The arm that was draped around me a moment ago is now thrown lazily over his head, showing off the back side of his biceps. Just like in Colorado, I’m struck by how good his arms look, by how strong he is. His lashes standout against his cheeks, dark and long. His mouth is open a bit as he takes the deep, steady breaths of sleep.
Part of me yearns to climb back onto the couch, pull his arm down around me, and lie there pressed against him for the rest of the morning.
But the other part of me is absolutely terrified of the thoughts racing through my head.
Heart pounding, I find my purse and slip out of the room. I’m only next door, but when I manage to find my key card and enter my own room, it feels like I put miles between us. And that’s a good thing. I’m starting to think I need miles between myself and those arms.
I sink down onto the edge of my bed, bringing my hands up to cradle my forehead, trying to figure out what in the hell is going on in my chest.
It’s just Levi, I remind myself. One of your best friends. Just Levi.
Just Levi, who takes my hand when I’m embarrassed. Who holds me when I’m scared or lonely. Who protects me, always, from the things I can’t face. Just Levi with those strong arms and gorgeous eyes and soft lips that lit my skin on fire.
Just Levi, who listened while I told him about my scars, never once judging me for the outward manifestation of all of my worst mistakes.
Holy shit.
I’m grabbing my phone and dialing Paige’s number before I can even consider what I’m doing. She answers on the fourth ring, and it’s clear by her voice that I just woke her. “Karen? What’s wrong?”
“Can you come down to my room?” I ask, feeling panicky.
It’s a testament to what a great friend she is that she doesn’t ask any questions. “I’ll be right there. Let me just brush my teeth.”
I spend the five minutes waiting for her pacing my room. When I hear a knock, I lunge at the door, throwing it open and pulling her into the room without a hello.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, rubbing her eyes. She’s in her flannel pajamas, and something about the sight calms me down a few degrees. How many conversations have we had with Paige in her flannel jammies? I take a deep breath.
“I think I like Levi.”
She stares at me as if waiting for the punch line. “And…”
It’s only then that I realize that, of course, she knows I like Levi. Or at least assumes I do, based on the fact that we’re supposed to be dating. My stomach sinks. This is going to turn into a huge mess, I can tell.
“I mean…I think I really like him,” I tell her.
Her face softens. “You’re freaked out?”
I laugh weakly, running my hands through my knotted, straggly hair. I stopped by my room last night after the club to change into jeans, but I slept in these clothes and they’re looking decidedly wrinkled. In fact, I probably look like a huge mess. I rub my fingers under my eyes to remove the mascara that I’m sure is pooled there, but Paige grabs my shoulders and pushes me toward the bathroom. “Brush your teeth. Wash your face. You’ll feel much better. I’ll make coffee.”
I emerge a few minutes later and find her pouring us each a measure of brown liquid into those crappy hotel Styrofoam cups. She hands me one and heads to the couch. I’m feeling too jumpy to sit right next to her, so I plant myself in the desk chair, still trying to get my heart to stop thudding.
“What happened?”
I fidget. “I don’t even know. I just woke up next to him this morning, and I started freaking out.”
I don’t bother telling her that it was only the second time I ever woke up next to him. At this point, I’m not sure it matters anymore.
“Why did you start freaking out?”
I just sit there for a minute, unable to come up with a reason.
“Were you surprised by how strong your feelings were?”
“Yes,” I say, relieved that she got it. “Exactly.”
“Did you talk to him about it?”
“Are you kidding? I bolted out of there before he woke up and called you.”
She sighs loudly. “Of course you did.”
“What are—”
She holds up a hand. “It’s just not surprising, is all I’m saying. That you would rather talk to me about it than him. You don’t do emotional conversations with men so well, K.”
“I can’t imagine why that would be,” I snap.
“Hey, I’m not judging. Okay, so what kinds of feelings were such a surprise to you?”
I deflate into the back of the chair. “He’s so nice to me, you know? He always does exactly what I need him to do, usually without me even knowing I need it or telling him what I need. He just…knows.”
“That’s a pretty great quality.”
“And he… He’s really good looking.” I let out a strangled laugh. “I mean, I am like totally attracted to this guy.”
She smiles at me. “Also a good thing.”
I frown. I can’t tell her why it isn’t a good thing at all.
“Did something happen last night? After you left?”
“We went back to his room with Len and played video games.”
She makes a face. “Doesn’t sound super romantic.”
I sigh. “And then, after Lennon left, I told him about my scars.”
I hear an audible intake of breath and don’t dare to look up at her. “Is he… He’s the first guy you’ve ever told.”
I nod.
“And how did he react?”
I finally look up at her. “How do you think? He was perfect. Totally didn’t judge me. Didn’t act freaked out or grossed out. He just listened.”
There’s something on Paige’s face I can’t read. “Well, it sounds to me like you’ve found yourself the perfect guy for you, Karen. I can get why that would be overwhelming, but it’s not a bad thing.”
“You don’t understand.” I wish I could just tell her everything, but it’s not only my secret to share. “I don’t think he likes me like that.”
“What? Are you kidding?”
