by J. D. Dobson
He’s a compassionate conservative. You care about other human beings, right? Even if they live in other countries? George XLIII created a program aimed at helping prevent and treat AIDS, malaria, and neglected tropical diseases that has saved millions of lives in the developing world. (If you don’t care about other human beings, try hitting yourself in the head with this book and see if that jars anything loose.)
He is an amazing marksman. During his successful run for governor of Texas, George XLIII went hunting and accidentally shot an endangered species of bird. Not to be outdone, years later his vice president Dick Cheney later went hunting and accidentally shot a 78-year-old lawyer. (The lawyer was not endangered, except in the sense that anyone who goes hunting with Dick Cheney is in at least a little bit of danger.)
He will be your permanent designated driver. George XLIII became a teetotaler the day after celebrating his 40th birthday. His advice to people thinking about getting on the wagon? “If Bush can quit, I can quit.” That’s very motivating! “If the president of the United States can do it, I can do it!” One day at a time!
He will coin a new nickname for you. George XLIII is famous for coming up with new and colorful nicknames for the people around him. Will he nickname you “Pootie-Poot,” like Vladimir Putin? Perhaps “Big Time,” like Dick Cheney? Or maybe even “Turd Blossom,” like Karl Rove? But only if he likes you as much as he likes Karl Rove.
He was the most popular president ever.* Bush registered the highest approval ratings in presidential history: 90% approval, right after the 9/11 terror attacks. The political lesson for future presidents is that we have always been at war with Eastasia.
* Unfortunately, he was also arguably the least popular president ever, registering the lowest approval ratings in presidential history: 25%, following years of quagmire in Iraq and the botched federal disaster response to Hurricane Katrina. The political lesson for future presidents is that if a catastrophic hurricane is coming, resign immediately.
SCANDAL!
The Iraq War may seem like a catastrophic mistake now. But it’s important to remember that history will have the final verdict. For instance, perhaps 50 years from now, historians will say, “The Iraq War was good, because it initiated the chain of events that shattered the liberal democratic international order and paved the way for conquest by Zod the Tormentor, may he reign from his orbital throne forever.”
TRUE FACTS THAT ARE ALSO
DOUBLE ENTENDRES
As someone with the last name “Bush,” George XLIII’s life is basically one long string of double entendres.
• George XLIII is an expert in “LOOKING FOR DRILLING SITES,” and he used these skills to start his own company: “BUSH EXPLORATION.” We would bet any amount of money that George XLIII would snicker when telling people, “I’m the head guy in charge of Bush Exploration.”
• His election, controversially, involved a lot of people examining “HANGING CHADS,” “DANGLING CHADS,” “FAT CHADS,” and even “PREGNANT CHADS.” Never let anyone tell you politics isn’t a dirty, dirty business.
• After 9/11, George XLIII smooth-talked a nervous America into the “PATRIOT ACT,” which left a lot of people feeling exposed and violated.
• During his presidency, George XLIII and Laura often retreated to their ranch in Crawford, Texas so he could unwind by spending some time “CLEARING BRUSH.”
“So remember, Bonesman: If anyone ever says ‘Skull and Bones,’ then no matter where you are you have to get up and leave the room.”
How to Win His Heart
Hang out at backyard BBQs. Laura Welch met George XLIII at a backyard BBQ in Midland, Texas, and within three months they were engaged. (Please note: If you find yourself flirting with a handsome young oil executive at a backyard BBQ in Midland, Texas, and his dad just wrapped up a stint as director of the CIA, it’s possible you are a character on the popular ’80s show Dallas.)
Go miniature golfing with him. When they met, George asked Laura to go miniature golfing with him. If this happens to you, just smile and nod, and bite your cheek if that’s what it takes to keep from laughing.
Be a sexy librarian. Laura was a librarian when she met George, and you’re probably closer than you realize to pulling off the sexy librarian look. You’re already reading a book, and chances are pretty good you’re wearing glasses. All that’s left is to start sexily chewing on a pencil, and take off your top.
DIY PROJECT:
DECIDE HOW TO RUN THE GOVERNMENT
George XLIII’s background in business helped him get elected to the White House. That’s because throughout American history, the idea that we should run the government like a business recurs periodically, like a herpes outbreak.
Just so you know for next time, running the government like a business usually doesn’t work out that well! But obviously we don’t want a president who will run the government like a government, either. So what are our other options? Here are a few ideas that you can try suggesting during the next election cycle.
We need to run the government like a BASEBALL TEAM.
We need to run the government like an APPLE ORCHARD.
We need to run the government like a SPACESHIP.
We need to run the government like a STREET GANG.
We need to run the government like a PYRAMID SCHEME.
We need to run the government like a MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.
We need to run the government like a BANK HEIST CREW.
We need to run the government like a RUNAWAY TRAIN.
We need to run the government like a DOOMSDAY CULT.
Vital Stats
Looks: 9
George XLIII is very handsome! Say what you will about eugenics, but the Kennebunkport breeding program that has been working to produce the perfect politician for more than 100 years has, if nothing else, produced a very handsome politician.
