Her eyes bulged. “Are you serious? He asked you out?”
I nodded, trying my best to swallow down a screech. I failed. That was okay because my best friend squealed with me. In the middle of the sidewalk we held hands and jumped up and down screaming with excitement.
Chapter Nine
~ Haikeem ~
Mind, heart, soul, locked in a raging battle.
Thoughts circled as I sat in my bed still wrapped in the towel from my shower twenty minutes ago. Heaviness had settled in my gut nearly twenty-four hours ago and had yet to recede.
My heart, soul, and mind all knew the cause, but that other part of me, deep in the darkest recesses of my spirit, fought. It was winning the war. Slaughtering me from within. The weight of each dead piece weighed me down.
There wasn’t a cure for this, I knew, but treatment was always an option. And I knew just the right type of medicine.
Standing up, I let my towel drop to the floor and went to my closet, naked as the day I was born. One of the many perks of not having a roommate.
Casual was the attire for the party, so I slid on a pair of dark army fatigue shorts. My yellow polo caught my eye, bringing tonight’s companion to mind. I pushed it aside, deciding instead on a dark gray t-shirt.
In the mirror, I messed around with my hair, fixing it just right. Sometimes I thought about cutting it low again, or maybe getting locs.
My phone caught my eye and I picked it up to text Kirby and let her know I was on my way. I paused, fingers hovering over the screen, and something gnawing at the back of my skull.
Don’t do it. Not to her.
I lifted my head, staring at my reflection. It resembled me, but if you looked hard enough, deep into the windows of my soul, the man I used to be banged against the glass, screaming to be set free.
I closed my eyes and forced his voice away. “Shut up,” I whispered to him.
After shooting Kirby a quick text, I grabbed up the jacket that matched my shorts and headed out.
That smile of hers invaded my mind, those eyes, but I couldn’t think about that now. The sooner this night was over, the sooner I could move on to the next.
Why not do that now? he whispered. It doesn’t have to be her. You could choose any other girl, so why this one?
It was a logical question, one I didn’t have the answer to.
At Angelo’s I’d been close to walking away, but something stopped me. A something that I couldn’t put my finger on.
Again, I buried anything but my primary goal. In no time, I was at her friend’s dorm. She hadn’t elaborated on why she’d wanted me to pick her up from here instead of home, but that was neither here nor there.
Outside the room, I raised my fist to knock.
What if she’s a virgin?
My hand came to a screeching halt. Another brick dropped onto the load already weighing me down and I stumbled backwards until my back hit the wall. Closing my eyes, I dragged my palm over my face.
For a good ten minutes I just stood there, locked in place as the battle raged on, waiting for a winner to emerge.
I took a deep breath and pushed away from the wall. As I took my first step to head down the hall, my phone rang. I paused to fish it from my pocket. A heavy sigh was my response to my dad’s number flashing across the screen. Maybe it was wrong to keep dodging my parent’s calls, but the constant questions of my well-being exhausted me.
Before I could silence the ringer, a door clicked open. My gaze lifted in slow motion.
Light glowed around her. If I stared too long I might go blind but looking elsewhere didn’t seem likely. A pressure I couldn’t explain squeezed my heart, but not in a painful way.
“Keem.” A bright smile lit up her face, those eyes right on mine.
I didn’t need to be here. Now or ever. I glanced down at the phone in my hand then looked up to give an excuse of why I had to cancel. My mouth opened, but it formed words I hadn’t given it permission to. “Hey, Sunshine. You look nice.”
A dimple peeked out of her cheek and she pushed a silky curl behind her ear. “Thank you.”
Like mine, her attire was casual. Black shorts that showed off long, smooth, tawny brown legs. Her pretty feet were also exposed in a pair of yellow flip flops with painted yellow toes as a bonus. The top she’d chose was also yellow; a tank top that hugged her small waist and chest.
“Ready?”
She nodded.
