Nicole yawned again. ‘See you tomorrow, then. Oh, and Adam, make sure to be on time. She’s got an appointment with the nurse in the afternoon. Just routine, but she’ll need to have her lunch.’
‘I will be,’ he promised. ‘Thanks, Nicole.’
‘Like I say, don’t thank me yet. She’s a handful, Adam. Let’s just play it by ear.’
Adam rang off and flicked to his photos. ‘Nice to be meeting you, Lily-Grace,’ he said, his mouth curving into a smile. How would she look now, he wondered again, and made a mental note to ask Nicole to send him some new photos. He should have done that before, too. Despairing of himself, of the time he’d wasted, going nowhere and doing absolutely nothing with his life, Adam smiled at his now almost constant ghostly companion, whose sorrow he sensed definitely wasn’t so heavy. Time he stopped looking for reasons not to and started making something of himself, he decided, bending to tie his laces good and tight.
He’d made sure to warm up this morning, got some quad, calf and hamstring stretches in, giving Nathaniel cause to poke his head suspiciously out of his office door. His curiosity had obviously been piqued by the unnatural ebb and flow of the boat. Adam was only grateful he’d let him stay onboard. He needed to be out of the cottage but the prospect of a hotel room even for one night … Apart from the fact that he couldn’t afford one, Adam doubted he’d have been able to face staying in a soulless hotel room on his own. It was way too stark a reminder.
Forcing back the inevitable image his mind conjured up, Emily, so still, so cold, Adam sucked in a breath, plucked up his bottle of water, and headed quickly for the door. He needed to be out running, not thinking.
Despite the dreams – the hallucinations, he supposed that’s what they were – he was definitely feeling better. That was probably more to do with having Sienna in his life than the short time he’d been off the booze – though he wasn’t sure she was, or even wanted to be. Also Nicole returning his call might mean he’d have another person he cared about in his life. Was he being over-optimistic, he wondered? Possibly, but it felt a bloody sight better than being pessimistic.
‘All right?’ Nathaniel called across the marina as Adam leapt his handrail to the bank.
‘Yep, good,’ Adam called jauntily back. ‘You?’
‘Astonished,’ Nathaniel answered, looking him over, perplexed. Understandably, Adam conceded. It wasn’t often he emerged hangover free this early in the morning. ‘Are you off running?’
‘Thought I might now I’m dressed for it. Fancy joining me?’
‘Do I look as if I need to?’ Nathaniel indicated his physique with a sweep of his hand.
Adam laughed, noting the slight but definite paunch his friend was sucking in. ‘Erm, from this angle, truthfully, yes.’
‘Cheers.’ Nathaniel waved him on. ‘Don’t fall down any potholes, will you.’
Adam gave him a cheery wave back and set off at an even jog, running at a comfortable pace for two minutes at a time, then walking for two minutes times five. He thought that was sensible for the first week.
Not too disastrously breathless after his fifth sprint, he took a drink from his bottle, wiped the sweat from his forehead with his vest, and slowed his last two-minute walk right down, which should bring his heart rate back to resting level. As long as his mind didn’t wander in a certain other direction, that was. He could swear his pulse kicked up a notch every time he thought about Sienna. He still couldn’t believe the conversation they’d had, that he’d actually recounted details of his not-very-savoury first casual encounter after Emily. Why Sienna hadn’t recoiled in horror, he had no idea. Instead, she’d encouraged him, somehow making him feel safe to admit things he’d never imagined telling to anyone. She really was an enigma, sexual, sensual, innocent, shrewd, caring, kind; beautiful, inside and out. He’d be mad not to be in love with her. Adam smiled as he realised how easy it was becoming to admit that, too.
He wished Nathaniel hadn’t turned up at the crucial moment last night, checking up on him. He’d been a heartbeat away from pressing his lips against hers, possibly more terrified of kissing a woman than he’d ever felt; scared that she might pull away. Would she have? She’d have been wise to. She should have nothing to do with a waster like him, but Adam sensed that for some unfathomable reason, she wanted to. And, as much as he’d tried to tell himself he didn’t want to go there, didn’t need love and commitment and all the heartbreak that went with it, he knew now that he did want to, very much.
