‘Not too rough for you? This path?’
‘I’m fine,’ she said, though her stomach was somersaulting. What would it be like to meet her husband’s lover? Was it crazy to do this or, as she suspected, was it the only way she might eventually accept what had happened?
‘I had the doctor out again, but she refused point blank to see him. I don’t know what’s wrong, but she seems in dreadfully low spirits as well as physically ill. Maybe seeing another woman might help her.’
‘Even me? I expect she hates my very existence.’
‘Zinnia isn’t the hating type.’
She stood still and hesitated for a moment. ‘What type is she?’
Leo sighed. ‘Hard to say. She’s talented and a bit bohemian, but also insecure. She’s made some mistakes in her life but has paid for them too. To be honest, I don’t think she really knows who she is.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well, I’d say, although you are feeling rather at sea just now, you do have a pretty strong sense of who you are, where you came from, where you belong.’
She snorted. ‘You think that?’
‘Yes.’
‘It doesn’t feel like it right now.’
‘Well, Zinnia didn’t have the best of starts.’
‘What happened to her parents? Maybe they could help with Conor.’
‘I’m afraid her father, my uncle, died some years back.’
‘And her mother?’
‘Her mother was a dipsomaniac. Nobody knows what happened to her. Wherever she is, I don’t imagine being a grandmother would be part of her life plan.’
Louisa inhaled slowly and then let her breath out in a rush. She felt suddenly hot but still had to ask. ‘And how did Zinnia become involved with Elliot?’
‘I don’t know much. She kept the truth of it from me when I first suggested she live here. I knew she was pregnant but didn’t know by whom. I gradually discovered it was Elliot and that he was married.’
‘And you didn’t approve?’
‘It wasn’t for me to approve or not. I tried to get her to end it, though.’
‘But she didn’t.’
‘I think she tried to once or twice.’
‘Did she believe Elliot would leave me?’
He looked at her quizzically. ‘Do you think that?’
She swallowed the lump developing in her throat. ‘I found a pretty damning letter from him to her, though he’d never sent it for some reason. And, from what I read, it seemed Zinnia had tried to end it.’
‘Maybe she was trying to force his hand?’
‘You think so?’
‘I don’t know. I do know you are a lot stronger than Zinnia. And, if you don’t mind me saying, I feel you are stronger than Elliot was too.’
‘Really?’
‘And because Zinnia is weaker than he was, I imagine it made Elliot feel more of a man than he really was.’
She sighed. ‘That’s harsh. You think I made him feel less of a man?’
‘I didn’t mean it like that, but haven’t you noticed some men need to surround themselves with weaker people?’
They carried on walking and then, twenty yards from Zinnia’s bungalow, Louisa halted. Apart from the sound of crickets there was an unnatural emptiness about the spot. She felt terribly exposed and for a few minutes she longed to turn back, to quietly rewind her footsteps to a place where she felt safe. Wherever that now was. She glanced up at the lemony sky just showing through the tops of the trees; her thoughts collided and she shrank back.
‘Can you handle this?’ Leo said, clearly sensing her state of mind. ‘You don’t have to do it.’
She was tempted to say, No, I don’t want to go on, but she drew herself up tall instead. ‘I don’t have to – but somehow I know I must.’
Even so a knot of dread tightened her throat. Just the idea of Elliot with Zinnia was appalling, but if she was ever to get over it she had to face this horrible situation head on, and now was as good a time as any. If she didn’t confront the truth, Elliot’s other life would remain shrouded in mystery, just out of sight, his deception constantly haunting her. I don’t want to know, she thought. I don’t want to see. And yet …
Leo led the way past the same heavily overgrown scented plants in pots, and after gently tapping on the door they went in. Louisa gazed around at a room in disarray.
‘This is a bit of a shambles,’ she said.
Various pieces of clothing hung haphazardly over the back of two chairs and lay in an untidy pile on the floor, and everything seemed to be coated in a thin layer of dust.
‘Can’t you get somebody to see to this?’
