by J. D. Dobson
FDR or TRUMP?
FDR and Donald Trump are a lot alike. They’re both rich heirs, they’re both from New York, and they both became president of the United States. How will you ever tell them apart? Here are a few simple questions you can ask to figure out if you’re talking to FDR or Trump.
“What do you think about vaccines?”
Even though he’s irrepressibly positive, FDR will express some regret that the polio vaccine didn’t exist in 1921 to prevent him from becoming paralyzed.
Trump will tell you not to trust doctors who say that vaccination is safe.
“What is ‘America First’?”
FDR will note that there was an influential isolationist movement in 1940 called the “America First Committee,” fronted by famous aviator Charles Lindbergh. It wanted to keep the U.S. from providing military aid to England in its war with Hitler, and it explicitly argued that American Jews controlled the media and government and were trying to draw the U.S. into WWII for “their own interests,” as opposed to “ours.”
Trump will recognize “America First” as a slogan he chose for his presidential campaign.
“Do you think you should be allowed to serve more than two terms as president and radically expand executive powers?”
OK, they might agree on this one.
WE ASKED … WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT?
During WWII, my good friend Winston Churchill warned me that after the war, Josef Stalin would seek to have the USSR dominate Eastern Europe. I told him, ‘I just have a hunch that Stalin is not that kind of a man.’ Hah! I can only hope future U.S. presidents learn from my mistake, and don’t simply rely on their hunches when it comes to Kremlin strongmen.
Just another day at the Oval Office!
Marriage Advice
from Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt
FDR and Eleanor had more of a frosty political partnership than a loving marriage. But an essentially loveless marriage for them means better chances with FDR for you, because you can learn from Eleanor’s mistakes.
Don’t sleep with FDR. Eleanor described sex with FDR as “an ordeal to be borne.”* You already have enough ordeals in your life, so don’t add this one. (If despite our advice you do have sex with FDR, then don’t do what Eleanor did and tell your daughter that sex with her father is an ordeal to be borne.)
Don’t move into a townhouse connected by sliding doors to your mother-in-law’s townhouse. Having constant visits from your beautiful, wealthy, and controlling mother-in-law Sara—who tried to break up your engagement to her son by taking him on a long Caribbean cruise—sounds like a good living arrangement, because you’ll get free babysitting. But keep in mind that one of Sara’s babysitting techniques is to tell your children, “I am more your mother than your mother is.”
Don’t introduce FDR to your social secretary. FDR had an affair with Eleanor’s social secretary Lucy Mercer, and Eleanor’s discovery of their love letters permanently fractured their marriage. If it’s too late and you’ve already introduced FDR to your social secretary, try telling her that having sex with FDR is an ordeal to be borne.
*In defense of FDR’s skills in bed if not his perceptiveness, Eleanor might have been at least a little bit gay.
DOES HE KEEP HIS
promises?
In short, no.
Running for election in 1932, FDR promised “an immediate and drastic reduction of governmental expenditures.” If you’re thinking, “Wait a minute, I don’t think FDR drastically reduced federal spending,” then congratulations! You’re ready to pass 11th–grade U.S. History.
FDR also promised “the removal of government from all fields of private enterprise except where necessary to develop public works and natural resources in the common interest.” Little did Americans know that when he said this, it happened to be Opposite Day.
Running for reelection in 1940, FDR told U.S. soldiers, “You boys are not going to be sent into any foreign war.” Though technically, maybe it wasn’t a foreign war anymore after America got involved.
Here is a rare photo of FDR and Herbert Hoover taking a romantic carriage ride around Central Park at Christmastime. Just kidding! It’s actually them at FDR’s inauguration in Washington. But it was still pretty romantic.
WE ASKED … ARE YOU RELATED TO HUMAN DYNAMO THEODORE ROOSEVELT?
We couldn’t help but notice that you have stolen the name of our most vigorous and muscular president, Theodore Roosevelt.
Actually, it’s my name, too. Theodore is my fifth cousin. We’re both members of the extensive and storied Roosevelt family, whose history in New York dates to Dutch settlers in the mid-1600s.
Fifth cousins, huh? Have you ever met him?
Oh, yes. He gave my wife Eleanor away at our wedding.
Is that some kind of Dutch tradition? Women are given away by their groom’s fifth cousin?
No. He was giving Eleanor away because he is her uncle. She is my fifth cousin, too. Actually, her maiden name was “Roosevelt.”
We guess that saves her the trouble of telling you she’s not going to change her name. So, you married your cousin. Was this wedding in a clapboard shack back in the hills somewhere?
Marrying your cousin is a lot like collecting jars of your own urine—you’re much more likely to do it if you’re either very poor or very rich. For instance, my parents were very rich and they were sixth cousins. So if you ever find yourself marrying your cousin, you’ll know you’ve really made it big-time, or fallen very low. And if you can’t tell which, just look around. If you’re on a massive, sprawling estate, you’re probably rich! Or, a rich person is about to hunt you for sport.
