In that charm of darkness—a blue gel slipped over the megawatt spot—the little Arab child in his lederhosen grows more plausible. The amber boy and his blond, anemic sister grow to resemble each other in performance’s enchantment, splitting their difference in the falling dusk. They kneel in the dark, resorting to prayer, that version of magic already crusted with ancient protocols long before any word of the Semitic Savior reached these northern woods. Trembling Gretel folds her palms in front of her, cupped against her breasts’ slight buds. Her brother, kneeling alongside, plants his hand in the ravine running down the small of her back. Blocked from the eyes of the gazing audience, he lets it trickle south some nights, over the drumlin that tips up to meet it. Now I lay me down to sleep, fourteen angels watch do keep. This is how my brother closes out his childhood, in a series of repeat performances. Asleep in the woods, wrapped against blondness, surrounded by protecting angels. Two stand here above me. Two stand there below me. What color are the angels? No one can say, here in the half-light. Years later, in an Antwerp art museum, killing time before a recital, he’ll glimpse the creatures that protected him, their wings all the hues in beating existence, bent out of the colorless air.
Only in opera do angels need skin. Only in opera and imagination. Among the fourteen singers in that angel umbrella is Hänsel’s brother, helping to weave a halo of safety around those twinned innocents. I am the darkest, nuisance angel, as wrong in my flowing white robes as my brother in his lederhosen. I can’t see my own face, yet I know how it must play. I can see its wrongness in the eyes of the seraph host: burlesque intruder, guardian of a forsaken tribe.
The boy we angels circle to protect curls up under this shield as if it is a universal grant of childhood: a walk in the woods, guarded by a chorus that takes up this wayward duet and propagates it, with rich, full harmonies, even while he and his Gretel lie in the thrilled simulation of sleep. The forest and its stolen berries are his; he and this girl can lose themselves in darkness, every night, with impunity. But there is hell to pay, in the final act. The mother from act one, the harsh mezzo, scarred by poverty and driven to punish her dancing children by turning them out of the cottage, comes back, in double casting, as the child-eating witch.
Clever Hans does all he can to keep our own blood parents from coming to see our operatic debut. He means to protect them from the twists of this production. Maybe he’s ashamed of his look, his role. “It’s not that great,” he tells them. “More for children, really.” But our parents wouldn’t miss this premiere for the world. Of course they must come see what their offspring have gotten themselves into. Da brings the foldout camera. Mama dresses up majestically in cobalt dress and her favorite feathered hat with veil. She does something to her face, almost like her own stage makeup. She smells like babies.
The edible cottage, the night they come, gleams as it has rarely done: a profusion of sugared offerings, a child’s glimpse of heaven. But with his parents in the house tonight, little Hans loses his appetite. He sees their silhouettes even over the glare of the footlights, this couple who can’t touch each other in public. He sees his real sister, nappy-headed, shocked by this candy beauty, wide-eyed under the forest’s curse, reaching out her hand in appetite or self-defense.
Hänsel’s real-life mother must sit still and watch the story transform all mothers into witches. His father must hold still and watch this German-singing Hexe try to trap his dusky child and force him into the order-making oven. The boy looks for comfort to his Gretel, but her dirndl-wrapped waist seems tonight a circlet of public shame. Yet he must stay by her, his stage sister, his albino woods mate, however much his agitation throws poor Kimberly off. When his distress at last overwhelms the girl and she comes in a major third below her note, clever Hans is there to hum her back to pitch.
When all the enchanted gingerbread children are freed again from their fixed, repeating nightmare, when the witch fries in her own device and the now-pious family reunites over her cremains, the curse of the role lifts from him. For the first time, he takes his bows capless, his curly russet hair bared for all to see. Something darkens in his face, his eyes. But he bows to fair enthusiasm, accepting the weight of this liberal love.
