by I. A. Dice
“Because I wanted you.” I held her gaze. “And I still do. I accepted the rules you set out, and I would still adhere to them if I thought you didn’t give a shit about me, but you do. Fuck, Nadia, you want me. You want more. You’re just afraid to admit it.”
Silence fell upon us. It rang in my ears, and every passing second pushed me that much closer to madness. That girl sure knew how to build the tension. It was like some freak horror movie, when nothing happens, but you just know that any second someone will jump out of nowhere and scare the living fuck out of you.
Instead of more screaming, Nadia exhaled slowly. “I need to see James.” She zipped the bag, then rose on her toes to kiss my lips. “There is so much I need to work through, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m not afraid of your past. I’m afraid you’ll let it ruin our present.”
CHAPTER 23
NADIA
Puppet
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Funny. It seemed the road to heaven was paved with selfish deeds. My relationship with Thomas hit a crossroad. He wanted more despite knowing he was falling for damaged goods. I wanted more despite knowing Adrian still had a hold on me.
“You’ve always been the one to overthink,” James said, sipping on his coffee. “You complicate things that are, in fact, very simple. I’m not allowed to tell you what to do, Nadia, but you know what to do.”
“I allow you,” I smirked. “Let’s pretend you’re not my doctor for five minutes. Just be a friend. Is it cruel and selfish to want to be with Thomas when I’m still not out of the woods?” I kicked my heels off and tucked my feet under my bum. “At first, I thought he was just an ad hoc anaesthetic, but he’s more. The longer I’m with him, the bigger my progress. I hugged Nick the other day and didn’t even mind his closeness.”
“Well, friend. If you only want to be with him because he’s healing you, then yes—it’s cruel and selfish, but if you have feelings for him, then the help he’s offering is just a bonus.”
The longer I thought about it, the more convinced I was that I had feelings for Thomas since day one. It was just physical attraction at first, coupled with how safe and normal he made me feel, and it quickly turned to more than physical attraction. Maybe that was partly the reason why I refused to give in to him, because deep down I knew we would never make it as friends with benefits.
I was trying to protect him from day one.
My phone rang, and the ringtone alone made my skin crawl. A soft, bluesy guitar riffs captivated my mind, soul and all my senses. James’s office became a blur, his voice distorted. The one clear thing in sight was the screen of my phone, and the sound of Stay around a little longer by Buddy Guy.
“Let me guess,” I said, seeing Adrian’s broad smile.
He spent the last two hours in front of the laptop, claiming he had to write a term paper, but the look on his face told me that instead of writing, he surfed the web.
“That small independent cinema is screening one of the old Pacino movies this weekend.”
“No, I have something better.” He put the laptop aside and outstretched his hand to me. “C’mon puppet. You’ll love this.”
I climbed onto his lap and smiled when he wrapped his arms around me. He wore his favourite, oversized fraternity hoodie. It was so big that I could easily fit in there with him. The smell of his cologne rubbed off on my clothes, a pleasant mixture of juniper, musk and bergamot.
He kissed my head and rested his cheek there. “Close your eyes.”
I did, and Adrian pressed play. The room filled with a bluesy song, hugging my senses the way Adrian hugged my body. I didn’t listen to the words lost in the melody, but Adrian had a few lines he wanted me to remember. He moved his lips to my ear and whispered the chorus.
The phone kept ringing in my hand. How on earth did he get my number? I changed it the day he was locked in the rehab facility and gave it to no one in New York. Thomas, Amelia, Nick …
Nick.
Nick spoke to Adrian.
Bile came to my throat, and I couldn’t catch a breath at the mere thought of my brother knowing why I left Adrian.
I slid my thumb across the screen, pressed the phone to my ear, and stared into the distance. All I saw was Adrian’s face; all I felt were his Eskimo kisses all over my face.
He breathed down the line forcing the hair on my neck to stand to attention. Three months had passed since the last time I heard him.
