by J. D. Dobson
MILLARD FILLMORE
1850–1853 | Whig
After spending some time with Zachary Taylor, you’re probably excited to meet a guy who knows how to read.* Introducing Millard Fillmore.
Even though Millard Fillmore was Zachary Taylor’s vice president, the two men didn’t meet until after they’d won the election. And they discovered pretty quickly that they didn’t have much in common. For example, Millard Fillmore was a polished and dignified intellectual, and Zachary Taylor looked like he found his clothes in an abandoned train car.
Now, the hot-button issue at the time was slavery. Congress was debating whether or not to pass the Compromise of 1850, which was supposed to defuse tension between free and slave states by giving both sides a little bit of what they wanted. For example, free states would get to admit California into the Union, and slave states would get to arrest anyone accused of being a runaway slave and conscript them into slavery. So … win-win, right?
President Taylor did not weigh in on the debate, because he was too busy drinking a glass of milk he’d found in the trash. After Taylor died of cholera, Fillmore became president and pushed Congress to pass the Compromise of 1850. And, as with all compromises, it blew up in his face and destroyed his entire political party. (Which was just the Whigs, so no big deal!)
Still, it’s hard to blame Fillmore, because a lot of people are under the mistaken impression that compromises are a good way to solve problems. But take our word for it: Compromises are terrible. It is so, so much better to just vanquish your enemies.
*Just kidding! Zachary Taylor did know how to read. He did not know how to write.
Did you know that Millard Fillmore was the first president to have a bathtub in the White House? No? Well good, because it isn’t true. It’s just a story that was invented by journalist H.L. Mencken, because he wanted something fun to write about during WWI. And there’s nothing like an anecdote about bathtubs to raise the troops’ spirits!
Millard Fillmore is the only Whig president who didn’t either die in office or get kicked out of the party. Some say that the Whig party is cursed, but we won’t know for sure until the results come back from the lab.
How to Win His Heart
Be his teacher. Millard Fillmore married his high school teacher, so this is a tried-and-true way to win his heart. Even if you’re not a teacher by trade, there’s probably still a lot you could teach to Millard Fillmore. Like how to use a microwave.
Enjoy long walks. A lot of people say they enjoy long walks when they’re creating a profile on a presidents-only dating website. But Millard Fillmore really means it! One time he walked 150 miles to Buffalo, New York, for what we can safely assume was the most disappointing vacation ever.
Don’t join the Freemasons. Millard Fillmore got his start in politics by working for the Anti-Masonic Party. So if you want a future with him, you will have to resist that secret society’s ancient and seductive call.
Why You’ll Love Him
He doesn’t smoke, drink, or gamble. Which means more cigars, liquor, and gambling money for you!
He lacks emotion. This is also good. More emotions for you!
He loves learning. When he was apprenticing as a clothmaker, Fillmore kept a dictionary handy and memorized the definitions of words in between doing whatever it is clothmakers do. (Probably something involving cloth!)
Vital Stats
Looks: 5
No biography of Millard Fillmore would be complete without mentioning that he looks exactly like Alec Baldwin. We’re talking to you, biographer Paul Finkelman!
Physique: 7
One account described Fillmore as having the “chest of a woodsman.” We’re not sure whether this means a heavily muscled chest or a chest full of axes. Either way, it’s something we’d like to see.
Charisma: 2
Millard Fillmore has the charisma of a sexy robot, like Data from Star Trek, or Wall-E.
Enthusiasm for milk: 10
If you offer to buy Millard Fillmore a drink, he’ll probably order a glass of milk. Just tell him, “Sure, coming right up!” and then climb out the fire escape.
FRANKLIN PIERCE
1853–1857 | Democrat
Hello, who is this handsome hunk of president? We’ll give you a hint: His name is at the top of the page in large letters.
Franklin Pierce is nicknamed “Handsome Frank” because … actually, you can probably figure it out. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that Pierce is more than just a handsome face. He also has great hair! It’s black and curly and combed at an angle so rakish that you could literally comb your own hair with a rake and it would not be this rakish. Combine that with his deep voice and natural charm, and you’ve got one of the most attractive men to ever be a terrible president.
Pierce’s worst move was signing the Kansas-Nebraska Act, which allowed the residents of new territories to vote on whether or not to allow slavery. We know, we know—it sounds like an amazing idea! But in practice, it resulted in pro- and anti-slavery groups moving to Kansas and shooting each other. After Pierce’s first term, he was not nominated for a second. In fact, his own party’s slogan was “Anybody but Pierce.” And that is how they ended up with James Buchanan.
So Pierce wasn’t very good at being president. But in his defense, that’s only an important quality to have if you happen to be president. And besides that one flaw, he is pretty much perfect: handsome, charming, outdoorsy, and a notorious alcoholic. (So yeah, you’ll have to keep an eye on that last one.)
Would your significant other find it strange if you insisted on calling him “President Pierce” in bed? We guess you’re going to find out!
How to Win His Heart
Be shy, sickly, and kind of a downer. This is how historians describe Pierce’s wife, Jane, so you’re going to have to be even more shy, sickly and down if you want to steal him away from her.
