by J. D. Dobson
Why You’ll Love Him
He is literally a movie star! You’ve seen Brother Rat, right? And its popular but highly controversial sequel, Brother Rat and a Baby?
He dated a woman (Nancy Reagan) who dated Clark Cable. That means that if you sleep with Ronald Reagan, it’s like you’re sleeping with Clark Gable! At least in the STD-transmission sense.
He made 77 rescues as a high school lifeguard. Of course, those figures are probably self-reported. So it’s possible he inflated his own numbers by blowing his whistle, swimming up to some cute girl, and saying “Hey, are you OK? By the way, my name is Ronald, but you can call me ‘Dutch’ because I look like a fat little Dutchman.”
He told the greatest joke in American history. When conducting the sound test for his weekly radio address, President Reagan said, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” The audio was leaked and the Soviet military went on alert, but (spoiler alert) they figured out it was a joke and it did not start WWIII.
How to Win His Heart
Be matronly. Even as a hot young starlet, Reagan’s future wife Nancy Davis was typecast as a housewife, and her studio’s promotional materials said that her “greatest ambition was ‘a successful happy marriage.’” Reagan liked to call her “Mommy.” You were probably going to become pretty matronly anyway, so you might as well put it to a good use: bedding Ronald Reagan.
Fight communists together. Reagan and his first wife informed on communist-sympathizing actors to the FBI. Can’t you picture spending a romantic evening with Reagan, curled up on a bearskin rug in front of a roaring fire, calling the FBI and telling them your coworkers are communists?
Sort-of Fun Facts
Charlton Heston called Ronald and Nancy’s relationship “the greatest love affair in the history of the American presidency.” But that was only because he didn’t yet know about Donald and Melania.
Reagan was almost 70 when he entered the White House, and this was controversial. By 1980, a president alerted to an apparent Soviet missile launch would have less than 15 minutes to decide whether to launch U.S. missiles in response. And if deciding whether or not to launch nuclear missiles is as hard as deciding what to watch on Netflix, then that’s really not a lot of time.
The “Ronald Reagan Legacy Project” aims to name one thing in every state—bridges, airports, roads—after Ronald Reagan. You can help out by naming something in your house after Reagan … or even part of your own body! “The date was going great, until she turned around and saw that I’d taken out my Reagan.” “I gasped with pleasure as he pressed himself against my Reagan.” “I have a weird rash on my Reagan.” And so forth.
Get the Look!
Reagan’s look is “cowboy.” But a cowboy who cares about looking good. And whose idea of looking good is lots and lots of hair product, so that not a single hair is out of place, even for a second. And whose smiling, friendly demeanor belies incredible power to inflict violence. (Actually, this would be a good Cormac McCarthy character.)
Timeline: Wartime President/Governor/Actor
Ronald Reagan believed in “peace through strength,” and he demonstrated his commitment to the peacemaking power of strength by constantly using strength to go to war against one thing or another.
1937
War on (fictional) Corruption. Reagan stars in his first feature film, Love Is on the Air, about a radio announcer who proves that you can fight city hall, as long as you’re in a rom-com.
1937
War on Soldiers Not Having Enough Informational Movies to Watch. Reagan enlists in the army, but his poor eyesight relegates him to the “First Motion Picture Unit.” However, his bad eyesight doesn’t prevent him from helping to discover a young Marilyn Monroe. And she, in turn, helps the young army officer discover himself. Sexually.
(Maybe.)
(OK, probably not. But just imagine!)
1940
War on (fictional) West Point. Reagan portrays Notre Dame football player George Gipp in Knute Rockne, All American. In that movie he is nicknamed “the Gipper,” and his teammates are urged to “win just one for the Gipper” in the big game against Army. Years later, Reagan begins using “the Gipper” as a nickname in real life, and encouraging White House staff to “go out there and win one for the Gipper,” because he understands that reality is an illusion.