“Puppet,” he whispered. “Please don’t hang up.”
My body stiffened, and I remained silent, too stunned to say or do anything.
He sniffled, then took a deep breath. “I miss you so much, puppet. I miss you like crazy. I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make you trust me again. I’m clean. I swear.”
He sounded desperate and so sincere. I felt my body tremble, focused on his words, the tone of his voice and all the unspoken “I’m sorry” and “I love you” in-between the lines.
“Hey,” I muttered, my eyes closed. “How are you doing?”
A chocked back sob on his side of the line almost broke my heart all over again.
“I’m good. I’m better. Clean, sober. I’ll be out in a couple of weeks… How are you, puppet? Are you safe?” His voice broke, but he took a hold of himself. “Just tell me you’re safe. I’ve been worried sick.”
“I’m safe,” I muttered to calm him down.
I didn’t want to hear him hurt. He suffered so much, and now he had to live with everything he did. It couldn’t be easy.
“Thank God. Can you come and visit?”
A tear rolled down my cheek and fell onto my jeans. “No, I can’t.”
It didn’t sound like I meant it. I wasn’t sure if I did. I just wanted him to keep talking in that soothing manner. There wasn’t a cell in my body that didn’t experience fear, but with every word coming out of his mouth my body relaxed. The memories of the good times somehow outweighed the bad things that crippled our relationship.
Adrian was a magician. He hurt me beyond measure, but it took a few seconds of hearing him talk for the foundations of my defences to crack as if I built them in a sinking city.
“Please, I need to see you and apologise. I need to tell you how sorry I am, and how much I miss you, and how much I l…”
“Don’t say it,” I cut in, scared half to death of how those three words would affect me.
I ran my hand through my hair, hugged my knees, and rocked back and forth like a child terrified of the monster hiding under the bed.
“I love you, puppet. I love you so much. I can’t go another day without you.”
“Stop. Please, stop saying it.” I pleaded, getting more hysterical by the second, even though I wanted him to repeat those words forever.
“I’ll never stop. I’ll always love you. I need you, I need to see you, and I need to kiss you. God, I miss your lips; I miss the way you taste. You’re everything I need, puppet.”
I shut my eyes tighter, blocking the memories his words summoned. The endless nights and days I spent in his arms, the soft kisses, the most endearing confessions, and the three words that made my heart skip a beat. It made me want to get on the next plane to New York so he could tell me how much he loved me face to face.
“You spoke to Nick, didn’t you? What did you tell him?”
“Nothing, puppet. Why didn’t you tell him? You shouldn’t protect me, baby. He should know, and he should hate me. I know I do.”
“He shouldn’t know. It would break him, and I won’t do that to him three weeks ahead of his wedding. And you won’t either. Promise me.”
“I do; I promise, puppet. Whatever you want. I leave rehab in two weeks. I can still make the wedding.”
I felt a firm grip on my shoulders and saw James kneeling in front of me. He looked as scared as I felt. The hold, the hypnotic state Adrian trapped me in subsided, and I allowed myself to hear his voice, to feel the touch of his hands, to see
concern in his eyes.
“Should I call Nick?”
I shook my head no.
“Who is that?” Adrian asked, his tone defeated.
“I’m glad you’re better, but I don’t want you to come.”
I pressed the red button on the screen, my hands shaking, my body shuddered with silent sobs. How was Adrian able to isolate me like that? How was it that my own subconscious saw him as the victim?
The bluesy melody filled the silence again, but this time I didn’t answer, and when he stopped calling, I blocked his number, then deleted it from my contacts just in case.
We couldn’t stay in touch if I were to ever heal.
“He manipulates you,” James said, the doctor-patient front long gone. “Don’t fall for it, Nadia. He’ll be an addict for the rest of his life. Don’t let him trick you into taking him back. You’ll live in fear forever.”
He was right, but Adrian’s call wasn’t the worst that happened. Nick gave him my number, and that felt like a slap across my face.