Physique: 9
George XLIII jogs regularly, and during his presidency he could clock 7.5 minute miles, mile after mile. So whatever else you do, do not challenge him to a foot race, unless you’re prepared to cheat. You probably don’t need us to tell you how to cheat at foot races, but just in case: The trick is to put bees in his shoes.
Charisma: 8
Even for those who would describe his accent as “nails on a chalkboard,” or perhaps “affected,” George XLIII is a friendly and likeable guy. At any social gathering, he is the life of the party. And it is one of the wonders of democracy that voters occasionally decide to put the life of the party in the White House.
Lifelong learner: 7
During his presidency, George XLIII read 14 biographies of Abraham Lincoln. So if you need to get a message to George XLIII, try writing a biography of Lincoln and putting your message in the foreword.
BARACK OBAMA
2009–2017 | Democrat
IF YOU WANT TO LONGINGLY STROKE HIS CHEEK WITH YOUR FINGERTIP, GO AHEAD! NO ONE IS LOOKING. (WELL, OK, A FEW PEOPLE ARE LOOKING.)
If you’re not already familiar with Barack Obama, it’s probably because you just woke up from a long cryogenic slumber. The world must seem like a frightening and unfamiliar place! There’s so much that you’ve missed—where do you even get started? If you want our advice, stop wasting your time on books and start learning how to use Twitter.
Let’s Talk About Clothes
Obama wears only blue or gray suits in order to cut down on the “decision fatigue” that would result from having to start each day with trying to decide whether or not to wear a seersucker suit.
You can cut down on decision fatigue in your own life by throwing away all of your clothes and buying seven identical white bathrobes.
Why You’ll Love Him
He’s cool. You might have noticed that this is the first time that we’ve use the word “cool” to describe anyone in this book.
He’s cool-headed. Just try to make Barack Obama lose his temper. Go ahead—give it a shot! You won’t be able to do it, but at least you’ll have fun tryi
ng.
He’s good with babies. Babies love Barack Obama because they admire his many accomplishments.
PRESS HERE to Hear Barack Obama Singing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together”!
If you can’t hear Barack Obama singing right now, your book must be broken! Don’t return it for a refund though. Just buy a second copy and maybe that one will work.
LOVE STORY
Obama had just started a summer internship at a law firm in Chicago when he first met his wife, Michelle. (Except she wasn’t his wife yet. That would have been weird!) Michelle was an associate at the firm, and she was assigned to be Obama’s mentor. He had to ask her out a few times before she agreed to go on a date with him, because she thought it would be weird if the only two black people at the firm immediately started dating. (For the record, the firm is very quick to point out that there were like four other black people working there.)
Obama wisely planned a first date that would show he has all the qualities that women look for in a man. First he took Michelle to an art museum, so she would see that he is not an art thief. Then he took her to the movies, to show that he is capable of looking up movie listings. Finally he took her out for ice cream, because as long as he was on a date anyway, he figured he might as well try to set a world record for “longest first date.”
Two years later, Obama proposed by taking Michelle to a fancy dinner and arranging for the waiter to put an engagement ring on her dessert plate. (The strong implication being that if she turned him down, she would not receive dessert.)
DIY PROJECT:
LEARN HOW TO TWEET AT BARACK OBAMA
Things have changed a lot since you first stepped inside that icy cold cryogenic chamber. In the world you remember, if you wanted to tweet at Barack Obama you would just stand outside the Illinois Statehouse and yell “Tweet! Tweet! Tweet!” at him on his way into work. Now, thanks to social media, you can do essentially the same thing without having to leave the comfort of your cryogenics lab.
1 Let’s start with the basics. “Twitter” is a “social networking service” where you can publicly post any message (or “tweet”), as long as it is extremely short. For example, you could tweet “Hello world, I just awoke from a long, cryogenic slumber.” But you can’t tweet all of the lyrics to “The Sign” by Ace of Base, even though that’s the last song you can remember hearing as you drifted into unconsciousness. Someone in the lab must have left the radio on, and you could hear it playing faintly through the frosted door of your chamber, like a lullaby singing you to sleep.
2 After you’ve set up a Twitter account, you’ll need to think of what you want to say to Barack Obama. How about “Who are you and what have you done with Bill Clinton?”
Real-Life Rip Van Winkle @CryogenicSleepr @BarackObama WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BILL CLINTON?
3 Now all that’s left is to wait for Barack Obama to respond. Maybe use this time to get caught up on Lost.
4 Hey look, he tweeted you back!
Barack Obama @BarackObama @CryogenicSleepr Forget about Bill Clinton. You don’t need him anymore. I am the only one you need.
5 Wait, is Barack Obama flirting with you?? You should flirt back! Send him another tweet.
Real-Life Rip Van Winkle @CryogenicSleepr @BarackObama I HAVE A LONG WHITE BEARD.
6 OK…so your flirting skills have gotten a little rusty. We’ll worry about that later. In the meantime, Barack Obama just tweeted back:
Barack Obama @BarackObama @CryogenicSleepr I’d like to see that. We should meet IRL.
7 Woah, Barack Obama wants to meet you! See, “IRL” stands for “in real life.” Though it could also stand for “Isamaa ja Res Publica Liit,” the Estonian political party. Maybe you should ask him to clarify.