“No, Paige, I’m not. He… I think it’s just casual for him. Which is what we agreed on, so it’s not like I can be upset.”
“Just because you agreed on casual doesn’t mean it has to stay like that.”
“No. But I think it’s the way he wants it.”
Paige is shaking her head vehemently. “No way. Have you seen the way he looks at you?”
“He looks at me?” I squeak.
“Of course he does. All the time.”
“How does he look at me?”
She grins. “Like you’re the best thing he’s ever seen.”
She’s just seeing what she expects to see, I tell myself, trying to quash the eruption of butterflies her words created in my stomach.
“I don’t know about that.”
“Then you should just ask him.”
I gape at her. “I can’t just ask him!”
“Why not?”
“Because… Because it would be embarrassing!” I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to even think about the look on his face if I admitted this to him. “And if he doesn’t —when he doesn’t feel the same way, all of this would go away.”
“First of all, I really don’t think that’s going to happen. Like, at all.” When I start to argue, she holds up her hands to continue. “And if it does happen—K, do you really want it to continue if you guys feel differently?”
“Yes,” I say automatically. Of course I want it to continue. Even in the not actually real way it started. Because this relationship with Levi, real or not, is the only reason I’ve been able to get through this summer.
Paige looks more than a little taken aback by my admission. Before she can argue with me, there’s a knock at the door.
“Oh my God,” I whisper. “What if it’s him?”
“Then we let him in the room,” she says, her voice indicating she’s worried for my mental health. Whe
n it’s clear I’m not moving from the desk chair, she rolls her eyes and gets up. “FYI—someday there will be a point when you guys are all happy and worry free, and I want you to know that I have every intention of throwing this behavior back in your face.”
“Nice friend.”
She laughs. “Because you’ve never teased me about going overboard where boys are concerned.”
She responds to my angry stuttering by opening the door, revealing Levi standing in the hall.
His face is a picture of surprise at seeing her. “Oh. Hey, Paige. Is Karen…” He must see me behind her in the room. A smile spreads over his face, and I can’t help the swooping of my stomach. Oh God. I’m in so much trouble.
“Hey, there you are. I was just wondering if you wanted breakfast.”
Paige turns to face me, eyebrows nearly up to her hairline. Her expression couldn’t be more clear. See?
“Weren’t you just saying how hungry you are, K?” she asks, voice dripping with innocence.
“Yeah,” I somehow manage to say through gritted teeth. “You said you were starving too. Why don’t you come with us?”
“Oh, I promised Reed I would eat with him.”
“That’s too bad—” Levi begins, but I cut him off.
“You could go get him. We’ll wait.”
Paige glares at me. “He wants to sleep in. But don’t let me stop you.” She marches across the room and grabs my elbow, pulling me into a standing position. “Go eat breakfast with Levi!”
Her voice is every bit as bright and cheerful as you’d expect Paige’s voice to be, but there’s a glint in her eyes that promises she won’t be taking no for an answer. I glare at her, but her smile merely grows. “See you on the plane!”
She practically shoves me out into the hallway. It’s only then that I notice Levi looking back and forth between us, a perplexed expression on his face. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes,” I mutter, taking his elbow and trying to ignore the way my heartbeat speeds up at the contact. “Let’s just go eat.”
Paige stands by my door and watches us until we reach the elevator. “Are you guys fighting?” Levi asks in an undertone. “’Cause that was kind of weird.”
“We’re fine,” I tell him, saved from further explanation by the arrival of the elevator. “So,” I say brightly once we’re on board. “Where should we eat?”
“I was thinking the restaurant downstairs,” he says. “Unless you wanted bagels on your last New York morning. In which case, we should go down the block instead. I know a great place.”
I look down at the clothes I slept in the night before. The hotel restaurant is fairly swanky. “Let’s do bagels.”
Levi leads me past the crowd of fans and paparazzi waiting at the hotel doors, none of who even blink at the sight of us. “Being nobodies has its reward,” he mutters, taking my arm.
I shiver a little at his touch, at the commanding way he leads me through the crowd. You have to stop thinking like this, I tell myself. He already knows something is up.
I don’t say a word until we get to the deli. Levi orders us bagels, lox, and a variety of cream cheese, plus two piping-hot coffees. I whimper a little when he hands me mine.
“Paige made the coffee this morning,” I tell him after I’ve had my first sip. “And she sucks at making coffee.”
He laughs, pouring tons of sugar and cream into his cup. “I know, I know,” he says when he sees my eyes on his hands. “I drink coffee like a child. Feel free to tease me.”
My thoughts had been more focused on how elegant his hands looked while he mixed his drink, so I don’t say anything, trying to cover by taking a huge gulp of my own coffee. Of course it scalds my throat and I cough, Levi pounding on my back.
I shrink away from his hands, trying to ignore the obvious confusion on his face.
“I was surprised you were gone this morning,” he says once my coughing fit has subsided. “Did you leave last night?”
I nearly choke all over again. “I woke up early,” I tell him. “I didn’t want to wake you.”
