Oh no. What do I do now? If I don't run to Ryan immediately, he'll be on that bus and then gone. But abandoning Jerry in front of all of these people with no explanation feels wrong.
My thoughts flipped, one to the next.
I spun around.
Jerry's eyes locked onto mine.
Run to Ryan! Don't stop.
I could feel Ryan behind me. It was as if he penetrated my very being. His love called out, seeming to clutch at my core.
My friend from childhood was almost at my side, waving and smiling. I could no longer run away. I only wanted my love and he had mere minutes before leaving for the airport.
Jerry had already reached me.
I had to face him.
He pulled me into a hug.
Each minute with him stole precious time from being with Ryan. Suddenly, minutes seemed to stretch into years.
"Jerry,” I tried to disguise my nervousness. My neck was stiff. My head throbbed with the heaviness of anxiety as it rushed wildly through my body. "I said I’d meet you at the gift shop. I’m uh . . . not done with my business, and . . ." I was out of breath, searching for something that made sense. I wanted to be honest, not abrupt. It was imperative I explained things right way.
He was my lifeline.
A tie to my childhood.
An anchor.
My safe place.
Just say it, Nicky: "I've fallen in love with Ryan."
“I couldn’t wait! I had to see you." Jerry whirled me in a circle. "I knew you’d be coming this way. And here you are!” His eyes darted back and forth with excitement. “Oh damn, Nick, it's good to see you.” He kissed my cheeks several times and without permission, once on my lips.
“It’s great to see you, too, but I'm going to be another hour.” I slipped from under his hug, patted his back and pulled away. The lie on the tip of my tongue tasted bitter. “I have to meet Jose and drop off the agenda for the next series, um—"
“Calm down,” he interrupted. “I'm just letting you know I’m here.” He hugged me again. “Can we step away from the crowd for a minute?"
"I'm sorry but I have to—" Let me be for now!
"Just for a minute." He took my hand and pulled me with him, away from the players' lot and the gate . . . the gate that might have been the opening to everything.
I heard the engine of the Goliaths team bus start.
I knew Ryan had boarded.
I was too late.
Chapter 2
Three Ring Circus
Idared to hope Ryan would wait for me but I knew it wasn't realistic. How could he? The team was off to the airport and their bus would soon clear the lot.
Regardless, I couldn't turn my back on Jerry. I knew how abandonment felt and refused to leave my childhood friend with the same sadness. Both of us had a big taste of being left behind from some of the rough times we'd gone through when we were kids—alone, confused, wondering what had happened.
Jerry took my hand and headed toward the pier. I gave in. I didn't want to make a scene.
"Look!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver ring. "I couldn't wait to show you. Let me put it on your finger." He pushed the ring on. It was designed with two little hands that were linked together. When opened, a heart was exposed underneath them.
Only a few weeks ago, I would have loved this. What have I done? Why wasn't I more decisive? Why didn't I take a stand?
I noticed a thicker, larger, duplicate ring was on his finger. It was a perfect match with mine.
Oh God. Do I take it off and tell him now? How can I, when his intentions were so lovely?
"Do you like it?" His whole body seemed to open with the certainty of a loving answer. "I know it's corny, but . . . will you be my girlfriend?"
If I didn't tell Jerry about Ryan immediately, it would be dishonest. If I did tell him, I knew what I'd face—the hurt in his eyes and the defeat on his body. I wasn't ready for that. Not here, the place where we'd rooted for the Goliaths, sitting in the bleachers together. This was one of our special places. I didn't want to turn it into a nightmare.
"This is very sweet, Jerry. Can we talk about this later? I can't give you the full attention you deserve right now. I'm distracted and I have to go."
"Distracted?" His expression showed what he felt—frustration.
If you can't handle that one, I've got a doozey to lay on you.
"The ring is nice," I was on automatic. "Thank you."
"Nice?"
"More than nice. I'm just in a rush, so . . ."
