1: Real Running Shoes
IF YOU’RE COMMITTED to preparing for the apocalypse, it’s time to invest in a real pair of running shoes.
Don’t feel like you have to go to a fancy running store and drop $150. (Although feel free! This is one of my favorite hobbies. If my husband wants to butter me up, all he has to do is pass over his poker winnings and send me to the running store.) Ebay is perfectly acceptable so long as you know your size. A good rule of thumb is to buy your running shoe ½ to 1 size larger than you regular shoes. This is because your feet swell when you run. Sizing up will help prevent blisters.
Picking your first pair can be intimidating. There are a lot of fancy brands out there touting a myriad of qualities. For your first foray, I recommend picking a basic shoe from a mainstream company like Brooks, New Balance, or Nike.
The smaller shoe companies are more specialized but many of these are designed with a specific running style or terrain in mind. Buying a specialty shoe can be great if you have the help of a running shoe professional who knows the particulars of your feet. It can be Russian Roulette if you’re striking out on your own.
2: Water Source
DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH water you need, your refillable plastic bottle from Phase 1 might serve you well in Phase 2.
You may want to invest in a hand-held running bottle, which has straps to hold the bottle in place on your hand. It can get annoying to hold onto a bottle as your runs get longer, so handhelds are great for this. You can get a hand-held running bottle for less than $20 on Amazon.
You could invest in a running backpack with a hydration bladder at this point. Up to you. It’s not necessary and they are pricey. If you have to choose between splurging on shoes or splurging on a pack, spend it on the shoes.
3: Semi-Decent Running Clothes
INVEST IN SOME REAL running socks. Your feet will thank you for it.
If you’re still in your khaki pants and polo shirt like my husband, it’s time to invest in some real workout clothes. (ie., clothes that are actually made for exercise, not the office.) Start with exercise shorts or stretch pants and a lightweight shirt. You can get them at WalMart, or even Goodwill. If you want to splurge, go to a running store or sporting goods store and knock yourself out. Brace yourself for sticker shock. (Life hack: order all your running clothes off the Internet and have them shipped to your place of employment. Sneak them home in your lunch bag so your significant other will have no idea three new pairs of $65 running shorts just made their way into your closet.)
4: Fuel
THIS ISN’T THE STUFF you put in your gas tank. In the running world, fuel is what you put into your body to keep yourself going. AKA: food.
You want to try and eat a few bites of something every hour during your long runs. A good rule of thumb is 200 – 300 calories per hour, though you likely won’t be able to pay attention to details like that if zombies are chasing you. I don’t know about you, but I can barely read the fine print on food packaging when I’m not running for my life.
What should you eat? That depends on your body. Granola bars, energy bars, and gels are all good options. I usually carry an energy bar and eat about half of it on runs between 1 – 3 hours.
You’ll have to experiment and find what works for you. Just plan to have a small snack to carry with you. Even animal crackers left over in your kid’s lunchbox will do. You are training for apocalypse, so it would be good to test out a variety of portable foods to see what works. You might not be able to get your favorite energy bar or gel when the zombies show up clawing at your front door.
You’ll notice Phase 2 is divided into three-week segments. This is to help your body adjust to the time added to your long run. You’ll notice your strength and endurance gradually increasing with each run.
Phase 2 Training Plan:
Week 1 - 3: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 LSD run @ 1.5 hours
Week 4 - 6: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 LSD run @ 2 hours
Week 7 - 9: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 LSD run @ 2.5 hours
Week 10 - 12: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 LSD run @ 3 hours
*OMG YOU CAN NOW RUN FOR 3 CONTINUOUS HOURS WITHOUT DYING!*
*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
*Wahoo*
*Fist Bump*
*You’ve got this apocalypse stuff in the bag*
Phase 3: Zompoc Badass
To all the undead assholes out there: Bring it on!
HERE’S WHERE WE SEPARATE the lukewarm survivors from the true zompoc badasses.
Let’s put this into a prepper analogy.
Completing Phase 1 is equivalent to stocking your pantry with extra canned foods and having a gun or two around the house.
Phase 2 is equivalent to having a bug-out bag, enough firearms to warrant a gun safe, and extra food stocked under beds and in the garage.
Phase 3 is like having an off-grid bunker with enough food to stock a grocery store and enough firearms to supply an illegal militia in South America.
You can decide which effort you want to put into prepping for the apocalypse. Of course I recommend completing all three phases, but if all you do is Phase 1, you’ll still be better off than your old couch potato self. And you’ll have a better chance of being amongst the ranks of survivors.
Survival Gear for Phase 3
IT’S TIME TO INVEST in some gear.
I delayed this as long as I could out of respect for everyone’s wallet. But if you’re going to go big, you need to shell out some dough and make sure you’re well equipped.
