Knight: A Club Alias Novel

by KD Robichaux

  “That would be me,” he clarifies, and I gulp before looking away.

  Well, shit. Vi had made me feel much better when she told me she’s ran out on appointments before, but now that he’s here, the embarrassment of my dramatics overwhelms me.

  But before I can completely fold in on myself to the point I’d be a ball in Brian’s lap soon, Doc reaches over and pulls my hand off my can of Dr. Pepper, holding it between both of his. I look up at him, startled.

  “You are an intelligent, remarkably talented, lovely woman, and I am honored that you are instilling your trust in me enough to try another session tomorrow,” he says gently, and all I can do is nod, my mouth slightly agape. Even more quietly, so only Brian and I can hear, he tells me, “There is pain buried deep inside you that you’ve done a brilliant job of moving forward from, but it may be affecting you more than you believe. If you allow me to help you, the life you so enjoy now won’t even be a blip on the radar of how good it could be.”

  In my mind, I go back to all the stories Brian has told me about Doc. He’s helped heal women who’ve gone through far worse experiences than I ever have, so I totally believe he could do what he promises. But no matter how much of a magician on the disturbed psyche he might be, not even he could break what feels like a curse that’s been placed on me since I was ten.

  “I’ll try my best,” I murmur, and he gives my hand a squeeze before letting me go. When I look around the table, only Astrid is watching our exchange. If anything, I would expect a look of possessiveness, seeing how Brian told me she and Doc have this complicated thing going on between them. But that’s not what I see in her pretty blue eyes. It’s sympathy, like she wants to say something reassuring but doesn’t want to embarrass me in front of everyone. I give her a small smile before turning to look up at Brian, who leans down to place a swift kiss to my lips. It surprises me just as much as Doc holding my hand, if not more. The fact that he’d kiss me in front of all the important people in his life makes me feel warmer than I’ve ever felt in my life. Sweltering, even. But in a very, very good way.

  The rest of the evening goes amazingly. Seth makes us laugh until we can’t breathe. Corbin and Vi tell me stories of Brian from before I met him. Doc and Astrid are entertaining to watch—her obviously fighting her attraction to him, while he looks about ready to throw her over his shoulder and haul her away. And Twyla, sweet, quiet Twyla, fills us in on all the coolest new toys that just arrived at the novelty story she works for, Toys for Twats.

  I can see exactly why Brian describes them as his brothers, his family. And if I had one wish, one dream I dared to put out in the universe, it would be to become a permanent part of this circle, not just as a visiting friend, but as a member of their traditions.

  It’s in this moment I decide, for better or worse, I will confess my darkest secrets.

  Clarice

  “I NEED TO preface this session before we begin,” I say into the quiet room. I sit, perched on the very edge of the leather sofa in Doc’s office. My body feels like it wants to take flight all on its own, but my heart knows what I need to do. It’s time, way past time I tell Brian the one last jigsaw piece that makes up the puzzle that is me. It’s the one piece he’s somehow been able to ignore, allowing the rest of me to be displayed for his appreciation, his eyes skimming over that one blank spot that would show him the whole picture. It’s up to him to decide whether or not if, once the puzzle is complete, he wants to tear it all apart and throw it away, or if he’d like to frame it, preserving it as a treasure to keep for years to come.

  “Of course,” Doc replies. “Say whatever you need.”

  I nod, trying to decide where to begin. Brian is a statue beside me. It’s as if he’s afraid to move, worried I’ll run away again. I hate to be the reason he’s in any way uncomfortable, so I reach over and take hold of his hand, for both his reassurance and to help anchor me.

  “What I’m about to tell you, you’re not going to believe me. You’re going to want to laugh it off. You’re going to want to wave it away and tell me it’s all in my head, that I have nothing to worry about, that I’m silly for letting this fear rule my life,” I state, staring at the notepad resting on Doc’s leg that’s crossed over the other. For some reason, I can’t meet either of their eyes. If I’m exposing this much of myself, I at least want to hide my soul. They won’t be able to break my heart if they’re unable to see my soul.