"I’ll wait for you at the Java House." He kissed my finger. Everything inside of me began twisting. "Try to hurry! I can't wait to begin our evening and spend time together. Finally!" Once again, he embraced me full and tight, and then kissed my lips hard and without my permission.
"I’ll do my best." I squirmed to get out of his arms.
Jerry walked toward the Java House. I stood in place, afraid to move, afraid he'd turn around. When he was out of sight, I took off the ring and shoved it in my pocket. I should have told him. I reverted to the techniques I'd used when growing up to control the rage, the outbursts, keep the peace and calm every situation, rather than risking the raw emotion and spontaneity of life.
Even as one situation was under control, the other was surging away from me. What if Ryan rejected me after witnessing my embrace with Jerry? What if I had watched and waited for Ryan to say he loved me and as I waved, standing and waiting for him, he walked off with another woman? What would I have done? What if he didn't believe me when I finally said the words?
For once, I pushed the possible negatives aside rather than indulge in them.
I rushed to the Goliaths' gate.
The crowd had thinned.
Few people remained to cheer for the players as they prepared to leave for their road trip. I desperately clutched at the thick wire on the gate. Ryan wasn’t there.
Oh no! Ryan won't understand. I want him, not Jerry. Will he ever believe anything I have to say if I don’t get to him before he leaves? If we talk on the phone, will I hear the cold tones of his voice? Maybe this is the final act that pushes him to see other women. How could it not? Jerry kissed me. What a fool I am.
I had to believe that once he saw me, I could reach him. I had to try. It meant stepping up in front of others—his teammates, their girlfriends and wives, and management.
This was my moment—our moment.
Maybe I was kidding myself. Would I look like a fool trying to get Ryan's attention? Worse—would I make Ryan look like a fool? Perhaps he thought he'd done all he could to encourage me to openly express my feelings for him and walking away with Jerry told him I unreachable.
Enough was enough.
A million doubts raced through my mind.
I fought every urge to give into the hopelessness I'd always felt when fearing abandonment. My immediate reaction was to cut him off before he did the same to me. For once, I didn't run.
I didn't give up on what I wanted.
I had to get to him.
Anxiety surged.
Heart slammed in my chest.
My knees shook.
I felt as if I would crumble to the ground.
Forced myself to be brave.
One more goodbye.
I had to say it.
Ryan.
These were my baby steps—the first steps I needed to take in order to kick down the barriers that surrounded my whole family. Here was my beginning to a journey of learning to trust and opening the first link in the chain that held my family in paralysis, fear and dysfunction.
I took a stand to purposefully live my life the way I'd always dreamed I could rather than what I thought was best or how others felt was best for me. For once, I wanted to be selfish. I was ready to cast aside the possible reprimand from the Goliaths' management. As soon as I stepped on the lot management would know everything.
As little girls, Jenise and I had been desperate for Mom to read us bedtim
e stories, tuck the blankets under our chins, brush and lovingly caress our hair. We dreamed every day that she would come to us and tuck us in bed to make sure we were safe. I waited for her to peek in on me at night—just once.
It never happened.
I was tired of waiting for possibilities.
I needed to be my own storyteller and begin directing my life down the path I wanted. I was done with leaving it to chance, always hoping for the best. This was my time to shower Ryan with love. No obstacle would stand in my way. Not even myself—especially myself.
"Hi, I'm with the cheer team," I announced to security. The guard was planted firmly at the inside of the gate and obviously had orders not to let anyone inside. "I need to speak with Ryan Tilton about a charity event. Here's my ID."
“Mr. Tilton is already on the bus,” he replied stoically. “I'm sorry, you’re too late. I'm clearing this area now so they can roll out of here.”
“No! You don’t understand,” I pleaded. “This is incredibly important. He needs this information immediately."
"Tell me and I’ll give him the message,” he offered.
“I’m not comfortable with that,” I quickly countered.