1970
War on Hippies. During student unrest at California universities, Governor Reagan says, “If it takes a bloodbath, let’s get it over with. No more appeasement.” This, perhaps, is a man who over-embraced the cautionary lessons of the 1938 capitulation at Munich.
1982
War on Drugs. President Reagan re-declares Nixon’s “War on Drugs.” And that’s why there’s no longer any illegal drug use in America. Sorry, teens.
1983
War on Stars. President Reagan announces plans to build a space-based missile defense system. Democrats mock this as “Star Wars,” because comparing a policy proposal to a wildly popular movie is a surefire way to undermine it.
1983
War on Grenada. The Pentagon holds a contest to see who can come up with the most over-the-top code name for invading a nation whose population is smaller than Columbia, Missouri. The winner is “Operation Urgent Fury.”
1985
War on Sandinistas. Until he got caught supporting the Contras, Reagan’s approval had been going up and up, but it started going down and down, as the left attacked him and the right defended him. The left’s attacks began to prevail against the right’s defenses, and it was looking like Reagan would b a failed president, but finally he was able to start moving past it.
1987
War on Walls. At a joint appearance with Gorbachev in Berlin, Reagan urges the Soviet premier to “tear down this wall.” Gorbachev, obligingly, goes home to get his sledgehammer.
HOROSCOPE
After an assassination attempt against Reagan, Nancy increasingly turned to her astrologer for advice about how to keep him safe. She was roundly mocked for this. And if you believe in physics, it’s easy to mock the idea that celestial movements determine our individual destinies here on Earth. But be honest: if you opened up the newspaper and your horoscope said, “Someone will try to assassinate you in front of the Washington Hilton,” you would probably stay home.
SPEAKING OF WHICH: LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT TODAY’S HOROSCOPE. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, SOMETHING TELLS US THAT YOUR FORECAST WILL CONTAIN AN INTERESTING TIDBIT FROM REAGAN’S PRESIDENCY!
ARIES
You will sign the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty with the Soviets at 1:33 p.m., because 33 is your lucky number, and this treaty is going to need all the luck it can get.
TAURUS
The stock market will rise 180 percent over the course of your presidency. But—and telling you this is a violation of the astrologer’s code of ethics—it’s vital that you sell all your stocks on October 18, 1987. Don’t ask us why!
GEMINI
You will dream about having an evil identical twin. Or was it a dream? If it was just a dream, then why is there drool all over your desk, just like in your dream??!!
CANCER
You will transfer your presidential powers to Vice President George H. W. Bush for eight hours while you’re under sedation to have a cancerous bowel polyp removed. Bush will manage to go the whole time without vomiting on any foreign leaders, but you shouldn’t assume this means a President Bush will never vomit on a foreign leader. (He will.)
LEO
On safari in Africa, you will shoot and skin a lion, then donate its pelt to the Smithsonian. (Oh wait … sorry, that was Teddy Roosevelt’s horoscope! Your horoscope for today is that you will try out a new kind of shampoo.)
VIRGO
You will finally give your first substantive remarks on AIDS after more than 20,000 Americans have already died from the disease, and your
comments will consist, in part, of supporting abstinence education. AIDS isn’t going to know what hit it!
LIBRA
Today you will nominate Sandra Day O’Connor to the Supreme Court, making her the first woman to sit on the nation’s highest court. Later, she and the authors of this book will move across the country at the same time, and the moving company will carry their stuff in the same truck. What? Yes, it’s true! For all J.D. knows, they accidentally swapped his Xbox with hers.
SCORPIO
You and Mikhail Gorbachev will agree to set aside all of this Cold War stuff if aliens invade the U.S. or the U.S.S.R. You will not agree on what to do if aliens invade China.
SAGITTARIUS
Someone is going to try to assassinate you in front of the Washington Hilton. So maybe don’t go to the Washington Hilton today. Or whatever, you can go if you want to. We’re not going to tell you how to live your life.
