by Brandon Witt
Their tears mingled.
Darwin tasted the salt, felt the slime from Cody’s runny nose. And he kissed him harder, until it was nearly impossible for him to breathe, and he was certain Cody wasn’t getting any air. He pulled back, but only a matter of inches. “I’m so sorry I made you feel like you’re not enough. I don’t need you to be anything other than what you are. I just want you to be alive and here and in my life.” He swiped his thumbs under Cody’s eyes and then dragged the back of his wrist across his own eyes. “I love you. I know it’s too soon. I knew it was too soon the other night too, but it’s true. I love you, Cody. I don’t know where you and I will end up in this, but I want to find out. And you being a waiter or whatever you want to be won’t mess it up. But you not being here, you not being alive, that will. I want you here.”
Darwin had also told himself that he wouldn’t pressure Cody in any way. But at that moment, he remembered his mom sobbing at his hospital bed and forcing him to promise he wouldn’t leave her. There’d been times in the weeks and months that followed where his promise to her was the only thing that’d kept him from giving up.
He took both of Cody’s cheeks between his palms and locked their gazes. “Promise me, no matter what happens. With your dad, with Mary’s, with us. Promise me you won’t leave. Not like this. Promise me you’ll stay here. Stay with me.”
The expression that crossed Cody’s face was unlike any he’d ever seen, but Darwin was willing to bet his mother had seen it once. Darwin knew what that expression was. Part loss, part determination, part fear. Cody nodded, his stubble scratching Darwin’s hands.
“I promise.”
THREE DAYS.
Seventy-two hours.
Cody had even figured out the number of minutes—4,320 of them. He started to calculate the number of seconds, then abruptly realized he didn’t care. And what if he felt the need to start counting them? He was on a seventy-two-hour hold. Like he needed to look crazier.
Crazier.
That seemed to fit. Pathetic fit too. He was an adult. What adult tries to off himself because of an e-mail from their daddy? Though, really, that thought still didn’t seem too far-fetched. Even in the sterile environment of the hospital, Cody’s anxiety was constantly simmering under the surface. Maybe Darwin was right; what could Cody’s dad do? It wasn’t like he could drag him back home. Or that he would show up on Cody’s doorstep and blow his brains out. At least he didn’t think so.
In his endless therapy sessions, they’d played out different scenarios that might happen. The one that caused Cody to break down wasn’t fantasizing that his father arrived with a shotgun. It was everyone leaving when they found out how truly useless he was. Everyone at Mary’s. Darwin.
Darwin.
He still claimed to love Cody. Even after what Cody had done. Even knowing he didn’t have any grand ambitions or dreams. At least none other than what he’d already gotten.
It did help that Darwin had once made a similar choice and understood. But still. That’s a lot more excusable at fifteen than twenty-one. It made no sense that Darwin still wanted him. Yet, somehow, every time Darwin walked back into the hospital room, Cody breathed easier and started to believe it might all be real.
The hospital phone on the bedside table rang. Cody picked it up instantly. It was most often Darwin calling to check in from work, but it seemed everyone at Mary’s had been put on the approved call list as well. He couldn’t believe how often all of them called.
He lifted the receiver to his ear. “Hello?”
“Your dad said it was true. Is it true?”
Cody’s breath caught in his throat. He had to be imagining things.
“Well, Cody. Is it true?”
His voice finally worked. It cracked, but it worked. “Mom?”
An exasperated puff of air came from the other end of the line. “Of course. Cody, is it true? Please tell me you’re just trying to piss off your dad like you always did when you were home.”
Piss off his dad? He hadn’t even talked to his dad! Irritation cut through his initial fear. “Yeah, Mom. It’s true. I’m gay. And the world hasn’t ended.” He grimaced at his tone. “Sorry. Yes, Mom. It’s true.”
“I knew you shouldn’t go live in a city. Full of sick ideas, trying to make things normal that aren’t normal. Cody, you gotta get outta there. Come home. We’ll fix you right up.”