‘It gets dusty quickly here. I come in once or twice a week and Kamu does what he can, but often as not she locks the door and won’t let us in. Shall we go through? Are you ready?’
He opened another door and poked his head around it. Louisa heard him say he’d brought someone to see her, but all Zinnia said in reply was, ‘No more doctors.’
‘Not a doctor.’
He signalled to Louisa to come through with him and, as she went in, the stale air made her breath catch in her throat. The room was hot and gloomy, with heavy curtains blocking the light. Repulsed by a lingering smell of sour wine, Louisa hesitated, but then stared at Zinnia. As Zinnia stared back, Louisa longed to slip into a corner where she could flee from the woman’s dark eyes, so like Leo’s, but for the fact that these eyes were hollow and circled by purple shadows. Eventually Louisa glanced about the room but she was increasingly assaulted by images of Elliot: Elliot lying naked in bed beside this woman, or standing there by the window smoking a desultory cigarette, his head thrown back, blowing the blue smoke up to the ceiling. She felt herself buckle.
‘Cat got your tongue?’ the woman said.
Louisa saw she was terribly pale, far too thin, and her red hair hung limply about her face. What was it about this woman that had led Elliot to betray her?
‘I’m Louisa Reeve,’ she managed to say, but her voice sounded strangled, paralysed by the heat and anger gripping her throat. And in a flash, more than anything she wanted to hurt the woman who had stolen her husband.
Zinnia shivered and her skin seemed to break out in a sweat. ‘I know who you are. What are you doing here?’
‘Leo is worried about you,’ Louisa replied, her voice still too thin, and she sat down on a chair before her legs gave way.
‘I’m fine,’ Zinnia said.
While Leo spoke to Zinnia, Louisa was vaguely aware of her heart pounding and her palms growing sweaty. In the semi-darkness of the room she tried to shake off the anger. She clenched her fists and dug her nails into her palms and thought back to the catastrophic day she had found out about Zinnia and Conor: the day her world tilted and changed for ever. Overnight she had become a different person. There was a before, there was an after, but nothing in between. She sat hunched in the chair and heard Elliot’s voice. It went on and on. In her mind, she stood up and screamed at the empty space. In her mind, she tore at his face, his hair. You bastard. You utter bastard. But there was no triumph in her anger and the unspoken words fell flat. Elliot wasn’t there. She ran her shaking fingers through her hair and listened to a bird singing outside the window.
Leo twisted round to look at her. ‘You okay, Louisa?’ he said.
She gathered her courage and faced Zinnia. ‘I need to ask if you really intended to end it with Elliot.’
Zinnia rubbed the side of her head around the temple and winced. ‘I did end it.’
‘He didn’t believe you?’
‘I told him it was over. He kept trying to persuade me otherwise. It was wrong. All of it was wrong. Oh God! My head hurts like hell.’
‘Have you taken anything for it?’
‘Of course.’ Zinnia closed her eyes and Louisa took the chance to leave the room.
In the outer living area Louisa began to collect up the clothes and, although she felt a strange kind of pity for Zinnia, her anger
welled up again. After a few minutes, she called to Leo to come out. ‘These need washing,’ she said, lifting a few random items. ‘Do you think your dhobi can do them?’
‘I don’t really use a dhobi. Kamu does my washing, and Zinnia’s when she lets him.’
‘Why don’t you insist?’
‘Believe me, I do.’
‘I’ll arrange for a dhobi to collect all of this. He’ll take it away and bring it back clean. Do you think your houseboy would bring down some rags and cleaning fluid?’
‘Louisa, this really isn’t down to you. I’ll sort it out.’
She turned on him. ‘You’re right. It is not down to me, but I can hardly walk out leaving her like this. So, let’s not discuss it. Just get me some help. She’s clearly not looking after herself, let alone Conor. Someone should take a better look at her. What did the doctor say last time she let him see her?’
‘Pleurisy, maybe. That’s what she thinks.’
‘Worsened by a heavy dose of misery.’
