“You don’t see that back home.” Not even in the rural south where I’m from.
“No billies living outside of your shopping center?”
“Definitely not.”
I grow to love this way of life more every day. I could see myself being happy in a village.
We walk down to the restaurant, which is really just counter service with a few tables and chairs within the general store. We choose to sit next to a window so we can look out over the tree-covered uplands and watch the kids come to the fence to play with the goats.
A pair of young boys is poking their fingers through the wire to pet the animals. They’re wearing matching Peruvian-style monkey hats with the tassels hanging on each side. Adorable. A woman, their mother, I presume, photographs them.
That could be me soon. Snapping pictures of two little boys. Except I always imagine us with a little girl. Maybe one with red hair like Isobel.
Day two of distractions is a success. I had a wonderful time with Sin. I visited my first castle. Explored a loch and walked on its beach while holding my husband’s hand. Ate fish and chips for lunch in a charming Scottish village and shopped in the market. Sin enjoyed the distillery and tasting. Perhaps a little too much. The bus is pulling away and he already appears to be asleep.
We spent the day hanging with normal folk. It was nice while it lasted. Now we return to Fellowship life.
And wait to learn if I’m the daughter of a monster.
* * *
Shit. It’s already morning. I slept ten hours and I’m still exhausted. Yesterday’s tour involved a lot of walking so it robbed me of the small amount of energy the anemia leaves me.
My mouth waters when I smell food. Maybe waffles. Possibly pancakes. Definitely bacon. Except what the Scots refer to as bacon is what I’d call ham. Whatever the name, it’s delish.
I roll on to my side and I feel something. A bubble? A flutter?
The realization of what it is hits me and I squeal. “Sin! Come here. Quick.”
He rushes into the room with wide eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“I just felt the babies move!”
“You scared the fuck out of me.”
I did shout pretty loudly. “Sorry. I got really excited. It was only a tiny little flutter but I know that’s what it was. It was exactly as the book describes it.”
I knew it was fine that I had not yet felt them at nineteen weeks but the anticipation has been killing me.
Sin comes to me and puts his hand on my tummy. “Not feeling it now?”
“No. It lasted two or three seconds and was gone.”
“I’m pretty sure they’ll have to be much bigger for me to be able to feel their movement,” he says.
I would think so as well. “Sorry to call you in here for nothing.”
“It wasn’t nothing. You felt our babies move for the first time. That’s very exciting.”
“I smell pancakes or waffles and bacon.”
“Waffles. I was going to bring you breakfast in bed but would you prefer to come to the table?”
No way. I want to be catered to. “Let’s have breakfast in bed together.”
“As you wish.”
I get up and perform my morning routine before springing back into bed to await my food.
Sin comes into our bedroom carrying a tray. There’s even a vase with a fresh rose. “Where did you get that?”
“The market.”
“You’ve already been out this morning?”
“I had to pick up the things I needed for breakfast.” He places the tray over my lap. “You look fresh. Does that mean you brushed your teeth and won’t dodge me if I try to steal a kiss?”
“Yes.”
He leans down and kisses me. “Mmm … minty good.”
He goes around and climbs in on his side of the bed.
I’m excited to hear what today’s distraction will be. “What are we doing after breakfast?”
“I made an appointment with my mother’s decorator. We’re meeting her and Mum at our new house in two hours.”
“I can’t believe she was available on such short notice.”
Sin laughs. “It helps when your mum is her most important client. She’s willing to bend her schedule to accommodate when Isobel Breckenridge calls.”
Isobel made the arrangements. That’s so sweet.
“Is it all right if Ellison comes?”
“Of course.”
“Was she up when you brought breakfast?”
“No. That lass can sleep like the dead. I bet she didn’t budge when you squealed earlier.”
“She worked nights for years. Her internal clock is still out of kilter.” I put my fork down. I’ve eaten as much as I can. “This was very good but I’m stuffed.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” Sin takes my tray from my lap.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband. “I’m still awed by how good you are to me.”
“I promised you I would do everything I could to make you happy. I meant that.”
“And you do. Every single day.”
Chapter Eighteen
Sinclair Breckenridge
House buying. Castle tour. Village shopping. Interior design. It was fun while it lasted but my game of distractions has come to an end. Three days of waiting have come and gone. Time for the truth.
Bleu and I go into our bedroom since it’s the only place we have complete privacy. We sit side by side on our bed. She clutches the manila envelope containing her paternity results but makes no move to open it.
“You aren’t obligated to read the results. If you don’t feel ready, you can put it away until a later time. If you never feel ready, that’s fine too. Understand that reading it right now isn’t your only choice.”
“I don’t think I can deprive myself of the relief I’ll feel if it proves I’m not his daughter.”
She’s assuming Todd isn’t her father. “That might not be what it says. What then?”
“You know me. I can handle anything as long as it’s the truth.” That’s proven true so far but this is a completely different circumstance. I’m afraid for Bleu but I must support her decision. That’s my job as her husband.