“I need all the pills you took from me.”
James frowned, shaking his head a firm no.
“Please. I need to show Nick why he should never hope that I’ll get back with Adrian. I can’t tell him the truth, but I can show him the state Adrian left me in.”
CHAPTER 24
THOMAS
Crazy rooster
Scorpio rubbed his hands together. “I’m taking your money tonight, boys.”
He wished. We played poker at Nick’s house every Wednesday for over a year, and Scorpio won maybe ten games in total.
“In your dreams. It’s my lucky night.” Ethan picked his cards and his smile faded.
I pushed chips to the centre of the table. “I bet a hundred.”
Nicholas grumbled and tossed his cards aside, folding. He came up with these poker nights, but it was a rarity for him to win. The saying goes “lucky at cards, unlucky at love,” but Nick reversed it to “unlucky at cards, lucky at love,” always blaming his bad luck on Amelia.
Ethan called my bet, and Scorpio did, too. I discarded two cards and sipped on the vodka while dealing more cards to the three of us. I won the first two rounds, and my luck was gone for the rest of the night. Ethan picked up pace, and two hours later he had most of our money in his pocket. Scorpio and I were out a grand, but we wanted to lose more.
Nick decided to play it safe and after losing three hundred, he became our croupier.
“You going to call it or what?” He nudged me.
“Yeah.” I threw the chips in a pile. “I call.”
I pushed my money to the centre of the table, holding a pair of queens. There was no way I could win, but who cared? I hadn’t heard from Nadia since I dropped her off at James’s office, and I was starting to lose it. I should have stayed home instead of meeting Nick at the company to tell him I closed the deal in Madrid.
“Watch and learn.” Ethan smiled, revealing four kings.
Lucky bastard.
At that moment, the front door opened, and the sound of heels reverberated through the house. I knew it was Nadia before she walked into the kitchen, her face determined.
“Hey, sis,” Nick said. “What’s wrong?”
She stopped beside him, tilted her purse upside down and tipped the contents in front of Nick.
“Do you know what this is?” she snapped, her eyes red and puffy.
Nick looked from her to me as if I could shed some light on what the hell was going on. I fucking wished I could.
Too many emotions were visible on his face to guess which one took the stage.
“Tablets …” he said, taken aback by her attitude.
He grabbed the first orange bottle of prescription pills and read the label. And only then did the anxiety take lead. He tossed the bottle aside and grabbed another, then another, his complexion blanching.
“Why do you have so many?”
“I needed them.” Her voice full of sadness and regret. “Guess who called me today.”
I slid out with my chair, ready to grab her, and hide her in my arms. She was close to tears, and I didn’t need her to spell out the name of who called. Her anxiety was enough of a clue.
Ethan and Scorpio glanced between her, Nick, and me. They looked like they wanted to disappear, and I didn’t blame them.
“How could you give him my number!” Nadia exploded. “I asked you not to call him!”
Nick’s shoulders sagged while he gawked at the medication littering the table. “He called me this morning. We talked for a while…”
“What did you talk about? He sure didn’t tell you why we split up. You wouldn’t sit like that if you knew. Did he at least say where he was for the last three months?”
Nick shook his head and looked at me for help. Fucking coward. He knew where Adrian was, but he acted stupid. He wanted to get up, but Nadia pushed him back on the chair, and she grabbed my glass of vodka and drank half in one go.
“He spent three months in rehab,” she said. “Three months to get clean after a friend of his got him hooked on PCP.”
Nick managed to stand, and took Nadia’s hand, pulling her into his arms. I would do the same, but her reaction would be different.
She broke free and stepped away. “Don’t ever tell him how to contact me, Nick. And don’t ever think I’ll take him back. You wouldn't want it for me if you knew …”
“But I don’t know!” Nick lost his temper.
I expected that. It had been five weeks since Nadia returned from New York, and he still had no idea why she was no longer with Adrian. I got up too, but Nadia sent a warning glare in my direction. Instead of embracing her so she would calm down, I re-filled the glass, then rested against the wall.