He wanted Sienna, in his bed, in his heart, in his life.
He wanted to hold her in his arms. Talk to her, lie with her; dream with her. He wanted to make love with her, and this time he wanted to do it right.
She’d said it was beautiful. He’d taken her virginity, treated her abysmally afterwards, and still she’d said it was beautiful. It had been. She was. Amazingly beautiful with her wild hair splayed against that pillow, her eyes holding his, smoky with sated desire. The way she called out his name …
Dammit. Seeing Sherry’s car parked outside the cottage, Adam stopped short. He’d aimed to collect his stuff but no way was he going in there while Sherry was around. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold his temper if she started bad-mouthing Sienna again.
She was probably about to put his stuff on the doorstep anyway, now whatever it was they’d been doing together was over. It should never have started, any of it, using women and then emotionally abusing them just as surely as their husbands were. What the bloody hell had he been thinking?
Had he abused Emily? Neglected her feelings in some way before the arguments had started? His mind drifted back to a place he didn’t usually dare let it dwell. He didn’t think so. He’d never been aware she’d been so unhappy that she’d want to seek affection elsewhere, with his own brother, who really didn’t give a damn about the women he bedded, just like the old man. Adam had tried to be like them, once his mother had left, to be one of the lads. He just didn’t get it, though, especially once he’d met Emily. Booze, women, booze, women and more booze, it just didn’t appeal. He’d done all right since though, hadn’t he? The old man would be proud.
Why? Adam asked himself the same question he’d asked himself a million times as he headed back the way he’d come. Why his brother? Yes, she’d been drinking, more once they’d started to argue, but had she been that drunk? Had Darren coerced Emily in some way? Had she been in love with him? He’d never know, would he? As hard as Adam tried not to think about it, his mind had played it over and over, searching for answers. Waking in the dead of night when the nightmares came, he searched. Sensing the emotions of the presence he either imagined or genuinely encountered, he searched.
He never found them.
What he had come to realise, though, was that he’d been running ever since. He’d run away on that godforsaken day, and he’d kept on running because he was truly scared he might meet someone he loved as much as he had Emily – and his love would never be enough. He’d put his cards on the table ever since, been honest with women, or so he’d kidded himself, making it clear he didn’t do commitment. He’d told himself he’d been ensuring the woman’s feelings didn’t get hurt. He’d been lying. It was his own feelings he’d been protecting. And now he wanted out. He had no clue what the future might hold, but he didn’t want to live like this anymore, every conversation he had with a woman peppered with sexual innuendo; every relationship nothing but physical. Whatever happened, he would be more grateful to Sienna than she could ever know for helping to open his eyes to that fact.
‘Are you decent?’ Sienna shouted down from the deck of Adam’s boat.
‘Er, yep,’ Adam shouted up. ‘Come on in, Sienna.’
‘How did the run go this morning?’ Sienna came down his cabin steps and then, ‘Oops, sorry,’ she said, averting her eyes and twirling around as she realised Adam was dressed in only a towel.
‘Erm, Sienna,’ he said, so close to her ear it sent goosebumps the entire length of her spine, ‘
I realise it might not have been the most thrilling sight ever, but you have seen it all before, you know?’
‘It was,’ Sienna said, whirling back around to see his delicious, dark eyes filled with uncertainty. He was self-conscious? Adam-the-super-stud? Sienna was momentarily speechless.
‘Glad to hear it,’ Adam said, his gaze drifting towards his torso. ‘My ego was on a serious downslide there for a second.’
But his body, despite the scar, was the sexiest thing Sienna had ever laid eyes on. Did he really not realise what women were lusting after? She couldn’t quite believe it. ‘You have a gorgeous body,’ she assured him, helping herself to a leisurely perusal of it. ‘It’s just a pity it has to keep flaunting itself in front of every passing female.’
‘I’m trying to restrain it.’ He smiled embarrassedly and turned to reach for his shorts. ‘So what can I do for you?’
‘I, um …’ Whew, Sienna felt a definite hot flush, high up and lower down, as he whipped off his towel and tugged the shorts on ‘… wondered if you’d like to come over to my place?’
‘Sorry?’ Adam turned back, a curious look in his eye now as he plucked his shirt from the seating area.
