“Stop.” Randi’s voice was firm and steely. “Stop that. Right now.”
Julia went silent, but her stare stayed out to the distance.
“I don’t know Dane,” Randi conceded. “But from what I saw, and everything you’ve told me, I don’t think he’d be so quick to judge you like that. The only one who’s carrying a grudge against you is you.” She put a hand on Julia’s arm, meant to soothe. “Sometimes I think you’ve come so far from those awful days . . . and then I realize you still beat yourself up for the things that happened, possibly every day. That breaks my heart.” She squeezed and peered harder at her friend. “When are you going to forgive yourself, honey?”
“Never,” Julia whispered, and hot tears spilled from her eyes without warning. She closed her eyes and let them fall. “How can I? I lost my son. I wasn’t his mother, all these years.”
“You weren’t allowed to be,” Randi reminded her. “You didn’t abandon Colin, he was taken from you. You tried to fight. Max was a cruel, heartless bastard for what he did. One day, hopefully, Colin will wake up and see that.”
“He won’t even talk to me,” Julia croaked. The sorrow she usually kept buried deep was bubbling now and threatening to overtake her. She wiped the tears from her cheeks with aggravated swipes. “He won’t answer my e-mails, texts, nothing. It’s like I don’t exist. It kills me, Randi. It kills me. It’s so unfair.” She started to sob. “He doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him. I don’t know my own son.”
Randi pulled Julia into her arms, stroking her hair as she cried. “I know. It’s horrible. It’s so beyond awful, there are no words. But he’s out there, and you’re both alive, and as long as that’s true, I’ll never give up hope that you’ll find your way back to each other. And you shouldn’t either.”
“I don’t give up hope,” Julia wailed. “But it’s been so long already. . . .”
“I know.” Randi held her, rubbed her back. “But Julia . . . you’ve made a good life for yourself despite that. Despite everything. And maybe now, with Dane, you can have something more in your life. It could be something really good. Does he know how you feel about him?”
Julia shook her head. “No. God, no. Mister ‘Play It Fast And Loose’? No way.”
“I think there’s a lot more to him than that,” Randi said, almost scolding. “And I think you know that there is, or you wouldn’t have fallen in love with him.”
“I don’t do well with love,” Julia ground out. She sniffed back her tears and wiped her face with her hands. “My track record is crap. I pick assholes. I get blind and stupid. I make mistakes. I desperately don’t want to do that again.”
“Honey. Listen to me.” Randi took Julia’s shaking hands in hers. “You have to forgive yourself for your past mistakes, and you have to forgive those that hurt you for what they did to you, or you’re never going to fully move on.” She squeezed her fingers. “Don’t you get that?”
Julia stared at her lifelong best friend and asked in a quivery voice, “How am I supposed to forgive myself for not being a mother to my only child?”
“Because it wasn’t your choice,” Randi said staunchly. “You didn’t give him up, or walk away from him. Max took him from you and kept him away from you. That is not your fault.”
Julia closed her eyes and drew a long breath to try to steady herself.
“When’s the last time you tried to contact Colin?”
“Little over a week ago. I e-mailed him. No response, of course.”
“Keep doing that. Don’t give up. He’s getting older. Old enough to think for himself. You never know when he might turn around and answer you.”
Julia stared at her. “You think so?”
“With everything in my soul,” Randi swore.
Julia shrugged, but mulled over the words. It was a thin thread to grasp, but she would. Randi was right; as long as they were both alive, there was always a chance....
“Now, about Dane.” Randi picked up the glass Julia had set down on the grass and put it back in her hand. “Drink that and listen to me some more.”
“Yes, Mom,” Julia joked feebly, but sipped her drink as instructed.
“List all the bad points about being involved with Dane,” Randi said.
Julia snorted. “Um . . . well, to start, he’s younger than me.”
“Not by a lot.”
“He just turned thirty-six. I’m forty-one. He’s going to want kids one day.”
