Nancy reminded her of when they had agreed to leave for the airport that evening. Holly was saying good-bye when she heard the slow rumble of a motorcycle. The pitch seemed familiar. Her spine stiffened as she realized the sound came from directly in front of the house.
She hurried back to her cottage. Her thighs remembered the vibration of the bike. If it was Reyna… It couldn’t be. Reyna had asked Holly to go, without tears or apparent regrets. She was free of the trap she had been in, and Holly accepted that Reyna had no reason to pursue anything with her. She was no longer required to find comfort with just anyone who happened to agree to go to a motel with her.
She was closing the door when the bike turned into the driveway. The vision of Reyna in her long, leather jacket shattered her composure. What could Reyna want? Not… not anything Holly could possibly give her.
The bike suddenly ceased its rumble. Holly realized that Flo and Nancy would have heard it. They’d be wondering who Reyna was and why she was sitting on a motorcycle outside Holly’s cottage. Not that it would take a mathematician to discern the answers.
She opened the door. Reyna was hooking her helmet onto one handlebar. She looked up as Holly stepped into the sunshine.
Holly thought Reyna wanted to say something. She knew she should speak, be civil, ask her to come inside. But anything could be construed as an invitation for more, and she didn’t want Reyna to think that was all she was. She was more than a hungry, eager woman, and she wasn’t thinking only about how to get Reyna naked and into bed, and quickly. Oh damn.
She took a step forward just as Reyna did, then another, and faster, until her arms were around Reyna and Reyna’s mouth was on hers. The kiss rocked her like the first one had, like every kiss since. It shocked her breasts, her toes, her heart, and she gave herself over to it without reservation.
It mattered more, this time, that she was acting in conflict with decisions she had made. Her mind had more strength of will than before, and she finally lifted her head, intending to say that her future was in Australia.
Reyna murmured, “I didn’t mean to start here, but every time I see you I want to kiss you first thing. But I came here to talk. About us.”
“There’s an us? You wanted me to leave, so I did.”
“I didn’t want you to leave, but it was necessary.”
“Why?” Then she kissed Reyna again because she couldn’t stand having her so close and not be kissing her.
Their mouths tangled and teased. Holly realized she was panting.
“You had to go. If you had stayed I would never have let you leave again. You’d have been discovered by the media.” She gestured at Flo’s garden. “They’d have trampled all this while waiting for a glimpse of you, or the chance to ask you vapid questions about me. I wanted to spare you that, if I could.”
“Oh.” That had not occurred to Holly as a possible reason for Reyna’s behavior. “I wasn’t… I didn’t know if…” She kissed her again, lips so soft and somehow taut, pressing against her own with a firm intention that made Holly tremble. She remembered those lips moving in more intimate places.
Reyna’s tongue began to tease hers, hinting at what might be possible if they went inside. Holly could feel yes building in her again, and didn’t want it to be this way. She searched her desire and she wanted Reyna in every way she could imagine, but if it all happened she would still want more. But there was no more than the sex.
“You’re going to Australia,” Reyna murmured. “I had to see you before you left.”
She didn’t know how Reyna found out, and ought to have been at least a little bit outraged that someone had been snooping into her personal affairs again. But she was also oddly touched that Reyna had cared enough to find out what she was doing. Reyna’s hands were like fire through her shirt. Holly loved the sensation. She wanted to have it again and again, but she was going away. From far off, sounding kissed and eager for more, she heard herself say, “There’s a good chance I might be able to get a scholarship to do part or all of my master’s studies there.” She swallowed, wanted Reyna’s fingers on her lips. “I don’t have to go.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Reyna said. “Of course you have to go.”
Two mutually exclusive emotions swamped her, making it hard to think. She was angry that Reyna did not want her to stay and relieved that Reyna understood and supported how important it was for her to go. “I know. I don’t want to get on the plane right now. But when I wake up tomorrow I might feel differently.”
Reyna blinked back tears. “I know hardly anything about you. I can’t believe that you still respect me after what I’ve done”
“I understand why.”
“I want you,” Reyna said brokenly. “Can we go inside? I understand there’s no tomorrow. Do you have a few hours?”
“Yes,” Holly said, glad she was already packed. She pulled Reyna after her and they twined behind the closed door, eager and hungry, hands unbuttoning and easing zippers down until they were skin to skin, need to need.
It was what she wanted, but the pressure of time was too much for Holly. Her tears would not hold back. Abruptly, she realized they were mingling with Reyna’s. “I can’t go.” She cried into Reyna’s shoulder.
“I won’t let you give up this chance. You have to go.”
“Come with me, then.”
“I want to. I have no job now, just a strong desire to write about the disgusting people I helped and why I did it, and the truth about how ex-gay ministries are run.” Reyna stroked Holly’s face as if she would never stop. “I have to get all of that out of my system. I can do that anywhere. Australia with you sounds like heaven … oh …”
Holly brushed her fingers over Reyna’s breasts, then her mouth was on them, eager for the way they seemed to swell when she kissed them. It was such a brilliant vision, to explore a new land and a new future with Reyna.
