She had to get up then and find a towel to dry him off, and just the act of rubbing him all over, feeling his tongue licking at her bare arms, made her feel a little better.
Moving over to the window which looked out on to the lake, she stared out. The rain was slowing down now, there were patches of blue sky among the dark clouds. She knew that within an hour it would be gone, the sun out again. To her right the paddocks of wheat were pale gold – as long as it didn’t rain again now, it would be a bumper harvest this year.
‘But you won’t see it,’ she whispered. ‘You won’t be here to make a celebration supper, not for your birthday, or for Christmas.’
But as she said this to herself she thought of the sun shining on Sydney Harbour, felt the wind in her hair as she rode on the ferry, and saw the rose beds in the Botanical Gardens.
A strange feeling crept up her, starting from her feet, a warm, tingly feeling like lemonade bubbles bursting in her veins. It seemed to gather momentum as it went up her legs into her belly and beyond, and suddenly she felt lighter and full of hope.
She turned and looked at her living-room. It was as lovely to her as it had been when they first moved in, yet surprisingly it didn’t hurt to think she would soon be saying goodbye to it. Walking over to the jarrah desk Ross had made her, she slid her hand along the smooth surface and felt a pang at leaving that behind. She could almost feel the love he’d made it with.
But Bruce was right, it was the wrong kind of love for marriage. Ross would be happier without her eventually, maybe one day he’d even meet a woman he could make love to.
It was nearly five when she went back over to Bruce’s house. She had had a bath, washed her hair, and put on a pretty pink and white gingham dress she’d made herself.
The three men were sitting at the table talking. As she walked in they all moved to get up. Three anxious faces, each one so very dear to her.
‘Stay where you are,’ she said with a smile. ‘I’ll make us all a cup of tea.’
‘I’m so sorry, Dulc!’ John said, his handsome, usually smiling face glum and troubled. ‘Strewth, I’ve got to admit there were dozens of times I wished something would happen to make you see Ross wasn’t for you, but I never expected it to come so sudden.’
‘It’s better this way, John,’ she said. ‘I’m all right about it now. But I shall miss you all so much.’
‘I didn’t know whether to phone Rudie or not,’ Bruce said. ‘We’d just been discussing that, and if we ought to book a plane ticket for you.’
‘I won’t be going with him on the plane,’ she said, looking to each of their faces in turn. ‘I don’t want Ross to be hurt still more when he comes back. I’ll catch the train tomorrow night to Sydney.’
They all looked stunned. ‘But it’s such a long trip.’ Bruce exclaimed.
‘I think I need some breathing space,’ she said simply. ‘When I get to Sydney I’ll find a room and a job. I won’t be going to Watson’s Bay except to visit Rudie and Noël.’
‘Fair dinkum?’ John said. ‘You’re gonna do it on your own?’
She laughed. ‘I’m a big girl now, John, and I don’t intend to jump from the frying pan into the fire. I can make it on my own.’
‘Is there anything I can do for you?’ Bruce asked. His eyes were wide with surprise and his lips were trembling with emotion.
‘You could ring up and book me a berth on the train,’ she said. ‘And lend me a suitcase too if you’ve got one spare. I’ve got an awful lot more stuff than I arrived with. Can I ask one of you to drive me to the station tomorrow evening too?’
All three of them simultaneously offered, and Bruce laughed. ‘Reckon all three of us’ll be taking you. We’ve got to give you the royal send-off.’
It was after supper that Dulcie phoned Rudie to tell him. She had considered every possible aspect of her move to Sydney during the afternoon, and she had it completely straight in her head now.
‘I’m leaving Ross,’ she began, after only the briefest of pleasantries about Noël, then launched into what she intended to do.
‘You don’t have to do that,’ he began, but she cut him short before he could offer her a plane ticket or a room in his house.
‘I know, but that’s what I’m going to do. I know it’s right.
There was a brief pause. She supposed he was as shocked as Bruce and the men. ‘How did this all come about, Dulcie?’ he asked.