“How do you know that? Has he told you that?”
“No, but—”
“He’s loaded. He can adopt if he wants kids that bad. I’m crossing that off the list.” Randi nodded firmly, as if to nullify that point. “Next.”
“The money . . .”
“What about it? Like, he’s a spoiled rich brat?”
“No.” Julia was quick to shake her head at that. “No, actually, the total opposite. He’s generous and considerate. I mean, he tips his waitstaff. His bartender, he treats him like an equal. He’s good to everyone. He’s so not what I expected. . . .”
Randi squinted at her. “Then what is it?”
Julia chewed on her lip before admitting, “It’s a little intimidating. The money, the power he has . . . it reminds me of Max, and his family, and all of that.”
“Max and his family are disgusting vultures,” Randi spat out. “He was never decent to begin with. Dane is. That’s got nothing to do with money, that’s character. They’re totally different. So that’s on you, not on Dane. Get over it. Next.”
Julia couldn’t help but smirk. “You’re fierce today.”
“You need it. Next.”
The smirk broadened into a smile. “Okay. He doesn’t do relationships.”
“You don’t either.”
“True, but I—”
“Don’t want to risk being rejected since you actually want one with Dane,” Randi finished for her. “You’re the ballsiest woman I know. Get your balls out of your pocket and use them. Tell him how you feel, take a chance, or you’ll never know.”
Julia laughed in spite of herself.
“Look,” Randi said, smiling back, “you don’t ‘do’ relationships. He doesn’t either. But hey, you’re changing your mind. How do you know if you told him how you feel, he wouldn’t also? You never know unless you try. Gotta put yourself out there.”
Julia’s smile twisted. “Why would he—”
“Want a relationship with you? Gee, I have no idea.” Randi rolled her eyes. “I mean, you’re only mind-blowingly smart and talented, funny and sharp, stunningly beautiful, and already likely giving him the best sex of his life. Why would he want you? Seriously, I have no idea why he keeps coming back for more. Which, hello, in case you haven’t noticed, he has been.”
Julia scowled. Randi was right, and she knew it.
“You get up onstage several times a week and sing in front of people,” Randi said. “That takes guts. You screamed in the face of a junkie who had you up against the wall. That takes guts. You walked away from your family because they didn’t treat you right. That took tremendous guts.” Randi’s gaze narrowed. “You’re brave, Julia. If you’re brave enough to do all those things, you’ve got to be brave enough to tell Dane how you feel.”
Julia took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. “You make good points.”
“I do. But don’t listen to me,” Randi said flippantly. She shrugged and waved her hands in the air in a dismissive gesture. “No, you keep doing what you’re doing. It seems to be working for you. Right?” She arched a brow as if to punctuate the point.
“Shut up,” Julia grumbled, then pulled Randi in for a hug.
Randi embraced her and held. “Please forgive yourself,” she whispered into her ear. “Trust yourself. And trust Dane, too. Give it a shot.”
“It’s so hard to do all that,” Julia whispered back.
“I know. But you’ve got to do it anyway.” Randi swept a hand over her best friend’s back. “You deserve to be happy. An
d at peace. It’s long past time to give yourself peace.”
Dane yawned as he closed the hotel door behind him. It had been a long day for a Sunday, but a good one. He’d been all over the hotel in the morning, met an old business friend for lunch, gone back to the hotel for a workout in their gym, then met up with two old college friends for dinner and drinks. He always had a good time in Chicago.
But now he was tired and ready to fall into a deep sleep. A glance at his phone told him it was almost midnight. It felt later than it was. He needed to go to bed.
He moved through the suite to the bedroom. The king-size bed, covered in a champagne-colored duvet and pillows, called to him like a siren’s song. He let his clothes drop to the floor, placed his cell phone on the nightstand, and slipped beneath the covers. The coolness of the high-quality sheets caressed his naked body and he sighed in ecstasy. He finally relaxed, letting his body melt into the mattress. The only thing that would make the moment better would have been if Julia was beside him, also naked, and wrapped around him. Thinking of her naked brought a smile to his face, and he closed his eyes.
