Erotic Refugees

by Paddy Kelly

  “Brilliant,” Karen said. “A plan that results in them coming after us. I love it. Although … if you have been shooting your mouth off in the pub, Helena should already know all this, right? And therefore this Linus will also know. And if he does then he'll contact you somehow. Assuming he cares at all.”

  “Of course he bloody cares,” Rob said. “We're planning to make money off his site and eventually nick some of his advertisers. I'd care a lot if I was him.”

  “Then that's the plan. Do nothing, see what happens, and keep an eye out for any undesirables turning up at the launch party. Simple!”

  “As plans go, it's fairly fuckin' lightweight.”

  “Well bro, you are welcome to fix your own mess by whatever means come to mind. I know a good psychic, for example.”

  Rob gave her a resigned look. She was right, there wasn't much else they could do now, just hope for the best and get on with it.

  ”And now,” Karen said as she rubbed her hands together, “we get to work. If we make any progress, then maybe you could show me some of the town later. Some famous sights, like.”

  ”Well,” Rob said, “Malone's is a bit of a tourist destination. I’m sure I’ve seen it on a few postcards. And the cheeseburger plate is very scenic.”

  “Sounds reasonable. Now shove over and let's get to work, shall we?”

  Rob stood on the corner of the little park across the road from Kajsa's building. He could see a light on in her flat, but he wasn't sure if that meant anyone was home. There was no shadow passing the window, no flicker of a TV. And even if she was home, maybe she was there with somebody? Maybe even Some Guy?

  Rob felt he had to see her and it wasn't just the five pints he’d knocked back with Karen that had convinced him of that. He simply felt a need to apologise to her. For what, he wasn't exactly sure. Suspecting a person of something in their absence didn't really require an apology. Or maybe he didn't really want to apologise at all but only find out who’d really been leaking their ideas to Diamond Date. But, if that was the case, then why did he feel so stupidly guilty?

  Rob realised there was only one way to find out if she was in. He found her home number in his mobile and, with an unfamiliar pressure building in his chest, pressed dial and held his breath. It went buu-baa-beep in a rising tone a few times, after which a robot Swedish voice came on to inform him the number was no longer in service.

  Rob jabbed the red button with an irritated grunt. He could try her mobile but … no. It was a bad idea. This all was. He shoved his phone in his pocket and stared up at the window, watching for the slightest flicker of movement. It took him five minutes to realise it wasn’t going to happen. So he folded up his collar, pulled on his gloves and headed for home, with one thought foremost in his mind.

  He just hated it when Karen was right about stuff.

  Chapter 33

  Eoin was very good at pool. He found this surprised people although he didn't really understand why. There hadn't been a great deal to do while growing up in a medium-sized Irish town in the eighties. There were pirate videos to rent, and arcade games to play, and adventure game-books to cheat your way through. If you were a bit hard, you could also try your hand at drinking or hanging around corners, but Eoin and his friends weren’t hard and those things weren't an option.

  Pool had been their way to be tough. You could earn huge respect through your skill at bouncing balls off cushions and putting them in holes. Not that the respect garnered from losers and bar flies was hugely important to have, but respect was respect and you took it where you could get it.

  “Yer a total bastard,” Rob said in disbelief as Eoin tapped in the black for the third time in a row. “The first two I thought, nah, he's just lucky, but now I'm sure of it. What are ye, a shark? A secret shark dressed up as a … a tuna?”

  Eoin shoved in the coins and hummed to himself as the balls clattered out again. He arranged them in the triangle which he then lifted off and spun deftly between his fingers. He stood back. “Your break.”

  “Fine,” Rob said. He was grim with concentration as he lined up and moved the cue back and forth a few times. He walloped the white and watched in amazement as it glanced off the side of the pack, sending only a few balls rolling, and ended up in an easy spot in the middle of the table.

  “Don't worry,” Eoin said as he strolled around to find the best position. “I always get worse after the third beer or so.”

  “Ye've only had the one,” Rob observed.

  “True,” Eoin said. He clobbered the number twelve against the side cushion and turned away to grab his beer. The ball bounced, tricked across the table and dropped into the middle pocket while Eoin still had his back to it.