“No one is allowed inside the gate.” He crossed his arms. “Our insurance . . . it's too big a liability. I’m sorry."
“I'm not a fan. I cheer here and I have an important memo for him. I'm telling you . . . begging, please, he needs this information. Please, he's waiting and—"
"Okay," he put his hand on my shoulder. "I hear you. If you want him to get your message, give it to me. I'm only fifty-feet from the bus," he nodded toward it. "I promise that I'll walk it over right now. You can even watch me deliver it."
"Forget it.” The tears flowed. "I worked so hard on this, and he needs—"
"I'm sorry. I can see this is important to you." Compassion surrounded his words. "If I let you pass it could mean my job."
I turned to walk away.
There was nothing more I could say.
My head was down.
I felt the despair push through my body.
Why did I spend so much time listening to Jerry? I should have thrown his feelings aside.
Suddenly, the bus let out a huge “burp.”
I spun around.
The door opened.
Ryan walked down the steps.
I hesitated.
He hesitated.
I waved.
He returned the wave.
He stepped onto the player's lot . . .
Chapter 3
Losing Control
“Let her pass!” Ryan shouted.
Security opened the gate.
I pushed through.
Rushed into his open arms without hesitation.
Our souls were new.
You and I became us.
The tips of his fingers connected then lifted, crawled and then danced on my back. I felt as if he had claimed me as his woman. Were sparks igniting around us? I closed my eyes and there they were—everywhere! I tucked my head into his chest. My hands grabbed his jacket, making fists with the brown suede material between my fingers.
"Kiss me, Nicky."
I lifted my head, my cheeks wet and my eyes teary. His head tilted and his eyes closed. I knew his kiss was mine. I wanted to watch everything he did before his lips took me into their tender kiss. His mouth opened, waiting for me to open with him. It seemed he sucked in a breath to prepare to love me. His body softened, letting mine fill every masculine valley.
This kiss, his kiss, my kiss, was our kiss—and maybe our future.
When I closed my eyes, the sweetness of two came together. Our bodies melted into each other. Like some distant storm gathering, his soft moans grew louder and stronger. My cheek felt the vibration of the low, deep, and sensual satisfaction of love.
His heart beat steadily.
Thumped.
With mine.
Against me.
He swallowed.
Trying to catch his breath.
I gave myself over to his gravity.
A deep groan matched the passion of his kiss, igniting every tingle in my belly. Drowning, tumbling and twirling, immersed in our emotion, his hands rubbed my back, heavy, grasping for more and lightly tracing his design to a planned destination where love flourished.
I opened Ryan's jacket and circled my arms around his waist, squeezing as hard as I could. His masculine body was in my arms. My feminine body was his, alive, playing a lovely composition made from golden light.
"You saw me," I sighed in relief.
"I’ve seen you for over a year," he whispered.
Our souls, bursting with the brilliance of streaming light, celebrated our new bond of love. I pushed my body against him, compressing myself into each part of his body. For that moment, I was sure every pulse, every thought and every heartbeat were in tune and one love.
"Oh, Ryan." I looked up at him and quickly buried my head into his chest again. "I'll miss you . . . bad. So bad."
"What about management?" His arms tightened around me. "Earlier, you said—"
"I don't care anymore," I blurted. "I'm done hiding, pretending, waiting—I don't care! Cathy, you know the usherette? She was, she, she . . ." Scattered and sobbing, I tried focusing enough to tell him how my heart had overflowed with love for him.
"What are you trying to tell me, Nicky?"
"She said she could—" Tears trickled down my cheeks. I tugged on his jacket as if holding on for my life.
"What did she say?" His big hands caressed my hair.
"She could see we were more than friends. She's rooting for us. It felt . . . I felt validated. Of course I've known it. I know it's been tough being with me, but I'm ready to jump in with you now. Pull me in. Lead me. Let's float on the ocean together while we hold hands and then soar across a star-filled sky. Drown me in love! I'm in love with you, Ryan! I love you!" All the emotions I'd kept inside had come unleashed.
