David scooped Suzette out of her arms, and then offered Charity a hand to help her up off of the floor. “You get up off the floor like an old woman.”
Charity punched him in the ribs and he let out a yell.
“Ouch! What was that for? I helped you up.”
“Yeah, and you insulted me right after. If you haven’t noticed, your daughter’s starting to become a little chunk.” Charity gently pinched one of Suzette’s chubby legs and was rewarded with a gurgling giggle. Suzette bounced up and down in her dad’s arms until Charity put her hands out to her. David had little choice but to give Suzette back to Charity as she leaned forward and all but fell out of his arms to get to her.
Charity covered the squealing baby’s face with kisses. “I believe it’s time for your nap, little one. It’s a good thing your dad’s here so he can give you a proper kiss and hug before you go to sleep.”
David took Suzette back, covered her face with his own kisses, and then, reluctantly, gave her to Marge.
Marge took the giggling baby, and as she laid her down into her crib, she sighed and said to both David and Charity, “I’m going to miss taking care of Suzette when it comes time for the end of your filming. She has been a real joy.”
David tucked the covers under Suzette’s chin. The cover didn’t stay long because Suzette wiggled back out from under them. Not much got past Mrs. Hamilton, though. She quickly had the covers back on Suzette and had her settled down. Marge patted Suzette’s side while David and Charity watched Suzette’s eyes start to droop.
David whispered, “I’m going to miss you, Marge. You know we’ll be need help when we decide on our next film. I hope you’ll be available when that time comes.”
Marge was quick to accept. “Just call me and I will come running. I love Suzette and I’m going to miss her so much.”
David patted her shoulder before turning to leave. “Don’t worry. You’ll be the first person we call.”
Charity and David walked quietly out of the make-shift nursery. He closed the door before speaking, “I can’t believe we’re almost finished filming. I must be getting old for time to fly by so quickly. Christmas is just a few weeks away, and I haven’t bought the first present.”
Charity wasn’t sure if this was the right time to broach the subject, but with it being almost time for her to leave, she needed to bite the bullet and tell him. She would have told him sooner but every time she came close she would chicken out. She no longer had the luxury of waiting. She slowed her steps, and David did too.
She finally stopped and turned to face him. “David, we need to talk.”
He grinned. “Sure. We have a few minutes. Do we need to go somewhere or can we talk here?”
The area was free of anyone milling around so Charity decided the spot they were in was just as good as anywhere. “I should have said something earlier, but I never knew actually how to approach the subject.”
It was as if he knew something bad was coming because he crossed his arms across his chest, preparing for the worst. “Well, just start at the beginning. I find that usually works best for me.”
“Okay. I’m leaving for Tennessee as soon as I’m through with the filming of this movie. I’m not even going to wait for the big party Charles is planning for the cast. I want to be home in time to help Dad with his Christmas shopping, and I need to buy my family presents to. I do have yours and Suzette’s presents already at the house, and I will just leave them for you underneath the tree.”
He blinked a few times and took in a large breathe before asking, “You’ll be back, right?”
She bit her lip and shook her head. “No, at least not this next year. I’m staying in Tennessee to finish my degree. I know I should have said something earlier.”
David stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her. He spoke into her hair, “Don’t worry about us. I’ll never be able to repay you for what you did to help me and Suzette. I don’t want to lose you, but I understand you wanting to finish your degree.” He stepped back and tucked his finger underneath her chin. He searched her face as if trying to memorize every detail.
Without warning, he leaned in and touched his lips to hers. The kiss only lasted for a second, but it shook Charity to the core. David pulled away, playfully tugged on one of her curls, and then headed off in the direction of the set. She stared after him for several moments, trying to regain control over her emotions. What was that? Was it a ‘goodbye’ kiss or a ‘don’t leave because I’ll die if you do’ kiss? Men. There was no way to figure them out. She wasn’t going to go running after him and beg him to love her. If he really did love her, then he could fly to Tennessee and beg her to love him.
Charity finished the day confused and in pain. She didn’t know what she had expected. She had wanted something from him besides his calm acceptance. No, if she was being honest with herself, she had wanted him to tell her he loved her, and didn’t want her to leave. She dug deep within herself, found the strength to behave normally, and went about her normal routine as if her heart wasn’t breaking. She and David walked in to the nursery together and picked up Suzette and her belongings. The three of them went home as if it was just business as usual. Well, to David’s house. It had never been her home. She had only ever been David’s visitor and Suzette’s care giver. It was time to go home and find out who she was without them. She would start over again and again, if she needed to.
Wrapping up production of After the Glory went by quickly. Charity worked on the set during the day and packed her things up at night. She wanted to be ready to leave on the last day of filming. With everything packed, Charity felt her heart become more weighted. It was almost like knowing what day was your last day to live. She did everything with the knowledge that there was limited time to do them. Everything she said to David and Suzette was heavy with a certainty that she wouldn’t be saying them again. Each day and every moment was measured and treasured with the mindset that she had to make them count. No matter what she did, her emptiness only became greater as the time for her to leave grew nearer.
