Erotic Refugees

by Paddy Kelly

  Very loud music blared out for a moment and stilled all conversation. “Sorry!” Eamonn yelled from behind the podium where he sat fiddling with a smartphone and a speaker system. The volume faded to a background level and the conversation got going again.

  Rob found Eoin. “What was that shite music?”

  Eoin grinned. “I do believe it was Air Supply!”

  “Air Supply!” Karen said, swinging in from the right bearing a tray of smoked-salmon sandwiches. “Brilliant. Just the right level of cheesiness!”

  “If ye say so,” Rob said. “I just hope we don't make everyone leave. Ah, there's a bunch for me now. Keep up the good work, people!”

  He headed off to intercept a group of four people who'd just appeared at the door. And as he passed through the crowd he saw the talk was flowing, the drinks were going down and the punters were laughing. Rob had the unusual feeling that for once, things might actually be turning out according to plan.

  And why wouldn't they? Surely, after all the bad luck he'd had, the universe owed this one. Just this one night where everything went his way and there were no nasty surprises. That couldn't be too much to ask for. Could it?

  Chapter 35

  Eoin watched as Rob positioned himself at the podium and clinked his glass with a fork. This was it then, the moment when all their hard work would pay off, or else collapse around them in a sad pile. He shuffled to the left of the podium, ready to field any questions Rob couldn't handle. He was incredibly grateful, grateful beyond measure, that he wasn't the one standing behind it and about to turn on the charm.

  Rob, with seventy slightly tipsy people staring at him, cleared his throat and started to talk. “It's alright if I do this in English? Since I’m a foreigner and right lazy.”

  There came a spattering of nervous laughter which Rob seemed to take as a yes.

  “Well,” he said, “it's nice ye could all make it. So this is Dating Dirt and the whole idea is quite simple. I mean, ye wouldn't buy a car or a camera or even a toaster based on what the manufacturer says, right? And so why try and find a partner in the same way? Doesn't make any sense, does it? But what a person says on their dating profile just has to be accepted as fact. There's no place to go for advice, or tips, or even a second opinion. Or at least there wasn't … until now!”

  Eoin watched Rob tap a key on his laptop, causing the projected logo on the wall to change into the first page of the site. There was some more applause and he quickly scanned the crowd as Rob gave a bow behind the podium. He was relieved to see the audience were paying attention. Hopefully even enjoying it. So far so good.

  He was also watching out for a certain tall lady to make her appearance, and wondering what the hell would happen when she did.

  “Many of ye have seen this already,” Rob went on. “But I'll give a quick summary for the others, who braved the cold to come out tonight.” He turned around and drew a ring with a laser pointer. “Right, we'll start here.”

  Eoin spotted movement by the door and swallowed. It was Alice. She gave a quick wave when she caught his eye and peeled off her jacket to reveal a dress so pink and glittery it looked like bubblegum rolled in sequins. Ellinor was showing her where to hang her jacket while Eoin looked frantically around, trying to locate Andy.

  So far the plan had been a success, as they were both in the same room. But now there was no more actual plan, and Eoin realised that he'd just have to wing it. And if there was one thing Eoin knew he didn't do well, it was winging it.

  “And ye can see how easy it is to register,” Rob was saying. “Just three fields, and there we are—a new user, all ready to read the gossip about his date!”

  Eoin spotted Andy filling a plate by the buffet table. All that separated him from Alice was a knot of people. She was moving forward, skirting the other side of the crowd but it wouldn't be long until they saw each other and the bomb went off. Eoin looked around in desperation, wondering if there were sprinklers, and then wondering what the hell he'd do with them if there were. The winging-it, he realised, was not going very well, and the ground was approaching at a fearsome speed.

  “We'll pick this little lady here, Sunflower4,” Rob said, “and see her stats. She's a looker alright, four people have given her thumbs up, so not a bad start.”