His cell phone pinged with a text message. He was tired, but too curious not to check. Opening his eyes, he rolled over and reached for the phone.
The text was from Julia. Thinking of you. Just saying hello. Hope you had a good day.
Something inside him kindled and warmed. She never texted him first. He always did. This was a first. And to say she was thinking of him? Bonus.
I was just thinking of you too, he texted back with a smile. Great minds . . .
Were you really? she responded. Tell the truth, Charming.
I really was! he wrote. I’m naked in bed. It’s lonely here. You can figure out the rest.
LOL, she texted. And also: delicious image. Thanks for that.
He smiled and wrote, Nice to know you were thinking of me, Red. He paused, but then added, I miss you.
She didn’t answer right away, and his stomach did a tiny twist. He’d pushed it. Too emotional. Too—
I miss you too, she sent back.
Wow. He stared at the words, stunned and softly delighted. When I get back, he wrote, I’m not letting you out of my bed for days. This is your warning.
Will I be fed at some point? she texted.
He laughed out loud. If you’re a good girl, I’ll consider it.
Oh, I’m good. Very, very good. Especially when I’m bad . . .
Don’t I know it. By the way, I’m hard now. Thanks a lot.
My work here is done. I’ll let you go . . .
He barked out a laugh. Wicked, wicked woman! I’ll get you back for this.
I look forward to it, she wrote. Good night, Dane.
Good night, Julia. Talk soon.
Trying to ignore his hard-on, he scrolled back to read the chat again, smiling at her words. Then he put the phone back on the nightstand, closed his eyes, and conjured up deliciously naughty images of Julia as he fell asleep.
Chapter Sixteen
Julia entered the bar and lounge on Thursday evening, grateful to see it wasn’t too crowded yet. As much as she loved a full house for her show, when she first got there, she preferred a more low-key atmosphere. Fewer people equaled less noise.
“Hi, guys.” She waved to Tonio and the other two bartenders as she passed.
“Hi, Julia,” Tonio answered. “Oh, hey, wait.”
She stopped at the end of the bar as he looked for something behind the register underneath. He came up holding a white envelope and handed it to her over the smooth mahogany that separated them. “This came for you.”
Julia didn’t recognize the handwriting, or the return address. It had been addressed to her care of the hotel. She frowned at it, but thanked Tonio before heading back to the dressing room.
“Kelvin?” she called out as she closed the door behind her. No response; he wasn’t in the bathroom, so he wasn’t there at all. She dropped her duffel bag by the makeup table, then sat on one of the couches to open the letter.
It was several pages long, and handwritten. She glanced at the end to see who it was from. Liam.
The room was air conditioned, but that had nothing to do with the massive chill that skittered over her as she read the contents.
Dear Julia,
Please don’t throw this out before you read it. I’m sorry I upset you when I came to see you at the hotel. I was just desperate for you to listen to me, and you wouldn’t. So . . . I got angry. I never should have pushed you against the wall, I’m very sorry for that. But you really need to hear what I was trying to tell you. I know you won’t see me or talk to me, so I figured this was the only way.
Hope you’re still reading.
I should have told you this years ago but, among other reasons that I didn’t earlier, you had left Boston and I had no idea how to find you. I eventually did thanks to the Internet. I saw the press release about you online and thought if I tried to approach you there, you would handle it better with it being in a public place. Obviously I was wrong. I had no idea how much you still hated me, though I don’t blame you and totally understand why.
I’ve done three stints in rehab since I saw you last. I’m finally clean. I haven’t used in over a year. So know that I’m dead sober and straight as I tell you this.
You were set up, Julia. Your ex-husband set you up.
He found me. He knew I was using. He thought I was your type. He paid me a lot of money, sent me your way, and had a plan. For me to seduce you, get you to trust me, and then do what I did (showing up high in front of him and your son) to help his case in court and make you lose full custody. He totally set you up, and it worked. I am so, so sorry for my part in that.