  “Oh,” he said with a look of fake surprise when he turned around. He chalked his cue and blew at the tip. “Me again, it seems.”

  Rob sat on his stool with a heavy sigh and grabbed his pint. “Well, I hope the launch goes better than this bloody game.”

  “The game's going great,” Eoin said. “For some of us anyway. And the launch will be fine too. Milly’s on top of things, isn't she?”

  “Oh yeah. I had her in my ear all morning going through her latest fixes, and it's all water-tight. The site's ticking over, the beta testers are testin' and the sausage rolls are all piled up and ready for the oven.”

  Eoin propped his cue in a corner and sat down. “But are we sure Dating Dirt is the right idea? I mean, some of the other ones were good too—”

  “Stop the frettin' Eoin. We did a good job. Now either it'll float like a turd—”

  “Or it'll sink like those other turds, the ones that sink,” Eoin finished for him.

  “Yeah,” Rob said with a scowl. “Those turds. We won't think about those turds. I'm just hopin' some lawyer from Diamond Date doesn't turn up and start makin' a whole pile of trouble. Last thing we need.”

  “Do you expect them to? I mean, we're not much of a threat to them, are we?”

  “Money's money. And from what I've heard of Linus he doesn't let things slide. Plus if Helena is actually the leak, it'll be nice to confirm it. Maybe I should invite a lawyer for us too, in case things get nasty. Can we get one of Alice's friends? Tell 'em there'll be sausage rolls?”

  “Doubtful,” Eoin said. “Anyway, Andy will be there if muscle is needed. And so will Alice.”

  “Really?” Rob looked impressed. “Nice work there. How did ye get 'em both to agree to that? Being in the same place, I mean?”

  Eoin looked shifty. He poked at a beer mat.

  “Eoin. What did ye do? Tell yer uncle Rob now.”

  “Well, I didn't quite tell them they'd both be there. Not in so many words.”

  Rob grinned and shook his head in mock despair. “This won't be good Eoin, not good at all. There'll be a cat-fight for sure. Those two shouldn't be mixed against their will. They’re like water and … gin.”

  “I don't care,” Eoin said, looking determined. "I don't like it when people are being stubborn. They've got things to fix up, and they won't do it by themselves, so I'll have to do it for them. I mean, it's not like I lied—”

  “Hang on though, Andy asked me if Alice was comin' and I said she wasn't. Cos that's what you told me. So ye did lie.”

  Eoin nodded. “Sorry. I just want to get this fixed. And since they won't help me, I'll have to do it for them.”

  Rob checked out a girl in leather trousers as she passed by the table. When she turned a corner he reached for his pint and drained the remaining third. He looked at Eoin. “You know what?”

  Eoin shrugged. “No, what?”

  “I thought you were a right dry bastard when I met ye.” He put down his Guinness. “Looks like I was wrong. Yer at best only mildly annoying.”

  Eoin blushed. He wasn't good at dealing with positive comments.

  “Um, thanks. And you're … not so bad yourself.”

  They were silent for a moment as they stared at each other. They both knew, just like the incident in the ca
r on the way from Ikea, that this would be consigned to the emotional shoebox in the back of the cupboard and never be mentioned again. Gone, but still remembered.

  Rob broke the silence by slapping his hands together. “Well maybe we should get back to the thrashing at hand, yeah? Winner of this game gets the next pints.”

  “You wish,” Eoin said as he stood up and reached for his cue. “I'll give you lessons if you want. I'm very reasonable.” He leaned over and took a long shot at a hanging ball. He shook his head in irritation as it missed the pocket by wide margin and gestured for Rob to take his shot.

  Rob leapt joyfully to the table. He probably knew that Eoin had missed on purpose to give him a chance. If he did, he didn’t say anything and lined up his next shot with a gleeful look.

  “Prepare to meet yer doom, Dundalk boy.”

  Eoin nodded with a warm smile. “Bring it on.”

  Chapter 34

  By twenty to seven the preparations for the launch party were almost done. Two long tables had been put out in the main room, one on either side. These were covered with food, snacks, wine and beer. There were also computer stations set up around the room, eight of them in total, and the Dating Dirt site would be running on all of them.