He nods, eyes on his coffee. “I just wanted to thank you,” he finally says, looking up at me. His brown eyes are warm and sincere, and they make my heart jump. “It was really cool of you to listen to all my crap last night. And to stay when I told you I didn’t want to be alone.”
“It’s no problem,” I manage, even though I’m having trouble breathing under the intensity of his gaze. “You kind of repaid the favor when you listened to all of my crap.”
He gives me a half smile that has my heart thudding away in my chest. “That’s what allies are for, right?”
My stomach drops. Allies. That’s what we are to him, what we’ve been since the beginning. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Having him as an ally has been the best thing about this summer.
But it certainly doesn’t sound like the night before affected him in the same way it did me if he’s still happy sticking to the joke this morning.
“So, time in New York,” he says, straightening up and going to work covering his bagel with lox. “Productive? Fun? What’s your verdict?”
I purposefully take a huge bite of my own bagel before he can finish talking, needing the extra time to get my thoughts together, to banish the disappointment to the back of my mind. When I finally speak, I’m able to keep my voice fairly bright. “Productive and fun. Meeting the stylist was totally cool. And the photographer was maybe even better. I have a lot of ideas now.”
“Oh, that reminds me. The PR team is sending a DSLR camera for you.”
“That’s awesome.” A day ago, this would have been the highlight of my week. Now, everything he says feels dull and colorless. “How long can I keep it?”
He waves his coffee cup dismissively. “They’re giving it to you.”
I gape at him. So that wasn’t completely dull. “What do you mean, giving it to me?”
“They said you could keep it.”
I narrow my eyes. “Is the band paying for this?”
“No. Of course not. I simply asked our contact at the PR firm if one of our team members could use a camera, and she said you could have it.” He ducks his head to meet my eyes. “They like to keep us happy, that’s all.”
“Wow. Well, thanks. That’s pretty sweet.”
“You’ll have plenty of subjects for your photos in Vegas,” he says, grabbing his second bagel. “Have you ever been?”
“Never.”
“You’ll like it, I think. Oh!” His face lights up, bagel frozen inches from his face. “I forgot to tell you—we have a whole day off down there between shows.” He takes the bite of bagel, and chews with enthusiasm before swallowing and wiping his mouth. “I can’t believe how much time Will is giving them off. I mean, Reed told me that they really put their foot down after the first tour, but this feels excessive even to me. Not that I’m complaining—it’s just weird. Not like him.”
“Do you think it’s for Lennon?” I ask, and some color seems to fade from his face.
“You’re right. I’m sure that’s what it’s about.”
He still looks shaken up, so I slide my hand across the table to cover his, not even thinking about how it will feel to touch him. “That scares you?”
He shrugs a little but turns his hand so that our palms are touching, knotting his fingers with mine. “I guess it’s just a reminder that this is serious, you know? For Will to go to such lengths to keep him happy.”
“Maybe try to put a positive spin on that thought,” I tell him, trying hard not to think about our entwined fingers. “Like, Lennon clearly has people looking out for him. His dad is willing to make sacrifices for his well-being. Those are good things, right?”
Levi smiles at me across the table, and I catch my breath. “You’re completely right, Karen. You always know just how to get my thinking on the right track.”
I look away, scared I might say something stupid. Like something along the lines of, “So kiss me, you idiot.
”
But Levi squeezes my hand on the table, bringing my eyes right back to his. “Seriously,” he says, his smile growing. “What would I do without you?”
“I don’t know,” I manage to squeak out. “You’d probably spend a lot less time scrapbooking.”
He laughs, finally releasing my hand. I pull it under the table, rubbing my fingers with my other hand. My skin feels warm, as if he burned me.
We eat in silence for a moment before Levi finally pulls out his phone. “We should probably get going. We’ve got a long way to go today.”
My fingers still feel tingly as I follow him out into the sunshine. We might still have a long way to go before we get to Vegas, but I already feel like I’ve traveled miles since waking up in his arms this morning. And somehow, I’m no closer to where I want to be.
Chapter Eighteen
Levi
The heat in Vegas is oppressive, pressing down on me like a heavy blanket, making everything feel slow and muddled. I have a bad feeling as I follow the guys from interview to interview in the morning. It’s already ninety-five degrees and sure to rise even higher than yesterday. Heat and the Ransome brothers have never been a good combination. They get annoyed faster and tire more easily. I’ve broken up plenty of fights over the years that I would attribute to one or more of them getting too hot and bothered.
And speaking of hot and bothered…
“How are you and Karen spending your day off?” Daltrey asks me, his voice still a shade too polite. But I’ll take Daltrey talking any day of the week, no matter how stilted his tone.
“I think we’re going to spend time at the pool, probably walk the Strip.”
I glance at the thermostat reading on the dashboard of the van. “Or maybe take a cab up and down the Strip.”
“I’m shocked Paige hasn’t planned anything yet,” Lennon says, and Cash scowls at him.
“Do you have to continuously rub in the fact that Sam went home for the weekend?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I close my eyes, envisioning a fight. Cash has been in a pissed-off mood ever since Sam and Wyatt left.
Relent Page 20
