“I’m fine,” I assure him. “Thanks.”
“Thank you, Levi,” he says, voice soft.
I leave him at the top of the stairs and make my way to the door he indicated. I pause with my fist against the wood, gathering up my courage before I knock.
There’s no answer.
I knock again. Nothing. I feel a sudden thrill of fear. What if he… Without thinking of anything but Lennon being in danger, I open the door and stick my head through, my breath caught in my throat.
My old friend is lying on his bed, eyes closed, headphones covering his ears. I release my breath in a slow gust. He’s okay.
“Lennon?”
His eyes snap open and he stares at me, his face shocked. Then a slow smile spreads over his features as he sits up. “You asshole.”
I laugh, shutting the door behind me as I enter the room. “Good to see you too, Len.”
He jumps off the bed and pulls me into a hug. Again I feel a lump in my throat, and I order myself not to talk until I can be sure my voice won’t shake.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, pulling away so he can look at me. Looking at his face after all this time is like a punch to the gut.
“Your dad called me,” I say.
The happiness and surprise melts from his face, replaced by something like annoyance. “Of course he did,” he sighs, running his hands through his hair. It’s shorter than the last time I saw him, no longer touching his shoulders.
The hair isn’t the only change. He looks thin, his face paler than it should be in May. I wonder how much of his time has been spent in this room. The worry is back in my chest.
“He’s worried about you, Lennon.”
“I can deal with it, Levi.” I’m surprised by the snap in his voice. Lennon is generally the mellowest person you could meet, slow to anger—unless his brothers are involved, in which case he’s happy to throw down with the best of them.
“I’m sure you can,” I tell him. “But there’s nothing wrong with getting a little help.”
“And that’s why you’re here? I don’t see you for months—hell, almost two years—and now you come riding in to help poor, fucked up Lennon.” The bitterness in his voice is so strong, I take a step back. “Gotta get Len’s shit together so he’ll be ready for the tour.”
“Hey.” I hold up my hands. “I don’t give a shit about the tour. I didn’t even know you had one planned. I came because your dad said he was worried. And I wanted to make sure you had someone to talk to.”
He seems to deflate in front of me, plopping back down on his bed, his head in his hands. “Sorry, Levi. I’m just tired.”
I grab a chair from the desk and sit in front of the bed, my arms resting on the chair back. “You’re not sleeping.”
He looks away, not meeting my eyes. “Not at all.”
I wince. This is how it started last time. “Have you been to the doctor?”
“You know what they’ll say. They’ll prescribe some drugs and… Well, that’s probably the last thing I need.”
My heart rate increases. This isn’t good.
“What about a different kind of doctor?”
He finally looks up at me, a ghost of his familiar grin on his face. “You scared to say shrink, Levi?”
I scowl at him. “I didn’t want to offend you.”
He laughs. “I’m not offended. Hell, even Cash sees a shrink these days.”
My mouth drops open. “Cash?”
“Oh, yeah. Found himself a girl and just about ruined it with all his crap.” He taps the side of his head at the word crap. “So he started seeing a therapist to get it together so he wouldn’t lose her.”
“Hang on.” I hold up my hand again, trying to make the words make sense in my head. I’m not sure what part of that admission is more shocking, so I seize on the first thing. “Cash has a girl?”
Lennon nods. “Yup. He’s like, head over heels. It’s pretty gross.”
“Shit.” I shake my head. “I think I need a drink.”
Lennon laughs. “It was surprising to everyone. But she’s pretty great. She has a kid—Wyatt. He’s eight.”
The shocks just keep coming. The idea of Cash in any kind of committed relationship, let alone one that involves a kid…
“I know,” Lennon says, laughing. “Believe me.”
“That is too weird,” I mutter, shaking my head. “When did this happen?” Karen hadn’t mentioned this in January, so I’m assuming it must have happened in the last few months.
“After his DUI.”