‘Later. For a drink, maybe? A soft drink, obviously, as you’re, um, you know. And a bite to eat, possibly? That’s if you’re free, of course. No pressure. I haven’t got anything special in or, um, anything …’ Sienna trailed hopelessly off, her tongue tying itself in an inarticulate knot.
‘Oh, right.’ He looked a little uncertain, causing Sienna’s heart to go into crestfallen free fall. ‘I’d love to,’ he said, still not looking overly enthusiastic, ‘but won’t Lauren mind?’
Thank God for that. Sienna’s heart started its laborious ascent back up her chest, one of many it had undertaken since she’d first set eyes on him. She’d thought he was about to say he’d got other, more interesting plans. ‘She’s out,’ she assured him, ‘nightclubbing with her new boyfriend, so …’
‘Great,’ Adam said, looking relieved. ‘Death by killer look is a painful one, I’m told.’
So is death by electrodes, Sienna thought but didn’t volunteer. ‘So, you’ll come?’
‘I’d like nothing better,’ he said, his mouth curving into a lovely warm smile. It suited him, it really did. He should do that more often. ‘Do I have to dress?’
‘Um …’ Sienna eyed his still bare chest. No, she thought, absolutely not, ever. ‘Casual’s fine,’ she said, scooting around and heading for the door before she drooled on his toes.
‘What time do you want me?’ Adam asked.
All the time. ‘Sevenish,’ Sienna said shrilly, trying not to trip up the steps. ‘I’ll give you a guided tour of my interior. I mean …’ Oh God.
‘Can’t wait.’ She heard Adam chuckle softly behind her.
Making sure Tobias was watered and fed and comfortably tucked up in his bed in the kitchen, Sienna checked the general ambience and decided the lighting still wasn’t right. Growing more nervous by the minute, she flicked off the lamp in the lounge, and then clicked it back on again. They were just going to be talking, she reminded herself. She’d invited Adam over for a social get together, that was all. So she could hopefully get to know more about him, which might have been better relationship protocol than offering him her not-very-inviting virginal self on a plate before they’d even had a proper conversation.
If she was going to establish whether he might really be interested in her, mind and body, she had to stop compromising him – which she blatantly had – and have some kind of dialogue with him. Blowing out a tea light on the coffee table, she headed for the hall in search of her ringing mobile, her mind completely ignoring her will to resist and conjuring images of Adam doing terrible things to her with his tongue, as she answered it without first checking the number as she usually did.
Shoot! ‘Hi, Dad.’ Sienna blanched and blushed in turn. ‘Yes, yes, I’m fine,’ she said, attempting to moderate her tone to something other than choking.
‘So, how’s the script coming along?’ her father asked, probably imagining she’d written something equivalent to Gone With The Wind at the very least, inspired by her new surroundings – requisite inspiring surroundings her reasons for renting the cottage, she’d told him.
‘Um, yes, good,’ Sienna assured him, fancying that disclosing the actual inspiration behind her latest efforts might not be a terribly good idea. ‘How’s the training going? Five miles? Fabulous! Well done you.’
Her father continued to bombard her with questions. ‘Huh, huh, absolutely. Five a day,’ Sienna dutifully answered him, but when the conversation hinted at heading towards her love life: ‘Got to go, Dad. I’m expecting a friend.’ At which point, thank goodness, the doorbell rang right on cue.
Still on the phone, Sienna opened the door and gestured Adam on in. ‘Yes, a girlfriend.’ She gave him a smile and carried on talking to her dad. ‘She’s just arrived.’
Adam furrowed his brow and glanced back over his shoulder.
‘Byee! Good luck with the training tomorrow. Speak soon.’ Sienna ended the call and rolled her eyes. ‘My dad,’ she explained as she led the way to the kitchen. Bad enough that she’d been caught unawares by her dad but it would have been even worse if the caller had been her increasingly bothersome ex.
‘Ah, I see,’ Adam said. ‘I think. Training?’ he asked as Tobias bounded up to greet him, clearly thinking his hero was worth getting out of bed for.
Sienna smiled as Adam gently discouraged the dog from jumping up on his creaky hips, crouching down to his level instead to give him a good fuss.