I look for my brother afterward. He is a pillar of indignation, racing through the boys’ dressing room. He tears away from the backstage admirers. He doesn’t wait for me to catch up. My brother Hänsel explodes out of the lobby, into the cove of our parents, his arms waving apologies, full of corrections, explanations: take-backs, do-overs. But our mother, crouched over, takes us both in her arms. “Oh my boys. My JoJo!” My father’s compensating smiles assure the passersby there’s no need to intervene. “Oh my talents! I want you to sing at my wedding. You’re going to sing at my wedding.” She can’t stop hugging us. This is her concert triumph, though not the one she trained for. “Oh my boys, my JoJo! You were both so beautiful!”
IN TRUTINA
At the next summer recess, Jonah told Da they didn’t need to come up to Boston to take us back to New York. He said we wanted to take the train home. We were old enough; it would be easier and cheaper, he claimed. God only knows how the request played with our parents, or what they heard in it. All I remember is how thrilled Mama was when we stepped out onto the platform at Grand Central. She kept spinning me around in the waiting room, sizing me up, like something had happened to me that I couldn’t see.
Rootie wanted up on my shoulders. But she was growing faster than I was, too big to carry more than a few steps. “How come you’re getting weaker, Joey? The world is beating on you?” I laughed at her, and she got angry. “Serious! That’s what Mama says. She wants to know how many ways the world is going to beat on you.”
I searched my parents for an explanation, but they were fussing over Jonah, consoling him over the World’s Best Opera Plots clothbound edition he’d forgotten on the train.
“Don’t laugh at me.” Rootie pouted. “Or I’ll fire you as my brother.”
We sang together that summer, for the first time in half a year. We’d all gotten better, Ruth most dramatically. She held down moving lines, following along on the staff, getting rhythms and pitches together on only a couple of tries. She had succeeded in cracking the musical hieroglyphics earlier than any of us. She seemed different to me now, a kind of charmed creature. She rolled about, cackling at her luck in having her brothers around again. But she no longer needed us, nor thought to tell me the million discoveries she’d made in my absence. I felt shy around her. A year apart had made us forget how to be siblings. She performed for me, miming anyone I could name, from Da’s craziest ancient colleagues to her beloved Vee, our landlady. She could turn around and hood herself with her hands, and, when she turned back, have aged her face a century. “Don’t do that!” Mama shuddered. “It’s just not natural!” So Rootie did it more. It made me laugh every time.
The reunited Strom family quintet resurrected all their favorite bits of near-forgotten repertoire. With Ruth a real member now, we polished up the Byrd Mass for Five Voices, hanging on to the suspensions in the frail Agnus Dei, as if to keep it forever from the perjury of having to resolve. All my family wanted was to get each of our plates up in the air and spinning at the same time. We took our tempi from Jonah now. He had a dozen explanations why a piece should go faster or slower, places where it should broaden or swell. He dismissed the composer’s written indications. “Who cares what some poor sucker hundreds of years ago thought the piece meant? Why listen to him, just because he wrote the thing?” Da agreed: The notes were there to serve the evening’s needs, and not the other way around. At Jonah’s insistence, we made dirges of jigs and jigs of dirges, for no better reason than the pulse in his own inner ear.
He made us sing several of Kimberly’s treasures. My parents were game for any excursion, however otherworldly, so long as it somehow swung. But Jonah was not happy with simply dictating the night’s program. He wanted to conduct. He corrected Da’s technique, corrections that came st
raight out of János’s mouth. Da just laughed him off and continued manufacturing pleasure the best way he knew.
One evening toward summer’s end, just before Jonah and I returned to Boylston, he stopped Mama in midphrase. “You could get a smoother tone and have less trouble with the passaggio if you kept your head still.”
Mama set her sheet music down on the spinet and just stared at him. Movement was why we’d always sung. Singing meant being free to dance. What other point? My mother just looked at my brother, and he tried to hold her gaze. Little Root whimpered, flapping her sheet music back and forth and shaking like a dervish to distract attention. My father’s face drained, as if his son had just spouted a slur.
Solitude passed through my mother’s mind. In her hush, even Jonah wavered. But his chance to recant was lost in silence. My mother just studied him, wondering what species she had brought into the world. At last, she laughed, through a crook in her lips that wouldn’t seal. “Passaggio? What do you know about passaggio? A boy whose voice hasn’t even broken yet!”