  The total area they'd rented was over two hundred square metres, including a kitchen and two bathrooms, and Rob’s aim was to have no single point that was more than five steps from food or drink of some description. And it looked like he might succeed.

  He turned his attention to Ellinor who was sitting behind the desk by the front door. “You got it then? Nobody comes in except for the people on this list and the beta testers. Not even if they bribe ye. Although, if it's a big bribe, give me a shout.”

  “Right,” Ellinor said. “And these beta testers will just look like beta testers, will they? Or will they have a special handshake?”

  “No, they'll have invitations, with their username and a code we sent them. Just read, it's all on that list there!”

  Milly appeared and planted a kiss on Ellinor's cheek. “Just pretend he's the boss, he likes it that way. So, anybody else we should be ushering through the gate Rob?”

  “Well, journalists, obviously. And people who look like they date a lot. And … oh I don't know, just use your women's intuition, yeah?”

  “Yes sir,” Ellinor said. She gave an ironic bow. “Boss sir.”

  Rob grinned. “Now that's what I'm talkin' about!”

  He stuck his head out the door and gave a shiver as he glanced up and down the street. “Jaysus, it's a graveyard out there. Couldn't we have picked a quieter day for this, like Christmas Eve? Or the King's funeral?”

  “Wednesday means a cheap rent,” Milly said. “And those sausage rolls in there aren’t free, you know.”

  Eoin appeared, carrying a bundle of cables. “Aren't Eamonn and Andy here yet?” he said with an edge of panic. He was dressed up for the occasion in a white shirt and black waistcoat. “We're still waiting for that projector.”

  “Look, relax, they'll be here,” Rob said. “Where there's wine, there's Eamonn.”

  Karen dashed up. Rob was glad to see she had only the barest hint of make-up and was wearing nothing more outlandish than black jeans and a grey t-shirt.

  “What's with all this talking, bro? The doors are opening soon and there's a pile of things to get done!”

  “The girl's got a point,” Milly said. “We should start by going over our strategy for the evening. Lead on, Karen.”

  Rob followed the group to the little podium at the other end of the room. On the wall behind the podium hung a garish banner with the words “Dating Dirt” in big purple letters. Milly had added a spontaneous tagline at the last second: You have to dig some dirt to find some gold! And Rob thought that was kind of good.

  She'd also printed up a pile of glossy documents summarising the concept, as well as a hundred and twenty badges with the shovel logo on a yellow background. All that was missing, Rob thought, was a priest to sprinkle some holy water around and bless the whole thing. A rich priest who very much liked investing in websites.

  They arranged themselves in a circle in front of the podium with Milly in the centre.

  “Well it looks to me like we're ready,” she said.

  “The lights are a bit bright though,” Karen said.

  “And there's no music,” Ellinor added.

  “Plus,” Eoin said, “that projector hasn't showed up—”

  “Relax, it'll be here!” Rob said. “And if it doesn't show then we'll just do that sock-puppet show we talked about.”

  “Oh can it Rob,” Milly said. “What about the guests? Karen, who did you invite?”

  “Who didn't I invite?” Karen said. “Arts and culture people, magazines, newspapers, and any useful bloggers I could track down. A few of them said yes, and a few more said maybe, but I’ve really no idea who's going to make it.”

  “Good. And, oh, I forgot!” Milly reached behind the podium. She pulled out a clump of yellow fabric that resolved itself into a dozen t-shirts. “I just got them!”

  Karen stared at the t-shirts and their glaring logo with undisguised horror. “No way I'm wearing that.” She patted her shoulder bag. “I've got my outfit right here.”

  “I'm not wearing them either,” Eoin said. “How will we get any respect if we look like we're selling burgers?”

  “Oh alright then,” Milly said. “We'll just give the things out as freebies. It's a business expense anyway, tax deductible. Oh, here comes somebody now!”

  They heard the sound of a car pulling up outside the door, followed by slamming doors and a barrage of swears in an Irish accent.

  “It's the projector!” Eoin said.

