“Please don’t ask me,” she whispers. “Please don’t ask me to talk about that tonight.”
I pause, not sure how to respond. Finally, I press a kiss against her wrist before pulling her hand down to my chest. I cover it there with my own hand, squeezing gently, hoping it makes her feel safe.
“Of course we don’t have to talk about it. Tell me about your apartment. What exactly is hot pink fun fur?”
She relaxes into me again, laughing while she tells me about Paige’s newest obsession.
Eventually, the pauses between our sentences get a little longer, her breathing more regular. “Hey, Karen?” I whisper.
“Hmm?” She’s sleepy now, clearly not afraid to close her eyes anymore.
“All of those guys, the ones who didn’t want to stay?”
She doesn’t say anything, and her shoulders stop moving, like she’s holding her breath, waiting for what I’m going to say.
“Those idiots have no idea what they were missing.”
I can feel her lips curve up into a smile against my skin. “Thank you, Levi.”
“Anytime.”
I manage to stay awake until her breaths become slow and steady. I think I hear a little snore. I grin to myself, finally closing my eyes. I’m asleep within seconds.
***
I wake to dim light coming in from the one small window over the couch. It takes me a second to remember where I am, and why it feels so strange to be in the bed alone.
“Karen?” I murmur, squinting around the room. Her face appears directly over me, her hair hanging down around my head like a halo. She presses a kiss to my forehead.
“I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Where are you going?” I turn my head to look for the clock.
“It’s early. Go back to sleep.”
“Are you leaving?”
She nods. Even through my sleep haze, I can see the regret on her face.
“The girls will be looking for me. Our flight back is this afternoon.”
“Oh.” The thought of her leaving hits me harder than I would have thought. My chest feels hollow, and a wave of let-down washes over me. Like the way I used to feel at the end of summer vacation. Or the day after Christmas.
“I had a really good time, Levi.”
I try to pull myself up into a sitting position, but she presses her hand into my chest. “No big goodbyes, okay?”
I look up into her perfect brown eyes and nod. “Okay.”
She presses a brief kiss to my lips, and I reach up to cup the back of her head.
“My cell hasn’t changed since the tour,” she says. “You could call me.” But her eyes tell me that she knows I won’t. When she leaves this room, she’ll be going back to her life, and I’ll be going back to mine.
The thought of doing that makes me feel sick.
“Thank you, Karen. That was…the best night I’ve had in a long time.”
Her smile is sad. “Me too.”
She presses one last kiss against my mouth, and then she’s gone, leaving only a slight scent of vanilla as proof that she was ever there at all.
I lie awake watching the light through the window change from grey to pink to intrusive, bright yellow. The room looks the way it did last night. Drab, dirty. What had Karen said? Not very colorful. Depressing as hell is more like it, I think.
I’d been in this apartment for a little more than a year. More than three hundred and sixty days of this view. Of no color. And it had been fine. I had even managed to convince myself that I might be happy. But now the thought of another year here, another endless string of nights with the same view, the same work, the same friends—the bleakness of that thought takes my breath away.
And I wonder if I am ever going to be able to get it back.
Chapter Five
Karen
Five Months Later
Paige bangs the door to our apartment open with such force that I jump. “Okay, K,” she announces, ignoring the fact that my head is buried in a book. “We need to talk.”
“Paige,” I say as calmly as I can manage under the circumstances, my eyes glued to my book. “We have discussed this. You don’t interrupt me when I’m studying.”
“Karen,” she moans, tossing her bag onto the couch before joining me at the dining table. “You promised we could revisit the subject after my class.”
Do not look up, I order myself. Do not look up.
“You’re going to have to be patient for a little while longer.”
I don’t add that no amount of discussion is going to change my mind. That would only get her hysterical, and that’s the last thing I need right now. Instead, I do my best to continue on with the chapter I’m reading, tuning out Paige in the process. It’s not easy—she’s stomping around the apartment, slamming cabinet doors, sighing loudly—basically acting like a child trying to get attention. But I’ve had plenty of practice dealing with Paige in this kind of mood.
I finally finish the chapter, feeling a surge of relief when I heave the cover of the heavy textbook shut. This financing class is going to kill me. I’m both dreading and anxious for my final, wanting the class to be over but also terrified that I’m going to fail and end up with a retake in the summer.
My relief at finishing my homework is short lived. No sooner do I shut the book then Paige is sliding into the seat across from me. “Finished now?” she asks brightly, giving me her most encouraging smile. I roll my eyes at her.
“No thanks to you. Could you have been any louder?”
She waves away my lecture. “Karen, school is out in two weeks. We need to get this squared away.”
“Yes, school is over in two weeks. Which means finals are almost here, Paige.”
She looks a little sheepish. “Fucking Finance?”
I nod. We added the curse to the beginning of the course name early in the semester when I realized I would be spending the next four months trying to force my way through the mind-numbingly boring class.
“You’re going to be fine,” Paige says as I push the book away. “You always stress and then you end up killing it.”
“We’ll see.”