But she knew that Reyna couldn’t leave Irvine. When she could bear not to be tasting Reyna’s skin, she whispered into her neck, “Your mother needs you. I understand.”
“She’s dying,” Reyna answered softly. “I spent these past years fighting the desire to know when it would happen. I hated myself for it. I can’t let anything put me in that place again.”
“I don’t want to do that to you. I won’t go.”
“I won’t let you stay. I have no right to stand in the way of your dreams.”
Holly fought back the tears, her heart still fighting with her head. It was a seventeen-hour flight. Not exactly a weekend jaunt that either of them could hop on even once a month. She had wondered how what she felt for Reyna was different than the impetuous emotions that had led to a dead end with Clay, and now she knew. Reyna wanted her to become who she dreamed of being. That Reyna would let her go away made her want to stay.
Stay or go the equation of her future wanted solving. She had all the information she needed. Reyna was kissing her again, her mouth suggesting so many sensations that Holly could not resist. She offered what she could, having grown up enough to finally understand that dreams have no substitutes. “I have a few hours,” she murmured. “The bedroom is upstairs.”
Reyna gasped. “Thank you,” she said, and followed her up the stairs, never letting go of her hand. They didn’t let go of each other for a minute, not once, always touching, prolonging the connection that would be too soon severed. Their tears became a part of the way they loved each other for the few hours they had. Holly tried to make them enough, but no matter how she constructed the formulas, they did not add up to tomorrow.
16
Holly, four Months Later
“Anything to declare?”
Holly handed over her itemized list. She had a lot of souvenirs after four months, everything from clothing to books to an awesome aboriginal mask that she knew Audra would like.
She was tired in every pore. The seventeen-hour flight was grueling, even with three movies and comfortable seats that reclined almost enough for
proper sleep. Her MP3 player batteries had died two hours ago, but she doubted that even the Gypsy Kings at full volume could perk her up.
She used a credit card to pay the duties on her declaration and slung her backpack onto her shoulder. With effort she got the luggage cart moving, precariously balancing her suitcases and the extra boxes she had brought with her.
Nancy had e-mailed that everything was fine in her cottage. The weather was all southern California summer, hot and glorious. Through the thick airport glass she could see that it was true, but she had left behind the mild beginnings of the Australian autumn. Her eyes wanted vivid blue sea, too, and a sky that was open and immense overhead. It was confusing to her body, but bodies were meant to adapt. She would still have strawberries whenever she wanted them.
If everything went as planned, Nancy would be waiting at the curb to take her home. If anything had come up since the last time they had connected, it would be Tori waiting.
Thoughts of Tori made her grin. Tori’s last e-mail had relayed amusing news. Murphy finally got hooked, and by an Irvine professor she had apparently been in love with for some time. The professor was divorcing her husband and she and Murphy were living together. Tori and Jo had gone out of their way to forward articles and links to the latest stories and events, but that bit of gossip had been by far the most salacious.
The brief moment of glee was overrun by jet lag as she propelled the cart up a long incline toward the front of the terminal. She was going to have to find a way to travel with less stuff, that was plain. When she went back, after four months in the States, she did not want to be lugging around so much junk with her.
After discussing it at length with Audra, using the wonder of private chat rooms, she had decided that U.C. Irvine would be the university of record for her master’s program. Audra’s sensible advice had been a godsend, and worth every bit of trouble she and her new partner had gone through to get her online. Audra had been suspicious of computers, but was now addicted. Holly still couldn’t find anything dehumanizing about it her laptop and modem allowed her talk to Audra once or twice a week. They were more connected, not less. They had so much time to make up for.
She had to take a minimum number of courses at Irvine, though her work with Professor McKay in Australia would also provide a lot of her course credit. She had turned down several offers from other universities because she wanted to be here, in Irvine, for a while.
She had not had any contact with Reyna, and had not expected any. What was the point of keeping in touch when just being friends wasn’t a possibility? They had parted in tears, not wanting to give or take more than the other could honorably afford.
When she finally got her Internet access set up and started receiving e-mail again, she’d found scads of articles forwarded by Jo, all about Reyna’s coming out and the subsequent frenzy surrounding her father’s possible presidential campaign. Only then did she really understand what Reyna had spared her by sending her away from the hospital. For a few weeks after the big announcement Reyna did television and radio interviews. Holly was even able to download streaming video of one. And only then did she realize that she did not really know who Reyna was.
She had never seen this poised, cool woman, who listened calmly while interviewers asked pointed, personal questions. Reyna appeared to be firmly on the path to her new future. They’d made no promises. She was meeting a lot of new people, Holly theorized. There was no reason for Reyna to remember her as more than a body.
She told herself that hard fact, over and over, and tried to make herself believe it. The articles about Reyna had finally fizzled out. There had been no news of her for two months.
Holly had sometimes forgotten about her, when she was deep into the other thing that she loved. After several weeks of looking at the data already accumulated on Ramsay 5,5, she had made her prediction about what its value would be, based on laborious work with the formula she’d suggested in her high school paper. Only time would tell if she had got it right again.