He couldn’t help himself. “I don’t think Dad wants me there.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line. Then she ignored his comment. “Just because they legalized that gay marriage shit, that don’t make it right, Cody. You need to be home.”
“Mom, I’ve always been gay. Always.”
Her silence dragged on. He could just see her, standing on the porch, cell phone to one ear, cigarette held in place with her free hand. No, actually. She wouldn’t be on the porch for this conversation. Probably locked in the bathroom.
“I’m sorry, Mom.” And he was. He wished he could be anything else for her. However, saying those words was the first time, the first real time since he’d been in the hospital, that the bottle of pills flashed in his mind.
“Sorry doesn’t do a lick of good. You need to fix it. We’re not having this in our family. You need to get yourself fixed and quick.”
“Oh, right, because it’s okay for Dad to be a raving drunk and a nightmare to all of us, you included. But me being gay, that’s just too much for our family’s reputation.” He tried to stop talking, certain he’d be racked with guilt later. He didn’t seem able to. “And actually, I’m not sorry that I’m gay. It’s who I am, and there’s nothing wrong with it.” Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. “And I have someone who loves me. His name is Darwin, and he’s… looking for the cure to cancer.”
What the fuck was wrong with him?
“Oh, I know. Your roommate told me. Said I didn’t need to worry because your boyfriend was taking care of you.” His mother’s voice was thick with disdain.
Cody froze at that revelation. The idea of his mother talking to one of his lesbian roommates about her son’s boyfriend…. It could almost be funny. Almost.
She rushed on without waiting. “You need to fix this, Cody. I’m not having one of my children be sick and perverted.”
“It’s who I am, Mom.” No sooner were the words out of his mouth than he realized how it sounded. “I’m not sick or perverted. I’m just gay. I’m just in love with another man.”
He heard his father yelling in the distance, too garbled to make sense of the words but enough to catch the tone. Enough to cause Cody’s shoulders to slump and make him cringe in fear.
His mother yelled something back.
Cody didn’t notice. His gaze had found the pictures plastered to the walls. The hospital hadn’t allowed flowers or balloons—apparently vases and ribbon weren’t a good idea for someone who’d tried to kill themselves. Instead everyone had sent pictures. There were so many it nearly covered an entire wall. Everyone from Mary’s. Even some of the customers. His roommates. Darwin’s friends, Jade and Violet, who Cody had only met once, even sent a picture.
The drunken yelling, the fights, the sensation of being trapped in that little town, the hiding. It was over. All over.
He heard his father’s muffled voice again and pulled the phone away from his ear, looking at it like it held all the truths in the world. No, it wasn’t over. It was still there. Still happening. Waiting for him if he wanted it.
He didn’t want it.
He’d fought for years for his dreams, and now he had them. Now he just needed to fight to keep them.
Cody repositioned the receiver and waited for his parents’ back and forth to subside before he spoke again. “You okay, Mom?”
“Cody, you need to fix—”
“No, Mom. There’s nothing I need to fix,” he cut her off. In the space of half a second, he played out all the options. Begging her to understand. Pointing out they didn’t even have a religio
us objection. Trying to convince her how happy he was here. He rejected all of them. “I love you, Mom. This is who I am, and I hope you’ll love me for me one day. But if not, that’s your choice. Bye.”
He hung up the phone before she could respond. Despite himself, he felt guilt over that, but it couldn’t be helped. He waited for her to call back and scream about him hanging up on her. That he’d better change. That he was a waste and a shame to the family.
The phone didn’t ring.
Cody’s afternoon therapy session brought the most tears yet, but as the hour ended, the world seemed just a bit brighter.
THE EXPRESSION of horror on Darwin’s face was so exaggerated that Cody had to suppress a laugh. “Cody, oh my God, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe she’d say all of that.”
Cody shrugged, then wondered at himself. He’d just shrugged about his mother. About his family knowing. It made him wince a bit inside, but he felt freer than he ever had. The therapist said that sensation would likely come and go, and probably in fairly intense extremes for a while, but Cody would find a balance.
“You don’t know my mom. I’m actually glad it happened. Now it’s over with. Even if more shit is going to go down, then let it go down. At least I don’t have to live in fear of them finding out anymore.”