CAPRICORN
You will proclaim this National Dairy Goat Awareness Week. You don’t give people a lot of notice, though, so everybody has to scramble to come up with goat-related festivities.
AQUARIUS
You will quip that hippies “look like Tarzan, walk like Jane, and smell like Cheetah,” without realizing that Tarzan almost certainly smelled a lot worse than Cheetah, even though Cheetah was, confusingly, a chimpanzee.
PISCES
While staying at the house of Prince Karim Aga Khan IV during nuclear talks with the Soviets, you will accidentally kill his son’s pet goldfish and send a White House aide on a frantic search through Geneva for a replacement goldfish. On the plus side, no one will ever ask you to pet-sit ever again.
A Time for Choosing:
The Highlights
Reagan entered the national stage in 1964 when he gave his famous “A Time for Choosing” speech. He wrote it himself, and it was compelling and effective. But we don’t want you to take time away from more important things (reading this book) to go read his speech. So as a special favor, we’ve diluted “A Time for Choosing” down to its best lines.
“Somewhere a perversion has taken place.”
“We bought a two million dollar yacht for Haile Selassie.”
“I’m not suggesting Harvard is the answer to juvenile delinquency.”
“And still they can’t tell us how 66 shiploads of grain headed for Austria disappeared without a trace and Billie Sol Estes never left shore.”
“Should Christ have refused the cross?”
“This is the last stand on earth.”
“You and I have a rendezvous with destiny.”
Vital Stats
Looks: 8
You have to admit, Ronald Reagan is a man who ages well. If you do not admit it, Ronald Reagan will keep invading Grenada until you admit it.
Physique: 3
Do you like the long, hydrodynamic, hairless swimmer’s body? But on a 70-year-old? Well, like it or not, that’s what you’re getting.
Charisma: 10
Reagan was known as “The Great Communicator,” and he was especially convincing over the radio and onscreen. After he left office, all across the country people awoke as if from a dream, and said, “Wait a minute … I think I’ve spent the last few years believing the U.S. could start and win a limited nuclear war against the Soviets, but that can’t be right.”
Mentor: 8
When Bill Clinton asked Reagan for advice on being president, Reagan taught him how to give a good, crisp salute.
HOTTEST HEADS OF STATE EXPLAINS: The Iran-Contra Affair
The Iran-Contra Affair better have involved an actual affair. Can you please tell me about it? And don’t spare the saucy details!
Well … OK. The whole thing started in the mid-1980s, when the Reagan Administration tried to solve two problems at once.
That sounds efficient! It’s nice to see a politician who actually follows through on promises to reduce waste and inefficiency. What were the two problems?
First, armed groups in Lebanon had seized a number of American hostages.
I just got a wave of ’80s nostalgia for the days when terrorists simply took hostages. What was the second problem?
Congress had banned arms sales to Iran after the Islamic Revolution in 1979. But then Iran was invaded by Iraq, and the Reagan administration was worried that if the U.S. didn’t sell the Iranians arms to defend themselves, they would drift into the Soviet sphere of influence.
Did it occur to anyone to just topple the Iraqi government and thus bring peace and democracy to the region?
No, although National Security Council (NSC) staffer Col. Oliver North later claimed that Reagan had him convey the message “Saddam Hussein is an asshole” to the Iranians. They came up with a much more elaborate plan, based on some convoluted legal reasoning.
Can you explain it in the form of a dumbed-down analogy?
Sure! Let’s say you give your son a dollar and tell him not to use it to buy any candy. He gives the dollar to a friend, and the friend uses the dollar to buy candy and gives it to your son. By using a go-between, your son technically followed the rules, right?
No, definitely not.
Well nevertheless, this is basically what the White House did. Rather than sell arms to Iran directly, they sold arms to the Israelis, who immediately turned around and sold them to the Iranians. And because the Iranians had influence over the Lebanese hostage-takers, the Americans said, “Hey, since we’re getting you these anti-tank missiles, could you do us a solid and lean on your boys to free their hostages?”