Then she had left Ramsay numbers behind and submerged herself in the joy of chaos theory and the universe of randomness, where it seemed her best instinctive efforts were centered. The goal of mathematics was to reduce randomness, to shine knowledge on uncertainty, to quantify what could not even be described. Professor McKay wanted her to concentrate solely on conceptual theory, but she had not forgotten her strong desire to teach. She still wasn’t quite sure what she would do. In the meantime, she would divide her time between home and Australia, and never flinch from the future she had chosen.
There were nights, however, when she had left behind the endless puzzle-posing and dart games of her fellow students, and she had gazed up at unfamiliar constellations. With two mirrors, the horizon and a star map she could tell exactly where she was. She longed to know where Reyna was, who she was with, if she was happy. Reyna could not see these stars, she knew that, and yet she had felt an inexplicable pull inside her, as if a thread in her heart had been forever caught by Reyna. She would wonder if Reyna was looking up at the sky then, wondering where Holly might be.
She stopped the cart for a moment, out of breath and yawning. She wished someone would invent a transporter that first and foremost transported weary travelers from airports to home in the blink of an eye. Of course, if they could do that, she mused, there would be no need for airports. When she got home she would shower and sleep, and then she would somehow track down Reyna. Just call her, just say, “Hi, it’s me,” and see what happened. She would never forgive herself for not trying.
It was vivid in her mind, the way she had willed Reyna to look up that night in the bar. Her head was suddenly full of Reyna, and she didn’t fight it, now that she was home.
She was about to muscle the cart back into motion when she shivered. Gooseflesh dusted her arms. She seemed to hear a voice, longed-for, whispering in her ear. “Look up,” the voice said, “it’s me.”
It was a startling sensation and might have been the product of her weariness and wishful thinking. She wasn’t used to hearing voices that suggested actions to her, like looking to her left, to the bare stretch of wall just beyond the airport lounge, past the blue awning, not that way, back to the left, that’s right
She was caught by those eyes and their melting light. There was no air, nor did she need any.
Reyna had cut her hair. Wearing blue jeans with a simple shirt, she looked about as far away as she could get from the tight-spined woman being interviewed on television. Her mouth curved in a smile of greeting, but more than that, it seemed to relax after the smile, as if happiness of a sort had found her. The lines of strain had been replaced by the beginnings of laugh lines.
Reyna walked quickly toward her, then slowed as she reached the cart. She seemed about to stop a polite distance away but then she kept going, stepping so close that Holly could smell her skin and hair and a faint hint of a complicated cologne.
“Welcome home.”
“I… Why are you here?”
“There’s no such thing as coincidence. You told me that,” Reyna said. “I remember everything you’ve ever said to me.”
She wanted Reyna to kiss her. It was as if the last four months had been a day. They were sharing air, sharing light. She tried not to close her eyes and raise her mouth with a hunger that seemed to know no propriety. “How did you know when I’d arrive?”
“I had help. A friend.”
Whoever it was, she wanted to give thanks. “How is your mother?”
“Her condition has deteriorated somewhat, but not as rapidly as we feared. The pain management has improved and we’re able to spend a lot of time together every day, reading, watching old movies.”
“I’m glad.” She swallowed hard and caught herself before her gaze had lingered overlong on Reyna’s breasts. They made her ache with thirst.
“She wants to see you.”
“I’ll be happy to visit.” What about you, she wanted to add. Do you want to see me? Of
course, she does, silly, why else would she be here?
Reyna was standing so close. Her shoulders were rising and falling more rapidly now, and Holly realized that Reyna was staring at her mouth. The trembling between her legs was back. Two minutes and she was a mess. No, not a mess. A mess was chaos and she was not random. She knew exactly what the resolution to her need was.
She could only think about how she’d forgotten the shape of Reyna’s hands and the way her body moved. Forgotten the taste of her but not the softness of her mouth. She had forgotten the sensation of Reyna inside her, but not the blazing ecstasy that followed.
“Where do you go from here?” Reyna sounded far too casual.
“Home. A friend is meeting me.” She ought to be pushing the cart toward the front of the terminal. Nancy was no doubt wondering where she was.
“And after that?”
“To bed.” It was an invitation Holly knew it as she said it.
Reyna’s voice was low from an intensity of emotion that Holly felt as a wave of heat. “I don’t have any right to ask for anything from you.”
Fiercely, Holly said, “Ask for what you want.”
“May I have tonight? If there is no one who’s expecting you?”
“Is that all you want?” Holly fought the urge to unbutton her blouse. She wanted to give herself to Reyna, the way she had that first night. Naked, without reservation.
Reyna shook her head.
“Ask for what you want.”
Reyna had tears in her eyes, which shimmered like melting ice. The dark distance was gone and the thaw seemed permanent. “I want tomorrow,” she said.
“Is that all you want?” Holly put her hand on Reyna’s neck, slowly moving around to the back of it, pulling her head down even more slowly. Their lips were inches apart. “Ask for what you want. Don’t you know that I’ll give it to you?”
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