As she stepped out, her friend appeared behind her. “Take care of my girl.” Her eyes narrowed at me. “And no funny business.”
I nodded, my gaze gravitating back to Kirby on its own accord.
She glanced back at her friend and waved. The door clicked shut as we made our way down the hall in silence. Her hands were tucked in front of her and mine were in my pockets.
My gaze roamed to her several times on the way to my truck, but I kept coming up short with words to say.
I opened her door and helped her in before hopping in myself. More silence.
Her hands were again tucked in her lap as she fiddled with a beaded bracelet around her wrist.
“So, uh...” I glanced over at her while coming to a stop at a red light. “Is this your first year at RCU?”
Her eyes flickered to me then dropped again. “Yes.”
“Cool. I remember my first year. I was nervous as hell, and shy like you.”
My words made her smile a bit. “What year are you?”
“This is my last, at university anyway. I’m getting my master’s though.”
“What are you majoring in?”
“Engineering. Robotics, specifically.” I turned down the street that would take us to the beach. “You?”
“English. I’m going to be a teacher.”
“Oh yeah?” I smiled. “My mom was a teacher. It’s a cool profession.”
She chewed her lip, gaze lifting to stare out the window. “I guess.”
I kept my gaze on her as long as safety permitted then glanced at the road again. “You don’t seem to happy about it. Is teaching what you want to do?”
Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug. “Saige says it’s a good career for me, teaching Kindergarten. Safe.”
There was more than a hint of sadness to her voice and I’m sure if she faced me tears would brim her eyes.
“Who’s Saige?”
“My older sister,” she spoke barely above a whisper.
“Well, I think you should have the career you want, not the one she thinks is good for you.”
Finally, she looked at me, eyes glistening, and smiled.
The corners of my mouth lifted in response and that pressure came again. Time for a subject change.
During our short convo, I’d noticed something I’d missed before. As little as she spoke, it was easy to. She had an accent. It was slight but came through when she spoke certain words.
“Where are you from?”
“Barbados.”
This time a smile was impossible to contain. “For real?”
She nodded, a smile with the power to light the world, stretched across her face.
I pulled into a spot at the beach and faced her fully. “So, you’re an island girl?”
She hid a giggle behind her hand and nodded again.
That adorable laugh, those eyes, her smile, pushed my primary goal further and further out of mind.
I exited the car, then went around the other side and let her out. I allowed her to walk just ahead of me, using the opportunity to trace the subtle curves of her tight little body from head to toe.
My conscious whispered again for me to just let her go. She was sweet, shy, so damn innocent and didn’t deserve anything I had to offer. And I didn’t deserve to even share the same air as her.
It was my eyes that burned this time as I wished I’d met her long before now. Before I’d become lost on a road on which I couldn’t turn back. There was tonight though. These fleeting moments I’d cherish with her smile, her laugh…those eyes.
For tomorrow wasn’t promised, it wasn’t even an option, not for me.
Falling in step beside her, I circled her waist with my arm. She went stiff for several seconds before finally leaning into me as we made our way toward the sand.
Her eyes were on our feet instead of in front of her. The action reminded me of myself in a way. My middle school and high school years, too shy to look at anything but the ground.
She remained that way until we neared the small crowd. The sun was just starting to set so there weren’t that many people here yet.
Kirby lifted her head slightly, nose crinkled. “Is someone barbecuing?”
“Nah, that’s the bon fire.”
Her head jerked up completely as we stopped about twenty feet from it. She took a step back, and then a couple more, eyes locked on the flames.
“You okay?”
She backed up even more shaking her head. “I-I can’t be here.”
“What’s wrong? What happened?” I followed her steps and reached for her hand.
She scratched away when my fingers grazed hers, and shouted, “I can’t be here!”
“Okay, okay,” I said, throwing up my hands. “I’ll take you home.”
My words didn’t seem to register. She just kept backing up, face wet with tears, breaths coming in fast, heavy bursts.
