by Lacey London
‘Hmm.’ I reply, not really agreeing with her.
There must be something about having children that women of our age find so appealing. As I am pondering what it is about babies that make females want to go to hell and back to get one, my thought bubble is burst by Lianna’s tipsy voice.
‘Plus, you can’t drink wine for nine months.’
The thought of going wine free for almost a year makes me want to have my tubes tied immediately. ‘Good point.’
‘Refill?’ She asks, waving around the half empty bottle.
‘Most definitely.’
I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit... but the damn bottle just won’t open!
December 9th
Today is going to be a good day. That is what I told myself when I rolled out of bed this morning, but with each hour that passes I have been proven to be very, very wrong. From splashing bleach in my hair whilst cleaning the bathroom to running out of petrol on the way to Lianna’s house viewing - it’s safe to say that today hasn’t gotten off to the best start. Now that we have eventually been refuelled and had a much needed shot of caffeine, we are finally on our way.
‘I don’t know why we are even bothering.’ Lianna grumbles from the back seat. ‘If this morning is anything to go by then this house is bound to be a disaster.’
‘Where’s that positive attitude we talked about?’ Oliver squints at her through his rear view mirror and flashes her a wink.
Li mumbles something under her breath and we both pretend not to hear. Turning around to face her, I smile sympathetically. It’s not just me that has had a bad day. With the hairdresser fully booked in the run up to Christmas, Li decided to give her fringe a quick trim herself. Needless to say it didn’t go very well. Her usually soft sweeping fringe has been hacked down to nothing more than a choppy stump at the side of her face. Trying not to laugh as she attempts to slick it back with a handful of bobby pins, I run my fingers through my own tangled mane. With my spontaneous blonde streak and her disastrous DIY job, we must look a right pair.
I really hope that this house is what she is looking for. Although I have to admit that I’m not getting my hopes up. With her birthday drawing ever closer, it would make turning thirty a whole lot easier for her knowing that she doesn’t have to sofa surf any more. With Oliver and I being happily married, it makes seeing Lianna hit rock bottom even harder. I almost feel guilty for having my own life in order whilst hers falls spectacularly apart. On a brighter note, Marc and Gina are planning a surprise birthday party for her before they leave for Australia! I haven’t told Oliver yet as I don’t want to be worried about him letting the cat out of the bag. Normally I share everything with my husband, but there is no way that he would able to keep this one a secret. I’m finding it difficult myself to be honest.
Turning up the heaters in an attempt to warm up my cold hands, I watch slightly mesmerised as tiny snowflakes land on the windscreen. One good thing about today is that we have Oliver with us. Driving in the snow has always made me feel a little anxious, so when he offered to be our chauffeur I jumped at the chance. The plan is to check out Lianna’s potential new pad and then hit the shops to get our Christmas gifts sorted. As usual it didn’t take more than the promise of a little retail therapy for me to sign up, although Oliver’s intentions were a little less selfish.
‘Thanks for doing this.’ I whisper, giving his knee a gentle squeeze.
I know that traipsing around the shops with two women is Oliver’s idea of hell, so I really appreciate him giving up his golfing weekend to help us out. Little does he know that I don’t intend on going home until I have bought each and every present on my list. Given that my list isn’t exactly short and sweet, I think it’s best that I keep that last part to myself, at least for now anyway...
* * *
She has to like this place, it’s almost impossible not to. I glance at Oliver who is braving the cold to explore the gardens and nodding appreciatively. After a morning from hell, none of us were expecting much from this property, but it’s actually pretty big and the interior isn’t that bad at all. Yes, it needs a little TLC, a lick of paint here and there, but what property doesn’t? I run my hand over the ornate fireplace and try to imagine this place dressed up for Christmas. I picture a huge tree in the bay window with twinkling fairy lights and greeting cards on every surface. This is the one, I know it. Hearing Lianna coming down the stairs with the estate agent, I try to get the gist of their conversation.
‘Clara?’ Li smiles broadly and motions outside. ‘Can I talk to you for a moment?’