  Eoin knew he should dash out, intercept Alice and explain the situation. But he couldn't because he was needed at the podium in case somebody asked a question that Rob couldn't answer. Or worse yet, a question Rob tried to answer in a half-arsed way and ended up blowing the entire thing. So Eoin was stuck where he was, and could do nothing but watch the disaster on the floor unfold.

  “And it's not just for men,” Rob was saying. “The ladies probably have more reason to check the dark history of their dates than the guys do. See this icon, for example.” A quick snatch of snoring came from the speakers and a few actual laughs came from the audience. “And what lady doesn't want to know how a man sounds in the sack before getting him in it, right? Well now they can.”

  At that moment Alice spotted Andy, and Andy spotted Alice. They shared quite a brief look before Alice turned to stare accusingly at Eoin. The penny had dropped, and it didn't take long for a similar penny to drop for Andy. He turned around and added his glare to Alice's. Eoin felt himself shrivel up under so much glare. The winging-it had officially failed, and now everything was about to go tits-up.

  Alice crossed the room and came to a halt in front of Andy. They talked for a moment, but she seemed strangely calm, not angry at all. Andy, likewise, was keeping his composure and Eoin strained to hear what they were saying over the noise of the Rob's presentation. What the hell was happening down there?

  Rob kept on talking. “And this icon here, with the little elephant … well, ye can probably guess that's not good. That's our BTA warning flag. BTA of course stands for 'Bigger Than Advertised' and I'm sure anyone who's been on an Internet date can work out what that means. Unless ye've been lucky as hell up to now!”

  Alice turned to Eoin. With an angry gesture she stabbed at her watch and pointed towards the small kitchen in the back corner. Eoin nodded in understanding. He would meet her there when Rob was done, and should prepare to have his fingers broken. Then, with Andy beside her, she made for the kitchen. Eoin shook his head—what the hell was going on with those two?

  “…so if ye want to buy a book, go to Amazon,” Rob was saying, nearing the end of his presentation. “But if ye want to find a partner, somebody to hold onto forever, well then come on down to Dating Dirt!”

  He produced a length of red ribbon and wrapped it around his laptop. “And now,” he announced, “our graphics designer, my very own lovely sister, will do the honours!”

  Karen sidled up, effortlessly drawing the eye of every man in the room. She took the scissors, gave a curtsey, and cut the ribbon. Eoin and Milly started clapping and shortly the whole audience were clapping along with them. Rob took the scissors and gave Karen a grateful nod.

  “That's me done,” Rob said from the podium. “Now go try the site for yerself at the computers we've put out. Plus there's food and there's booze and we have this place until eleven, so feel free to amuse yerselves in any way that’s legal. And if any of that wine's left over let's just say we'll be very annoyed. Won't we Karen?”

  Karen gave them a dangerous look. “We sure will.”

  The crowd broke up, muttering happily as they spread out towards the food and drink tables. Eoin, with massive relief, turned to Rob.

  “Nice job, I think they all got the idea. Look I'll be back in a minute, I have to talk to somebody. You should fix yourself a drink.”

  “A drink is it?” Rob fixed him with a manic grin. “No, I don’t want a bloody drink, I want them all. Hurry on back man, we have a party to whip up!”

  Eoin nodded and set his sights on the kitchen door, wondering exactly what manner of tempest awaited him inside.

  “Again,” Eoin said. “Take it again, the short version this time.”
r />   “Look, it's very simple,” Alice said. She was sitting at the kitchen table with Andy sitting beside her. Eoin was standing in front of the table, staring at them both in bewilderment.

  “The reason I wanted you to give up your little crusade about Andy and me is that we're already seeing each other.”

  Eoin frowned and bit his lip. Nope, it just wasn’t helping.

  “But you were … I mean, before…”

  “I know Eoin,” Alice said, as if giving instructions to a very stupid dog. “But when you brought Andy back into my life I realised you were right. That I should see him and patch things up.” She smiled. “And well, it turned into a bit more than patching up.”

  Eoin looked from her to Andy and back again. He sat down and shook his head, beginning to feel like a bit of an idiot.