I know you think using colloquial language makes this topic feel less bewildering, but it does not. Did their plan work?
Sort of, eventually. But first, it occurred to the Reagan administration that there was a third problem they could also solve by selling weapons to Iran.
At this rate, I can’t believe America had any problems left by the time Reagan left office. What was the third problem?
The CIA had been funding and training an armed group seeking to overthrow the leftist government in Nicaragua. These rebels were called the “Contras,” short for contrarrevolucionarios. They were pretty ruthless, even by counterrevolutionary standards, and Congress passed a law telling the administration to stop. But Reagan didn’t want to stop! So his people came up with another interesting legal theory.
Please don’t use another candy metaphor.
OK, fine. Let’s say you tell your teenager, “You get a weekly allowance. But you are not allowed to buy beer.” And your teenager takes this to mean that she is allowed to buy beer, as long as she doesn’t use her allowance money. Reagan’s staff decided that if the White House could make its own money, it could spend it however it wanted. And, as luck would have it, they already had a moneymaking operation in place.
The White House Gift Shop! Now I feel guilty for buying all those commemorative plates!
No. They had their operation selling weapons to Iran. Oliver North realized they could raise the prices on weapons sold to the Iranians and use the profits to fund the Contras.
I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong. But I guess it must have, or else I would never have heard of it.
As anyone with a favorite child knows, keeping a big secret is hard. And word of the Iran-Contra operation began coming out pretty quickly, in a variety of ways. An Iranian general leaked it to a Lebanese magazine. A planeload of U.S. arms bound for the Contras crashed in the jungle. And—most hilariously—Oliver North’s secretary mixed up a bank routing number, and as a result $10 million for the Contras was accidentally wired into the bank account of a very confused Swiss man.
Oh man! Well honestly, anyone could make that mistake. I hope everything turned out OK for her!
A couple years later, she was dating Rob Lowe.
Well, she can go straight to hell, then. So what happened to Reagan?
When the story first broke in November of 1986, Reagan said, “We did not, repeat, did not, trade weapons or anything else for hostages.�
�� A few months later he gave another speech saying (essentially) “Well actually, it turns out we did trade weapons for hostages.” And although there were extensive investigations, to this day it’s hard to know how much he knew. He was not a details guy, his health was deteriorating, and Oliver North was a pretty slippery character.
Oh yeah, Oliver North. What ever happened to him?
He was convicted on three felony counts, but they were overturned because he’d been granted immunity for cooperating with prosecutors. He went on to have a cameo on the ’90s TV show Wings. And he was a contestant on Jeopardy in 1997, where he was beaten like a gong by journalist Andrea Mitchell.
I’m going to go see if I can stream Wings.
We are watching Wings right now, as we write this. In fact, it’s possible we might have accidentally included some plot elements from Wings.
GEORGE H. W. BUSH
1989–1993 | Republican
If we told you that a U.S. president had 1) enlisted in the wartime navy on his 18th birthday, 2) promptly become its youngest aircraft-carrier aviator, 3) been shot down by the Imperial Japanese and rescued by a submarine, 4) joined the submarine’s crew for a few months, 5) run the CIA, 6) presided over the defeat of the Soviet Union, and 7) skydived on his 90th birthday, what word would you use to describe him?
Perhaps … “wimp”?
No? Well, that’s because unlike most people in politics, you’re not horrible. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, George H. W. Bush struggled against the perception of wimpiness for much of his political career. Sure, he’s a big preppie, he went to Yale, and his nickname is “Poppy.” But there are a lot of tough preppies who went to Yale named “Poppy.” If you don’t believe us, just put down this book, enroll at Yale, and start asking around. No matter what you find, you’ll come away with a world-class education and memories to last a lifetime.
