by J. D. Dobson
SCANDAL!
In the election of 1824, none of the candidates for president won a majority of electoral votes, so the decision was kicked to the House of Representatives. That is the system our Founding Fathers put in place so they could mess with us.
Andrew Jackson thought he had it in the bag, possibly because he didn’t know how to count, and he was furious when he lost to John Quincy Adams. He accused Adams of striking a “corrupt bargain” with influential congressman Henry Clay, in which Clay traded his support to Adams in exchange for the position of secretary of state. But if there’s one thing Andrew Jackson is good at (other than styling his hair), it’s plotting revenge. He and his supporters spent the next four years trashing Adams’s reputation and blocking him in Congress so effectively that his presidency was pretty much a failure.
So now you know the story of the election of 1824! And you shall carry a terrible curse until you tell someone else the story of the election of 1824. (Sorry, we probably should have mentioned that earlier!)
Pop QUIZ
Did you know John Quincy Adams spoke six languages? See if you can identify all of them!
English
French
Dutch
Latin
German
Greek
Mandarin
Swahili
C++
Naʼvi
Expressive glares
Whatever it is that whales speak
Favorite Pickup Line
“I need to get my library card, because I’m checking you out!”
(Said while speaking to a book)
Vital Stats
Looks: 4
We know Adams looks evil, but he really isn’t evil. He’s just kind of a crappy boyfriend.
Physique: 8
Adams likes to suffer, so he loves exercising. He would start each day with a refreshing swim in the Potomac River, nude. It was a simpler time then, when if you saw a naked body in the Potomac, you would just think, “Hey, there’s the president!”
Charisma: 3
Adams described himself as “a man of reserved, cold, austere, and forbidding manners.” And this was in his diary, which is where most of us go to lie about ourselves.
Diplomacy: 10
Some people think John Quincy Adams is the greatest diplomat in American history. Others will never forgive him for negotiating an end to the War of 1812 without demanding that Britain give us Canada as a pet.
CANADA, OUR ANCIENT ENEMY
Like a sprawling barbarian horde, Canadians have for centuries peered jealously across the border at their civilized neighbor to the south, waiting for an opportunity to catch us off guard. And it takes a steel-willed president to keep these icy foes at bay. How have the U.S. presidents fared in this, their most solemn and sacred responsibility? Overall, pretty poorly.
Sometimes, you want a strong man who will protect you and keep you safe, from Canada.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
In 1775, the Continental army invaded Canada in the hopes of convincing Québec to join the colonies in their rebellion against Britain. While persuading a bunch of French Canadians to become Americans sounds like a can’t-miss plan, amazingly, it didn’t pan out. Washington was commander of the Continental army rather than president at the time, but we’re still going to ding him for this one.
“No no, we insist, you climb up first. We’re going to watch so we can warn you if the ladder starts to look unstable.”
JAMES MADISON
Madison knew that the only languages Canadians understand are English, French … and force. When the British Empire kept making Americans join the British navy, Madison responded by trying to make Canada join America. U.S. forces invaded Canada at several points along the border, and even managed to capture parts of Ontario. (Which would feel like a more significant accomplishment if we knew what an Ontario is.)
MARTIN VAN BUREN
In 1837, a group of patriotic Canadians and Americans who shared the simple dream of overthrowing the Canadian government were attacked in U.S. waters on their ship Caroline, which was then set on fire and sent over Niagara Falls. Even though sending a flaming warship over Niagara Falls is awesome, Martin Van Buren knew he needed to respond, and that his response needed to be stronger than simply saying, “Guys that was awesome.” We think a massive invasion of Canada would have been appropriate, but instead he got an apology, which is better than nothing.
If you’re a maritime firefighter, here’s a tip: You can put out a burning ship by sailing it over Niagara Falls.