  “Right. But, like … why didn't you tell me?”

  “Well we planned to, eventually, in our own time. But then you came sniffing around, trying to fix something that was already fixed. And there was tonight, getting us both to lie and pretend on all those levels. I mean, I knew Andy was coming, because he’d told me, so I spotted your brilliant plan right away. But then I had to pretend to not know, and work out what to do when we saw each other here. And well”—she leaned back in her chair and shook her head—“madness.”

  Eoin nodded. “So how long…?”

  “Since that evening you stormed away from my apartment. I realised then you might be right. And, well, you were, and here we are.”

  Eoin studied them both and felt a sudden flush of warmth. So he’d actually done it! He’d got two confused lovers back together again! They sat there before him, Andy with a warm grin on his face, and Alice looking happier than he’d ever seen her. It definitely seemed that his plan, although by accident, had actually worked.

  Now all he had to do was discover how to fix his own love life, and the world would be a great place indeed.

  Chapter 36

  Rob had the red wine in his sights but Milly caught up with him just as he was lifting the bottle.

  “Nice talk Rob, but I need your help. There's a situation at the door.”

  “Really, like a gate-crasher?” Rob looked pleased. He put the bottle down and strained to see over the heads of the guests. “Some kind of argy-bargy? Or is it that Linus guy?”

  “Worse. A woman looking for you, by name.” She cupped his ear with a hand and whispered. “She says you knocked her up.”

  Rob stopped breathing as a chill exploded through his body. He gaped at her with raw terror and it didn't take long for Milly to burst out laughing.

  “Oh I'm so sorry Rob, I couldn't help it, you were just wide open for that one. She's not pregnant, really, she isn't. But there is a woman waiting, I promise. Go on, I'll be mingle master for a while!”

  Rob, still muttering about Milly's bad joke, found Ellinor standing by the door with her arms folded. She looked small and tough, like some arse-kicking marine from a space film. And standing just outside the door, wearing a red coat and black beret, was Kajsa.

  For the second time in less than a minute, Rob found himself speechless.

  “Rob. I just came to tell you something—”

  His heart sank. Well, this had to be it then. Kajsa was the snitch, how else would she have known about the party? He was surprised by the depths of his own disappointment. Damned Kajsa, standing there all red and curvy and guilty. What a bloody waste.

  “My brother Linus, he's in your party.”

  Rob shook his head. “No, we've been looking out for him. He's not in there. And how would you know that anyway?”

  “I heard him talking on the phone about it. Somebody tipped him off about your project and he's here to make trouble. He likes making trouble.”

  “Oh,” Rob said, with a touch of confusion. Did that mean she was the snitch or not? He wasn’t following.

  “So you didn't … I mean, you weren't the one…”

  Kajsa narrowed her eyes. “The one who what?”

  Rob's mouth opened of its own accord and began to babble.

  “Well, I thought ye might have told that brother of yours about our last idea, because he nicked it. And that was okay, I was a bit of an arse, so ye were well entitled to do it … except, well, ye didn't do it, obviously…”

  Kajsa glared at him, and Rob realised it was probably time to shut up.

  “Look,” she said, “he's in there somewhere. And I came all the way here to warn you, because he's not up to good things. He's here to make trouble, and you should probably find him.”

  Rob shook his head. “Thanks, but he's not in there, is he? It's just beta testers and journalists and people looking for a free night out. Nobody else. Plus I've been keeping an eye out for him, I'd have noticed.”

  She gave him a doubtful look. “And how do you know what Linus looks like, may I ask?”

  “Well I've seen his photo on Facebook—”

  “Facebook! Rob, that's years old. Take away about ten kilos and add a moustache and a haircut. Think Rhett Butler, I always tell him he looks like that now, and he hates it. Go look, he's in there and you'll find him. And good luck. With all this and … everything.”

  She turned and had taken a couple of steps before Rob managed to blurt out, “Wait!” She turned back and looked at him expectantly. Rob licked his lips, unsure of what to say.