She takes a deep breath and opens the flap, pulling out the test results. She passes it to me without a glance. “Please read it for me. I can’t do it.”
One doesn’t simply glance at paternity test results for a quick answer. There isn’t a yes or no box. It’s complicated but after a moment, I decipher the verdict. Conclusion: cannot be excluded. Paternity probability is ninety-nine point ninety-nine percent. Todd Cockburn is her father.
“You aren’t saying anything. That can’t be good.”
I fold the results and place it on the bed. “He’s your biological father.”
Bleu nods and stares straight ahead at the wall. “Okay. The only thing this changes is what I’ll say before I kill him.”
We’ve had this argument before so here’s the same song, second verse. “We’ve talked about this, Bonny.”
“You said you didn’t want me putting myself in danger. Todd’s contained. He won’t be a threat to me. Firing a weapon doesn’t put me or the babies in danger.” That’s her opinion.
“Physically, no. But you don’t fully understand the impact a premeditated murder can have on your mental status. Now it’s further complicated by the fact that he’s your biological father.” There’s no way that won’t wreak havoc on her emotionally.
“It’s not a complication. It’s an unfortunate detail.”
“One you’ve not yet had time to process.”
“What is there to process? He knocked my mom up. She ran from him and gave birth to me. He killed her and tried to kill me. I think I’ve processed it all quite well.” I wish it were that simple.
What I’m about to tell her is going to cause problems. “I can’t let you do it.”
“You won’t let me? What does that mean?”
“Exactly what I said.”
“Who do you intend to have do it, then?”
“Me.”
“You know what this means to me. It’s my one last sin. I’ve spent eighteen years searching for this man. I’ve devoted my life to it. It’s all I’ve lived and breathed since I was seven years old. Seven! My entire childhood and adult life has revolved around this and now you tell me you’re going to take it from me.”
“Please try to understand where I’m coming from.”
She shakes her head.
“Bonny.”
I move toward her but she puts her hands up. “No.”
She’s furious. She needs to cool down before we discuss this further.
I gather my laptop and case files from the corner chair, putting them into my briefcase. “I’ll be at the office if you need anything.”
No reply.
“Love you, Bonny.”
She responds by going into the bathroom and slamming the door.
“See you tonight.”
* * *
This situation is already turning my wife into someone she’s not. Bleu is always mature and rational, more so than any other woman I’ve known. The person I just argued with was not.
I arrive at BI but it’s not my office I go to first; it’s my father’s. I tap on his door. “Do you have a minute?”
“Sure.”
“I need to update you about some new findings.”
He places his pen on his desk. “Sounds serious.”
“Bleu is Todd Cockburn’s daughter.”
My dad motions for me to shut the door. “I assume she isn’t taking that well.”
“Her only reaction is that she wants to be the one to kill him.”
“She’ll need to take a number because she’s not the only one. I’m not sure how I’ve kept from going over to the black site and blowing his head off his shoulders.”
My father did not take well to finding out that Todd had killed Amanda Lawrence, but learning about Cara is what broke him and Mum. They immediately blamed themselves because Todd is part of our circle. They felt as though they didn’t protect her from him.
“I appreciate you not doing that while we waited for the paternity results.”
“Bleu’s in no condition to be assassinating anyone.” He doesn’t have to convince me.
“Do I need to step in as her leader to solve the problem?”
“No. She’s very aware that the possibility is off the table if I say so.”
“You’re her leader, yet she’s fighting you on this.” Bleu doesn’t have a submissive bone in her body.
“She feels she can because she’s my wife. And she’s a hard-ass. It complicates things.”
I’m about to ask the impossible of my father. “I understand how much you want to kill Todd. He took your daughter and the woman you loved. But Cara and Amanda are gone. Bleu lives and won’t be whole until her mother’s murder is avenged. I fear carrying it out herself will bring her more damage than healing. As her husband, I need to do this for her. With due respect, I’m asking you to pass this duty on to me.”
“This is a lot to ask.”
“I know, Dad. My father and my wife want the same thing. I know what it means to both of you, so it’s with a heavy heart that I make this request.”
“I can’t bring back Cara or Amanda. If you believe this will help heal Bleu, I won’t deny you of that possibility.”
My mind is at ease. “Thank you.”
“When will you do it?”
“I suppose that depends on how well things go with Bleu.”
“I wish you the best of luck, son.”
My day is long. I’m distracted. I can only think of Bleu and how she’ll react to what I’m going to do.
I’ve texted her three times without any kind of response. I’m not at all pleased about that. I would be worried about her safety if Kyle and Blare weren’t with her.
The workday ends and I’m not ready to go home to another fight, so I make a detour to Duncan’s. Jamie has agreed to meet me for a whisky or two. Maybe ten.
I’m pleased he accepted my invitation. The last few days have been devoted to Bleu so Jamie and I have only spoken briefly over the phone. He’s told me several times that he’s fine, but saying the words and them actually being true are two different things. I need to see for myself.
