by J. D. Dobson
GUNILLA VON POST + JFK
JFK met Swedish aristocrat Gunilla while vacationing on the French Riviera. And that right there is why you’re not having an affair with a president. You’re not a Swedish aristocrat who vacations on the French Riviera. Get on that.
PRISCILLA WEAR (LEFT) + JFK
JILL COWEN (RIGHT) + JFK
JFK had two cute, young secretaries nicknamed “Fiddle” and “Faddle.”
LYNDON B. JOHNSON
1963–1969 | Democrat
Do you like being pressured into doing things? Sure, we all do. That’s why Lyndon B. Johnson was so popular and beloved, except for the whole Vietnam thing.
LBJ is known for “The Treatment,” a process by which the large man would literally get inches from your face and talk until you agreed to do what he wanted. As Johnson’s press secretary described it, “When that man started to work on you, all of a sudden, you just felt that you were standing under a waterfall and the stuff was pouring on you.” If you feel a little flushed after reading that sentence, then LBJ might be the guy for you!
Johnson used his legendary powers of close-talking to ram through all kinds of good policies, including the Civil Rights Act, the Clean Air Act, the Social Security Act … and honestly too many other things for us to list. This isn’t a history book, folks.
TRUE FACTS THAT ARE ALSO
DOUBLE ENTENDRES
• After the Pearl Harbor attack, the navy assigned sailor LBJ to “INSPECT THE SHIPYARDS.”
• He was the first serving U.S. president to “GO DOWN UNDER” and “VISIT AUSTRALIA.”
• He amazed Texans along the campaign trail with what he called “THE JOHNSON CITY WINDMILL.” (It was a helicopter. This would have to be a double entendre for something pretty unsexy, high-fiving in bed.)
If Vietnam taught us anything about what it would be like to date Lyndon B. Johnson, it’s that even when facing a complete disaster that will ruin lives, he still refuses to pull out.
Why You’ll Love Him
He spent two years in the Senate as “majority whip.” Two years in the Senate as Majority Whip would also make a great title for an erotic history of LBJ’s time in the Senate. See you on the bookshelves, Robert Caro!
He’s not clingy! In fact, he’s so not clingy that he constantly sleeps around. He once bragged he’d “had more women by accident than Kennedy ever had on purpose.” (We don’t know exactly how that can happen by accident, but we assume it’s a constant risk for close-talkers like LBJ.)
It’s rumored that LBJ deliberately peed on the shoe of one of his Secret Service agents. So you could probably get him to pee on you, too, if you join the Secret Service.
You’ll never have to see him cheating on you. LBJ had a buzzer installed in the Oval Office so that the Secret Service could alert him when his wife was coming, so she wouldn’t walk in on him having sex with his secretary. Because it was pretty embarrassing the first time that happened.
He wears a cowboy hat.
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
“Hi, I’m Lyndon.
Welcome to the navy! Now, confidentially—do you want to form an alliance with me against the guys on the other bunk?”
Vital Stats
Looks: 2
His wife, Lady Bird Johnson, said that when they first met, it felt like a moth being drawn to a flame. We’re going to go ahead and assume that in this scenario, he is the moth.
Physique: 7
Do you like your men tall and lanky? LBJ is 6’ 3½”. And it tells you a lot about him that he isn’t content with just telling people he is 6’3”.
Charisma: 3½
Once, in the Oval Office, he reportedly grabbed the Canadian prime minister by the lapels and said, “Don’t you come into my living room and piss on my rug!” And the prime minister hadn’t even pissed on his rug yet!
Low center of gravity: 9
LBJ installed showerheads in the White House that were so powerful, Richard Nixon said they almost knocked him down. And Nixon’s heart was made from the superdense core of a dead star, so that’s saying a lot.
RICHARD NIXON
1969–1974 | Republican
Richard Nixon is thought of as a Machiavellian figure who relentlessly crushed his enemies and pursued power. But few today remember how relentlessly he crushed (on) and pursued young schoolteacher Pat Nixon. Did he propose on their first date? He did. After she turned him down, did he persuade her to let him drive her to dates with other guys? He did. Did he keep on proposing to her, over and over again, until she said yes? He did.
But please: Don’t fall for Richard Nixon simply because he proposes on the first date and then obsessively stalks you until you finally relent and marry him. Because there’s some bad stuff about Richard Nixon, too.
How to Win His Heart
Skip the dirty talk. While working as an attorney, Nixon avoided taking divorce cases because he didn’t like to hear women talking about sex. But we’re guessing you won’t have a hard time not talking about sex with Richard Nixon.
Try to be in a play with him. Nixon twice proposed to women who were cast in plays with him. So he either has a thing for actors, or for women who are in his immediate vicinity.
Have the best-looking legs of any woman in public life today. Women’s Wear Daily said Pat Nixon had the “best-looking legs of any woman in public life today.” But that was in 1969, and we’re talking about today, so you’ve got a shot to edge Pat out for this coveted recognition and catch Nixon’s eye. Start by mailing a photo of your legs to Women’s Wear Daily at 475 Fifth Ave, 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10017. No need to include an explanation—they’ll know why you’re sending it.