  “I’ve never and will never discourage anything you have to say, lover. Especially something you’ve held onto so tightly all these years,” Brian promises.

  “I’m just saying… if I were to spill my guts in here, and y’all were to blow it off, that would pretty much devastate me. Because this secret I’ve held onto for so long, I’ve only done it to protect you.” My eyes turn to meet his for a split second, just long enough to let him see the unshed tears that suddenly sprung there so he knows how serious this is to me. His fingers tighten between mine, letting me know he understands.

  “And I’d like it stated that nothing is ever just in one’s head. Every thought is created by an external factor, no matter how small it might be. I’m aware we’ve just met and you don’t know me very well, but I’m not one to overlook even minor details. Whatever you have to say, I will take you seriously, Clarice,” Doc assures.

  I nod, finally scooting back in the couch. Brian must sense I need my space because he lets me tug my hand free and doesn’t try to hold me. I pull my legs up to sit Indian style, my hands resting in my lap.

  “Okay, well. You wanted me to start with my childhood. It was exactly as I said, completely wonderful. And then I made a friend when I was ten. His name was Kasey, and he was nicer than any boy I’d ever met before. He shared his lunch with me, because his mom baked him the best cookies, and we always sat next to each other, because we liked to read the same books.” I look down and start toying with my anklet. “One day, Kasey slipped me a note, the typical one of that age, a multiple-choice question asking if I’d be his girlfriend, yes or no.” I can’t help but smile. The innocence of it all chokes me up. “Of course I checked yes. Who better to be your boyfriend than the nicest kid in your class? He shared his cookies, after all.” I look up at Brian. “And you know cookies are my weakness, even back then.”

  He gives me a small smile and nod, knowing I’m rambling because I’m nervous. “Chocolate and pecan is your favorite,” he murmurs.

  I grin. “They’re the best,” I reply, and then turn back to my anklet. “The following week, Kasey didn’t come to school. I was really worried, because he never, ever missed school. He always got to go up on stage and receive the perfect attendance award. And then the next week, he was gone too. Then, our teacher had us all turn our desks so we were sitting in a circle, and she told us Kasey had gotten really ill. At the time, she explained his lungs were sick, and when I was older I understood he had pneumonia.” A tear slowly makes its way down my cheek, and I bat it away like an annoying fly. My eyes finally meet Doc’s. “Kasey passed away the next day.”

  “I’m sor—”

  “Teenage years was next, wasn’t it? Or something like that,” I interrupt Brian, not wanting to veer off the path. I need to get it all out at once. “When I was a sophomore in high school, I had a huge crush on a junior named Nicholas. He was just the right mix of nerdy and cool. We had a few classes together, and we had this really easy friendship. It’s like, when we met, a part of us already knew each other, so there really wasn’t a distinct getting-to-know-you stage.” I smile over at Brian again. “You know how I like to just jump into friendship with both feet.”

  He reaches out and swipes a wayward tear from my nose, his face soft. He doesn’t say anything this time, prompting me to continue.

  “When homecoming came around, I was completely shocked when he asked me to go with him. I mean, we were good friends and I had a crush on him, but I had no idea he felt strongly enough about me that he’d want to take me as his date. Obviously, I immediately
said yes.” I let out one yelp of laughter that sounds more pained than joyful. “The night before homecoming, there was a party.” I feel Brian stiffen next to me, but I don’t look over at him, focusing all my attention on the tiny rifle charm on my anklet he’d given me years ago. “Nicholas invited me to go, but my flight attendant mom was finally home from doing a three-day trip and we had a girl date planned. We were getting our nails done, face masks, all that stuff chicks do in preparation for a big date the next day.”

  I clear my throat, leaning my head against the back of the couch to stare at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears from falling out of my eyes. “Nicholas wasn’t in class the next morning.”

  “Oh, fuck,” Brian whispers beside me, and he reaches over to squeeze my knee before letting me be.

  “Oh, fuck is right, big guy,” I mumble. “It turned out everyone had taunted Nick into doing a couple keg stands when they found out he’d never done one before.” I sigh, lifting my arms to press the heels of my palms into my eye sockets. He flipped his car on the way home after veering off the road and losing control. He died at the hospital that night.”