“DUI?” I move to stand, as if I can somehow help Cash from here. “Is he hurt? Did he hurt someone else? Did—”
“He’s fine, Levi. Messed up a car. Pissed off the label. Normal Cash.” Something I can’t read crosses over his face. “You didn’t hear about it?”
I sit back in my chair. “I haven’t really, um, been following…”
The emotion on his face registers. He looks hurt. I swear under my breath.
“I was supportive of you leaving, Levi,” he says, his voice quiet. “But fuck, man. I didn’t know you were going to just…disappear.”
“I know… I’m sorry, Len.”
There’s a long silence while I concentrate on staring at the floor. “I called you,” he finally says. “Several times.”
“I know.”
Another silence. “What are you doing here, Levi?”
My head snaps up in his direction. He’s looking at me in a way I’ve only ever seen him look at his brothers. Like he’s disappointed.
“I told you—your dad was worried.”
“Yeah, and what about you? ’Cause from where I’m sitting, it looks like you don’t give a shit.”
I draw in a sharp breath. “Of course I give a shit.”
His eyebrows go up. “Really? You have a funny way of showing it the last few years.”
I stare down at my hands. “I’m sorry, Len. I really am. I was hurting and angry, and I—”
“I would have been there, Levi. I wouldn’t have made things worse for you. You didn’t have to cut me off.”
“It would have made things worse!” I yell, regretting it immediately when I see him flinch. I take a deep breath, trying to control my sudden anger. “I’m sorry, Len. I didn’t mean… I just couldn’t deal.”
“Levi—”
“It felt like I lost everything,” I say, my voice hoarse in my ears. From the corner of my eye, I see Lennon still. “A chance with the girl I loved, the career I worked for. My friends… I just…I couldn’t Len.” I look up at him. There’s still anger on his face, but it has been joined by empathy. Understanding. Two completely Lennon emotions. I swallow, letting myself feel the full weight of my decision to cut him off. “It was a cowardly thing to do,” I whisper. “Especially where you were concerned. I’m sorry.”
He holds my gaze for a long moment before he nods. “Okay.”
“That’s it? Okay?”
He shrugs. “I get it, Levi. It was a shitty time. I’m still pissed, but what am I going to do?”
I stare back down at the floor. For some reason, I picture Karen’s face that night in the snow. How shocked she had been. You haven’t called Lennon? God, I was an ass.
“I really am sorry.”
“Are you going to do it again?”
I glance up at him. “What do you mean?”
He holds his hands out as if to encompass the room around us. “You came to check on me. You can see I haven’t fallen back into my old habits. I’m up and conscious. I take it you’re going to leave again, now that your conscience has been soothed. So what now? Are you going to disappear again? Are you going to cut off all contact?”
I stare at him. Is my conscience soothed? For all his words about being okay, I’m not entirely sure I believe it. “No,” I say, standing up. “Go find some shoes.”
“Why do I need shoes?”
“Because I got up at the ass crack of dawn to fly all the way over here to check on you, and now
I’m starving.” I grab his shoulder and pull him from the bed. “Come on, let’s go get some food.”
***
We end up at a diner in the next town over, closer to the new house than Jonesboro, and I’m very grateful he directed me to a place I’ve never been. No need to try to repress those pesky memories, I think, shaking my head at what a puss I’ve turned out to be.
We sit in a red vinyl booth and order cheeseburgers and Cokes and talk about the move to L.A. “I think when Dad bought the house, he thought we’d all spend our breaks there,” Lennon says, dunking a fry into some ketchup. “But everyone is always so busy. I think I’m the only one that’s stayed there more than a few weeks total.”
I clear my throat. “So, uh, where’s everyone else?” It’s the first we’ve mentioned his brothers since he told me about Cash’s girlfriend, and I press down the sick feeling the topic is causing in my gut, concentrating on my Coke.
“Cash bought a place in Seattle,” he says.
“The girl?”