She told him the story as calmly as she could. ‘Then he took off on his bike,’ she finished up. ‘The last thing he said was that he wanted me to be happy for evermore.’
Dulcie thought Rudie sounded very odd – when he questioned her more closely, his voice seemed a bit croaky. ‘So you understand why I don’t feel able to go on the same plane as you?’ she said finally. ‘I have to leave him some dignity.’
‘Yes, of course,’ he said. ‘Would it be wrong for me to still come up there tomorrow?’
‘No, of course not. We all want to see you and Noël. I’ll be leaving in the evening, so come about ten so we can all have a nice long day together.’
*
Rudie wept when he put the receiver down. However he looked at it, whatever benefits his actions would have on the rest of Dulcie and Ross’s lives, he would always feel ashamed that he’d blackmailed Ross and caused him such pain.
He hadn’t expected the man to act so quickly or so honourably. Clearly there was a great deal more to him than a mere braggart. In his stupidity, too, he hadn’t realized Dulcie had always known this, nor had it occurred to him that if she gained her freedom she wouldn’t necessarily come running crying to him.
In fact he could see now that there was far more to Dulcie too than he’d ever imagined. He’d seen and admired her sweetness, compassion and stoic acceptance of whatever life threw at her. She was the perfect companion because she delighted in the simplest things – a sandwich made for her, a paddle in the sea, a ride on a ferry or bathing a baby. That night after May’s funeral when he kissed her, everything had come together in his mind to tell him she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
But she had a steelier side that he’d never even guessed at. He ought to have seen it when she showed him her marvellous paintings, for she had advanced so far in her technique that it was obvious she had been persistently working night after night on them. Now she was intending to travel alone to Sydney, to find a job and a home all by herself, and though he admired her spirit and the pragmatic view she’d taken of Ross asking her to leave, he was afraid that there might not be much room in her new life for him.
He poured himself a stiff brandy and his thoughts went back to Ross. Tonight he would almost certainly have the longest, loneliest night of his adult life and it was bound to take him back to his childhood where he would relive again all the hurts, humiliations and shame.
‘You poor bastard,’ Rudie muttered to himself. ‘But you can take some pride in doing the right thing by Dulcie.’
*
At six-thirty the following evening, John put Dulcie’s two large suitcases and a smaller one containing the things she needed on the journey into the boot of Bruce’s car, then got in the back with Bob. Bruce came out of the house next and got into the driving seat.
‘I left her in there to say goodbye to Rudie and Noël in private,’ he said over his shoulder. It had been a strange sort of day – he felt unbearably sad that Dulcie was going out of his life, yet joyful that she was finally going to get the kind of life she deserved.
It had been good to spend more time with Rudie, he liked the man so much, and Noël was a delight, anyone’s dream grandson. Yet that was tinged with sadness too because although he might be able to get to Sydney once, perhaps twice, to see them, he knew in his heart that time was running out for him. Then over and above all that he was mystified as to why Ross suddenly let Dulcie go. Ross was many things, a complex and often contradictory man, but he wasn’t known for putting other people’s needs before his own.
Why would the man shoot himself in the foot?
‘Reckon Dulc and Rudie might make a go of it?’ Bob said, tapping Bruce on the shoulder and ending his reverie.
‘I hope so,’ Bruce said, not trusting himself to turn to look at his men because he was close to tears. ‘They are right for each other. But it’s early days yet. Dulcie’s doing the right thing going on her own. It will make it easier for Ross to bear.’
‘I can’t for the life of me understand why he suddenly told her to push off,’ John said. ‘One moment he was fighting mad about Rudie and Noël coming here, next moment he’s throwing them together. I know he could be a weird bastard sometimes, but this ain’t in character.’
‘I reckon he’ll be back tomorrow,’ Bob said thoughtfully. ‘Maybe he got all fired up and thought it was the right thing at the time, but hell, he’s bound to have second thoughts. Sheilas like Dulc aren’t thick on the ground round here. I bet he comes back fighting mad tomorrow.’