The night before her departure, Charity went into Suzette’s room to rock her to sleep one more time. Suzette was sitting in her crib, chewing on her beloved teddy bear’s ear, so Charity pulled the rocking chair next to the crib. The day before, she’d run across the baby book she had given to Maria a couple of days before Suzette’s birth. Looking through it, she discovered a letter Maria had written to Suzette. Even though Charity knew Suzette was too young to understand the message, Charity decided to spend her last night reading some of her mother’s thoughts and words of love to Suzette.
She reached through the wood bars and caressed her baby soft hair. “Hey baby girl! Does Teddy taste good?”
Suzette grinned through fur and slobber.
Her smile always made Charity smile too. “I know you don’t understand everything right now, but I’m leaving you tomorrow. I haven’t thought it through as much as your mom did so I’m going to read what she had to say to you. Okay? The book will be here when you’re old enough to read her words yourself, but tonight, I’m reading more for my benefit than yours. Okay?”
Suzette gurgled so Charity took that as her approval and began reading, “My Darling Child of my Heart, if you know nothing else, know I love you, and wanted you from the moment I knew of your existence. I know you will grow up knowing love. Your father loves you, and he will see that you have enough love to make up for my not being with you as you become who you are meant to be. I would give anything to be with you, but sometimes God’s plans do not match our own. I have no doubt you will grow to be the most beautiful and amazing person ever. I want nothing but the best for you. Never doubt that you were and are loved. I am leaving you in in the care of my two best friends. Your father and Charity will see you never lack for anything, of that I am certain. When you see the sun, know it is only me keeping watch over you, but don’t despair on the days there are clouds. The sun never leaves. It is only tucked out of s
ight for a short span in time. That is how I see death. I’m only tucked out of sight for a short period in time. I’m waiting for you behind the clouds, with love in my heart, and my arms opened wide, whenever you need to talk. I’ll always be here listening, whenever you need me. Have a wonderful life and always have an open and willing heart.”
Charity cleared her throat because it was now constricted with emotion. She watched as Suzette pulled herself up using the bars of the crib. Her clear blue eyes were locked on Charity’s face, intently watching, as if she understood everything being read, so Charity continued. “Here are my hugs and kisses. I wish they were for real. I pray that in my absence you never wanted for real ones. If I know your dad and Charity, you never will. With all my heart, and with all my love, Your Mother.”
Charity closed the baby book and placed it on the nearby dresser. She leaned forward in the rocker and pressed her face against the crib bars. They were now nose to nose. “I tried my best to give you the hugs and kisses your mom couldn’t. I’m leaving tomorrow. I know you don’t understand, but I don’t want you to ever think I deserted you. I love you. I didn’t carry you for nine months and we don’t have the same DNA, but I love you like you were my own daughter. I don’t know if you will even remember me, but if you do have some distant memory of me, let it be that I loved you with all my heart.” She kissed the end of Suzette’s nose. “I always will.”
Charity picked Suzette up out of the crib and started getting her ready for bed. After putting Suzette’s pajamas on, they played their usual silly little games, and then, when it was obvious Suzette was exhausted, Charity rocked her to sleep for the last time. She even managed to do it all without breaking down and crying. She never noticed David standing in the doorway of the nursery while she read to Suzette, nor did she see his departure when she took Suzette out of the crib.
❋
David didn’t know about Maria’s letter to Suzette. It was purely by coincidence that he heard Charity reading it to her. He had been heading to his daughter’s room to get her ready for bed. It wasn’t until he reached the doorway that he realized Charity was reading Maria’s words. He literally stopped breathing for a moment as he listened to what was being read. It had actually felt as if Maria had been in the room with them for that short time. He stayed rooted in place until Charity stopped reading. It wasn’t until he realized she might see him standing there eavesdropping that he finally backed out of the doorway. He had to think and decide what he needed to do next.
As soon as she tucked Suzette in, Charity went onto the patio. She needed to see the ocean from that setting one last time. There were several things that she was going to miss when she left Malibu, and the view from the patio was one of many things that she hated thinking about leaving behind. The patio had been the place where Maria had asked her to look after her daughter, and it had also been the place where she first realized her relationship with David had changed. It had been her place to grieve with Suzette in those months of her life. A place of reflection and acceptance.
Charity looked out into the darkness of the cool winter night. She could hear the waves pounding against the beach as the tide rolled in, but the night was so totally black she could not see them. The sound was so loud she did not hear the sound of the patio door opening. She might not have heard David come out onto the patio, but she felt his presence long before he ever said a word. She pulled her old terry robe closer as a sudden shiver ran down her spine.
It felt like an eternity before he ever spoke, and when he did, it made her jump even though she knew he was behind her. “I see you’ve finished packing.”
A single tear roll down the side of her face but she quickly wiped it away. Tears were the last thing she wanted him to see. He came and stood directly behind her. He never touched her, but with her eyes closed against the tears that threatened to overtake her, she could almost feel his arms around her. The thought was so strong and intoxicating that she had to step away from him so she wouldn’t be tempted to do the unthinkable, and throw her arms around him.