I nod in response and zip up my coat before following her to the back door.
‘Well?’ I ask, the second that we are out of earshot.
‘I love it!’ She smiles, her eyes sparkling as she takes a step back and looks up at the house. ‘I think it’s pretty much perfect.’
‘This is so exciting!’ I clap my hands together excitedly and pull up my hood to protect my ears from the wind. ‘When can you move in?’
‘The house has been empty for almost a month so I can move in right away.’
‘Yay!’ I let out a squeal and pull her in for a hug. ‘See, I told you that the best things happen when you least expect it.’
‘You did.’ She agrees as we make our way back inside. ‘And the best part is that the owner ultimately wants to sell the property. They have offered me a twelve month lease to test the place out with a view to buy next year.’
‘That’s fantastic!’ I squeal. ‘It must be fate.’
‘What is?’ Oliver interjects, appearing from the conservatory.
I let Lianna fill him in on the good news and smile as he gives her a celebratory high five. Nothing makes me happier than seeing two of my favourite people laughing and joking. Well, apart from cocktails and food. My stomach rumbles loudly and I suddenly realise that in the chaos of this morning we haven’t eaten a thing all day.
‘It looks like we’re getting our spare room back.’ I announce, as Li skips off to sign the lease. ‘I think this calls for a celebration!’
‘Does this mean that we can forget about the shopping?’ Oliver’s eyes glint hopefully as he looks down at his watch.
‘Not a chance...’
* * *
Stumbling out of the crowded shopping centre clutching a mountain of carrier bags, I look down at my shopping list and breathe a sigh of relief. After five hours of epic retail therapy, I have finally crossed almost every name off my list. Feeling pretty satisfied that our hard work has paid off, I rub my cold nose and bury my chin into my scarf. I think it is safe to say that today has been a massive success after all. Glancing at Lianna, a slight smile plays on the corner of my lips as I listen to her discussing interior design options with Oliver. Oh, I do love it when a plan comes together.
Glancing at my watch, I am shocked to see that it is almost 9.00pm. If I don’t eat soon, I think I am going to pass out. Running around a manic shopping centre in sub zero temperatures on an empty stomach is not a good idea. On the plus side, being slightly delirious from hunger has made making snap decisions on gifts a whole lot easier. My usual procrastination over even the smallest purchase has been replaced with a manic snatch and grab manoeuvre, which sees me throwing items into my basket without a second thought of the price. God help my bank balance.
‘I think I am all shopped out.’ Lianna yawns loudly as a flustered woman pulls down the shutters to a department store.
‘Thank God!’ Oliver sighs, rolling his eyes. ‘Christmas is supposed to be the season to be jolly, not the season to be subjected to torture.’
‘Don’t be so dramatic.’ Playfully punching him in the arm, I motion towards a Mexican eatery and bite my lip hopefully. ‘I don’t suppose anyone’s hungry?’
Thankfully, I don’t even need to wait for them to answer. The second those words escape my lips they immediately start running towards the restaurant. Not wanting to risk falling on the icy road, I shake my head and tread care
fully across the snow. By the time that I have pushed my way inside, Oliver and Li have secured a cosy booth at the back of the busy restaurant. Shaking off my coat and mittens, I dump my bags under the table and reach for the menu. Luckily, Lianna has already taken the liberty of ordering a round bubbles. Unfortunately for Oliver, the only bubbles he will be having are those in his Pepsi. My stomach grumbles as I eye up the menu and order a full three courses. Convincing myself that I will start the diet tomorrow, I kick back in my seat and dive into the complimentary nachos. My fingers are like icicles as I dunk a nacho into a huge mound of sour cream.
The waitress places our drinks down on the table and Oliver immediately proposes a toast. ‘To our dear friend, Lianna. May 2016 be your best year yet.’ He flashes her a wink and holds out his Pepsi.
‘To Lianna.’ I echo, raising my glass and clinking it against theirs.