‘Then it’s a good thing Dulcie’s going now,’ Bruce said. ‘I wouldn’t want her to see him after a couple of days’ hard boozing. I don’t relish it myself.’
Silence fell in the car, each of them contemplating how Ross would be when he came back.
In the kitchen Dulcie had just finished stuffing a few last-minute odds and ends into her handbag. Rudie and Noël just stood there looking at her expectantly.
‘One kissy for Auntie,’ Dulcie said, sweeping Noël up in her arms. He obediently opened his mouth like a goldfish, making her laugh. ‘Oh, a big wet one,’ she exclaimed as he put his mouth to her cheek.
‘Any chance that I get a kiss too?’ Rudie said. ‘One with a bit of hope attached to it?’
She put Noël down and went to him. Rudie took her head in both hands and tilted her face up to his, looking into her eyes. ‘I wish you a safe journey,’ he said, kissing her lightly on the lips. ‘You ring me as soon as you get there, so I know you’re safe. You’re very precious to me,’ he whispered. Then suddenly he put his arms around her and really kissed her. Like the kiss he’d given her on the night of May’s funeral, it was tender and sensual, awakening every nerve ending in her body. His tongue flickered against hers, his hands caressing her back and neck, and she felt she was falling through space into a place where nothing mattered but him.
‘Was there hope attached to that one?’ she whispered huskily as they clung together.
‘More than I dreamed of,’ he whispered back. ‘But you must go now. Call me!’
Dulcie hesitated before getting into the car, looking round her one last time, remembering how happy she felt the first time Bruce drove her around the farm. It looked so beautiful now, the sun sinking down behind the pines, the sky dark pink with a hint of purple.
Maybe she hadn’t been happy for the entire six years here, but she knew she would always look back on it with affection, remembering this was where she had been shown love and approval, a place she’d learnt to trust again and to find herself.
Jigger came bounding over to her, wagging his tail and making a whining noise as if he too was saying goodbye. She bent to pet him one last time. ‘Good boy,’ she whispered. ‘Take good care of Ross for me.’
‘See you in Sydney,’ Rudie said, bending to kiss her cheek. ‘Say bye-bye, Noël,’ he said to the child in his arms.
‘Bye-bye,’ Noël said and began to wave furiously.
Dulcie turned to look back as Bruce drove off. Rudie was still standing there, Noël still waving. The fading sun behind them glinted on their dark hair, their faces in shadow.
Chapter Twenty-eight
‘Dr Heinne will see you now, Mrs Proctor,’ Dulcie said to the elegantly dressed middle-aged woman in the waiting room. She smiled encouragingly for it was Mrs Proctor’s first appointment with Stephan, and she could see she was nervous. ‘If you’d like to follow me.’
She led the way up the stairs to Stephan’s consulting room on the first floor, and opened the door. ‘This is Mrs Proctor, Dr Heinne,’ she said.
Stephan got up from his desk and came to greet his patient. ‘Good morning, Mrs Proctor, do come in.’ He smiled briefly at Dulcie. ‘Thank you, Miss Taylor. Hold all calls.’
Dulcie walked back downstairs again to her small office next to the waiting-room, smiling as she caught a glimpse of herself in the large mirror in the hall. She wore a plain white button-through uniform dress with a wide white belt, her hair swept back into a neat chignon. It was the kind of look she’d always admired since she was a small girl – sleek, understated yet glamorous.
A year had passed since she left the farm, and sometimes as she sat in her office making out bills, answering the telephone and keeping Stephan’s books and files for him, she had almost to pinch herself to prove this wasn’t a dream.
She had found a small room in Surry Hills on her arrival in Sydney, and as a temporary measure, until she found something better, she took a job as a waitress in a restaurant close to The Rocks. During her first month she was often filled with self-doubt, for the city she’d dreamed of so often back in Esperance seemed a lonely and frightening place. She would go and visit Rudie and Noël once a week on her day off, but she was determined not to rely on Rudie or any of his friends she’d met previously for company, she felt she had to make a life of her own. Telephoning Stephan was a matter of courtesy – she felt she owed it to him to tell him herself she’d left Ross, he had after all given her so much support and advice in the past.