What would he do if she did throw her arms around him? Maybe for one moment, he would forget he was Maria’s husband. Maybe for one moment, he would need her as much as she needed him, but the maybes were too chancy. She couldn’t bear the thought of him being repulsed by her, and she refused to take a chance that they would part on any other terms than as friends.
She kept her voice light and friendly. To do so came at a high cost, but she found the strength, and she turned to face him, smiling. “I finished packing hours ago. I have been out here trying to store up the sound of the ocean so I would have it when I return to Tennessee.” She closed her eyes as she listened to the waves.
David reached out and touched her cheek. He then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and only let his hand linger there for a brief moment, before letting his hand fall to his side.
When Charity opened her eyes again, she found him standing there with his eyes closed and his head tilting upwards, as if in a silent prayer. What was running through his mind? She longed for the ability to read thoughts and to know his heart. She wanted to ask him if there was a chance for her ever to be in his heart. She wanted to ask him if he had any space left over, or was it completely filled with Maria? How do you ask a man that? The answer’s quite simple. You don’t. You let him have what his heart wants. There was nothing left for her here.
When David opened his eyes, she smiled sadly, backed away, and walked over to the patio railing. She leaned across it and studied the view that existed only in her mind. After a moment he followed her lead. The blackened night refused to give much for either one of them to see, but it didn’t keep the stubborn couple from trying.
David was the first to break the strained silence. “So when do you register for classes?”
Charity cocked her head in his direction. “On the seventh of January. That gives me plenty of time to finish buying my Christmas presents, and then time after Christmas to get settled in. Who knows, maybe I will have time to see a few of my friends?”
They stood there a few moments in silence. David cleared his throat. “Thank you for staying after I left. I’m never going to be able to repay you for helping me with Suzette.”
He turned to face her, but she continued to look out towards the unseen ocean. It was the crack in his voice that made her finally look at him. “What made you stay?”
She licked her dry lips before she turned to face him. “At first I stayed for Maria and you, and then because I loved Suzette. There are days I forget she isn’t my daughter.” She wanted to blurt out that she really loved him too, but her own foolish pride kept that in.
She should have left it at that but she had to know before she left. “Why did you leave me alone with your newborn daughter? Why?’
He backed away as if her touch was too painful. “I couldn’t bear being here.” His words were wrenched from deep within him. “I couldn’t bear being in this house, where we had built our lives, and I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t bear looking at our daughter.”
Charity watched the tears run down his face and her heart broke all over again.
“How can I say the words out loud, that I blamed my daughter for her mother’s death? How do I say that without soundings like some kind of beast? What kind of father does that make me? I have to live with myself knowing that, even if it was for a brief time, I blamed my own daughter for something quite beyond her control.” David wiped the tears away but still it wasn’t possible for him to wipe away the real grief and pain he was feeling.
Charity understood his grief and his misery, so she tried to reassure him. “I think that it makes you a human being. I don’t know anyone that is perfect. You made a terrible mistake, but the important thing is that you came to your senses, and you’re trying to make the situation right. You’re here now, and you love your daughter. She never has to know that for a brief time you weren’t here. I’m never going to tell her, and I know you wouldn�
�t hurt her by telling her. Maybe, in the near future you will be able to forgive yourself.”
Charity wrapped her arms around his waist, and leaned her head on his chest. She could feel his uneven breaths against her face. After a few seconds he wrapped his arms around her, and laid his head against the top of her head. There was comfort there in each other’s arms. There was a sweet knowledge that they were always going to be friends.
After a moment he whispered, “I love you so much.”
She could no longer hold back her tears. “I know. I love you too.” But sometimes love isn’t enough, no matter how deep it runs.
Chapter Fourteen
Living in Malibu had made it easy to forget how cold Tennessee could be in December. For a day out shopping, Charity dressed in layers, but even though she had on heavy cottoned sweats, a large knit sweater, and a thick fleece coat, she was still freezing. But what she needed besides another sweater was a cart to carry all of the packages. She had accumulated so many packages from all of the various clothing and gift stores from around the square.
She was meeting a couple of her old girlfriends for hot chocolate at a nearby restaurant, right off of the square, before heading home. It was looking and feeling like snow. Maybe they would have a white Christmas. She couldn’t remember the last time it had snowed on Christmas Day. Maybe it would feel more like Christmas. If it was going to be so cold, it might as well snow and make the holidays more festive.
Warm air met her as she pushed the restaurant door open. It looked as if all the tables and booths were packed, and there was happy, loud chatter coming from every direction. Just listening to the happy sounds made her smile. She hadn’t realized how much she missed Murfreesboro, and all of her friends and family. It took her a few minutes to locate her friends. She finally spotted them in a corner booth, waving crazily at her. She wove her way through the crowd towards their table. With so many packages it wasn’t easy maneuvering through the crowd of Christmas shoppers and city workers out on their lunch hour.
A Touch of Passion (boxed set romance bundle) Page 81