Vital Stats
Looks: 8
If you can look handsome in pince-nez glasses, you’re pretty handsome. Also, you might be a member of the Roosevelt family, because Franklin and Teddy are pretty much the only two men who have ever pulled it off.
Physique: 8
Here is FDR’s actual itinerary from the last day he had full use of his legs: 1) Go swimming and sailing in the ocean in Canada (which is presumably freezing); 2) help locals fight a forest fire; 3) jog a mile home. Not walk. Jog.
Charisma: 10
FDR is outgoing, warm, and personable. He loves talking to people and hearing about their problems, and he is magnetic both one-on-one and over the airwaves. His charisma was enough to win an unprecedented four terms as president, and many historians consider him to be the most charismatic president in history. But amazingly, he was not popular in high school, because he didn’t play sports. That’s high school for you.
Keeping secrets: 7
FDR didn’t manage to keep his affair with Lucy Mercer a secret from Eleanor, but he did manage to run for president four times without most Americans finding out he was in a wheelchair. (He knew the voters would admire a man who had succeeded despite many obstacles, and he didn’t want to have an unfair advantage in the election!)
FDR
Childhood Photo Album
Wouldn’t it be interesting to look at photos of America’s greatest president as a child, to see if you could spot the first glimmers of greatness in those early, grainy pictures?
Well, you can’t, because photography didn’t exist when Abraham Lincoln was growing up. But you can look at photos of FDR’s childhood, and he was a pretty good president, too!
We hate the way modern PC culture feminizes boys, watering down their natural aggression and competitiveness. In other news, here is a childhood photo of the man who crushed the Nazis and ushered in 50 years of American global dominance.
A young FDR sets out into the neighborhood on “Operation Make Friends.”
FDR was a well-behaved boy, so no one suspected him of the Hyde Park Riding Crop Murders, even though he constantly carried around a silver riding crop, and whispered to it in French.
Can you believe this 18-year-old brute was bound for Harvard? You probably guessed he was a longshoreman, or a lumberjack, or the member of a
post-apocalyptic biker gang.
HARRY S. TRUMAN
1945–1953 | Democrat
Farmer, haberdasher, railway timekeeper, mailroom clerk, auto club membership salesman … it wasn’t until he became president at age 60 that Harry S. Truman finally found something he was half decent at. And he was half decent at it! Winning WWII, helping establish the UN and NATO, desegregating the military—these are all things that Harry S. Truman did.
So if you’ve been eyeing the guy in the mailroom at work, but you’re worried that his shoddy mailrooming might be a sign that he’s not destined for great things, take heart! Any day now, he might get fired from the mailroom and start selling AAA memberships. And if nothing else, that means you can probably sweet-talk him into a discounted membership.
Well, maybe. It’s worth a try!
Sort-of Fun Facts
Truman graduated from Independence High School, which was later renamed … William Chrisman High School. Yeah. They renamed it after the guy whose daughter donated land for it, instead of the graduate who went on to become president.
Truman is legally blind in one eye. So when he wanted to join the army as an artillery officer, he cheated on the vision test by memorizing the line of letters. Because it’s not like someone operating a giant cannon needs to see that well.
Truman is known as “the Senator from Pendergast.” What does that mean? Well, imagine Jimmy Stewart’s character in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, except instead of the freshman senator representing integrity and honor, he’s representing Kansas City’s corrupt and powerful Pendergast political machine.
Why You’ll Love Him
He will defend you from music critics. The Washington Post never gets tired of making trouble for our hardworking presidents, and in 1950 they published a mediocre review of Truman’s daughter’s singing. Truman responded by sending a letter to the music critic threatening that if they ever met, “You’ll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below!” Some people accused Truman of unpresidential behavior, because they had forgotten what Andrew Jackson was like.
Let’s Talk About Clothes
Would you like to look as dapper as a young Harry S. Truman on his wedding day? It’s easy!
Shave everything except for a long, dark forelock. (And we do mean everything!)
Stuff all that hair in the front pocket of your jacket, because you might need it later.
Boom, you’re done. Wow, for a second there we thought you were Harry S. Truman!
Truman loved the army so much that he stayed in it for decades, until FDR finally forced him to resign his commission, on the grounds that, “Come on dude, you’re a U.S. senator now.”
Pop QUIZ
Can you guess what the “S” in Harry S. Truman stands for?
a. “Sexy,” because he is sooooo sexy.
b. “Stevedore,” from his days working as a rough-and-tumble longshoreman for Missouri River barges.
c. Nothing, because it was a bizarre ploy to trick both of his grandfathers into thinking he’d been named after them.
d. “Danger.”
Answer: (c) His grandfathers were named “Andrew Shipp” and “Solomon,” so Truman’s parents made his middle name “S.” But they could also have made it “Grandfather.”
Harry S. Truman will always be true to you, even if Hollywood starlet Lauren Bacall is draped over his piano trying to seduce him while he plays scales, over and over again, deep into the night.