  “Um, thanks for telling me. I know ye didn't have to.”

  Kajsa nodded, her gaze lingering for longer than was necessary. She turned around once more and hurried off.

  “This,” Ellinor said from behind him, “is probably the time to run after her and say some clichés.”

  “Oh, ye think?” Rob watched as Kajsa crossed the street, turned left and disappeared from view. He shook his head.

  “Well, maybe another time. Right now I've got other problems. Do ye have that photo of the guy we were supposed to be looking out for and didn't find?

  Ellinor ripped it off the table and handed it to him. “He's not here though, I did check.”

  “Well what about guys with moustaches?”

  Ellinor nodded. “A couple. What, is he in disguise?”

  “Something like that. Look, let nobody leave, especially people with facial hair. It's a full facial hair lockdown, got it?”

  She confirmed her instructions and Rob hurried off with a determined look, holding the crinkled page like a treasure map in his hand. He hadn't gone ten steps when somebody tapped him on the shoulder. He looked around in surprise and saw nothing less than a moustache, with a man attached to it.

  “Was that my sister? Didn't you invite her in?”

  Rob stared at him, checked the photo, and stared again.

  “Look,” he said, “I don't know how you got in here, but—”

  “I'm a beta-tester,” Linus said, in a voice that seemed far too deep to belong to that skinny body. “I can show you my invitation, if you like. And I've done my beta-testing and now I'm here.” He looked around. “Nice spread, the smoked salmon is great. You're the one in charge, I take it?”

  “Well, one of them—”

  “Good enough. Let's talk. Somewhere quiet.”

  Rob swallowed. Here it comes—the axe suspended, about to drop. “I suppose we could go to the kitchen?”

  “Lead on. Let me grab a couple of these sausage rolls and I'll be right behind you.”

  Andy and Alice were sitting in the kitchen, gazing at each other over a bottle of wine. Alice turned and looked from Rob to Linus. “Oh. Should we vanish?”

  Rob nodded. They picked up their glasses and left, closing the door carefully behind them. Linus sat down with Rob across from him and they stared at each other as Linus tapped his fingers on the table.

  “You know, it feels like you were expecting me.”

  “Well,” Rob said, “I had a feeling. Since ye seem to know a lot about what we're up to. I mean, the kid-week thing was our first hint.”

  Linus gave a look of angelic innocence. “I'm s
orry, the kid-week thing?”

  “Oh come on, don't be a tit. I know ye swiped the idea from us, I just wasn't sure how. But it was Helena Sandqvist, wasn't it? Hah, I saw that, I saw the twitch, so don't try and deny it!”

  “Well I won't deny I know Helena, but otherwise I don't know what you're talking about.”

  “Sure ye don't.” Rob sighed. This man wasn't giving much away. “I'm having wine, want some?”

  Linus made a “whatever” gesture and Rob took two glasses from the cupboard, filled them and set them down on the table. Linus took his glass and wiped some drops from the rim with his finger.

  “As a beta-tester,” Linus said, “I have to say your site's not too bad.”

  “Good,” Rob said. “We know. But how the hell did ye get to be a beta tester? I thought we were filtering the applicants.”

  “Not well enough, obviously,” he said. “You should have a word with the person in charge of that part. But anyway, Rob … you realise we can't have you using the Diamond Date user base in your site?”

  “Why not? It's just a mash-up. We're using profiles from lots of sites, not just yours, that's the whole point. And it's hardly illegal—”

  “Well”—tap, tap went the fingers—“to be honest, I have no idea, and that's why I have lawyers. They tell me what's illegal and what isn’t. And they can usually find something to be illegal if I want them to. Plus we have the time and money to look. Do you?”

  Rob swirled the wine in his glass. This was turning bad very fast.

  “So what, we close the site? Just like that?”

  “Not at all, I can't make you do that. But I can ask you to not link to user profiles on Diamond Date, even indirectly. And I can ask you nicely and if you don't do it nicely then I can ask you legally.”