JAMES K. POLK
Dreamboat James K. Polk won the presidency, at least in part, by promising to annex the Pacific Northwest all the way up to Alaska. But once in the White House, he settled for the current border, because he was afraid of going to war with Canada and Mexico simultaneously. That, right there, should have disqualified him from the presidency. Part of the presidential oath of office should be, “I hope I get to go to war with Canada and Mexico simultaneously.”
ANDREW JOHNSON
In 1866, a group of more than 1,000 Irish-American Civil War veterans invaded Canada from Buffalo as part of a convoluted scheme to force the British Empire to grant Ireland independence. They won their first couple of battles against the Canadian militia, but then President Johnson—who was always looking for new ways to fail—ordered the U.S. Army to stop them. When you hear people say it’s a tragedy that Lincoln didn’t get to finish his second term, this is probably what they’re talking about.
CALVIN COOLIDGE
While Calvin Coolidge was commander-in-chief, the U.S. military created “War Plan Red,” a strategy for war with Britain that consisted primarily of a massive invasion and occupation of Canada. Under War Plan Red, U.S. forces would invade “Crimson” (Canada’s code name) from North Dakota, the Midwest, the Great Lakes, and Vermont. So the next time you lose a bet and have to go to Canada, when the customs officer asks for the purpose of your visit, try telling them “War Plan Red.” This might trigger “Defense Scheme No. 1,” Canada’s war plan for a counter-invasion of the U.S. That plan involves crossing the border and capturing Albany, and we’re OK with that.
HERBERT HOOVER
Hoover might not have known how to reverse an economic collapse, but he sure knew how to stick it to Canada. He signed the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act, which radically increased tariffs on imports and disproportionately impacted America’s largest trading “partner”: Canada. Many economists, then and now, think that these tariffs deepened and lengthened the Great Depression. But we say that Hoover needed to put a stop to all those cheap imports of maple syrup, hockey sticks, and blocks of ice.
HARRY S. TRUMAN
In 1948, Newfoundland held a referendum on whether to remain a British territory, gain independence, or join Canada. Harry S. Truman, probably because he was too busy waving that “Dewey Defeats Truman” newspaper around, failed to press for a fourth option to be included on the ballot, “Join the winning team: America!” And that’s why everyone in Newfoundland is so sad all the time, even to this day.
RICHARD NIXON
Finally, a president who knows how to stand up to those bullies in Ottawa. In a speech to the Canadian Parliament in 1972, Nixon essentially broke up with Canada, saying, “It is time for us to recognize that we have very separate identities,” “we have significant differences,” and “I’ve met someone else.” (He didn’t say that last part, except maybe to himself, under his breath.) Richard Nixon didn’t become president to make friends, folks. He did it to make enemies.
ANDREW JACKSON
1829–1837 | Democrat
Are you ready for the most intense, romantic, and terrifying relationship you’ve ever had? Because we’ll be honest—you don’t look ready.
The main thing you need to know about dating Andrew Jackson is that you can never, ever break up with him. South Carolina tried breaking up with him once, and that’s why to this day South Carolina is a smoking wasteland incapable
of supporting human life. Jackson’s troops also tried breaking up with him, and he stopped them by holding them at gunpoint. (There was some dispute over whether they were deserting, or their enlistments were just up. As it turns out, when Andrew Jackson is your commanding officer, your enlistment is never up. You are bound into service for life, just like when you join the Girl Scouts.)
Clearly this is a man who does not deal with abandonment well. Some historians argue that’s because his entire family abandoned him (by dying) when he was pretty young—but shouldn’t that make him really good at dealing with abandonment?
Anyway—if you can get past what is obviously a huge red flag, then you and Andrew Jackson will probably be very happy together. He has the elegant manners of a wealthy gentleman, the sex appeal of a dangerous bad boy, and the hair of a character from Fraggle Rock. Plus he’s a national celebrity and a champion of the common man! (But only the common men who are white and who have not offended him somehow. Which narrows down the list considerably.)