They were seated on the uncomfortable couch in the hospital room, the setting sun painting both of their faces and the walls. Darwin squeezed Cody’s hand. “Yeah, that part is good, but I hate that you had to go through that, especially now.”
“She’s not your mom, Darwin.” It was a bittersweet moment when Darwin had shown Carrie Michaels’s text to him the day before. More proof that his boyfriend’s mother loved him more than his own. “I’m glad my roommates answered when she called my cell. At least it’s done.”
Apparently Darwin didn’t think so. “They should’ve known better than to tell her which hospital you were in.” He grimaced.
Cody laughed. “She is my mom, Darwin. They couldn’t exactly refuse to let her know what happened to her kid.”
“You’re an adult. She didn’t need to know.”
“Honestly, it’s good that it all happened now. While I was here. While I have a therapist to talk to. It couldn’t have been better timing. And I really do feel relieved.” Cody couldn’t help but enjoy seeing Darwin’s protectiveness over him.
Darwin nodded, though he still seemed unconvinced.
Cody tried to switch the subject. “I feel sorry for the nurse who put the call through. You should’ve heard Pat. She totally reamed the poor girl out.”
“As she should. There’s protocols that are supposed to be followed. The very idea you’d have to deal with her right after—”
“Can we please not talk about my folks anymore?” Cody cut him off. “Maybe ever.” He forced a laugh. “I know the therapy is good. Hell, I wish I’d had it years ago, but it’s exhausting. I don’t ever want to talk about my feelings again.” That was only partially an exaggeration.
Darwin smiled and repositioned on the couch. “Okay, then, let’s talk about tomorrow. You’re getting out of here sometime in the morning, so I took the day off. I hope that’s okay.”
“Of course that’s okay. I can’t wait to be with you somewhere other than here.” Maybe it was because he was emotionally fragile, or maybe because Darwin was so wonderful, but Cody’s eyes stung. He refused to let the tears fall.
If Darwin noticed Cody’s ragged emotions, he was kind enough to overlook them. “So, what do you want to do tomorrow? Want to go to Mary’s and celebrate? Go to a movie? Go back to the gardens?”
Cody was surprised at his own answer. “Actually, not Mary’s. Not yet. Too many people. I love them all, but it sounds like a lot.” His insecurities flared, still not even close to trusting that Darwin wasn’t hanging around out of guilt or fear that Cody would try to hurt himself again. “Are you sure you really want to be with me? That you’re not just being nice?”
Darwin looked pained, even sounded like it. “I hope I can convince you how much I love you. It has nothing to do with me being nice and everything to do with you being nice. And beautiful. And somehow making me feel… fuzzy every time I’m near you.”
Cody cocked an eyebrow. “Fuzzy?”
“I dunno.” Darwin shrugged. “That thing that I don’t have words for. How you make me feel every time you’re close. You know.” His brows furrowed. “God, I hope you know.”
Cody couldn’t suppress a laugh, partially out of relief and partly due to Darwin being as adorable as he was. “Yeah. I know that feeling.” He typically waited for Darwin to make the first move, but Cody leaned forward and pressed his lips to Darwin’s. He felt Darwin relax. He kissed him a moment longer before pulling back and meeting those ice-blue eyes. “I love you too, Darwin. I don’t think I’ve told you that. But I do. I love you. I don’t deserve you, but I love you.”
“Don’t say—”
“So tomorrow,” Cody cut him off again. “Here’s what I want. I want to go back to your place and order Chinese food. As soon as we leave here, that’s where I want to go. And then I want you to get me naked, and I want us to have sex for hours.” He glanced cautiously over at Darwin. “That okay?”
“Yeah, that’s more than okay.” Darwin raised his hand and cupped Cody’s cheek. “I think you might have just described the most perfect day of my life thus far.”
THE CARTONS of Chinese food sat on the coffee table, untouched. Some daytime talk show—Darwin had no idea which one—played on the television, the sound muted. Cody lay on top of him, the weight of their bodies pushing them into the couch cushions.