How to Win His Heart
When he asks you to marry him, turn him down. This is what Bess Wallace did, and Truman kept asking and asking until she said yes.* Saying no to Truman will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will be totally worth it. Unless it plays out differently this time, in which case, sorry—you just missed your one chance at true love, with Harry S. Truman.
*Interestingly, a lot of presidents had to propose more than once before convincing their girlfriends to marry them. What is it about future presidents that women find so repulsive? It’s probably that they haven’t been elected president yet.
TRUE FACTS THAT ARE ALSO
DOUBLE ENTENDRES
• Like Germany during WWII, you could “SURRENDER TO TRUMAN ON HIS BIRTHDAY.”
• If you have access to the right kind of equipment, maybe Truman can satiate your hunger with a “BERLIN AIRLIFT.”
• After you’ve gone on a couple of dates with Truman, you’ll probably be ready to let him reprise his Korean War strategy of “CROSSING THE 38TH PARALLEL.”
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
Truman’s workout buddies in the army told him to stop focusing so much on his quads but he did not listen.
WE ASKED … WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT?
After FDR died and I became president, I compared my situation to having a load of hay fall on you. Specifically, I told a group of reporters, ‘I don’t know if you fellas ever had a load of hay fall on you, but …’
Afterward, it occurred to me that coming from the first president from Missouri, this analogy might have reflected poorly on my state. Specifically, those reporters might have concluded that a Missouri boy can’t handle having a big load of hay fall on him. But please, let me assure you, the exact opposite is true.
DOES HE KEEP HIS
promises?
Universal healthcare. This campaign promise did not quite work out, as you might have already noticed if you don’t have any health care. But in recognition of his efforts, Harry and Bess Truman got the first two Medicare cards ever issued. So unfortunately, that story your grandfather told you about getting the first Medicare card was a lie. Unless your grandfather is Harry S. Truman. In which case, thank you for reading this book, Clifton, Harrison, or Thomas!
Vital Stats
Looks: 7
Harry S. Truman looks like a turtle, but a relatively handsome one. Just relatively, though. There are a lot of very handsome turtles out there.
Physique: 8
While president, Truman got up at 5 a.m. almost every day and walked 1–2 miles, then swam laps in the White House pool. And he usually tried to squeeze in a “nap” with Bess in the afternoon.
Charisma: 4
It took Truman eight years to beat the Nazis, establish NATO, and convert the U.S. economy to a peacetime footing. And that’s the same amount of time it took him to convince someone named “Bess” to marry him.
Doing shots at breakfast: 10
Truman did a shot of bourbon every morning, accompanied by a light breakfast. And if Truman could lead the free world fueled by nothing but a shot of hard liquor on an empty stomach at 6 a.m., then it is definitely OK for you to have a third mimosa at brunch. If the server looks at you funny, just tell him “I am President Harry S. Truman!”
DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
1953–1961 | Republican
In troubled times, the safest pick for the White House is someone with the proven ability to invade Europe. That’s why in 1948, voters went with Dwight D. Eisenhower, the commanding general of the Allied forces that landed at Normandy and defeated the Nazis in Western Europe. Eisenhower proceeded to heal the wounds of a nation recovering from cataclysmic war with the power of plainspoken speech and the best political slogan in human history: “I Like Ike.”
While the 1950s are remembered and/or imagined by many Americans as a halcyon period of suburban tranquility and prosperity, Eisenhower largely focused on foreign affairs, leaving domestic policy to his “trusty” sidekick, Vice President Richard Nixon. Eisenhower positioned the United States to face off against the Soviet Union by strengthening NATO, expanding the country’s nuclear arsenal, and helping countries like Guatemala and Iran get exciting new governments.
Eisenhower was known for having a sunny disposition, a friendly manner, and an optimistic outlook on America. Weirdly, back in the 1950s, that’s what people wanted in a president.
Eisenhower is also known for being our baldest president. We guarantee that if you ask a
hundred people on the street to state a fact about Eisenhower, the top answer will be “bald.” After “no thank you” and “please stop following me.”
Alternate 1952
Campaign Slogan
“Did you LIKE watching America STRIKE the WARLIKE REICH? Would you not DISLIKE a new TURNPIKE, with no TAX HIKE? Vote for Dwight David Eisenhower!”
Why You’ll Love Him
He’s not too into politics. Eisenhower had never voted until he ran for president. If this reminds you of Zachary Taylor, then you’ve been reading this book far too closely. But you’ve also learned a secret route to the White House: Join the army, and don’t vote. If we’ve done the calculations right, this strategy will give you a 2/44 chance of becoming president.
He’s a sound financial planner. Ike first proposed to Mamie with a miniature replica of his West Point class ring. For some crazy reason, this wasn’t good enough, and he needed to then go buy a more traditional engagement ring. He didn’t have enough money to buy a diamond ring, so he developed his own payment plan: “I’ll just buy it on credit, then go win a bunch of money at poker.” Later, we put this man in charge of saving Western civilization from fascism.