IT’S HARD TO RESIST A MAN IN UNIFORM. YOU JUST WANT TO REACH OUT AND UNBUTTON ONE OF THOSE LITTLE BRASS BUTTONS. THEN ANOTHER, THEN ANOTHER, THEN ANOTHER, THEN ANOTHER, THEN … WELL, YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE HERE FOR A WHILE. (JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HIS PANTS!)
Why You’ll Love Him
He invades Florida whenever he feels like it. Andrew Jackson isn’t the kind of guy who waits for official orders before invading Florida. He invades Florida whenever he decides that Florida needs invading. Which is surprisingly often! Or maybe not that surprising, if you’ve ever been to Florida.
He doesn’t care if you’re married. If you’ve made the mistake of marrying someone other than Andrew Jackson, you might think that there is no hope for romance between you and Andrew Jackson. But that could not possibly be further from the truth. Jackson married Rachel Donelson Robards even though she was sort of already married, and it was no big deal. Well, it was kind of a big deal to her first husband. But not to Andrew Jackson.
He’ll defend your honor. Jackson will gladly kill anyone who gives you the side-eye. He’ll also kill anyone who gives the side-eye to the person who gave you the side-eye. Uh oh, now he’s just getting confused!
He is in possession of a large amount of cheese. If you like cheese, then you’re in luck, because cheese is widely available at grocery stores everywhere. But if you like cheese and you’re dating Andrew Jackson, then you’re really in luck, because Jackson has a 1,400-pound wheel of cheese that he received as a gift from a (presumably well intentioned) dairy farmer. A lesser man might hoard all of that cheese for himself, but Jackson will happily share it with you. He’s actually trying to get rid of it anyway, because the stench is overpowering. Bottoms up!*
This is what people often say before drinking a mug of cheese.*
Pop QUIZ
Test your knowledge of Andrew Jackson by seeing if you can identify whom he killed versus whom he only threatened to kill.
Killed Threatened to Kill
The Governor of Tennessee
Beloved statesman Henry Clay
His own vice president
Famous marksman Charles Dickinson
Everyone in South Carolina
About 4,000 Cherokees
The National Bank
Soldier who refused to clean up after breakfast
See here for answers!
Pop QUIZ
ANSWER KEY
The Governor of Tennessee: Threatened to kill.
Jackson was supposed to duel Tennessee governor John Sevier, but Sevier’s horse ran away with all of his weapons, so instead Jackson just chased him around the woods for a while.
Henry Clay: Threatened to kill.
Upon leaving the White House, Jackson said he had only two regrets. One was that he never shot Henry Clay.
His own vice president: Threatened to kill.
The other was that he didn’t hang John C. Calhoun.
Charles Dickinson: Killed.
Jackson was in a LOT of duels, but only one duel ended with him killing a man, and that man was Charles Dickinson. When you look at it that way, Jackson actually showed a lot of restraint! And yet, when people talk about him, the word “restraint” never comes up.
Everyone in South Carolina: Threatened to kill.
As president, Jackson got into a showdown with South Carolina when they announced they were going to ignore any federal laws they didn’t like. (Specifically, the law that required them to pay tariffs.) Jackson was ready to march an army into the rebellious state, but then South Carolina backed down, and he was probably secretly disappointed.
About 4,000 Cherokees: Killed.
Also as president, Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act, which forced Native American tribes to hand over their ancestral homelands in exchange for a forced death march. A lot of people died along the way (hence the term “death march”), but it was especially hard on the Cherokee tribe, about a fourth of whom perished. And then the ones who survived had to live in Oklahoma.
The National Bank: Killed.
Jackson told Martin Van Buren, “The bank, Mr. Van Buren, is trying to kill me, but I will kill it.” And he did kill the bank, in defiance of both Congress and most of his cabinet, by withdrawing all of the government’s money. It was only later that he learned the bank was never actually trying to kill him, because it was a bank.
Soldier who refused to clean up after breakfast: Killed.