Why You’ll Love Him
He writes a lot of love letters. To Pat, he wrote, “Every day and every night I want to see you and be with you. Yet I have no feeling of selfish ownership or jealousy. Let’s go for a long ride Sunday.” He might have been referring to driving her to a date with another guy, but still: If there’s one sure way to wow your date, it’s having Richard Nixon drop you off.
If he falls for you, he’ll call you “thee” instead of “you,” which is a Quaker thing. Unfortunately, this is going to make you wonder, “Hey, wait just a gosh-darned minute, how come Quaker president Herbert Hoover never called me ‘thee’?”
He won’t make you wear fancy clothes. When Nixon gave his famous “Checkers” speech in which he refused to return an inappropriate campaign contribution (specifically, his dog Checkers), he assured a worried nation that his wife Pat didn’t own a mink coat, but rather a “respectable Republican cloth coat,” whatever that is. Every girl dreams of growing up to marry someone who brags to strangers about how she doesn’t have a nice coat.
Sort-of Fun Fact
Pat Nixon’s real name was Thelma, but she went by “Pat” because she was born the day before St. Patrick’s Day, and also because her real name was Thelma.
YOU’D BETTER START THINKING NOW ABOUT WHAT TO SAY IF NIXON ASKS YOU TO GO BOWLING WITH HIM.
Alternate History Timeline:
What If We’d Built a
MOON BASE
In 1969, Nixon vetoed a NASA plan that would have put a manned base on the moon by 1980. What would have happened if he hadn’t vetoed the moon base?
1979
Moon base completed.
1980
Soviet Union concedes defeat, asks to be annexed by California. Ronald Reagan elected Governor of Moscow Oblast.
1984
President Nixon completes fourth term. He points out that he is in violation of the Twenty-second Amendment, but everyone shushes him and says, “But you’re doing so great!”
1994
Space elevator connecting Houston and the moon completed. Neighborhood around the space elevator station on the moon starts gentrifying.
2003
To celebrate his 90th birthday, Chancellor Nixon tries out his new biomechanical legs by climbing Olympus Mons. Experts at the Department of Mart
ian Terraforming tell him the atmosphere isn’t ready for a climb without supplemental oxygen; he adds them to the enemies list.
2018
Space Emperor Nixon grants an imperial pardon to Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward for sedition; they are released from Moon Reeducation Camp #45.
DOMESTIC BLISS
In Nixon’s famous “Kitchen Debate,” he argued in a kitchen with Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev over whether capitalism or communism had better kitchens. And you could have spirited conversations with Richard Nixon in your kitchen, too! For example: “Richard Nixon? WTF are you doing here, get out of my kitchen!”
Favorite Pickup Line
“Nixon’s the One!”
Nixon might try to use his 1968 campaign slogan when he sidles up to you at the bar. But before you agree to let him drive you to your dates with other guys, you need to ask yourself, “the one what?”
Who Said It?
Did you know that Richard Nixon was named after 12th-century English King Richard the Lionheart? See if you can identify who said the following quotes—Richard Nixon or Richard the Lionheart. (Oh, and we also threw in a quote by Patrick Swayze from when he wore a Nixon mask in Point Break. So that’s an option, too.)
1. “You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be its master?”
2. “When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal.”
3. “I am born of a rank which recognizes no superior but God.”
4. “This is a great day for France!”
Answer key: 1. Patrick Swayze; 2. Richard Nixon; 3. Richard the Lionheart; 4. You probably thought this was Richard the Lionheart, since he spent most of his life in France. But this was actually Nixon speaking at the funeral of French national hero Charles de Gaulle, because he thought it was a can’t-miss opportunity to stick it to de Gaulle.
WE ASKED … WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT?
I lack the capacity for shame. But other people might say it’s the time I helped sabotage President Johnson’s peace talks with the North Vietnamese because I thought a successful ceasefire would make it harder for me to win the 1968 presidential election. This probably extended the war by a few years. But I don’t know … even as I’m saying it now, it doesn’t sound all that bad to me!
Pop QUIZ
What is “The Nixon Doctrine”?
a. Giving allies aid rather than entering combat directly on their behalf.
b. Recording all of your own conversations, just in case.
c. Proposing on the first date.
d. Resigning the presidency.
e. Being tricky.
f. All of the above.
Answer: It’s (e). If the teacher grading your AP History exam tells you it’s (a), have them come talk to us.
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
A young Richard Nixon gazes into the future, and it’s dark.
SCANDAL!
It’s hard to pick just one Nixon scandal, but let’s talk about these drapes.
DOES HE KEEP HIS
promises?
Allow dancing. In college, Nixon became class president by promising to end the school’s ban on dancing, and the yearbook gave him credit for “living up to his promises.” So if you’re a college student looking to vote for a fun-loving class president, consider writing in “Richard Nixon.” Or “I want to dance.” Or “No one knows how lonely I am.” Whatever. It’s student government.