Lennon nods. “Sam. She lives there. She’s starting work at some non-profit in the fall, but she’s taking the summer to come on tour.”
I’m still shocked at the idea of Cash in a relationship. “Is the kid coming too?”
“On and off. He lives with his grandparents a lot of the time. It’s a little complicated.”
“Complicated seems about par for the course with this group,” I mutter.
“Reed spends most of his—hey, I didn’t tell you about Reed! You’re not going to believe this one, either—Reed is with Paige.”
I wince, not really wanting to tell him how I know that piece of news. “Wow, that’s crazy. Reed and Paige?”
His eyes search my face for a minute, as if he doesn’t buy my surprise, but he doesn’t press it. “Yeah. She’s pretty perfect for him, actually. He’s a lot less uptight now.”
I snort. “I’d like to see that.”
“You should,” he says, tossing the fry into his mouth. I don’t respond.
It’s quiet for a minute while we both eat. I do not want to ask about his younger brother, but there’s a part of me, a masochistic part, that’s dying to know. “They bought a house in Tennessee,” Lennon says softly, and I curse his ability to always read my mind. “A farm out in the middle of nowhere. It’s good for her, I think. The privacy.”
I nod once, attacking my Coke again so I don’t have to respond.
“For what it’s worth,” Lennon continues. “She’s happy. I think he’s doing a better job of taking care of her than he did at first. He puts her above everything, even the band.”
I nod again, actually grateful for the information. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about Daisy, about how she was dealing with the proximity of such a famous boyfriend when she had so much trouble with crowds and anxiety.
“What about you?” I ask, eager to change the subject. “You didn’t want to get a place of your own?”
He shrugs. “I rent a place in L.A. when we’re there. But lately…it’s just seemed smarter to stay at my dad’s.”
There’s that fear again. “How long has it been bad?”
He doesn’t look at me. “Few months, I guess.”
“Have you…” I swallow, scared to know the answer to the next question. “Have you relapsed?”
“No.” He sounds tired, as if the very word is a struggle.
“You really think this is a good time to be going on tour?”
He looks out the window, still not looking at me. “It’s a short tour. Select cities, just for the summer. The album drops in July, so the label wants us out there to support it.”
“And what happens after the album drops?”
He finally meets my eyes, looking slightly sheepish. “If all goes well, we start a world tour.”
“Shit, Lennon,” I mutter, tossing my napkin on the table. “So you tour this summer, release an album—with all the promo and shit that goes along with that—and then hop on a plane for a world tour? Are you kidding me?”
“It helps to work,” he protests. “It’s always been worse when I have nothing to do.”
I glare at him. “You’re not sleeping. How long do you think you can survive that way on tour?”
“I’m not going to mess up again.” There’s a fierceness in his voice that does little to reassure me. Instead, it makes me worry more—he sounds like he’s trying to convince himself as much as me.
“You need to see a therapist. Now. Before everything gets crazy.”
“I have been.”
“And the therapist thinks it’s a good idea to get into all this right now?”
“Not so much.”
I grab the napkin again and start shredding the edges. “I could kill your dad. He knows better—”
“He offered to call it off. It’s my choice.”
I meet his eyes, my anger doubling. “Let me guess. You refused because you don’t want your brothers to know.”
Now he’s pissed too. “They’re not going to know.”
“Lennon—”
“It’s my call, Levi. They don’t hear anything.” He holds my gaze until I finally nod reluctantly. I’ve been telling him to tell his brothers about the situation for years, but he’s never listened, and I doubt he’s going to start now.
“I really think the tour will help,” he says. “Being busy is good for me. None of this started until after we finished recording the album.”
“I don’t like the idea of you going on the road without any support,” I mutter. “No one even knows what to look out for. You need to tell your brothers. At least Reed.”
“You could come,” he says, his voice deceptively casual. “You were with me last time.”
I gape at him, unsure if he’s serious. “I quit, remember?”
He shrugs. “So we hire you again.”
“I have a job.”