“Tell me! What did he do? You left him because he was on drugs?”
A nervous chuckle escaped her. “I left him because he deserved it. Because I didn’t deserve what he did and how he behaved. And you …”
She looked at him, and I took a mechanical step toward her. “You should be on my side.”
“I am on your side. Of course, I am; I just thought you could work things out.” He rubbed his face and glanced at the pills again. “I’m sorry. I won’t give him your number again, and I’ll find you a new psychiatrist.”
“I don’t need a new one. I’m doing well with James.”
Nick squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Apparently not. Look at all those pills! It’s fucking ridiculous that you’re on so many!”
“I’m not. Those were prescribed by my psychiatrist in New York, but James sorted through them and only left me with diazepam and sleeping pills for now.”
Nick sighed, not having any of it. “You’re not making progress, Nadia. You need someone better. The way you are; the way you have been since Dad died isn’t normal. You…”
“I’m not normal,” she cut in, hurt in her words.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“That’s what you think!”
“What am I supposed to think?! You don’t tell me anything! And neither does Adrian!”
He pumped his fists and cracked his neck as if to get rid of the tension bubbling inside him, then torment took residence in his expression. It was genuine and fake all at once. He cared about her, and it pained him that she struggled, but right now, he jumped at the opportunity and took advantage of Nadia’s vulnerability.
“You can’t rely on pills for the rest of your life,” he continued in a defeated tone. His shoulders sagged, and tone morphed into plea. “I’ll find you a new psychiatrist. You must get better, sis. I need you to get better. I can’t stand seeing you like this.”
I only saw the profile of Nadia’s face, but it was enough for my stomach to somersault backwards. She was afraid of him; afraid to oppose him; afraid of his screams, orders and disappointment. Her hands trembled as much as her chin, and Nick pressed forward, sensing a good moment to strike harder.
“You need help, Nadia. You can’t do this alone, but
James isn’t the right doctor for you. And since you don’t trust me enough to say what happened, I need to find someone you will trust.” He pulled a stray, beaten-dog face.
Blood boiled in my veins. He was manipulating her—the tone of his voice; the attitude and every word aimed to expose her weaknesses and force her to cooperate against better judgement.
I just fucking hoped he did it unconsciously. Still, it made me sick, because Nadia was too weak to defend herself.
“Stop brainwashing her,” I said.
I couldn’t just watch as he reduced her to an obedient mess.
“Stay out if this,” Nick snapped. “You don’t know the first thing about it.”
Nadia glanced at me, helpless and nervous. She didn’t ask for help, but the plea in her eyes was enough for me to act.
“I know more than you think. The last thing she needs is guilt.” My heart thudded in my chest, when I focused back on Nadia. “You’re doing much better now than you did a month ago.”
She bit her bottom lip, her eyes darting between Nick and me, then she let out a shaky breath. “That’s thanks to you.” Tears filled her eyes, but she clenched her teeth, refusing to cry. “You calm me down. You help more than anything, but you’re not a cure. You’re just a band-aid.”
“That’s a lie.”
We heard from the door. Mel stood there her gaze fixed on Nadia.
“You told me you’re better even when Thomas isn’t around.”
Nadia turned to me, her cheeks a faint shade of pink. “It’s not fair to you. You deserve better than this.”
“Better than you? There is no one better. I don’t deserve you, baby doll, but unless you tell me to go, I won’t budge.”
“I told you to stay away from her,” Nick said with the sort of calmness that precedes fury.
“I’m glad he didn’t listen.” Nadia grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers. “I’m sorry. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.”
I drew her to my side. “The end result remains the same no matter how he would have found out.”
Scorpio grinned in his chair; Mel smiled in the doorway. Ethan looked as if he tried a lemon for the first time, and Nick … Nick changed colour like a kaleidoscope—white, green, red and purple.