He looked at her intently. ‘I admire you for this, more than you can know, but now I’m afraid I have to get on. The peelers are waiting for me. I’ll have more time this evening, so can get some tidying up done then.’
‘Just go now. And get the houseboy. I don’t want to be on my own here. What’s his name again?’
‘Kamu. He’s Tamil. Came with me from my time on a tea plantation in India.’
‘Very well, I’ll make a start in here.’
Once Kamu had arrived with the necessary items, Louisa and he began. First, they bundled the clothing into a sack and, while he sorted out the kitchen, she wiped away the dust in the sitting area. Then she checked Conor’s room. When that was done, they washed the windows and the floor, leaving the front door open so that everything might dry. Afterwards she sat outside on a log feeling rigid, gulping at air, her heart racing, while Kamu squatted on the ground smoking a cigarette. When her chest felt too tight to breathe, she forced herself to take long slow breaths.
While they waited, she thought about Zinnia with Elliot again. Had she been so much more beautiful than Louisa herself? Or had her talent seduced him? She tried to imagine how Zinnia might have once been, but then a memory of Elliot unfurled, and she gasped at the way his smile used to brighten up a room. And her life. That must have been what attracted Zinnia, that and the way he could gaze into your eyes and make you feel you were the only one who mattered in the whole world.
But what had it been about this woman that meant Elliot had lied to his wife for all those years? That Elliot had been spoilt as a child was clear to her; Irene had brought him up to have such a sense of entitlement. Had it carried on into his adult life? Had he believed that if something caught his eye it was his for the taking? She was aware he had used charm to get what he wanted and she had indulged it, not recognizing there could be such a dark side to it. But that he could deceive her for so long, seemingly with no conscience, was what shocked her most. She felt what? Bitterness, she thought, that’s what.
Whatever it had been about Zinnia, the woman clearly needed to see a doctor now. Louisa wondered about asking her own Dr Russell to come out as soon as possible. She couldn’t begin to imagine what might happen if Zinnia didn’t get the right medical care.
Just as they were getting ready to go back inside, Leo returned.
‘Finished?’
‘We haven’t started on her room or the bathroom. Conor’s room is tidy.’
‘I’ll encourage her to lie on the sofa in the living room. Then we’ll be better able to sort out her bedroom.’
‘Where is Conor?’
‘He’s up at my place now, hoping for a sandwich. Look, maybe this is enough for Zinnia for one day. She tires so easily. While Kamu goes back to see to Conor, let’s you and I go down to the beach. I’m not sure Kamu thinks any of this is part of his job but, as I said, I can come back and finish off this evening.’
‘I can bring one of my lads with me to help get to grips with Zinnia’s room tomorrow. But I don’t have a swimming costume with me.’
‘Never mind that. Wait here and I’ll get some towels. Won’t be long.’
As he and Kamu made their way back up the hill, Louisa watched the darkening purple clouds move over the sky. They were in for another downpour this afternoon for sure. She got up and went inside. Thankfully the room smelt better now and she left a window open to keep it fresh. While she was checking everything, she heard Zinnia call out, ‘Is that you, Leo?’
Louisa opened the bedroom door and saw Zinnia teetering back from what must be the bathroom. The smell was awful.
‘How long have you had diarrhoea and vomiting?’ she asked.
Zinnia didn’t look at her as she struggled back into bed. ‘Are you a nurse now?’
‘You need to see a doctor.’
‘I’ve had it off and on. Sometimes I’m okay.’
‘It doesn’t sound like pleurisy to me. I can ask my family doctor to take a look at you, but someone must air this room.’ As she said the words she was shocked at herself and felt choked. Why care when all she really wanted was to forget Zinnia had ever existed?
Zinnia snorted. ‘What’s it to you?’
Louisa paused to think. ‘Elliot loved you. I loved him. I can’t leave you in need.’
‘Very well.’ Zinnia nodded and sank back against the pillow.
Louisa left the room to go back outside where she saw Leo arriving with a bundle under his right arm.
‘Ready?’ he said, his eyes resting on her.