He had no idea what the word meant. Just another arcane trinket he’d stolen from the Monera girl. Mama looked out at him across the plain of estrangement he’d made, staring at her foreign offspring until Jonah wilted and bowed his head. Then she reached out and buffed his almond hair. When she spoke again, her voice was low and haunted. “You sing your song, child. And I’ll sing mine.”
All our heads moved through the next madrigal, Jonah’s most vigorous of all. But we never danced again with the same abandon. Never again without self-consciousness, now that we knew what we looked like to the conservatory world.
In August, back at Boylston, the headmaster decreed that I should bunk with Jonah and two older midwestern boys. By rule, the younger grades slept in long wards on the building’s top floor, while the smaller dorms below were reserved for the senior students. But we two had brought havoc into this orderly musical Eden. The parents of one classmate had already removed their boy from school, and two others threatened the same action if their children were forced to sleep in the same room with us. This was the year Brown allegedly beat the Topeka Board of Education. We didn’t have much of a social studies track at that school.
For whatever reasons, Boylston kept us on. Maybe it was the size of Jonah’s talent. Maybe they figured how much they stood to gain down the years, if they survived the gamble. No one ever told Jonah and me that we were putting the place to the test. No one had to. Our whole lives were a violation. As far back as we were anything, that’s who we were.
They put us in a cinder-block cubicle with Earl Huber and Thad West, two freshmen keener on rule busting than we ever were. Neither of those two would have wound up anywhere near such a school without strategizing and savvy stage-door parents. Thad’s and Earl’s parents gave the nod to their boys’ new roommates: We would at least keep their sons close to the spotlight. To Thad and Earl themselves, the Strom boys were golden outsiders, mud in the eye of apostolic Boylston, their ticket to open rebellion.
Our new room was a shoe box, but to me, it felt like a virgin continent. Twin pine bunk beds left only enough space for two half-sized writing desks, two chairs, and two cedar closets with two inset drawers each. The day we moved in, Thad and Earl stretched in their stacked bunks like ecstatic convicts, waiting for their black bunk mates to arrive. From the first words out of my mouth, I perpetually disappointed them.
They both came from one of those midsized C cities in Ohio. They were mythic creatures to me, like Assyrians or Samaritans: boys from magazine ads and radio dramas, sandy, groomed, and straight, speaking with flat tractor drones that cut in straight lines all the way to the horizon. Their half of the room overflowed with die-cast P-47 Thunderbolts, bottle cap collections, Buckeye pennants, and a Vargas girl who could flip over and become Bob Feller the instant there was a knock at the door.
Jonah’s and my side of the cell had only a wall shelf of pocket scores and an illustrated set of the Lives of the Great Composers pamphlets. “That’s it?” Earl said. “You cats call that home decorating?” Shamed, we hung up a photo that Da had given us, a blurry black-and-white print from the Palomar Observatory Sky Survey, showing the North American nebula. For official housewarming and back-to-school music, Thad set his record player belting away on the finale of Beethoven’s Ninth. They were bad influences on us in every way but the one they wanted. Jonah picked up a red pen, and on the matting below the cloud of stars, he scribbled the full harmonization of the chorale. We checked the score. He made just two mistakes in the inner lines.
Earl and Thad dreamed of becoming jazz musicians, driven as much by a need to spite their folks as by their twitching love of rhythm. They thought of themselves as fifth columnists, deep behind enemy classical lines. “Swear it,” Earl always said. “If I ever start humming anything French? Mercy-killing time.”
Earl and Thad talked in what they took for state-of-the-art Village slang, passed through so many rounds of Telephone, it always came out sounding more greenhorn than Greenwich. “You’re the puma’s snarl, Strom One,” Earl would tell Jonah. “Absolutely top Guatemalan yellow-fingered fruit, at the moment. But you’re about to go over Niagara any minute, cool cat. Then we’re gonna hear you wail.”