A teenage soldier under Jackson’s command got into trouble when he refused to pick up the bones that some other soldiers had thrown on the ground during breakfast. (We don’t know what they had been eating for breakfast, and we don’t want to know.) The young soldier resisted arrest, so he was charged with mutiny and executed. This came back to haunt Andrew Jackson when his political opponents used it against him during his presidential campaign. Hopefully it also came back to haunt Andrew Jackson in the form of some sort of ghost.
How to Win His Heart
Be in danger. Andrew Jackson wants to be the knight in shining armor who rescues you from danger. In fact, he insists on it. So if you’re not currently in danger, you’ll need to manufacture some kind of danger. Maybe the danger could involve quicksand, like if you accidentally ate a bunch of quicksand.
Be attractive. Andrew Jackson prefers to be surrounded by good-looking people, and he will be more inclined to rescue you if you’re naturally beautiful. Incidentally, this is also true of EMTs.
Be loyal. After Andrew Jackson saves your life, he’ll expect you to be loyal to him forever. (This is true of EMTs, too!)
Vital Stats
Looks: 7
If you saw Andrew Jackson on the street, you probably wouldn’t describe him as “handsome.” “Striking” seems more appropriate, especially since he might literally be striking someone at the time.
Physique: 6
Jackson’s body is long, lean, and contains more than the average number of bullets. (The average number is zero.)
Charisma: 10
Obviously Andrew Jackson is dripping with charisma. Otherwise there would be very little to recommend him as a human being.
Getting assassinated: 0
A mentally ill man tried to shoot Andrew Jackson in the back, but his gun misfired. So he pulled out another gun, and that gun misfired. And then Andrew Jackson started violently beating the guy with his walking cane. Later it was determined that it was a 1 in 125,000 chance that both guns would misfire that day. (It was probably a 1 in 3 chance that Andrew Jackson would beat someone with a cane that day.)
Sort-of Fun Facts
Jackson defeated the British at the Battle of New Orleans and instantly became a national hero. Apparently no one cared that (1) the War of 1812 was already over, (2) he declared martial law in New Orleans and refused to lift it even after the British had left, (3) he imprisoned a state senator who said that martial law should be lifted, and (4) he imprisoned a judge who said he couldn’t imprison a state senator. We’ll stop the list there,
but you get the idea: Jackson is an amazing hero of democracy who should definitely be on the twenty-dollar bill.
He is nicknamed “Old Hickory” for being as tough as an old hickory tree. But let’s be honest—trees aren’t all that tough. Have you ever tried to fight a tree? It’s really easy!
Jackson was born in a log cabin, starting a trend among presidents that has proven almost as popular as the trend of being born extremely rich.
Jackson started a gunfight in the streets of downtown Nashville. OK, technically the other guy was the first to pull out a gun. All because Andrew Jackson was chasing him with a whip. Come on—if you don’t want to be chased with a whip, then you have no business going to Nashville.
MARTIN VAN BUREN
1837–1841 | Democrat
Let’s face it: You’re not getting any younger. So are you finally ready to settle? Perhaps with a man who’s just OK? What if we told you that the term “OK” was literally invented to describe one specific man? Getting interested? No? Well, then you’re in the perfect frame of mind to learn about Martin Van Buren.
Van Buren is a schemy politician and Andrew Jackson protégé who basically invented the “political machine” system that greased the wheels of American politics for decades. He’s the kind of guy who isn’t going to judge you for anything, no matter how sketchy, and who would probably be willing to get you a job as a postmaster, if you’re into that kind of thing.
If the prospect of a nice, plum job at the post office isn’t enough to catch your eye, Van Buren is also (sort of) the origin of the word “OK.” He hailed from Kinderhook, New York, and sometimes went by “Old Kinderhook,” because back then, people liked their presidents good and old, like a nicely aged giant wheel of cheese. Van Buren’s campaign decided to use “Vote for OK” instead of “Vote for Martin Van Buren” as their slogan, because they were lazy. Their Whig opponents countered with “Haha, ‘OK’ stands for ‘Oll Korrect’ because Van Buren doesn’t know how to spell ‘All Correct’ because he is stupid.”