‘He runs,’ Sienna said as, duly stroked and patted, Tobias went back in search of his creature comforts. ‘He’s training for the London Marathon in aid of mental health awareness. You two would have a lot in common.’
‘Wow.’ Adam looked impressed. ‘He must be pretty fit, then?’
‘He’s a former Physical Education instructor,’ Sienna said, turning to the cooker to check the Bolognese sauce.
‘Sounds like a formidable man to cross.’ Adam furrowed his brow, looking the tiniest bit concerned.
‘No, not really.’ Sienna smiled. It was true, her dad was a man’s man, tall and fit for his age, but he was actually as much a puppy as Tobias was, most of the time. ‘He’s lovely,’ she assured him, ‘despite outward formidable appearances. He took up running after Mum died. I think it was his way of coping, you know, focussing his energies – on his running, his career, his daughter’s virtue.’
‘Rrrright,’ Adam said, dragging his hand over his neck, now looking very concerned.
‘Oops.’ Sienna chewed on her lip, and then laughed out loud as Adam gulped demonstratively. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell him you stole mine,’ she said, pouring them both a lemonade. ‘I’ll tell him I gave it to you.’
‘Erm, I actually can’t see that making him want to kill me any less, Sienna,’ Adam pointed out as she passed him his glass. ‘So, er, how fast can he run, exactly?’
‘Fast,’ Sienna said, and then laughed again, as Adam made a great show of loosening his T-shirt collar.
‘I think I’d better up my jog to a sprint.’ He frowned worriedly, his mouth curving into a slow smile nevertheless. ‘You do that beautifully, you know?’ he said, scanning her face.
‘What?’ Sienna asked, feeling suddenly self-conscious under his gaze.
‘Laugh,’ he said softly. ‘It lights up your eyes.’
His eyes were locked on hers, dark and searching, that same hungry desire she’d seen there once before. Sienna looked away. He was burning a hole in her soul, he really was – and superheating other parts of her.
‘Shall we, um …?’ She nodded towards the lounge and stepped past him to lead the way there, brushing his bare arm with hers as she did, which shot a sizzling fission of heat right through her.
‘So, what happened with your mum?’ Adam asked as he followed her. ‘If you don’t mind me asking.’
Sienna s
hrugged. She didn’t mind him asking. She did mind that her answer might make her seem needy, though. She was, of course. Wasn’t everyone who’d lost someone too soon? But no more so than he, she supposed, albeit in a different way. ‘She committed suicide,’ she said as matter-of-factly as she could, turning away to rearrange a cushion lest she see a ‘Holy crap, I’d better get out of here’ look in his eyes. Sienna had seen that look before. Sadly, some people just weren’t comfortable dealing with such an emotive issue, so she didn’t generally share it.
‘She was bipolar,’ she went on, focussing on the rearranged, and rearranged again, cushion when Adam didn’t speak. ‘It’s an awful illness, little understood. I don’t think you can understand it really, unless you live with it. More awful for the person suffering, though. I don’t think Mum understood it.’
She paused, remembering with crystal clear clarity the look of bewilderment in her mum’s eyes, the disillusionment – with herself – that she’d slipped back into her dark place, not even knowing why. Nothing triggered it. Her mum would always be at great pains to tell Sienna that she was never the cause of it. Nothing in particular ever was. That’s why it was such a terribly cruel affliction, taking a sunny, caring person and draining the happiness out of her, leaving only dark thoughts and desolation.
‘She was fabulous when she was on a high,’ she continued quickly, catching a lump in her throat, ‘upbeat, bubbly, fun, the life and soul of the party, but when she was down … She was always consumed with guilt, mostly because she didn’t know why she was down. Maybe if they’d ever managed to get the medication right …’
Sienna swallowed and chatted on, wanting to just get it out there and hoping Adam wasn’t already contemplating his escape route, possibly thinking he might have to handle her with kid gloves.
‘Dad found her. He blamed himself, I think, because he hadn’t realised how desperate she was to just be “normal”. That’s why he decided to study psych—’
Catching a movement behind her, Sienna stopped and turned around, to see Adam not so much sit down on the sofa, as drop down, like a stone. ‘Adam, are you okay?’ she asked, stepping towards him.
The Rest of My Life Page 14
