worry.
Fortunately, it works. She walks away, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.
{The All-American Rejects blast in with “Gives You Hell.”}
I fall back onto my bed.
Finished.
Done.
{Dido makes an appearance, singing “White Flag.”}
Chapter 21
the day before
SUNDAY MORNING. I WAKE UP to a buzzing noise.
I reach over to my dresser to grab my phone.
I have one text message. From him.
One. Two. Three. Open.
Day One starts tomorrow.
I need you to make me three promises before we start.
1.) Promise to stop calling me “Dr. Blake.”
2.) Promise not to go on any medication without talking to me first.
3.) Promise to tell me right away if you ever get the sensation that music is somehow trapped in your mind.
Shit.
{Oh, Damien.}
Snippets of Callie’s Head Radio
(only the songs mentioned by Callie)
1.)“Rainbow in the Dark” by Dio (Dio, Appice, Bain, Campbell/1983)
2.)“Bring Me to Life” by Evanescence (Lee, Moody, and Hodges/2003)
3.)“Rebel Rebel” by David Bowie (Bowie/1974)
4.)“Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)” by Cinderella (Keifer/1988)
5.)“Heal the World” by Michael Jackson (Jackson/1992)
6.)“Bein’ Green” by Kermit the Frog (Raposo/1970)
7.)“I’m So Tired” by The Beatles (Lennon-McCartney/1968)
8.)“Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves (Rew/1985)
9.)“The Blower’s Daughter” by Damien Rice (Rice/2001)
10.)“SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake (Timberlake, Mosley, and Hills/2006)
11.)“Little Lies” by Fleetwood Mac (McVie and Quintela/1987)
12.)“It Ends Tonight” by The All-American Rejects (Wheeler and Ritter/2006)
13.)“My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit (Popoff and Popoff/1999)
14.)“The Sound of Music” by Julie Andrews (Rodgers and Hammerstein II/1965)
15.)“I’m So Excited” by The Pointer Sisters (Lawrence, Pointer, Pointer, and Pointer/1982)
16.)“Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie (Queen and Bowie/1981)
17.)“Every Breath You Take” by The Police (Sting/1983)
18.)“Heart Attack” by Demi Lovato (Allan, Evigan, Douglas, Williams, Phillips, and Lovato/2013)
19.)“No Air” by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown (Fauntleroy II, Griggs, Scala, Mason, Jr., Thomas, and Russell/2008)
20.)“The Prayer” by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli (Foster, Sager, Testa, and Renis/1999)
21.)“Uninvited” by Alanis Morissette (Morissette/1998)
22.)“I Made It Through the Rain” by Barry Manilow (Feldman, Kenny, Manilow, Shepperd, and Sussman/1980)
23.)“One Way or Another” by Blondie. (Harry and Harrison/1979)
24.)“Angel of the Morning” by the Pretenders (Taylor/1995)
25.)“Angel” by Shaggy featuring Rayvon (Ertegün, Curtis, Taylor, and Miller/2001)
26.)“There Goes My Everything” by Engelbert Humperdink (Frazier/1967)
27.)“Asshole” by Denis Leary (Leary/1993)
28.)“Daylight” by Maroon 5 (Levine, Martin, Martin, and Levy/2012)
29.)“Jesus, Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood (Lindsey, Sampson, and James/2005)
30.)“How Great Thou Art” (Boberg/1885 and Hine)
31.)“Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles (Harrison/1969)
32.) “Here Comes the Sun” by Linda Eder (Harrison/2002)
33.)“Jump Around” by House of Pain (Everlast/1992)
34.)“Girls Just Want to Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper (Hazard/1983)
35.)“Roar” by Katy Perry (Perry, Gottwald, Martin, McKee, and Walter/2013)
36.) “Toxic” by Britney Spears (Dennis, Karlsson, Winnberg, and Jonback/2004)
37.)“(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” by Otis Redding (Cropper and Redding/1968)
38.)“Insensitive” by Jann Arden (Loree/1994)
39.)“Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke (Thicke, Williams, Harris, Jr., and O’Shea/2013)
40.)“Say Something” by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera (Axel, Vaccarino, and Campbell/2013)
41.)“Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys (Keys, Remi, Bhasker, and Squier/2012)
42.)“I Never Told You” by Colbie Caillat (Caillat, DioGuardi, and Reeves/2010)
43.)“I Don’t Care” by Apocalyptica featuring Adam Gontier (Toppinen, Gontier, and Martin/2008)
44.)“Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe” by Kendrick Lamar (Duckworth, Spears, Braun, Friis, and Schmidt/2013)
45.)“I’ve Got the Music in Me” by The Kiki Dee Band (Boshell/1974)
46.)“Leaving on a Jet Plane” by Peter, Paul & Mary (Denver/1969)
47.)“3 A.M.” by Matchbox Twenty (Thomas, Yale, Goff, and Stanley/1997)
48.)“My Life Would Suck Without You” by Kelly Clarkson (Martin, Gottwald, and Kelly/2009)
49.)“Demons” by Imagine Dragons (Imagine Dragons and da Kid/2013)
50.)“Who Will Save Your Soul” by Jewel (Kilcher/1996)
51.)“Ridin’” by Chamillionaire and featuring Krayzie Bone (Seriki, Salinas, Salinas, and Henderson/2006)
52.)“So Close” by Jon McLaughlin (Menken and Schwartz/2007)
53.)“Secret Garden (Jerry Maguire Version)” by Bruce Springsteen (Springsteen/1995)
54.)“At Last” by Etta James (Gordon and Warren/1960)
55.)“Low” by Flo Rida featuring T-Pain (Dillard and Najm/2007)
56.)“(I Need You Now) More Than Words Can Say” by Alias (Curci/DeMarchi/1990)
57.)“My Way” by Frank Sinatra (Anka/1969)
58.)“Here, There and Everywhere” by The Beatles (Lennon-McCartney/1966)
59.)“Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls featuring Busta Rhymes (Ray, Callaway, and Smith/2005)
60.)“Keep Holding On” by Avril Lavigne (Lavigne and Luke/2006)
61.)“Via Dolorosa” by Sandi Patty (Sprague and Borop/1984)
62.)“Royals” by Lorde (O’Connor and Little/2013)
63.)“Crash into Me” by Dave Matthews Band (Matthews/1996)
64.)“Super Mario Bros. Theme” (Kondo/1985)
65.)“Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band (Danoff/1976)
66.)“All of Me” by John Legend (Gad and Stephens/2013)
67.)“American Pie” by Don McLean (McLean/1971)
68.)“The Music of the Night” by Michael Crawford (Webber and Hart/1987)
69.)“Blurry” by Puddle of Mudd (Scantlin, Ardito, and Allen/2001)
70.)“Sogno” by Andrea Bocelli (Servillo and Vessicchio/1999)
71.)“Never There” by Cake (McCrea/1998)
72.)“It’s Oh So Quiet” by Björk (Lang and Reisfeld/1995)
73.)“Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)” by Big & Rich (Kenny and Rich/2004)
74.)“Gives You Hell” by The All-American Rejects (Wheeler and Ritter/2008)
75.)“White Flag” by Dido (Armstrong, Armstrong, and Nowels/2003)
The end…until book three…
Books by Jennifer Jamelli
Checked
Checked Again
Coming Soon
Drama Unsung – a YA novel
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Checked Again (Checked Series) Page 25