She watches me expectantly for a long moment before throwing up her hands. “Well?”
“Paige, I didn’t change my mind in the two hours that you spent in the computer lab.”
“You have to change your mind,” she wails, reaching for my hands. “You cannot leave me all alone for three months.”
I gently extract my hands. “I’m pretty sure you’re the one who’s going to be leaving me alone.”
She scowls across the table. “I don’t want to leave you. That’s why I’m begging so obnoxiously. You have to come with me, Karen.”
I stare down at the table. “I don’t think it’s a good fit for me right now.”
“I don’t believe this. I don’t believe you! The Karen Simpson that I know would never pass up the chance to go on tour with Ransom. Listen to how stupid that sounds—you have the chance to go on tour with a rock band, K. A rock band that you happen to love. And your response is gonna be no? Are you crazy?”
The bud of annoyance that I’ve been carrying so close to the surface these days throbs in my chest. “You know there’s a lot more to it than that.”
“Like what?” Her tone turns sarcastic. “The bus not quite luxurious enough? You couldn’t use the extra money? You don’t like traveling around the country and—”
“I don’t like feeling like a third wheel,” I snap, and her eyes go wide. Shit. I hadn’t meant to say that.
“You’re not a third wheel,” she whispers. “You’re part of the group.”
I’m shaking my head before she’s even finished. “I’m not. If we needed any proof of that, I think we got it in Seattle.”
She winces, and I feel a familiar wave of embarrassment. We hadn’t talked about this too much, but I could tell she knew I was more upset than I let on.
“Cash was an idiot, Karen. He never should
have—”
I wave her apology away. “I’m not upset about Cash.” It’s only partly true. Over Spring Break, I joined Paige in Seattle, where the boys were working on their new album. It hadn’t been entirely surprising when Cash hit on me—he pretty much flirts with anything that moves. When I realized that he was only doing it to get a reaction from someone else, I felt sick. While I don’t have any real romantic feelings for Cash, knowing that he used me to make his girlfriend angry hurt on several levels. None of which I want to talk about right now.
“Paige, I’m just trying to look at things logically,” I tell her instead. “Everyone in that band is pairing up. Even Cash has a girlfriend. I don’t really want to sit around in the background while you and Daisy and Sam cozy up with your boyfriends.”
“You wouldn’t be in the background!” she cries. “When have you ever sat in the background? You’re Karen Simpson, for God’s sake. You’re in the center of every crowd you’ve ever been in.”
I rub at my temples, wishing there was a way to make her drop it. But I know my best friend well enough by now to realize that Paige very rarely drops anything.
“I won’t let you feel left out,” she continues. “I’ll make sure that you have a good time, I promise. Don’t I always?”
I look up into her familiar eyes, so sincere and hopeful. She would do everything she could to make sure I had a good time, boyfriend or no. Paige isn’t happy unless the people around her are happy. It’s one of her best traits.
Even if I do find it completely annoying right now.
“I’m nervous, Karen,” she says softly, her expression more than a little embarrassed.
“About what?”
“This is my first tour as Reed’s girlfriend,” she says, looking away. “You know what the fans say about me online—”
“Idiots say shit about you online,” I growl, my protective streak overriding my annoyance. “Most of the fans love you.”
Her forehead creases in worry. “It’s so much pressure. They take my picture. They shout my name. I don’t know how Daisy does this with everything in her history.”
“You’ve handled it beautifully so far.”
“But this is different,” she cries. “I’ve only been out in public with him a handful of times. This is everyday for months! I need you Karen.”
I groan. “You’re not above guilting me into this, are you?”
She flashes a quick grin, reaching across the table to squeeze my head. “I’m not above anything it takes to get you on that bus with me for the summer.” Her eyes widen. “Don’t you remember the first tour? How much fun we had that summer? It would be just like that, Karen.”
Except it wouldn’t. Things had changed drastically in the two years since Paige and I first joined Daisy on the boys’ tour bus. Paige had no idea how much.
“Will you please just think about it?” she says, leaning forward so I’m forced to make eye contact. Her gaze is pleading, and I feel my resolve weaken. She’s always been able to talk me into anything.
“Why is it so important to you?” I ask.
She looks scandalized. “How can you even ask me that? I don’t want to spend an entire summer away from you!”
“We’ve been apart before,” I point out. “And we survived. It would only be a few months, and then we’d be right back here.” I gesture around the small space. “Living in the lap of luxury for our senior year.”
Paige looks away quickly, but not before I see the stricken expression on her face. My stomach clenches unpleasantly. “Paige? What’s going on?”
When she doesn’t look at me before she starts to speak, I know it’s going to be bad. “I’ve actually been thinking…uh…I might not come back in the fall.”
I gape at her, mind spinning. She’s not coming back?
“What about your degree?” My voice sounds kind of strange in my ears, high-pitched. Almost panicked.
She shrugs. “I could always come back to it later.”
“Paige…why?”
