I can almost see a life like that with Ben. Almost. It’s hard to imagine a normal life ever again, but if I could, Ben would be in it.
I bury these thoughts and sort through a box of tea bags. I opt for chamomile. We could all use something to help us relax, plus it will warm us up.
By the time the others are dry and changed, we have a glorious meal of tea and hot food. There’s a mixture of canned peas and carrots in one pot. Another holds ten packages of Top Ramen. Ben found a whole case of chili in the cupboard, which we also heated up.
Everyone grabs cups and bowls and digs in. We eat like the pack of half-starved ultrarunners that we are. We plow through the food in less time than it took to heat it up. After that, everyone falls to rummaging in the cupboards and pantry. Potato chips, boxes of crackers, and jars of peanut butter find their way onto the table.
Thunder rolls overhead, loud and fierce. It’s a bona fide summer thunderstorm out there. Just great. I hope for a dry patch to finish our journey to Braggs. The last thing I want is to get everyone dry only to shove them all back out into the rain.
“Time for showers and first aid,” I say. I have no doubt we all have our fair share of blisters, chafe marks, and other physical ailments among us. “Then we sleep for two hours and get back on the road.” We’re four hours past Fort Ross’s deadline. If we’re going to have any chance of saving Alvarez and his people, we can’t afford to rest longer.
I collect needles, bandaids, and all other first aid supplies I can find, then set up a make-shift infirmary in the living room. I lance blisters and wrap the tender spots with bandages. I clean cuts and scrapes gathered out on the trail. I even pick off a few ticks from people. Considering what my people have been through, the wounds aren’t that bad.
There’s not much to be done for chafe marks besides a hydrogen peroxide wash and a smear of petroleum jelly. Ben refuses to let me see how bad things are when it’s his turn, but he does change into sweats when I suggest it a second time. The angry red marks under Ash’s sport’s bra make me wince, though she never complains.
After I finish treating everyone, I wash and change into clean clothes. By then, most of the others have settled down for our short respite. I look for a place to sleep.
I peer into the girl’s room. Ash is on the twin bed under a pink flowered bedspread. Caleb is on the floor wrapped in a thick quilt. Eric has the twin bed in the little boy’s room, while Reed lays on the floor wrapped in blankets.
“There’s another room with a bed,” I tell him. “You don’t have to sleep on the floor.”
Reed cocks an eyebrow at me. “The big bed is for you, Mama Bear.”
“You and the old man,” Caleb says from the girl’s room.
“You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend now, remember?” Eric snickers.
“That definitely comes with perks.” Reed gives me a thumbs up and a big grin.
Oh. Consternation sweeps through me, making my face hot. I feel like I’m on display in the worst way.
I turn on my heel, planning to head to the couch—and run smack into Ben. I hadn’t realized he’d been standing behind me.
I stare up at him. There is no doubt in my mind he heard everything that was just said. Even if he wasn’t standing two feet behind me, this is a very, very tiny house.
I want him. I want his touch and his kisses as much as I’ve ever wanted anything.
But something inside holds me back. I might be forty, but I was pregnant and married by the time I was nineteen. I’ve only been with one man in my life. As much as I want Ben, I’m nervous about it. Especially with four other people in a house with paper-thin walls.
I swallow, hoping I don’t make a mess of things. “Ben—”
He rests his hands on my shoulders, silencing me with a look that is surprisingly tender. “I had to kill a bear to get a decent kiss out of you,” he says. “I never assumed it would be any easier to get you in bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
I stare at his retreating back, mouth sagging open. His words are gruff. From anyone else, they would have been crass. But I know Ben well enough to understand he’s making a genuine effort to be a gentleman.
“Come on, old man,” Caleb says from the bedroom. “How much easier do we have to make it for you?”
“Fuck you.”
“You could at least try,” Reed calls from the other room. “I mean, there’s a big bed for you guys. When do you think you’re going to get a big bed again? All we have back at Creekside are bunk beds.”
This brings hoots and laughter from both rooms.
If I stand here any longer, I might die of embarrassment.
I follow Ben into the living room. I hover in the doorway, looking across the room at him.
He looks back at me from his seat on the oversized couch. “I’ll keep first watch. I don’t sleep much anyway.” He raises his voice. “I’ll wake one of the little shitheads when it’s their turn to keep watch.”
“We heard that,” Eric says.
“That was the point, shithead.”
“Do you guys need an instructional video?” Reed asks. “I bet we could find a porno somewhere around here. We could try the master—”
“No!” Ben and I say in unison.
“Suficiente!” Ash says. “Shut your mouth, Reed.”
I lean against the wall and gather myself. There’s no way I can sleep after all this.
Ben is watching me to see what I will do. I don’t want things to be weird between us. We’re finally at a point where things aren’t awkward. Making up my mind to keep it that way, I cross the room and sit beside him on the couch.
He looks at the six inches of space that separates us. “I gave you the bed, Kate. The least you can do is give me this.” He gestures to the gap.
He’s right. I owe it to him. Besides that, I don’t want space between us.
I scoot over, closing the gap. Even through the fabric of our clothing, I feel the heat from his body. It sends a shiver through me.