Julia’s hands shook so hard she almost dropped the pages. She swallowed back bile past the lump in her throat, trying to breathe as her stomach roiled and her face flushed. But she kept reading.
What Max didn’t count on was my falling for you. You’re an incredible woman, Julia. Beautiful, smart, sexy, fun—how could I not fall for you for real? I did. Hard. And when I did, I tried to back out of the deal. I stayed clean, and I tried to back out on Max. I wanted to be with you for real. I didn’t want to help that scumbag succeed in taking your son from you. But . . . I was an addict, Julia. A junkie who couldn’t turn away a fix. When I threatened to expose him, Max found out who my dealer was and had him pay me a visit. My dealer had a “gift” for me. Max even paid for the drugs, and said he would as long as I stuck to the original plan. I loved you, but I needed heroin more. I don’t think you can understand, unless you’ve been an addict yourself. Just try to understand: I couldn’t turn it down. And I will be forever sorry for that, and for the pain I caused you.
I was so ashamed, so full of self-loathing, that I couldn’t bear to see you, knowing what I’d done and helped set in motion. I knew once you found out the truth about me, you would never believe me anyway. You wouldn’t believe how I’d come to genuinely care for you, to love you. I had. I did. So I figured the best thing I could do for you, since I’d helped to wreck your life, was just to disappear. The coward’s way out, perhaps. But you didn’t need to see me again. That’s why I vanished.
Just so you know, I spun into a deep drug spiral immediately after. I used for several years, unable to get away from the self-loathing. I was homeless for a spell. I overdosed twice. It wasn’t until after the second OD that I finally started to try to pull myself out of the hole. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it. I’m clean now, and I’m living with my brother and I have a decent job. Don’t worry, I live in Rhode Island, nowhere near you. I’m sure you don’t care. But I wanted you to know that although I helped wreck your life, I wrecked my own in the process. I didn’t come away from that unscathed, not by a long shot. Karma’s a bitch, right?
I wanted you to know the truth. I’m sorry it’s taken this long for me to find you, and to tell you. I don’t even know if you’ll believe any of this is true. But it is. You have to know
this. Max set you up. It was all his doing. He is a master manipulator of the worst kind. You used to tell me he was. You had no idea how right you were.
It seems you’ve gotten your life back on track. I couldn’t believe how amazing you were when I saw you sing at the hotel. You are a true star. And still so beautiful. I wish you success and luck. I hope you’ve found happiness with someone else and have goodness in your life. I hope you were able to still see your son and forget about me.
I’m sure if you confront Max about this, he’ll deny it, of course. But everything I’m telling you is the truth. I’ll swear it on a stack of Bibles if you want me to, Julia.
You will never know how deeply sorry I am for hurting you. I won’t ask for forgiveness, because I know I don’t deserve it. But at least I know you finally heard this and know the truth, and that will have to suffice for me.
Liam
Julia dropped the letter, ran to the bathroom, and vomited violently into the toilet. When she finished, she burst into tears, the sobs tearing from her chest as she sank down onto the bathroom floor. Trembling, in a daze, in a flurry of sorrow and rage, she cried harder than she had since she’d lost her son in court. Her head spun at a hundred miles an hour as she tried to process Liam’s words, and what they meant if they were true.
She didn’t know how long she’d been lying there when there were warm hands on her arms, trying to lift her up.
“Julia.” It was Dane. “Hey. Julia. Jesus, look at me, baby.” He brushed her tangled hair away from her face to seek out her eyes. Staring down at her with open worry, he asked tersely, “What happened?”
“Please go away,” she croaked between gasping sobs. She waved him off. “Leave me be.”
“No way am I leaving you like this.” He lifted her up to a sitting position. She felt like a rag doll, a puppet whose strings had been cut. “Can you stand?”
More Than You Know Page 22