He’s waiting at our table when I arrive, two whiskies already in front of him. He’s usually a Guinness man. “Starting without me, I see.”
He pushes one of the whiskies in my direction. “Only on my first. But definitely not my last.”
I gulp the Johnnie Walker down. Damn smooth stuff. Every time.
“How are Westlyn and Evanna?” I ask.
“Westlyn’s grieving but she’s all right. Evanna’s not handling it as well.” I’m not surprised; Evanna was Abram’s favorite.
“And Torrie?”
“Mad as hell. She isn’t receiving the treatment of a leader’s widow.” Predictable. She’s yet to realize how lucky she is I don’t have her thrown out of that ostentatious house she calls home.
“What’s going on?” Jamie asks.
“Argument with my wife. A big one.”
Jamie laughs. “I’m glad you married a lass with a backbone. Watching her go head to head with you is entertaining. No one else could get away with that.”
I have news for him. My wife has more than a backbone. She has balls. Big ones.
“I’m not looking forward to part two when I get home.”
“I’m guessing a former FBI agent can hold her own in an argument,” Jamie says.
She damn sure can.
“It’s going to get ugly fast. And I’m pretty certain Ellison will be home. I don’t want her to hear us.”
“Would you like me to come by and take her for a walk or a drive so she’s not in the middle of it?”
“Oh fuck! That would be awesome. Sure you don’t mind?”
“No problem.”
I’m careful to not have too many whiskies since I don’t need to be steamin’ when I have this conversation with Bleu.
It’s late when I get home but Ellison is still up. I hear music coming from her room. “Do I Want to Know?” by the Arctic Monkeys. I recognize the song because Bleu listens to it all the time.
I tap on her bedroom door. “Elli. It’s Sinclair.”
“You can come in.”
I open the door and find her painting her toenails. “I hate to bother you but I have a huge favor to ask. Bleu is really pissed off at me.”
Ellison giggles. “Yes, she is. Your name is shit.” I figured as much.
“I need to talk to her. I expect it to get loud and unpleasant. Is it all right if Jamie comes by to take you out for a walk or a drive?”
She bugs her eyes at me. “I haven’t seen him since the night I shot his dad. That’s going to be uncomfortable as hell.”
“He volunteered. I don’t think he would’ve done that if he thought it would be awkward.”
Ellison rubs her face and sighs as she leans over to look in the mirror. “I look like shit but I don’t guess it matters. If there’s going to be a screaming match between you and my sister, I’m out of here.”
I wait for Ellison and Jamie to leave before I go into the bedroom. Bleu’s already in bed but stirs when I come in, so she’s not asleep. I suspect she’s too troubled for slumber to find her easily.
She rises to sit, adjusting her pillow at her back. I go to her, kneeling beside the bed. I take her hand, kissing the top. “I love you. That’s what’s most important so that’s where I’d like to begin.”
“I love you too.”
Her response gives me hope this will go better than it did earlier.
“I didn’t do a great job of explaining myself earlier but it’s important you understand why I feel the way I do. You believe being Todd’s executioner will heal you. I fear it will cause more harm than good. The repercussions of bridging the gap between good and evil are real.”
>
“I’m conditioned for that to not happen. I’ve killed before and I was fine afterwards.”
What she’s planning is different. I have to make her understand that.
“You’ve killed but never by choice. Each time, it was forced upon you. I’ve made the decision time and time again for myself. What follows isn’t easy and I don’t want that for you.”
“I have to see this through to the end.” She can, just not the way she wants.
“I understand that turning away from this must seem like the hardest thing in the world, but I promise you, it’s profoundly easier than what you’re contemplating.”
“You’re asking me to give up the one thing I’ve wanted most in the world for nearly all of my life.”
“It’s time for you to want me and these babies more than you want to kill Todd Cockburn.”
She places her palm to my face. “Never think for a single moment that you and our children don’t come first.”
“You’re good, Bonny. I don’t want you tainted by what this will do to you.”
“You keep saying I’m good but I’m not. And it’s because of him.”
“You’re wrong. You couldn’t love me or these babies if you weren’t. I’m asking you to love us enough to let go and allow me to do this for you.”
She doesn’t reply. At least it’s not an argument.
“You’re filled by a darkness that isn’t your fault. I’m asking you to pass it on to me. Let me carry it for you.”
“I don’t know how to let go.”
“Refuse to be a slave to your demons. Be proactive. Make the decision to let me kill Todd Cockburn for you. Do it because you love our children enough to reject anything that could potentially destroy the person you are.”
She’s struggling. I see it. “I’m already filthy, but you don’t have to be.”
She closes her eyes and nods before the words come. “Okay. Do what you gotta do.”
* * *
Concrete floor. Cinder block walls. Single light hanging overhead. Nothing in this room would be what I’d want to see as I took my last breath.
Todd Cockburn has known four walls of iron bars as his home for four days. A cage for an animal. Very fitting.
The Sin Trilogy Bundle: A Necessary Sin, the Next Sin, One Last Sin Page 87