“Ignore the little shitheads.” He puts an arm around me and pulls me close.
Tension leaches out of me. My muscles relax. I slide my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder.
“For once, I’m in agreement on the nickname.”
“We heard that,” Eric calls. “We are not shitheads.”
“Mind your own goddamn business!” Ben’s voice is almost a shout. He manages to choke back the volume just as another round of thunder crashes overhead.
The entire situation is ludicrous. Laughter shakes my shoulders. After a moment, Ben’s chest rattles with a silent chuckle.
We sit in comfortable silence. I soak in the warmth of his body, listening to the rain drum on the roof and windows.
“What if it’s still raining in two hours?” he asks.
I hold up my watch for him to see. The time reads twenty-eight hours and thirty-six minutes. “That’s how long it’s been since we last spoke to Alvarez. I’m hoping we can get to Fort Ross in another twenty-four hours. Thirty-six at most.”
“So you really are going to march us back out into the rain in a few hours if it doesn’t let up?”
“I hope it doesn’t come to that, but yes. Lives depend on us. I don’t like running in the rain any more than you, but it’s manageable.”
“Ash almost died of hypothermia.” He covers my hand with his. “You’re still cold.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time I ran the Bear?”
He shakes his head. “Is that one of your crazy ultra races?”
“Yeah. It was a hundred miler that started in Utah and ended in Idaho. I got caught in a snowstorm. My legs had frostbite when I crossed the finish line, but I finished.”
He snorts. “No wonder you have such a warped perspective on what the human body can endure.”
“I think it’s everyone else who has the warped perspective,” I reply. “We all had easy lives before the zombies. Most people don’t understand how much they’re ca
pable of. That’s what I’m trying to teach these kids.”
He shifts. I sense him looking down at me. I tilt my chin up to meet his gaze.
“I love how crazy you are.” His murmur washes over me. I close my eyes as he leans down to kiss me.
Our first kiss was a disaster, a drunken impulse on my part that surprised Ben and ended awkwardly. Our second kiss had been fueled by terror and adrenaline after Ben killed the black bear that attacked our camp on the Lost Coast. Our third kiss under the Candelabra Grove had been pure magic.
This kiss is long, deep, and lingering. I allow the world and all my worries to melt away, if only for a few perfect moments. His arms feel safe. His arms feel good.
Ben is the first to break away. He pulls back to look at me. “Sleep here with me on the couch. I’ll watch over you.”
I like the idea of staying close to him. After kissing him one last time, I curl up on my side with my head on his thigh. He drapes a blanket over me and settles a strong hand on the curve of my waist.
I fall asleep in seconds, feeling warm and safe.
11
New Regime
JESSICA
Shortly after Rosario’s takeover, our entire group is locked inside one of the original Fort Ross structures. It’s a single-story home known as the Rotchev House. We’ve been in here for hours.
The Rotchev House isn’t large by any stretch of the imagination. It was never designed for fifty-five people. The rooms of the house bleed into each other without any modern sense of organization.
I’ve taken up position beside one of the windows at the back of the house. The glass is old, the world beyond wavering and uneven when seen through it.
Around me are whispers and murmurs. People have broken up into clumps. Some huddle together on the floor, consoling one another. Others pace, talking in low voices. Planning.
Alvarez has a plan. Apparently, he had people stash weapons all over the fort. There are even a few screwdrivers under loose planks in the kids’ room of this house. He left out a big box of booze for Rosario’s people to find. When they celebrate their takeover of the fort, we’ll strike back.
It’s a shaky plan at best. Rosario’s people have firepower. A lot of firepower. And it’s not just fuckheads with guns we have to worry about. They’ve brought a dozen zombies into the fort, all of them leashed like the one that bit Shaun. What sort of deranged idiot brings zombies inside her home? No matter what, we’re going to lose people.
I watch Rosario’s people scuttle through the grounds, ransacking the buildings, tents, and motorhomes. Two women enter an RV, shrieking with triumph as they deck themselves out in new clothes. They toss things out onto the scrub grass that grows in patches around the fort. An old shoe box spills a dozen books across the ground.
I shift my gaze past the desecration of our home. It cuts to the bleeding figure tied to the laundry pole near the well. The worst part is that Shaun is still alive, suffering and dying slowly. My eyes ache as though I’ve spent hours sobbing, though in truth I haven’t cried since the day my daughters died.
“I’m sorry about Shaun.” A teenage girl leans up against the other side of the window across from me, watching the pillaging. She sniffles, scrubbing at the tears that leak down her cheek. “I know you guys aren’t married anymore, but still—I’m sorry.” She swallows, throat convulsing as she suppresses a sob.
Sometimes it’s hard to look at the teenager with dirty blond hair. Stephany is her name. Steph.
She looks nothing like either of my girls. I don’t see an older version of Claire and May when I look at her.
It doesn’t matter. I still see a girl who survived. It’s impossible not to think of Claire and May when I’m around her.
I should respond to Steph, but I don’t know how. Bitter words curl on the end of my tongue. I refrain from dumping them on an innocent teenager. I’m not that messed up. Yet.