His eyebrows go up. “Yeah? What have you been up to?”
Somehow, the idea of telling him, more than anyone else, makes me feel like crap. I’d been defensive when Karen found out and defensive when I told Will. But Lennon won’t judge me. He will, however, feel bad for me. And I don’t think I can deal with his pity.
“It’s shitty,” I say, releasing a breath. “I stage manage a venue at a lodge in Colorado.”
“Colorado sounds nice,” he says.
“Yeah, well, the lodge isn’t.” I shake my head. “You remember that casino we played? On the van tour?” The van tour is how we always referred to the Midwest tour of dive bars the boys played the summer before they were tapped to open for Grey Skies. It’s not until Lennon nods that I realize I said “we played” instead of “you played.” I swallow before continuing. “The lodge is like that.”
He laughs. “Wasn’t that the place with all the wood paneling? And the dead animal heads everywhere?”
“Exactly.”
“Well, there you go, then.” He leans back in his chair to smile at me. “I can guarantee that there will be zero dead animal heads on our tour bus.”
When I go to argue, he holds up a hand. “We had fun at that casino, if I remember. Just like we had fun on the stops with Grey Skies. And the stops on our first tour. We had a lot of fun, Levi. And you worked really hard. You deserve to be working a job that you care about, not stuck in a lodge you think is shitty.”
I don’t know how to answer him without sounding like a giant baby. Admitting that my feelings are still too hurt would injure my pride a little too much.
“Look,” he says, leaning forward again. “I think you miss it.”
“Why do you think that?”
There’s that pitying expression I was trying to avoid. “Because you look sad.”
That’s what Karen said too, I think. Remembering the night with her has me scowling down at the table. I had been asking myself if I was sad every day since she left the lodge. And trying to drown in booze every night to get away from the answer.
“I miss it,” I admi
t. “I miss it a lot. But that doesn’t change anything.”
“Are you still in love with her?”
Leave it to Lennon to ask the blunt emotional questions.
I grab my burger and swallow two bites before I answer. “I mostly just feel…mad.”
“At her?”
At Daltrey. “At everything.”
He shakes his head. “That sounds like a pretty shitty way to live.”
“You’re one to talk,” I mutter, and he laughs.
“Look, how many times have you seen my brothers get into fist fights?”
“Your brothers?” I ask, eyebrows high on my forehead. “What, you’re excluding yourself from the ranks of people who get into childish fights?”
“Fine. How many times have you seen us get into fist fights?”
“More than I can count.”
“Exactly. We all fight pretty much constantly. Which has gotten way worse since you left, by the way.”
I wince. I had wondered if they were managing to keep from bloodying each other without me to step in between them.
“But we’re still here, Levi. We all keep showing up everyday, even when we’re pissed. Even when we can’t stand to look at each other. We still show up. We get over it. We’re fine.”
“Because you’re brothers.”
His voice is sharp. “So are you.”
There’s that damn lump again. What is happening to me?
“You loved your job,” he presses. “You loved your friends. You shouldn’t give all of that up because of a fight with Daltrey. It’s not right.”
For the first time in a long time, I let myself remember just how great it had all been. I did love it. More than anything else in the world.
“I don’t know,” I say, but I can feel my resolve weakening. And then he says the thing that makes it collapse entirely.
“I’m scared, Levi.” His voice is clear and unemotional, but I can hear the exhaustion in it. The undercurrent of fear. “I haven’t felt like this in a long time. And I’m…scared.” He holds my gaze, and I can see the truth in his eyes. He’s barely hanging on. And when he goes on tour, with all the pressure that it entails, when his dad becomes a million times busier than he is right now, who will be there to help Lennon? “I know it’s shitty to ask,” he says, his voice tight. “I know I should be saying that I support whatever you want to do, but…” he shakes his head. “Fuck it. I’m sorry, but fuck it.” He meets my gaze, and there’s desperation in his eyes. “I could use your help, Levi.”
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