“That’s right,” Thad punctuated.
“What do you think, Strom Two?” Earl never looked at me when he talked. It took me much of that first September to realize who Strom Two was. Earl would lie back on his bunk, playing his thighs like a trap set, patting the air for the cymbals, hissing an uncanny imitation of brushes, his tongue pressed against his front teeth. “Huh, baby? You think our man’s going to survive the Big Drop?” Earl reveled in his status as the school’s lowest voice, beating all comers by two full tones. “Look around. How many of last year’s thirteenies are still with us? Few and proud, my friends. Few and proud.”
“That’s right,” added Thad in his recently minted tenor, ever on cue.
Jonah shook his head. “You two are so full of hot air, you’re going to hit a power line and explode.”
“That’s right, too,” Thad conceded.
Jonah loved our roommates, the simple adolescent doting on difference that atrophies the instant that contact ends. He scoffed at their rube-hipster predictions. But he knew better than anyone that his vocal fall was coming. His voice stayed clean and crack-free through puberty’s first guerrilla uprisings, with no sign of the looming catastrophe. But his coming break was his constant terror. He stayed out of the sun, refused to exercise, ate only pears and oatmeal in minuscule portions, inventing new remedies daily in a desperate attempt to stop the unstoppable flow.
One night, he woke me up out of a dead sleep. In the derangement beyond midnight, I thought someone had died.
“Joey, wake up.” He spoke in a leaky whisper, to keep from rousing Earl and Thad. He wouldn’t stop shaking my shoulder. Something hideous had torn into our lives. “Joey. You’re not going to believe this. I’ve got two little hairs growing out of my nuts!”
He took me to the bathroom to show me the development. More than the hairs, I remember his terror. “It’s happening, Joey.” His voice was hushed, near-petrified. He had only these few moments to get out his last clear words before he turned werewolf.
“Maybe you should pluck them?”
He shook his head. “It’s no good. I’ve read about that. They’ll just grow back faster.” He looked at me, pleading. “Who knows how many days I have left?”
We both knew the truth. A boy’s voice before it breaks promises very little about what it will sound like after. The most spectacular caterpillar alive might host a moth. Magnificent tenors sometimes rose up out of hopeless croakers. But consummate boy sopranos often ended up average. János Reményi’s controversial program made boys sing right through the change, insisting on constant, coached use, all the way down to the settling point. I tried to assure him. “They’ll keep you another year at least, no matter what.”
Jonah just shook his
head at me, condemned. He didn’t want to live anywhere beneath perfection.
Each day I’d quiz him with a glance, and each day he’d just shrug, resigned. He went on singing, reaching his zenith even as his light was already going out. Whenever Jonah opened his mouth, the faculty within earshot sighed, knowing the end had to be near.
The end came at the Berkshire Festival. Serge Koussevitzky had died a few years before, and one of the conductor’s lifelong friends now invited the Boylston Academy to sing in a massive memorial concert. To honor the dead champion of new music, Reményi had us do a few excerpts from Orff’s Carmina Burana. Back in that era, the heyday of show-trial morality, making young students sing the lyrics of debauched medieval monks might have gotten him deported. But Boylston had for years been a bastion of Orff’s teaching techniques. And no one, Reményi insisted, was better suited to sing Orff’s hymns to Fortuna than those whose fates were still being formed. Reményi hired several Cambridge instrumentalists and supplemental adult voices, and we were off to Tanglewood.
I made the cut for the touring chorus. I figured they picked me to keep Jonah happy. Reményi’s casting was masterful. He gave the drunken abbot of Cockaigne to Earl Huber, who sang it with the swagger of a Buckeye turned Beat poet. He assigned the song about the girl in the tight red dress who looks like the bud of a rose to Suzanne Palter, a seventh grader from Batesville, Virginia, who kept a Bible under her pillow so she could kiss it each night after lights-out. Latin was Latin, and Suzanne sang the shameless come-on with such robust chastity that even Reményi’s cheeks colored.
The Time of Our Singing Page 9