Be a teetotaler. Jane didn’t like it when her husband drank and required that his wine glass be placed upside-down at White House dinners, which made it harder to pour him a glass of wine, but still not impossible.
Why You’ll Love Him
He was fun. Drinking! Wrestling! Fishing! Well, maybe not fishing.
He has a knack for remembering people’s names. Finally, a boyfriend who won’t make you wear a nametag.
He tried to annex Cuba. Pierce doesn’t get enough credit for trying to sneakily annex Cuba. Just think: If he had been successful, you might be living in Cuba right now, sitting on the beach and smoking a cigar with your dad, Fidel Castro.
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
If you think it’s a coincidence that Franklin Pierce and Franklin Pierce’s horse have the same hairstyle, then you don’t know Franklin Pierce.
Pierce is considered one of the worst presidents in American history, basically because he didn’t prevent the Civil War. But you know who else didn’t prevent the Civil War? EVERYONE. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, your dad, etc.
FAMOUS FRIENDS
Franklin Pierce was close friends with renowned writer Nathaniel Hawthorne! And Nathaniel Hawthorne had a famous friend, too—President Franklin Pierce!
Vital Stats
Charisma: 8
Pierce has a deep voice and so much natural charm that he could talk down an angry mob. And one time he did talk down an angry mob. But that’s a story for another book. You have to write it though! We’re sick of writing books.
Looks: 10
We think we have adequately covered this.
Physique: 7
Pierce gets a 10 for his broad shoulders and slim waist, but a 0 for taking care of his liver. (That averages out to a 7.)
Wrestling: 8
If you wrestle with Franklin Pierce you will probably lose, but you will still come away feeling like you’ve won.
FAVORITE PRESIDENTIAL RECIPES
Gin, Neat
Richard Nixon
Pour 8 ounces of gin into a coffee mug, no mixer. Drink. Wander the
halls of the White House cursing at the portraits of your predecessors while Henry Kissinger nods and takes notes.
Lincoln Logs
Abraham Lincoln
Add 4 cups water, a pinch of cumin, and a bay leaf to a pressure cooker. Bring to a boil, then add the contents of a box of Lincoln Logs. Cook until wood is soft. This meal is a great way to stay lean, like Abraham Lincoln.
Glass of Milk
Zachary Taylor
Let some milk sit out for a few days during a muggy, Washington, D.C., summer. Then take a sip and see what happens! Remember: Any glass of milk that doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.
Mug of Beer
John Adams
Take mug of beer and toss it out the window. Pour yourself a nice civilized mug of cider.
’Possom and Taters
William Taft
Acquire a Georgia opossum weighing at least 25 pounds. Clean by soaking in a vat of hot lye water (taking care not to drink the vat of lye water and be poisoned). Rinse thoroughly, then roast at 350°F until tender, periodically basting the opossum in its own delicious opossum juices. Cook the potatoes somehow (you can figure this out!) and arrange on platter. Serve for Thanksgiving to horrified family members, explaining that opossum is William Taft’s favorite food. You might also have to explain who William Taft is.
Raw Bear Liver
Theodore Roosevelt
Enter the woods and kill a wolf. Gut the wolf and drape its viscera around your shoulders. Wait for the scent to attract a bear. Kill bear. Remove bear’s liver. Salt and pepper to taste.
Birthday Cake
John F. Kennedy
Tell your staff you’d like a birthday cake. When they bring it in, check to see if Marilyn Monroe is hiding inside. If she isn’t inside, request a different cake.
Cold, Wet K-rations
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Dig a trench in your yard. Sit in trench until it rains. Open one can of K-rations, wait for rain to moisten, then eat with the tip of a knife, all while cursing the futility of war.
What Someone Else Is Eating
Lyndon B. Johnson
If you see something that looks good on the plate of the person sitting next to you, just start eating off their plate. There: Now you’re the president of dinner.
Scrambled Eggs, No Polk
James K. Polk
Combine 8 eggs, ½ cup of milk, and a dash of salt. Beat vigorously. Melt 2 tablespoons butter in a frying pan, add egg mixture, and scramble. Do NOT invite James Polk to enjoy them with you because then they are just regular scrambled eggs.
Jelly Bean Surprise
Ronald Reagan
Pour jelly beans into a bowl.
Boiled Peanuts
Jimmy Carter
As winter’s grip loosens and the land warms, sow peanuts across the modest breadth of your land, working from sunup ‘til sundown, falling into bed each night exhausted but content. In the fall, harvest the peanuts, boil, and salt them. Don’t eat them, though, because you’re not some sort of hedonist. Just live with the knowledge that you have lust in your heart, for boiled peanuts.
Pretzels
George W. Bush
Open a bag of pretzels. Put one in your mouth, chew for 30 seconds, then chew for another 30 seconds, then swallow. Let out a sigh of relief. Repeat.
Hamburger, Well-Done
Bill Clinton
Have the Secret Service take you to McDonald’s to get a hamburger. Tell the cashier you’d like it “well-done.” He’ll know what you mean!