Real-Life Rip Van Winkle @CryogenicSleepr @BarackObama I SAW THE SIGN AND IT OPENED UP MY EYES I SAW THE SIGN. LIFE IS DEMANDING, WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING. I SAW THE SIGN, AND IT OPENED
8 Uh oh—looks like you panicked and started tweeting all of the lyrics to “The Sign,” the one thing we specifically told you not to do. Maybe Barack Obama won’t notice.
Barack Obama @BarackObama @CryogenicSleepr Never mind. I don’t want to meet someone who doesn’t understand how to use Twitter.
9 Oh well! It’s been a wild ride, but now it’s over. At least you’ve learned some important lessons about Twitter, and also about life. (But mostly about Twitter.)
Here’s a Tip
Barack Obama loves to play Scrabble. And if you want to beat him at Scrabble, it will take more than finally learning the rules of Scrabble. You’re going to have to cheat. In case you’re new to cheating at Scrabble, here are some ideas to help you get started.
1. Hide a dictionary in your bathroom. If Obama wants to know why you’re going to the bathroom every five minutes, just explain that you have diarrhea.
2. Keep some extra Scrabble tiles up your sleeve. You can slip them onto your tile rack whenever Obama leaves the room. If he’s not leaving the room often enough, keep telling him you think you hear a prowler.
DOES HE KEEP HIS
promises?
Pass healthcare reform.
Have you heard of Obamacare? It’s how the government ended up paying part of your maintenance costs during your suspended animation.
Close Guantanamo Bay.
Obama tried to close the infamous military prison at Guantanamo Bay, but he was not successful. Is there more he could have done? Of course. For example, he could have arranged for all of the prisoners to move into Mitch McConnell’s house.
End the use of torture.
Obama ended the use of waterboarding and other interrogation methods we always called torture until we started doing them. Unfortunately, the president does not have the power to end politically convenient redefinitions of the word “torture.”
Bring Republicans and Democrats together to usher in a new age of unity and compromise.
Wait, did this happen? We can’t remember if this happened or not.
Withdraw troops from Iraq.
Obama did withdraw our troops from Iraq. Then he sent some back in because, you know, ISIS. But to be fair, he never promised to withdraw troops from Iraq twice.
Vital Stats
Looks: 9
This is a 10 if you like big ears—which we do, but we know that it’s a controversial position to take.
Physique: 10
Would you like to learn the secret of how Obama stays in shape? It’s a combination of weightlifting and cardio workouts. So now you have no excuse for not being in as good of shape as Obama! If only there were some way to unlearn this secret.
Charisma: 10
The best part of being married to Obama would be making him say “Yes we can” over and over again, whenever you wanted.
Averting financial crisis: 9
Remember back in 2009 when the financial crisis did not turn into a catastrophic global economic depression? Obama wishes that you would remember.
A
GLORIOUS
BOARD GAME
Race your friends to see who is the fastest president!
How to Play:
1. First, you’ll need to obtain a six-sided die and some U.S. coins. (To maintain plausible deniability, please don’t tell us how you obtained them. We don’t want to know!) Each player chooses a coin to use as his or her game piece and places it on the “Inauguration” square.
2. The player with the best political views goes first, followed by the other players in order of “lifetime sexual partners,” most to fewest. (In the case of a tie, knife fight.)
3. A turn consists of rolling the die, moving that many spaces, and following any instructions on the square you land on. This includes instructions other players might have surreptitiously written into empty squares, like “Give Derek your wallet.”
4. Whoever reaches the “End of Term” square first wins the game, because as in life, the best president is always the fastest president. The winner gets to decide
who the other players vote for in the next election.
5. Each coin comes with its own special abilities, as outlined on the next page.
PENNY
If you play as Abraham Lincoln, you can re-roll the die twice per game to reflect Lincoln’s ability to bounce back from political setbacks. It’s also your job to make sure no one “secedes” from the game. That includes bathroom breaks, so you’ll need to take a firm hand.
NICKEL
If you play as Thomas Jefferson, you are allowed one act of brazen hypocrisy per turn. For example, you can write the Declaration of Independence while keeping human beings enslaved, if that’s how things roll at your house.
DIME
If you play as FDR, once per game you can force another player to join the Tennessee Valley Authority. That player loses a turn while they build a hydroelectric dam or something. Also, you’re allowed to “drop a dime” on the other players by literally dropping dimes on them.
QUARTER
If you play as George Washington, you always get the first turn. (Just ignore all of that stuff we said earlier about how to decide which player goes first.) You may also choose to make yourself king and not let any other player have a turn until you die.
HALF-DOLLAR
If you play as JFK, you start the game on the “JFK” space, to reflect how lucky you are to have been born rich and good-looking. You are also allowed to seduce other players, passers-by, or anyone who texts another player during the game.
1782 BIRCH CENT
Oh man … this is embarrassing, but that penny is super old. Gross! Go ahead and mail it to JD and Kate Dobson,c/o Henry Holt & Co., New York, NY, and we’ll send you back a bright, shiny, new penny. That’s just the kind of people we are!