1: Shoes
IF YOU’VE SKATED THROUGH Phase 1 and Phase 2 with your high school Vans, it’s really time to invest in a real pair of running shoes. For real. To do any less is to risk injury. And zombies always catch the injured bastards first.
2: Real Running Clothes
PHASE 3 IS WHERE YOU really have to start worrying about chafing. Specialty running clothes—particularly pants / capris / shorts—are needed. Running bottoms are specially designed to have a minimum number of seams to prevent chafing. (Imagine running 50 miles with a fabric seam rubbing back and forth on your inner thigh. You won’t have any skin left. This is NO FUN AT ALL.)
Shirts that wick away sweat are comfortable for long hours and prevent chafing.
(Refer to Phase 2 for tips and tricks on incorporating running clothes seamlessly into your wardrobe without your significant other being any the wiser. Just make sure you’re the one making the monthly credit card payments.)
3: Anti-chafe
IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO “lube up” on your “hot spots.”
Let me break this down for you. Hot spots are any part of your body that is susceptible to chafing.
“Lube” isn’t what you find in the dirty adult store down the street, or the black stuff at the auto mechanic’s. Lube is the stuff to prevent chafing.
Body Glide and Squirrel Nut butter are two popular products among runners. I use Secret deodorant, which is cheaper and easier to find.
Where will you get hot spots? It’s different for everyone. Some common places are the inner thigh, under the sports bra, and feet. You’ll start to identify them as you work up to longer runs.
Use your lube of choice anywhere you chafe. Trust me, getting into the shower with raw chafe marks is no fun. You’d probably rather be eaten by a zombie.
If you do find yourself getting into a shower with chafe marks, rub some Vaseline over the sore spots first. This will keep you from screaming and cussing when the water hits raw flesh.
4: Fuel & Water
YOU NEED TO FIGURE out ways to have access to food and water during your long run. I prefer a running pack. Some people carry water bottles and stash all their nutrition in various pockets. (Running shorts have a lot of pockets. This is especially great if you need a place to stash a weapon or some Chapstick. Everyone needs Chapstick after taking out some zombies.) If your route crosses the same place several times, you can stash extra food and water in your car. Whatever the case, be prepared to carry supplies or have a way
to get them at regular intervals.
Phase 3 Training Schedule
Week 1 – 3: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 LSD run @ 4 hours
Week 4 – 6: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 LSD run @ 5 hours
Week 7 – 9: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 LSD run @ 6 hours
*OMG YOU’VE SHRUNK 2 PANT SIZES*
*Holy shit you’re a badass!*
*Fist Bump*
*Bring on the apocalypse, bitch!*
Zompoc Badass Maintenance
YOU WOULDN’T FILL UP your pantry without rotating your stock, right? (Right??) You routinely eat what you buy and replenish so you always have fresh goods. This is basic prepper maintenance.
The same goes for ultra apocalypse endurance. You can’t complete the 3 phases in this book then return to your couch surfing ways. That’s condemning yourself to be zombie food.
You have to maintain your fitness level. This means integrating workouts into your life. Stick with your 3 runs per week. Make sure one of them is long, anywhere from 2 to 5 hours.
Recommended routine for basic apocalypse fitness
Week 1: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 run @ 3 hours
Week 2: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 run @ 4 hours
Week 3: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 run @ 5 hours
Week 4: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 run @ 4 hours
Week 5: 2 runs @ 1 hour + 1 run @ 3 hours
Week 6: rest / recovery
Repeat
Bonus Round: Zompoc Ultra Badass
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE your apocalypse training to the next level, here are some things you can incorporate into your runs.
1: Inclement Weather Training
YOU CAN’T ORDER UP perfect spring weather with the apocalypse. You want to be prepared to move in all types of conditions: rain, heat, humidity, snow, and cold. Practice running in different conditions for mental and physical preparation. Don’t be a weanie and opt for the treadmill just because it’s dumping buckets, or just because it happens to be ninety-seven degrees outside with 50% humidity.
Weanies don’t make it in the apocalypse. Suck it up, buttercup.
2: Sleep Deprivation Training
IN ULTRAMARATHONS, you’ll often find yourself moving for hours on end without sleep. The same goes for the apocalypse. When standing still could mean certain death, it’s good to know how to keep functioning even when exhausted.
Once a month, stay awake for one twenty-four hour period. This is great way to binge on Netflix and train yourself for the apocalypse.
Experiment with different types of caffeine to see what works well for you. You can try energy drinks such as Red Bull, espresso beans (I like mine covered in chocolate), or straight caffeine pills.
3: Interval Training
AS MUCH AS WE ALL LOVE LSD (long, slow distance) runs, there are times when you will need to be able to sprint. Just imagine yourself dodging between buildings as you hide from zombies, or zigzagging down a street thronging with the undead. Sprinting is mandatory in these situations.
Personally, I hate sprinting. But I hate the idea of getting caught by a zombie even more.