JAMES BUCHANAN
1857–1861 | Democrat
You can feel his eyes on you from across the room. When you finally brave a glance in his direction, you confirm it—he is definitely staring at you. With his head cocked to one side, he swirls his glass of cognac. Your eyes meet, and he winks.
Well, technically, it’s not a wink—he’s just got this weird thing where he’s nearsighted in one eye and farsighted in the other, so he has to close one eye to see across the room. Still, you feel your face flush, as if your body can’t help but react to him. You turn away, but out of the corner of your eye, you see him moving toward you—with short, quick steps on his abnormally small feet. He navigates through the crowd until he’s so close that you feel the heat radiating off of his large frame. You take a deep breath and turn to face him, craning your neck to meet his gaze.
“Hello,” he says. His voice is higher than you were expecting, and nasally (in a sexy way). “My name is James Buchanan.” He holds out two fingers, presumably offering you some kind of miniature handshake.
“I know who you are,” you gasp, suddenly feeling out of breath. His head is tilted to one side again, and he’s gazing at you as if you are the most interesting person in the world. (You’re not. It’s just his weird eye thing!)
That’s when he leans in close, so close that you can smell the brandy on his breath. “Hey,” he whispers, his lips brushing against your ear. “I’m sorry about that whole thing with the Civil War.”
That’s always the part where you wake up, sweaty and tangled in your sheets. Why does this keep happening to you? Why must President James Buchanan come to you every night in your dreams? It’s almost as if your subconscious is trying to tell you something. You turn on your lamp and stare at the portrait of Buchanan that’s hanging next to your bed. Is it possible that, without even realizing it, you’ve developed feelings for the 15th president?
Let’s Talk About Clothes
Instead of wearing a tie, Buchanan wears a CRAVAT, which is what it’s called when you stuff a piece of fabric down the front of your shirt. Not only does this look good, it’s also a great way to steal fabric!
Why You’ll Love Him
He’s single. Maybe we should have mentioned this earlier, but most of these guys are married. Sorry!
He likes to party. He was even expelled from Dickinson College for drunken carousing. Later he defended himself by explaining that he only did it so that he would be popular.
He might be celibate. How important is sex to you in a relationship? If you’re not sure, then dating James Buchanan is a good way to find out.
He can hold his drink. Are you sick of men dropping their drinks on you? That won’t happen with James Buchanan! Not only does he know how to hold a drink, he is also capable of drinking large quantities of alcohol without it having any apparent effect on him. Except, you know, gout.
He’s into guys. If you are male and have been feeling sad because none of these presidents are attracted to you sexually, then we (might) have good news!
ARE YOU A “BUCHANEER”? THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO IS REALLY INTO JAMES BUCHANAN. LIKE WILLIAM RUFUS KING, FOR EXAMPLE.
Sort-of Fun Facts
Before getting into politics, James Buchanan made a small fortune as a successful lawyer. If you think you can’t get rich by becoming a lawyer, you are mistaken!
Buchanan spent four decades in politics, serving in both houses of Congress and as Polk’s secretary of state. Andrew Jackson appointed him minister to Russia, saying, “It was as far as I could send him out of my sight … I would have sent him to the North Pole if we had kept a minister there.” Ahh—never change, Andrew Jackson!
Was James Buchanan the boyfriend of Vice President William Rufus King? Historians say: Maybe! They did live together for ten years, and Andrew Jackson referred to them as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy,” if that counts as evidence of anything besides Andrew Jackson’s being a jerk.
If you ask James Buchanan who caused the Civil War, he’ll say it was those lousy abolitionists. You shouldn’t feel like you need to ask him though.
Timeline: Let’s Get Ready to Have a Civil War
A lot of people give James Buchanan a hard time because the Civil War basically started on his watch. And now it’s our turn to give him a hard time!
MARCH 4, 1857
James Buchanan is inaugurated. So far, so good!
MARCH 6, 1857
&nb
sp; In the Dred Scott decision, the Supreme Court rules that the federal government cannot ban slavery from new states or territories. Buchanan is relieved to finally have this settled. He figures that now everyone will finally stop arguing about slavery. And who knows, maybe they will! We’ll just have to wait and find out.
DECEMBER 9, 1857
Buchanan tries to get Congress to accept a pro-slavery constitution for Kansas called the Lecompton Constitution. The anti-slavery half of his party is like, “That’s it, we’re done with this guy.”
FEBRUARY 6, 1858
While debating the Lecompton Constitution, a violent brawl breaks out in the House of Representatives. It’s almost as if this is foreshadowing something … but what?
NOVEMBER 6, 1860
Abraham Lincoln wins the presidential election. But don’t be sad, we still have four more months to enjoy the presidential antics of James Buchanan.
DECEMBER 20, 1860
South Carolina secedes from the Union. Buchanan says that it is illegal for states to secede, but that it is also illegal to stop states from seceding. If only there were some way to change the laws!
JANUARY 9, 1861
Mississippi secedes from the Union. Also, troops in South Carolina fire on a federal ship. So … is James Buchanan sure he doesn’t want to do anything about this? Maybe we should check with him again.