She finally looks at me, and there are tears in her eyes. “It’s really hard being away from him,” she whispers. “They’re going to Europe in the fall, and if that goes well, maybe Asia and South America in the new year.” A single tear drips down her cheek. “I don’t want to miss our senior year, Karen. It will break my heart. But…”
“It’s breaking your heart to be far away from Reed.”
She nods, looking miserable. “We’ve been managing with weekend visits, but if they’re traveling around the world, that’s going to get a lot harder. And it’s not just him. It’s the work, you know? It was so amazing to do the design work for the band last year. I learned more doing that than I have in any of my classes.” She wipes her face, and I can’t help but notice that her tone has brightened considerably since she mentioned the work. My stomach drops another notch. Paige had spent the last semester of our sophomore year doing a design internship with the band. I knew she had loved it, but most of our conversations about the work were overshadowed by the drama of her and Reed’s developing relationship.
“It’s just so frustrating,” she says. “To sit in these classes and go over all of this stuff that I already know. Stuff I actually got experience doing last year. If I went on tour with them…”
“You’d be getting even more real-world experience.” My tone is flat. I can’t argue with anything she’s saying to me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hate it. “I just can’t imagine coming back here without you,” I manage.
Of course, Paige bursts into tears. “I’m so sorry,” she wails. “I won’t do it if you don’t want—”
“Paige,” I interrupt. “Like I’m going to let you give up a good opportunity just because I’ll miss you.” But I will miss you, I think, my chest aching at the very thought. How could I get through my senior year without Paige?
“You’re the best friend ever,” she sobs. “I don’t deserve you.”
Sensing that she’s not going to calm down anytime soon, I pull myself up from my seat to join her on the other side of the table. She falls into my arms, crying about how sorry she is, and all I can do is hold onto her.
“That’s why I want you to come so badly,” she whimpers against my shoulder. “Because if I don’t come back next year, I want to spend this time together.” She pulls away so she can look at me. “I need us to spend this time together. If you don’t want to go on tour this summer, I won’t go, either.”
“That’s silly, you’ve been looking forward to—”
“Spending my summer with you.” She gestures at the books on the table, and a ghost of a smile flitters across her face. “We’ve been roommates for a long time. We can’t let the last hurrah of us living together be studying for Fucking Finance.”
The last hurrah.
I somehow manage a smile. “You have a good point there.”
Her face lights up. “So you’ll come?”
How am I supposed to say no now? I think about him and my stomach clenches. I know that if I tell Paige everything that happened, everything that I’ve tried so hard to keep from her, that she’ll drop this right now. She would never pressure me to come on tour if she knew.
No, I think, feeling hopeless. She would refuse to go herself. And then you would have that guilt to deal with.
“Please, Karen,” she presses. “It really will be so much fun. I know it will.”
“Okay,” I hear myself say. “I’ll come.”
***
I’m amazed that Paige manages to get any studying done over the next two weeks. Her excitement at my capitulation is off the charts, and she spends most of her time making plans, packing, and shopping, while urging me to do the same. Even when I tell her that I have to study, she still finds it appropriate to interrupt me at regular intervals with random questions about the tour.
It’s during one of those interruptions that I decide I’ve had enough. The day before my Fucking Finance Fucking Final, I’m trying to cram as much in
formation into my head as possible while Paige muses aloud about how many sundresses is too many to pack. “I’m going to go to the library,” I finally say, unable to stand it anymore. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”
She at least has the good graces to look sheepish. “I can take off for a while if you’d rather have some peace and quiet here.”
I pat her shoulder as I pass. “Some fresh air will do me good.”
Our apartment is several blocks from campus, but I decide against driving. It’s a beautiful spring day, and I haven’t been able to enjoy the weather at all with all the cramming I’m doing.
At least this will be over tomorrow, I remind myself, looking up at the bright blue sky above. Finals will be done, and I’ll get to spend as much time as I want outside.
Until I get on the tour bus, of course. I scowl at the thought, my mood immediately darkening. Paige was right. It would have been crazy for me to react this way about the chance to tour with Ransom just a few years ago. But a lot has happened in that time.
As if in answer to these dark thoughts, my cell phone beeps in my purse. I pull it out, expecting to see an update from Paige on her sundress conundrum. Instead, I see his name, and I stumble on the flat sidewalk.
I just heard the good news, the text reads. Why didn’t you call to tell me?
Put the phone away, a voice in my head orders. This must be the smart side of my brain reacting to the danger I hold in my hands. Unfortunately for me, the smart side of my brain has never been the loudest.
I’m saved from doing something stupid by the person passing me. I’m right in the middle of the sidewalk, gaping at my phone, causing the girl to have to walk up onto the grass to get around me. Her grumbles about my rudeness rouse me from my shock and get me walking again, the phone firmly clutched in my hand as I try to figure out how to respond.
I had known that agreeing to Paige’s plan for the summer would mean that I would see him again. The knowledge had been one of the biggest reasons I didn’t want to go. Because I knew that no matter what, I had to stay away from him. There were a dozen reasons he was bad for me, a dozen ways any further involvement could end in disaster.
Relent Page 5