  Milly raised a hand. “Hang on Eoin, before you dash off there's just one more thing to do. And we can't skip it.” She produced a stack of plastic champagne glasses along with a large bottle containing something orange and fizzy. Once the glasses were handed out she filled each one and raised her own in a toast.

  Rob frowned at the contents of his glass. “What's this?”

  Karen peered into it. “I do declare it's Fanta! Quite popular on your planet I believe.”

  “Oh ye think.” Rob glared at it. “It's not really a toast if there isn't any alcohol. That's probably a law.”

  “Rob,” Milly said cheerfully. “Just shut up. And the rest of you, here's to a successful launch!”

  “Cheers!” they said as one and downed their fizzy orange.

  “And now people,” Milly said, “it's action stations! Let's go get 'em and don't you even think about letting me down. Or you'll have to wear those t-shirts until Christmas!”

  Karen emerged from the kitchen as the first of the guests were arriving. Rob, with an armful of napkins, stopped dead and stared at her. “What, bro?” She gave him an innocent look as she nudged her breasts into position inside her sleek black bodice.

  “Right, now I'll just need somebody to lace me up.”

  “Jaysus, Karen,” Rob said. “Isn't it just a bit—”

  “I'll fix that,” Milly said, slipping between them elegantly.

  Karen shrugged as Milly went to work, tugging on the laces. “I really don't know what he's worried about. He should see what I wear when I go clubbing.”

  Rob raised a hand. “Stop, I don't want to know any more. Just pray the mother doesn't hear about it, is all.”

  He hurried to the front door where Ellinor was checking off three guys against the names on the list. Rob looked them over but didn't see any resemblance to Kajsa's brother Linus. He wasn't really expecting Linus to make a personal appearance but he still felt he should be on the lookout for suspicious people. It couldn't hurt.

  Eoin stepped up, in perfect gentleman mode, and welcomed the newcomers in faultless (if slow) Swedish. One of them muttered something as he peered around. Eoin, in reply, pointed out where the beer was. That seemed to satisfy the group and they headed for the beer table where Milly greeted them with a brilliant smile.


  “Looking good,” Eoin muttered and Rob nodded his approval. It was filling up nicely and the conversation had reached a comfortable level. Now they could let things roll and the party part should take care of itself. Which just left the main event of the evening, the presentation, to worry about.

  Rob spotted Andy at one the computer stations. He was looking very sharp in a blue shirt, wide black suspenders and shiny shoes. Rob nodded to him, glad he wouldn't be taking care of the kerfuffle when Alice arrived and they both realised Eoin had tricked them. That was Eoin's mess, and he had plenty to worry about already.

  “Rob!” hissed somebody from across the room. He looked around and saw Karen waving to him, in a frantic “get your arse over here right now” way. Rob got his arse over there and joined Karen and Milly by the nacho and dip corner.

  “What is it?”

  “That one there.” Karen pointed. “He's a journalist. Ellinor gave me the signal from the door when he came in.”

  Rob looked the man over. He was a typical Södermalm media type with sleek jeans, big black-framed glasses and a bushy woodsman's beard. He was standing alone at one of the viewing stations, clicking around on the site and looking just a bit lost.

  “I'll take him,” Karen hissed.

  “No way, he's mine,” Milly whispered back. “You'll just scare him. Look, he's all nervous already.”

  “But Milly,” Rob said, “you don't even like men!”

  “I like them well enough, Rob. I just don't do the wet slappy dance with them.” She cleared her throat and stuck her chest out. “Well, here goes then. Wish me luck!” And off she went.

  “Keep your eyes open for any more,” Rob whispered to Karen.

  “Yes sir, Rob sir.” She nudged him away. “Go on now bro, get out there and mingle. Ellinor will let me know when the next one arrives.”

  Rob swung by the other end of the buffet table and grabbed a couple of sandwiches. He cornered two guests and invited them to tell him about their beta-testing experiences. He listened intently as they talked, and laughed at their jokes, and fixed new drinks for them when they seemed to require them. By the end of the ten minutes they seemed to believe they were as interesting as Rob pretended to find them. And that, he figured, was the point of the whole evening.