Li’s cheeks turn a deep shade of pink as she takes a sip of the frosty bubbles and smiles in embarrassment. Feeling a little sorry for Oliver and his measly pint of Pepsi, I switch our glasses around and inform him that I will be the designated driver for the night. It hardly seems fair that we have dragged him around the shops and now we are going to drink yummy cocktails in front of him. Lianna’s eyes glisten with excitement as she pulls out her house brochure and proceeds to flips through the pages. At last I can start to relax and enjoy the festivities. Lianna is finally getting back on her feet and I have pretty much done with my Christmas gifts. Feeling quite pleased with myself, I pull off my scarf and turn to face Lianna when Oliver’s phone vibrates on the table.
‘Excuse me.’ Picking up the handset, Oliver squeezes his way through the loud restaurant, leaving Lianna and I alone.
‘I’m so relieved that you have found somewhere to live.’ I flash her a bright smile and take a sip of my drink.
‘Why? Were you and Oliver going to throw me out too?’ She laughs and sticks out her tongue, but I know that she is only half joking. ‘Seriously, thanks for having me these past few days. It really means a lot to me that you guys put up with me when no one else will.’
Taking her hand in mine, I feel a lump form in my throat. ‘You don’t need to thank us. I know that you would do the same for me.’
‘Well, I don’t know about that. If I had to spend another night listening to your snoring I think I would have to kill you.’
‘What?’ I retort. ‘I think you will find that the snoring is not me.’
Lianna raises her eyebrows and shoots Oliver a smile as he slides back into the booth next to her. ‘Everything OK?’
I can tell by the look on his face that everything is not OK. I can also tell by the light dusting of powder on his shoulders that it has started to snow again.
‘Yeah...’ He replies uncertainly.
‘It’s obviously not.’ Laughing nervously, I play with the stem of my glass as he takes a deep breath.
‘That was my mom. Well, actually it was your mom.’
‘OK...’ I catch Lianna’s eye and she looks equally confused.
‘Apparently your parents are in Texas and have been for the past two weeks.’ He runs a hand through his long hair and laughs uneasily.
‘What?’ More confused than ever, I lean over the table to block out any background noise from the other diners. ‘What the hell are my parents doing in Texas?’
‘They have been visiting my parents.’ Shaking his head in disbelief, he takes a swing of his drink. ‘They got some last minute flights to escape the cold and have been kicking back in the sun.’
The thought of my parents together with Oliver’s unsupervised makes me feel queasy. Since my mum met Randy and Janie she has changed considerably. The once prim and proper Rosemary has been transformed into a mini skirt wearing Janie double act. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic that they get along so well. It’s just that I really don’t want them coming back with tongue piercings and matching tattoos.
‘Anyway...’ Oliver’s voice pierces my thought bubble. ‘The reason that they were calling is that they are all arriving together. The formidable foursome will be with us on Wednesday evening.’
My stomach churns as I try to process what he has just said. Both of our parents arriving together. That means double trouble. I had come to terms with Janie and Randy coming this week, but my own parents weren’t meant to be arriving until Christmas Eve. Exhaling loudly, I bite the end of my straw. It’s universally accepted that when one area of your life comes together, the world throws you yet another curveball. Yes, that might sound a little dramatic, but you haven’t met my parents or my in laws...
Christmas is all about having your entire dysfunctional family under one roof and hoping that no one gets arrested.
December 10th
Tugging at the sleeve of my flannel pyjamas, I close my laptop and slide under the duvet. I know that it is December and the weather is supposed to be cold, wet and rainy, but feeling like you are stepping into an igloo whenever you try to leave your bed is not normal. Hearing Lianna pad around in the spare room, I squeeze my eyes closed and snuggle into Oliver’s back. Last night I foolishly agreed to accompany Li to IKEA this morning. Annoyingly, Oliver used his get out of jail free card to go to the gym with Marc. Why anyone would want to go to a gym two weeks before Christmas is beyond me. Christmas is the only time of the year when it is deemed acceptable to eat your weight in chocolate and drink before lunch. Exercise is the last thing on my mind during the festive season. Come to think of it, exercise is always the last thing on my mind.