"I'm in love!" I was in hyper-drive. "From the moment you kissed my hand. That kiss . . . I felt your thirst. Your invisible message went right through me. If management fires me, then they do." I tried to reassure him—and myself—that I knew exactly what I was doing. "I love you and want to kiss you in front of everyone. I don't care."
He reached for my hands—the same hands I'd used to hold on to the edge of a cliff my entire life. Hands that tried to control when or if I'd let another person come close enough to make an intimate connection; hands that now rested gently around Ryan's thick neck.
His arm moved to the back of my head and pulled me into his essence. His lips were ready to touch mine once more.
The bus driver honked the horn.
Time was counting down.
Undeterred, our bodies used the unwelcome warning to accelerate our desperate urgency. Within the shattered air, his kiss wove together every hope I ever had about letting the silky softness of love in my heart.
All of the energy I'd used as a roadblock to stop the vulnerability of love, vanished. The steel walls of defense broke open. It felt glorious and amazing. I could almost hear the judgments and jaded views I'd stuffed down from my childhood smash together inside me. Tired of putting up a front to keep the peace, I let them break apart and radiate into a gorgeous rainbow of faith.
A permanent fog had lifted.
It was clear now.
I was clear.
"I'm sorry," I sniffed.
"For?"
"I know your teammates will tease you," I grabbed his shirt. "I needed to—had to—get to you. I just . . . I had to tell you. Face to face."
"You're the woman I love. You've come to me to with an open heart. Do you really think I give a damn what my teammates say? You're all that matters, my sweet enchantress." His hand cupped my cheek. "I love it when your green eyes sparkle so brightly when you look up at me." His eyes scanned mine. “We're breaking through all of our walls, taking them down brick by brick. Do you feel that, too?"
&nbs
p; "Yes." I could barely speak.
"Soon you'll open to me in every way." His confidence flowed through me.
"I want you to be in my life," I said hoarsely. "I want to be in your life."
"It's been agonizing waiting to hear you say you love me." We broke our embrace. When he smiled, I could see hope reflected in his eyes. "You can't imagine how I feel right now. Please try to come to a few of our road games. Are you as desperate for me as I am for you?"
"The way you feel me so intimately, you must know I am." I was suddenly aware of how I had started to relax. "That's why I'm here. The need to tell you came on so suddenly. When I let go, everything poured out of me and . . . I'm so sorry I waited this long to tell you."
He kissed me again. Every nerve seemed alive. I could even sense the pulse of the tips from his fingers as they gently pulled at my hair. Inviting me to come deeply into love, his other hand moved up and down my back reverently, as if our moment was precious.
"I want to come on this road trip with you," I trembled with renewed determination. "As soon as I get home, I'll ask Jenise if she can go with me. All I want is you."
The horn blared again.
We knew the bus driver and the team had lost their patience.
It was time for him to leave me.
"They can wait," he reassured. "Just let me know when you want to join me. I'll make the arrangements. Oh, my baby." His arms found their way around me once again. "I can't let go."
"Don't leave me yet, Ryan. Please, not yet." I looked at the bus as the enemy it was. The thought of somehow slashing the tires crossed my mind. "Just another minute; please."
It seemed all the parts of my body had something to let go of as I held onto his arms. My emotional dam was collapsing. My feelings rushed over the well-built walls that had once protected me. These barriers had been the only way I knew to survive my family's dysfunction. Struggling too long in the twisted waters of addiction, I was ready to break from their rip tide and was overcome. The sea was finally calming its harrowing waves.
I burst into tears and heavy sobs, grieving for all the wasted and lost moments that could have been precious with my father, my mother, and my sister.
None of us would ever get them back.
AMAZING HEART (Broken Bottles Series Book 4) Page 2