  I sit back up, looking at Doc. “What was it, young adulthood next?”

  He nods solemnly. “That’s right, Clarice.”

  “By now, I was thinking it was just a coincidence, right? The only two boys who asked me out died just a few weeks after I said yes?” I gesture between Brian and Doc, and they give me a nod to pacify me. “Enter Zachary Mitchel. He was so freaking hot, lemme tell you. He was my first real boyfriend. I met him the summer after I graduated high school. He was going into the army, and I was starting my first semester of college that fall when I finally gave up my V-card.”

  I shift on the couch again, spinning to lie down and put my head on the armrest while tucking my toes under Brian’s thigh, my knees pointing to the ceiling. I cross my arms, suddenly feeling cold. “He was great. We saw each other often before he went to boot camp, and then he was stationed at the base not far from my school. It was like fate was lining everything up for us to be together. We dated for nearly two years before he was deployed. And the night before he got on that plane, he asked me to marry him.”

  Brian jerks his face toward me, and I glance over my knees to see his shocked eyes.

  “I said yes, and the next day, I gave him the last kiss I’d ever give him. He was killed in action three weeks later.” My face crumples then, and the tears stream into my hairline at my temples. I cover my face with my hands, letting out a sob.

  Before I know what’s happening, I’m in Brian’s lap, his big body surrounding me in a cocoon of warmth. My face presses into his throat as I cry like I’ve never allowed myself to cry before, my body jerking with the emotion pouring out me, as my best friend in the world tries to keep me together. One of his arms leaves me for a moment, and when he wipes my nose, I realize Doc must’ve been handing him tissues.

  “That’s why,” Brian says to the top of my head, running his huge palm up and down my back. “That’s why you never let me tell you how much I love you.” I gasp sharply at the ease in which he confesses how he feels about me, and I reach up to fist the front of his shirt, holding on to him for dear life. “Because you know after telling you that, I’d ask you to be with me. And you’re scared, since every other man you’ve ever said yes to has died, that it’d happen to me too.”

  “Yes,” I wail, the agonized sound breaking off into sobs as I press into his body as close as I can without actually becoming a part of him.

  “Clarice—”

  “Please don’t, Bri. Please don’t just say ‘That won’t happen to me,’” I beg, lowering my voice in a weak attempt at mimicking his. “Because that’s exactly what Zack said when I told him about Kasey and Nicholas and why I had never had a real boyfriend before. And then he died too. They all fucking died because I told them yes!”

  He shushes me, holding me tighter. “Shhh, little one. I won’t say it. I swear.”

  “Your history has conditioned you to believe that anyone you agree to a relationship with soon after passes away. And this is why you’ve kept that fine line between you and Brian,” Doc summarizes.

  I nod, wrapping my arm around Brian’s neck and burying my hand in his thick hair at the back of his head. “I can’t lose you, big guy. I’ve never…” I take a deep breath, pulling my face out of his throat to look into his beautiful blue-green eyes. “I’ve never l-loved anyone as much as I love you,” I stutter, the word feeling foreign on my tongue. “Your job is dangerous enough without me adding my fucking curse to the mix.”

  All the air inside Brian’s lungs rushes out, and his eyes go soft. His brow furrows with emotion as the left corner of his lips tremble slightly. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words from you, lover,” he growls.

  “I’d guess about eleven years, seeing as that’s how long it’s been true,” I confide. “I’ve loved you since the moment you asked for my camera and snapped that selfie of us in the clinic. The day you began getting your memory back.”

  “I remember. I still have that photo framed at home.” He nods, smiling.

  “I saw it on your nightstand. I’m surprised no one’s ever seen it and knew about me,” I murmur, fully aware I’m allowing him to distract me.

  He brushes my hair back from my face, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “No one has ever been in my room except you, Clarice. Not even the guys. That’s my haven, my sanctuary, and the only person I’ve ever welcomed into it is you. Always only you.”