I tried to wrap my arm around her waist to lead her back to the car, but she twisted out of my hold and took off running down the beach.
“Kirby!”
Curious eyes stared after her, and even more of them stared at me. I was too focused on Kirby and what the hell had just happened to give a damn.
I followed her footsteps in hopes of catching up with her quick before she got too far away or hurt herself somehow.
In the distance, I spotted her on her knees, leaning forward with her hands in the sand. The closer I got the easier it was to make out the hard heave of her back. I thought she was sobbing at first, until I was in ear shot.
Her breaths came out in shallow burst, she wheezed, trying to catch the next.
I dropped to the sand beside her. “Kirby, you gotta breathe before you pass out.”
Her eyes met mine, red, wet, and filled with panic. She sat up, clutching her chest, breaths becoming shallower. She opened her mouth as if to speak but only a wheeze came out.
I reached for her but stopped short. “Can I touch you? To help?”
She nodded, swallowing big gulps of air. Tears continued to rain down her inflamed cheeks, each one hitting me in the heart.
I got behind her and pulled her back against me. Taking her arms, I crossed them over her chest, then wrapped mine around her. I used just enough pressure to be tight, but not cause pain.
“Close your eyes. Focus on something that makes you happy. Now breathe in through your nose and let it out slowly through your mouth.”
She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to follow my instructions.
“Slow. Slow. You gotta do it slow.”
It took several minutes, but finally her breathing slowed to a safer pace. It still wasn’t normal, but she was no longer in jeopardy of losing consciousness.
We stayed that way until the only light was a soft orange glow from further down the beach and the moon. With my forehead resting on her shoulder, I kept my eyes closed, recalling all our interactions up until this point. I wanted to kick myself for not recognizing the signs.
“Keem?” she whispered.
“Yeah?”
“How’d you know to do that?”
I lifted my head to rest my cheek on her shoulder. “Experience.”
Silence surrounded us again, except the muffled music from the party down the beach. In those quiet moments, the war ended. The winner wasn’t smug, he didn’t rub in my face that he’d been right all along. He asked only one thing, and hard as it would be, I’d oblige.
Chapter Ten
~ Kirby ~
His breath was on my neck. Warm and cool at the same time. He held me tight, but all I wanted to do was evaporate into the sand. Him seeing me this way was the worst possible thing. I couldn’t imagine what he must think of me now. Probably that I was a freak, only he was too nice to say it. Unlike the kids at my elementary, middle, and high school.
“Kirby?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
Him rocking with me side to side was the most comforting thing in the world. “Doing better?”
I nodded.
We sat a while longer before he shifted behind me. “I should get you back. I’m sure you want to be with your friend right now, and not some dude you barely know.”
No, I want you. My lips spoke differently. “Okay.”
The drive back to the dorm was much too quick.
Outside Esme’s door, we stopped, and he looked down at me. “You gonna be okay?”
I nodded again, though I wasn’t sure yes was the correct answer. For all I knew he may never want to see me again, and that I wasn’t okay with.
His hand reached out and squeezed mine gently. “Good night.”
Warmth from where he’d touched my skin remained long after he was gone. With a smile on my face, I eased into Esme’s room and leaned against the door.
Her gaze found me, and she frowned, glancing at the clock. “What are you doing back so early?” Her frowned deepened as she stood. “Did something happen? Did he do something?”
I stepped further in and set the purse she’d let me borrow on her desk. “No…I did.” I filled her in on the happenings of the night, from the fire that had triggered my panic attack, to Keem’s soothing voice in my ear as he held me close.
“Aww,” was Esme’s response.
I plopped down beside her with a contented sigh. “I’ve never calmed down that easily before, Es. He knew exactly what to do.” My mind drifted back to the thoughts I’d had at the beach, and then again while driving back here, things I couldn’t help but wonder.
Es rubbed my shoulder then nudged me gently. “What’s wrong?”