He’d been nervous picking up Cody from the hospital that morning. Billions of what-ifs had plagued him. What if Cody was getting released too soon? Had Darwin gotten rid of all the pills, or had he missed a bottle somewhere? Cody seemed fine, but was it all an act? What if Cody tried it again and was successful this time?
Those worries seemed miles away as Cody arched up, peeled off his shirt, and then began kissing Darwin again. Maybe the fears would come back. Darwin was sure they would. But he couldn’t help believing that Cody had turned a corner. He wasn’t someone new, but he seemed more at ease than Darwin had ever seen him. Like something had changed or been finalized. Even the way Cody kissed him—there was less hesitancy, more boldness.
Cody leaned back again. “You okay?”
“Oh, yeah. Extremely okay.” He reached between them and began unfastening Cody’s pants. “Your kisses are different.”
Some of the insecurity seemed to flow back into Cody’s expression. “Oh. Sorry. Is it not good?”
Darwin abandoned the jeans and placed his hands on Cody’s chest, one of them intentionally over his heart. “Yeah, it’s good. Better than good. It’s like you’re taking what you want. You’re not waiting for me to lead everything.”
“You sure that’s a good thing?”
Darwin thrust his hips up, shoving his erection where Cody straddled him. “You tell me.”
A crooked grin grew over Cody’s face, and he reached down, squeezing Darwin’s length beneath the denim, causing Darwin to moan. “Feels like it’s okay.”
“Yeah, more than.”
Cody started to lean down but then pulled away before the kiss. “Actually….” He sounded nervous. “Oh, never mind.”
Darwin held him off as Cody tried to kiss him again. “Actually what? What is it?”
Cody flushed brighter pink than Darwin had ever seen. He didn’t seem to be able to meet Darwin’s eyes. “Well, you said that at some point… if I wanted… we could change, er… that I could….”
“Oh!” Darwin felt his eyes widen. “Oh! You want to switch roles? You wanna be the top?”
“Is that okay? We don’t have to.” Cody glanced at him but turned away before he finished speaking. “I’ve never… so I probably won’t be very good at it.”
Darwin paused, surprised. He’d never. “I’d love to be your first, Cody.”
Darwin couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Uh, yeah. I’ve caught that. I’d love to be the first guy you do that with.”
Cody met Darwin’s gaze once more, and there was that new determination or clarity again. “I’d kinda like you to be my only. Ever.”
“I’d like that too.” Darwin knew it was crazy. They hadn’t even been together two months. And they were just coming down after a nearly life-ending trauma. But it didn’t make it any less true.
Cody seemed speechless and looked near tears.
Darwin propped himself up and gave him a quick kiss. “Let me get ready. You get the condoms and lube. I’ll meet you in the bedroom.” Cody got off him, and Darwin started to stand. “Oh, and light some candles, please. I know it’s the middle of the day, but it’s your first time. There should be candles.”
IT HAD been a while since Darwin had been in this position, and he felt nearly as awkward as Cody. There were bumbling starts, sharp cries when Cody went too fast, and a pause when the condom ripped and they had to get a new one. But through all the nerves and false starts, there was laughter.
At last, Darwin got on top, straddled Cody and sank down slowly onto his erection.
Cody traced Darwin’s bobbing cock as Darwin started to make a rhythm, and he smiled. “Doesn’t this still make you the top?”
Darwin chuckled. “Maybe technically, but from the way you’re stretching me out, I’m pretty sure you’re the entire top in this situation.” He thought there was a glint of something… disappointment, maybe, in Cody’s eyes. “Actually, hold on. And I mean that literally. This will take some talent.” He pulled Cody up to a sitting position and gave him a quick kiss. “Now, we’re going to roll, and you’re going to stay in me. And I promise I’ll get better at taking that thing of yours from other positions.”
Miracle of miracles, they made it. Within half a minute, Darwin’s legs were propped on Cody’s shoulders, and he was gazing up at his beautiful man, Cody’s dark bangs hanging between them. “Wow. You are even more beautiful from this angle. That shouldn’t even be possible.”