Oliver suddenly stirs and lets out a low groan. His dark curls hang in front of his sleepy eyes as he stretches out his arms and lets out a huge yawn. ‘Aren’t you going furniture shopping with Li?’
‘Don’t remind me.’ I roll my eyes and stick out my bottom lip in protest. ‘I have done enough shopping in these past few days to last a lifetime!’
‘Just think, the sooner Lianna moves out, the sooner we get our apartment back.’ Oliver’s eyes glint wickedly as he nuzzles his chin into my neck.
Tearing myself out of his arms, I roll out of my bed and push myself to my feet. ‘I think you will find that as soon as Lianna moves out, our parents move in.’
Ignoring Oliver’s groans, I twist my ridiculously long hair up onto my head and try to stop my teeth from chattering. I desperately need a haircut. My usually bouncy, shoulder length curls are now trailing wildly down my back. Normally I would have chopped it off the second it crept past my collarbone, but with it being near freezing outside it acts like a hairy water bottle around my neckline. Yes, it really is that cold. Reaching for my favourite jumper, I quickly pull on my skinny jeans and make for the bathroom, leaving Oliver dozing on the bed.
The bathroom tiles are freezing under my feet as I load my toothbrush with minty paste. Catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror makes me shudder. Winter really is a killer for your skin. The golden glow that I spent so long achieving is nowhere to be seen. I would actually go as far as to say that my skin tone has bypassed porcelain and is now a rather worrying transparent shade. Dracula, eat your heart out.
Popping my toothbrush back into its holder, I splash some water onto my face in an attempt to wake myself up. Lately, no matter how many hours sleep I get, I still wake up like an exhausted troll. Making a mental note to upgrade my anti wrinkle cream, I flick off the bathroom light and collapse onto the bed with my cosmetic case. As Oliver snores gently, I set to work on bringing some life to my dreary face. Thank God for highlighter! I really do not know what I would do without the magical pen that is Touché Éclat.
Once suitably satisfied that I look more like a human and less like a poorly built snowman, I plant a kiss on Oliver’s toasty cheek and wander into the living room. A trail of breadcrumbs across the carpet informs me that Lianna is alive and kicking. Following the mess into the kitchen, I shake my head at the state of what is usually a pristine work space. Empty cartons of milk are strewn across the work tops and a litter of chocolate wrap
pers have been poorly hidden under the Christmas tree. I do love Lianna, but her untidiness drives me insane. Grabbing an empty carrier bag, I begin to clear away the chaos that is the aftermath of a Lianna tornado.
This must be what having a child is like, I think to myself as I remove a dirty sock from the back of the couch. I remember how beautiful Marc’s apartment looked before Madison and MJ arrived. These days, his luxury HD television screen is covered in sticky fingerprints and where his much loved pool table once stood is a huge Donald Duck playpen. I can’t help but think that people who have kids must be crazy. Picking up the offending article with the help of a chewed pen, I toss it into the washing machine and slam the door shut. She really is a pig.
Washing my hands and flicking on the coffee maker, I wander over to the Christmas tree and watch the baubles sparkle under the spotlights. Not long now, I think to myself, fiddling with a piece of tinsel. So much to do and just two short weeks to do it in. I have fifteen days to go and something tells me that I am going to need each and every one of them...
Christmas is cancelled.
Apparently you told Santa that you had been good this year... he died laughing.
December 11th
‘Are you kidding?’ I cross my arms and stare at Marc in disbelief. ‘What if something gets damaged?’ I glance over at Oliver who lets out a little chuckle. ‘I’m being serious!’
‘Clara, it’s a Christmas party for a bunch of thirty something women, not an all out rave in a mosh pit.’ Marc rolls his eyes as he always does when he thinks that I am being dramatic.
‘Erm... thirty something?’ I raise my eyebrows accusingly. ‘I think you will find that some of us are still in our twenties.’ Smiling smugly, I flash Marc a cheeky wink.