My gaze remained on my hands and I fiddled with my friendship bracelet Es and I had made so many years ago. “What if he looks at me differently now?”
“Kirb, you can’t think that way. You said yourself that he took care of you. If he didn’t look at you differently tonight, why would that change tomorrow?”
“Maybe he was just being nice.”
“Or, Negative Nancy, maybe he genuinely cared about your well-being because he likes you. I know things haven’t always been that great with people in the past,” she took my hand in hers, “but despite the assholes at our school, there are good people in the world. Maybe Haikeem is one of them.”
“You think so?”
She smiled big and pulled me into a sideways hug. “I do.”
~ ♥ ~
He was a jerk.
A week had passed since my date gone wrong and I hadn’t heard a peep from Haikeem. Not even when I’d texted him the following morning. It was too good to be true and I’d known it, or I should’ve. All I ever was to people was a freak, or when it came to my sisters, a burden. I had only one person in my life who genuinely wanted to be there, Esme. She thought he was a jerk too. Offered to kick his butt. Were I not so against violence, I’d have agreed.
Of all my years of crying, you’d think my tear ducts would’ve dried up by now. But here I sat, gazing out of my treehouse window. It was dumb for me to think Keem could ever like me, that anyone ever could.
My mother used to say I was special, that people like me were a gift to the world. What she forgot to mention was I was the kind people returned.
Esme’s ringtone filled the treehouse, but I made no move to answer her call. Next a text message came through. That I did check. Though I didn’t know why, I could never resist reading a message, either phone or social media. Unread messages drove me crazy.
Esme: boys aren’t worth crying over
I sat the phone back down and sighed, scrubbing my tears away. It wasn’t just about Keem, or any o
ther boy. This just further solidified my place in the world, unwanted, unneeded, misunderstood.
In high school, for a short while I’d wanted to join the dance team. I’d never danced before, never tried, but it always looked like they were having so much fun. This was back before my anxiety had become so severe. Things hadn’t always been this bad. The main thing, that had always been there, but in my younger years, I’d been at least a little more outgoing. I’d wanted to do things, wanted to participate. But people, they changed that.
When the dance captain, Naomi, got word that I was going to try out, she cornered me in the hall with a couple of other members of the team. It was no secret which students attended class in the wing for special education, but up until that point I hadn’t had much interaction with the ‘regular’ kids. Naomi had told me that retards weren’t allowed on the team. It wasn’t that I hadn’t heard that word before, but this was the first time I’d been called it.
I’d gone home in tears and after an hour of questioning, Raina had finally gotten the truth out of me. She’d gone to the principal which had gotten Naomi suspended.
Problem solved, right?
Wrong.
When Naomi returned, it was with a vengeance. After that, her daily goal was to torment me in some type of way. After that I was also too terrified to ever tell again, it would only get worse each time, so I kept it to myself. It wasn’t until another girl from the team witnessed Naomi’s cruelty that anyone did something about it.
That girl was Esme. She confronted Naomi and ended up quitting the dance team. We’ve been inseparable ever since. Esme became my protector. Though I’d accumulated quite a few bullies due to Naomi putting a target on my back, most knew not to even glance my way when Es was around. Esme wasn’t big, but she was tough, not intimidated easily, nor afraid to fight if need be.
I hated fighting, any type of violence really, so if asked, Esme wouldn’t engage on my behalf. That was until the day Naomi went too far.
None of that mattered now though. We weren’t in high school anymore, and as much as I knew she wanted to, Es couldn’t protect me from the world, no one could. Maybe I’d fooled myself thinking I’d ever be a functioning member of society. Maybe Raina was right. Even without the Haikeem situation, what had happened at the beach was always and eventuality. There was only a matter of time before something else triggered me. How could I get a job? How could I teach? Get married? Have kids? It was hard enough ordering a simple dish at a restaurant or paying for something at a store.
Somebody to Love Page 5