Unavailability for kicking around. After losing the 1962 California gubernatorial election, Nixon promised the press “You don’t have Nixon to kick around anymore.” But he has done a terrible job of keeping this promise. The press will still be kicking Richard Nixon around when the sun goes supernova and swallows the Earth.
Not being a crook. Nixon told the country, “I am not a crook. I’ve earned everything I’ve got.” But if you end up accepting a presidential pardon, you’re at least kind of a crook. And why the gratuitous dig at crooks, anyway? Who’s to say crooks haven’t earned everything they’ve got? Do you think a high-tech art museum heist is easy?
Vital Stats
Looks: 5
Notoriously bitchy fashion critic George Orwell once wrote, “At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves.” Nixon was a handsome young man, but over the decades his craftiness began to visibly weigh on him. And when we say, “visibly weigh on him,” we mean “on his cheeks.”
Physique: 4
Also on his pectoral muscles.
Charisma: 3
Nixon sought respect rather than love, and he didn’t connect with people personally. He once said, “Even with close friends, I don’t believe in letting your hair down.” So if you’re ever alone with Richard Nixon and he suddenly lets his hair down, you can at least console yourself with the knowledge that he doesn’t consider you a close friend.
Nickname: 3
Nixon was nicknamed “Tricky Dick” because of his underhanded campaign tactics. If you ever meet a guy nicknamed Tricky Dick and you’re worried about how he got that name, “underhanded campaign tactics” is really the best-case scenario.
Can you cover up
WATERGATE?
On June 17, 1972, five burglars were caught trying to bug the Democratic Party’s headquarters, which was located in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC. This set off an investigation that ultimately led to President Nixon’s resignation. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that Nixon didn’t get in trouble for the break-in itself. It’s actually perfectly legal to spy on the Democratic Party! No, Nixon got in trouble because he tried to cover it up (and, more important, failed).
Do you think you would have fared better in Nixon’s shoes? Now is your chance to find out!
GERALD FORD
1974–1977 | Republican
Gerald Ford is the classic handsome, popular jock who peaks in high school, and then gradually declines over the years, until he finally becomes president. George Washington is a great dancer, and Teddy Roosevelt is great at surviving gunshots to the chest, but no president can match Ford for sheer athleticism. He was a standout football star in high school, he played both center and linebacker for the University of Michigan, and he turned down the chance to play in the NFL. If we had decided to settle the Cold War through trial-by-combat, he probably could have picked up Brezhnev and thrown him across the room, Abraham Lincoln–style.
Unfortunately for Ford (and all of us), this opportunity never came up, and the biggest tackle he needed to make as president was tackling the legacy of a criminal predecessor and dishonored party. Other missed Ford administration tackles included “inflation” and “walking onstage without tripping,” and these failures prevented nice-guy Ford from winning the 1976 presidential election against the ruthless Jimmy Carter.
In the end, Ford has never really escaped his reputation as a dumb jock. But people forget that he graduated from the Yale Law School, so he probably wasn’t any dumber than the average Yale graduate.
How to Win His Heart
Be hot. Ford worked as a model in college, and both of his serious relationships were with women who’d been successful fashion models. So if you’ve been looking for an excuse to finally launch your career as a fashion model, here it is!
Be a hot mannequin. When Ford met his future wife Betty, she was working as a “department store fashion consultant.” Is “department store fashion consultant” code for “mannequin,” and was Betty Ford a beautiful mannequin brought to life by love, as in the movie Mannequin? Yes.
Don’t be a dancer, or a divorcée, or both. Ford and Betty put off their marriage until after his first congressional campaign, because he was worried what voters would think about him marrying a divorced ex-dancer. It was a simpler time.
Why You’ll Love Him
He was good enough to beat Reagan. If you want to know how different the 1970s were, consider this: In the 1976 GOP primary, Ronald Reagan was defeated by Gerald Ford. The only way Reagan could lose
a GOP primary today is if somehow his opponent was also Ronald Reagan. And, with continued advances in cloning technology, we might live to see this primary.
He made Eagle Scout. Can you guess how many of the U.S. presidents have been Eagle Scouts? 100%? 110%? 2000%? Wrong. Only Gerald Ford, and he basically only became president by accident. If you think this is a scathing indictment of the Eagle Scout program, you’re right. Statistically speaking you have a better shot at the U.S. presidency if you become a Freemason, or a Quaker.(This message brought to you by the Freemason Coalition to Recruit Quakers.)
He will stand up for his friends. Or sit down for them, depending on the situation. In 1934, Georgia Tech’s football team refused to play Michigan unless African-American player Willis Ward was benched. Michigan acquiesced, and an outraged Gerald Ford quit the team in protest. But then Ward urged him to play and beat Georgia Tech, so he rejoined the team. Ford knocked an epithet-spewing Georgia Tech lineman out of the game with a vicious hit. Michigan won the game. Ward went on to become a judge, Ford went on to become president. And did we mention that both of them were really handsome? Get on it, Hollywood.
SCANDAL!
If you’re hoping that Ford will keep a photo of you in his wallet, sorry: there’s no room. That’s because it’s already holding a copy of the Supreme Court decision Burdick v. United States.