She felt a sudden sadness grab at her. It was all so awful.
‘Ready?’ he said again.
She tried to shrug off the shock of finally seeing Zinnia and the dreadful reality of her illness and descent into melancholy – her inability to take care of herself proved the latter.
‘Come on,’ he said, ‘you’ll feel better after a swim.’ They began to walk towards the beach. ‘Don’t dwell on Zinnia. We’re doing what we can.’
‘I really hope she’ll see my doctor.’
When they arrived at the wooded shore they had the place to themselves. Louisa wanted to think of happier things and her mood lifted as she thought again about the summer ball.
‘Do you have any formal evening wear?’ she asked, aiming for a light tone of voice.
‘What an odd question.’
‘Well, do you?’
‘It would need dusting off, but yes. Why do you ask?’
‘I wondered if you’d consider accompanying me to the Galle summer ball? It’d mean tidying you up a bit.’
He laughed. ‘Women have tried, and women have failed.’
‘Would you mind?’
He pulled a face. ‘Another difficult question. Now let me consider …’
She laughed and dug him in the ribs. ‘A simple yes will do.’
‘Madam, I would be delighted.’
‘Can you dance?’
‘I have a pretty nifty quickstep, as it happens.’
She smiled. ‘In which case, I can’t wait.’
The beach lay pale and soft with large waves tumbling and foaming on the sand. He peeled off his clothes to reveal swimming trunks beneath, then he ran into the shifting sea. She rolled up her trousers and paddled barefoot, feeling the wet sand between her toes, but after all that had happened, the longing to join him in the water was irresistible.
The metallic-grey sea was heaving so he hadn’t gone far out. Now he came back. ‘Why don’t you just undress beneath a towel? I’ll close my eyes while you slip into the water.’
She gazed at him as she considered his suggestion, then went further up the sand and picked up one of the towels. She kicked at the sand, feeling a little embarrassed, but wanting to go in so much. While he turned his back, she wrapped the towel around her and struggled out of her trousers and shirt. She wondered about wearing just her underwear, but in the end wriggled out of her pants and removed her bra. To hell with it. She hadn’t been swimming naked since the
early days of her marriage to Elliot. This was different. She was thirty-two, for a start, and scarred by life. She felt her heart pounding against her ribs as she ran down to the water’s edge, slipped off the towel and slid into the water. Though wild, the sea was not cold, and suddenly it turned incandescent the way it could before a storm. She didn’t care. It felt like shedding a skin as she swam a little further out and gradually her spirits began to lift. Leo swam away from her and then looked back directly at her. She ignored him and rolled over to lie on her back, then gazed up at the bruised sky. After a few moments, she turned to glance at him and saw he was still watching her.
She beckoned him over as she found her feet.
‘Better not go out any further today,’ he said as he swam across.
She was silent for a moment but her body felt on fire. She glanced at the shoreline where the trees were now bending and twisting as the wind blew them about.
When he reached her he put his hands on her shoulders, his eyes shining. She felt the pressure spreading, so intense that she forgot to worry about what they were doing. The sensation flooded her entire body, wiping thought from her mind and replacing it with feeling. Standing there naked and so close to him, she experienced it as energy coursing through her. The moment went on, then she tilted her head back and gazed up at the darkening sky, her emotions too deep to fathom.
‘Sometimes I feel haunted,’ she said.
‘By Elliot?’
‘Yes.’
‘It’s in your mind. It will fade.’
He touched her left cheek then bent his head towards her. ‘Do you want me to stop?’ he said in a low voice.
She shook her head and smelt the warm saltiness of his skin as he kissed her.
A knot of desire tightened in her throat. She pressed her body against his and felt herself trying to hold back tears. Not tears of sadness. Tears of something like relief, or hope, or something inexpressible, but important, really important. Now in this bubble of peace she felt as if her shredded heart was healing. He hugged her and they stayed buffeted by the wind, standing in the water as if there were only the two of them in the world.
The Sapphire Widow Page 19