Make sure you incorporate speed workouts into some of your runs. Here are some ideas.
Treadmill
Run hard 5 minutes, easy jog 5 minutes. Repeat for 30 – 60 minutes.
Track
Run 1 lap hard, 1 lap easy. Repeat for a total of 4 – 8 miles.
4: Hills
AS MUCH AS IT SUCKS, sometimes you have to run uphill. So do it when you’re out running. Pick a route with hills and charge up them like your life depends on it.
It just might someday.
#fuckzombies
5: Varied Terrain
WHO KNOWS WHERE THE apocalypse will take you? While it’s impossible to prepare for every scenario, a good rule of thumb is to alternate between running on the road and running on dirt trails. It will keep your body honed for different terrains.
6: Potty Training
WHEN YOU RUN A LONG way, eventually you’ll need to do your business somewhere. You can’t expect to be anywhere near a decent toilet. Or any toilet, for that matter.
To put it bluntly: you need to learn how to piss and shit in the woods.
This takes practice. Expect to make mistakes and endure discomfort.
When you have to go #1. Guys, this is a no-brainer for you. I don’t think there’s any advice I can offer that you don’t already know.
Gals, it’s good to practice different techniques. Try squatting. Try standing (in case your legs are super sore and you can’t squat). Try leaning your back against your tree. Make sure your feet are wide enough apart that you don’t splatter pee all over your shoes.
For short runs, gals don’t have to worry about wiping. But if you’re running more than 6 hours, your skin can start to chafe if you don’t have anything to wipe with. (I once ran 18.5 hours without toilet paper. The result was not pretty. Don’t learn things the hard way like I do.) Experiment with different materials. (ie., leaves and grass. Stay away from the poison oak, please. Look this up in Wikipedia if you don’t know what it looks like. Stay away from cactus. If you don’t know what a cactus looks like, I can’t help you.) You can stash some baby wipes or toilet paper in your pack, too.
When you have to go #2. Things get infinitely more uncomfortable at this stage. Refer to the previous paragraph on different ways to clean your bottom. Try them out and see what works for you. Practice squatting when your legs are tired and sore so you can figure out the best way to get back up again.
And if you have to go #2, for goodness sake get off the trail. There is nothing more disgusting than coming across a giant piece of human poo in the middle of the trail. Yes, I have seen this. More than once. It’s disgusting.
We might be training for the apocalypse, but we’re not animals. Do your business away from the trails and pack out all your garbage, including toilet paper.
7: Gut training
UPSET STOMACHS ARE synonymous with running. This is because the resources used to digest food are deployed to other parts of the body to aid in your flight. It’s good to learn how to power through a run when your stomach is upset and to experiment with different stomach states.
Try running on an empty stomach. Try running on a full stomach.
Experiment with different types of food. Pizza. Nacho Sauce. Kale Caesar. Burritos. (My personal favorite. You can often find a Big Ass Burrito in my running pack.)
I once ran a 50-miler in San Francisco fueled by spicy Bahn Mi sandwiches, pizza, and a shot of Bailey’s. It’s amazing I survived.
I have a friend who decided he was going to fuel exclusively on bacon for a 50K. I’m going to leave you in suspense and not tell you how he fared. If you’re curious, try it for yourself and see what happens!
8: Cell Phone Training
THIS IS ESSENTIAL FOR anyone who thinks surviving the zombie apocalypse is for dumbshits. (There’s always a few in every crowd.)
Practice running and using your cell phone at the same time. Text your dog, SnapChat with your frenemy, and flag a few new recipes on Pinterest. Maybe post a new picture of your awesome self sweating like an elephant while you run. #hi_mom!
Doing any of the above guarantees a) a smashed nose, b) a broken phone, and c) death by zombies.
Your friends will thank you as they run for their lives while your sorry ass gets eaten.
It’s good to have options.
9: Embrace the suffering
ABOVE ALL ELSE, REMEMBER that you’re training to be physically and mentally strong while the world around you is going to shit. If you find yourself in your running shoes and hating every minute, you’re probably doing it right.
Lace up and embrace your inner zompoc ultra badass.
You got this.
Author’s Note
THANKS SO MUCH FOR picking up the Undead Ultra Box Set! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please consider leaving an honest online review. Reviews really help independent authors spread the word about
our stories. I sincerely appreciate every review. Each one helps me find more readers.
Thanks for being part of the journey!
To learn more about Camille’s books, visit her website:
www.camillepicott.com
You can also connect with Camille on social media.
Facebook @ultrawriter
Instagram @camillepicott
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Free Gift: the untold story of Alvarez
WHEN YOU FIRST MEET Alvarez in Undead Ultra, he’s nothing more than a broken soldier in search of redemption. When he reconnects with Kate on the ham radio later in the series, he’s stepped up to lead a survivalist community.
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Undead Ultra Box Set | Books 1-4 Page 119