  We get lost in each other’s eyes for I don’t know how long, and Doc lets us have it, not interrupting this monumental moment for the two of us. I could live in this weightless bubble for the rest of my life, ignoring the rest of the world as we hide away in this safe office where no one and nothing could hurt Brian after my confessions.

  That thought brings me back to reality, and my smile fades. “But that doesn’t change anything, Bri. No matter how much we may love each other, we can never officially be together.”

  He tucks me back into him, kissing the top of my head. “Don’t worry about that right now. Nothing has to change, lover. Nothing, now that I know the truth.”

  I relax then, a tremendous weight lifting off my shoulders I hadn’t realized was there, since I had built up my walls so long ago that they helped hold everything up.

  “I can understand your fear of telling Brian about your past, Clarice, but we still have a lot more to talk about in order for you to be able to enter Club Alias. Your hour is almost up, so would you agree to come back tomorrow for your third? I can assure you the worst of it is over, now that you’ve gotten that off your chest,” Doc prompts, and I turn to face him.

  “Yeah, I think that’d be okay. Thank you, guys, for not laughing at me,” I say, wiggling out of Brian’s lap to sit beside him. I fan at my face, some of my sassiness coming back to life inside me as I tell Brian, “I gave you tears today. I earned the right to top tonight.”

  He smirks. “We’ll see,” he replies, surprising me. Since when does he haggle for position?

  Probably since you confessed your undying love for him and he’s not worried about you leaving him anymore.

  “Oh, is that how it’s going to be, now that I’ve told you how much I love you? You think you’re gonna turn around and take advantage of the fact that you know I can’t live without you? Well, you’ve got another think coming—”

  He leans over and crashes his lips to mine, cutting me off and making me into a puddle of moldable goo before pulling away. “I have plans for you tonight. If you recall, I’ve submitted twice since you’ve been here. We agreed to take turns.” He lifts a brow.

  “But—”

  “Trust me, lover. I’ll make it worth your tears,” he promises, and how can I argue with that?

  Brian

  SHE WAS EXACTLY right, my Clarice. The first thing I wanted to say after she dropped the bomb of her past on us was to assure her that nothing would ha
ppen to me. But how could I voice the one thing she said would devastate her? I could never do that. I just can’t believe my sweet, strong, vibrant woman had lost so many people in her life and had managed to bury that pain and fear so deeply she was still able to function.

  “Come here,” I tell her, as she drops her purse onto the nightstand next to my bed.

  She eyes me for a moment before deciding to obey. She shuffles over to me, where I stand at the foot of the giant bed, her head bowed, looking at her feet as she stops before me. I lift her chin with my knuckle, yet she still won’t meet my eyes. I’ll give her this moment to be shy, but there will be no room for it in a few minutes.

  I swiftly undress, and then I grip the bottom of her shirt and tug it off, making quick work to do the same with her jean shorts and underwear. She steps out of them toward me, laying her cheek on my chest. And it’s in this moment I know what I have planned for her is exactly what she needs. What we both need.

  My heart thunders inside my chest, and I wonder if that’s what she’s listening to. We’ve never actually done what I have in mind, but I’m sure we’ll figure it out just fine.

  Without warning, I pick her up, and she squeaks in surprise, wrapping her legs around my waist. She holds on to me as I crawl up the mattress, and when her head hovers above the pillow, I lay us down, my weight pressing her into the white down comforter that billows up around us like a cloud. Taking her hands in mine, I trap them above her head just in case she gets any ideas about trying to flip us over so she can be on top. That’s not how I want this night to go.

  Leaning down, I run my short beard down then up the side of her neck, watching her skin turn to goose bumps before I nip at her earlobe. She shivers, her legs flexing around my hips. Trailing gentle pecks across her jaw, I take her lips in a kiss, pouring all the love I feel for her into it. She moans lightly, opening to me, and I dip my tongue in to taste hers. Her lips move in sync with mine, her tongue coming up to meet mine in a waltz so perfectly choreographed it could only be performed by two dancers who have been together for as long as we have. She doesn’t need me to lead her. We’ve done this over and over so many times before we can without thinking, yet it never gets old.