Steph was in the original group who’d come here with Alvarez in the beginning. I’d heard snippets of the story, of how Alvarez rescued her family from a van stuck on a freeway and surrounded by zombies. It wasn’t so different from the story of how Alvarez rescued me and Shaun from an abandoned station wagon north of Fort Ross.
Except both my girls were already dead when he found us. Alvarez never had a chance to save them.
“Hey, guys.”
My eyes flick to Bella, who joins me and Steph at the window. She’s the only other teenage girl in Fort Ross.
Bella and Steph are bound through age and gender, though as far as I can tell that’s the most they have in common. Bella was one of those popular kids when there were still high schools. She reeks of confidence. It’s no stretch of the imagination to see her dating the high school quarterback, getting straight As, and running for student body president.
Steph, on the other hand, is more of the shy, study-bug type. She follows Bella around like a puppy. Even more so since the day she’d been kidnapped by one of Rosario’s men.
At the time, we hadn’t known about Rosario. Two of her scouts had stumbled onto our community and snatched Steph and another woman named Kris from the gardens.
Kris never made it back. She’d been raped and later shot when she tried to escape. Alvarez got there before the men could start in on Steph. Another ten minutes and it might have been too late for her. The experience had tethered Steph even more tightly to Bella. She puts on a good fake smile and pretends everything is okay, but it’s all bullshit. That girl isn’t okay by a long shot.
Tears trickle down Steph’s cheeks as she takes in Shaun’s slack, bleeding form on the laundry pole. “I’m so sorry, Jessica.” She chokes on a sob as she speaks.
I want to walk away from the girls, but there aren’t a lot of other places for me to squeeze into. And as much as I want to scream and beat my fists on Shaun’s chest, the idea of not being able to see him makes my heart cramp.
“Are you okay?” Bella asks.
I look away without answering. No, I am not okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time.
“He’s such a good person,” Steph whispers. “I’m so sorry.”
Their sympathy makes me want to break something.
I feel Alvarez enter the room before I see him. I can tell by the rustle of activity near the doorway when he’s near. I switch my attention to him, glad for the distraction.
I watch him move through the room. His shoulders bend as he pauses to speak and offer words of comfort to each and every person. The people love him. They sit up a little straighter when he’s near. I see the way his words transform people. They don’t strip away fear, but they do leave everyone with a sliver of hope in their eyes.
I look away when he drifts in my direction. I don’t want his comfort.
“You girls doing okay?” Alvarez has a warm smile for Bella and Steph.
“What are we going to do?” Steph asks. She, in particular, idolizes Alvarez for saving her family and getting them to Fort Ross.
“I know things are scary right now, Steph, but I promise you we’re going to get through this.” The words roll off his tongue like honey, a balm to her fear. “Jessie?” He turns his attention to me.
Besides Shaun, Alvarez is one of the few people who calls me Jessie. It stirs something inside me every time he does it.
I ignore the feeling, giving him a flat stare. I don’t need this man to sugar coat anything for me. I know how fucked up our situation is.
“Jessie ...” His voice trails off as he stares out the window at Shaun. “Jessie, I—”
I hold up a hand to silence him, shaking my head. I know where the blame for this situation lies. It was all Shaun’s doing. Besides, rehashing it isn’t going to make Shaun any less dead.
How long is Rosario going to leave him strung up on the laundry pole? Until he turns?
The idea makes my stomach hurt. The time it takes an infected person to turn varies. I’ve seen it happen in several hours, like it did with my daughters. I’ve seen it take thre
e to four days on adults.
Shaun could be out there for days.
I fist my hands, wishing I could smash them through the glass.
Alvarez’s smile stiffens. I admire him for even trying with me. I’m not the nice housewife I used to be, once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away.
“Shaun asked me to look after you,” Alvarez murmurs. “I intend to do that.”
I don’t laugh in his face, though I want to. His words confirm my suspicion that Shaun knew he was sacrificing himself. He wouldn’t have extracted that promise otherwise.
“You don’t have to look after me. You have all these other people to look after.” I don’t bother telling him I don’t care if I live or die anyway.
Alvarez refuses to be rebuffed by my coldness. His hand comes up to rest on the side of my cheek. The unexpected tenderness freezes me in place.
“I know you’re hurting, Jessie. We’re going to get through this.”
For the barest second, I dare to look at his face. Into his eyes. A woman less fucked up than me could lose herself in those soft black eyes. Is it any wonder half the women in the fort are infatuated with him?
He gives me a gentle smile before moving on.
Steph and Bella fold together, huddling on the ground with their arms around one another.
I stay where I am.
I don’t know how long I stand at the window watching the blood drip out of Shaun’s body. There will always be a part of me that hates every fiber of him for breaking my heart. The fact that he’s leaving me a second time—in a more permanent fashion this time—makes me hate him all the more.
Even so, I’d trade places with him in a heartbeat.
12
Assholes Live Forever
JESSICA
A ripple of commotion runs through the old Rotchev House. At first, I think it’s Alvarez once again moving through the rooms to spread his kind smile and words of comfort.
Except it doesn’t take long to discern there’s a different edge to the ripple. A sharp sting of fear hits me.
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