Stephan was delighted to hear from her and insisted on taking her out to dinner to hear her news in more detail, and during the course of the evening he asked if she’d like to be his receptionist-cum-secretary.
Dulcie’s first thought was that he’d invented the job purely out of sentimentality, or even pity, but as it turned out that wasn’t the case. He really did need help, and as he explained, the very nature of his work meant he had to have someone entirely discreet and trustworthy, who would also empathize with his patients. He said he thought she was ideal for the job.
Within a week of working for him she knew it was her dream job. His system of filing was disorganized, he was very behind with sending out bills, and when he was with a patient he had to ignore the phone, which often upset the caller. It felt good to create order out of chaos, to work in a calm environment and to know she was making Stephan’s life a great deal more comfortable.
It was a long journey from Surry Hills to Rose Bay, so she found a tiny self-contained flat nearby, and as her working hours were far shorter than in the restaurant, she had long evenings in which to paint. It was also much easier to visit Noël and Rudie as it was only one stop on the ferry or a short bus ride.
Her feelings about Rudie were very confused. She felt she loved him, he dominated her thoughts constantly, but she was afraid too. Was she just a substitute for May? Was she chasing a dream because of Noël? Was she fooling herself it was real love the way she had with Ross? Sometimes she felt that her feelings would be clarified if she let herself go and went to bed with Rudie, yet this too was a problem, for she still clung to the idea that sex outside of marriage was wrong.
In many ways her moral dilemma was solved when she started proceedings for an annulment of her marriage on the grounds of non-consummation. It began with a medical examination to establish that she was still a virgin, and her solicitor warned her that right up until the annulment had been granted, if Ross decided to challenge it, she could very well be called for yet another physical examination. So she couldn’t let Rudie become her lover.
Rudie was so patient and understanding. He didn’t put her under any pressure or make her feel guilty, he seemed happy just with kissing and cuddling, and before long they were spending all their spare time together at weekends. Gradually Dulcie was able to see for herself that she hadn’t ever been a substitute for May, and big attraction as Noël was, it was his father she was falling deeper and deeper in love with.
Thankfully Ross made no protests about the annulment, agreeing complete
ly with her statement and co-operating with the lawyers. Letters passed between them and although he didn’t sound exactly happy, he appeared resigned to his single status. Bruce reported he had spent some months drinking heavily, with morose periods, but that by the time the lambing season began in May he had bucked up and had begun making furniture again in his spare time.
Bruce had a new housekeeper now, an Italian woman called Maria who came in six days a week. He said she was fat, and slovenly compared to Dulcie, but she was jolly and an excellent cook. John had a new lady in his life, Maggie, a widow of thirty-eight with three children. Bruce said they often came to the farm on Sundays and it was good to have some kids around. He hoped John might finally take the plunge and marry Maggie because she was a good sort. As for Bob, he went on just as he always had, happy that he had a job and a home, asking for nothing more.
Dulcie sat down at her desk and checked the appointment book. The next patient wasn’t due for an hour. She had already filed all the patients’ notes from the previous day and sent out bills, so she really had nothing much to do now but take calls. This was Stephan’s home as well as his workplace, and she usually made them both sandwiches and coffee for lunch, which they ate in his kitchen at the back of the house. She always looked forward to that hour, Stephan was a fascinating man, and through him she had learnt a great deal about the long-term effects of an unhappy childhood.
This had helped her understand herself far better, to study and accept what had happened to her in the past, then put it away and look only to the future. Yet while learning all this, she could also see so clearly how for most emotionally scarred people this was almost an impossibility. Had May lived, it was unlikely she would ever have reached that understanding. Ross too would never be entirely cured. She often thought about the other girls she had known at St Vincent’s, the boys at Clontarf, Bindoon and other orphanages, and knew that for the vast majority of them their lives would be lonely, deprived and fraught with personal problems.
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