“Ha! You think it’s going to be any different at the lake?”
“No, but I don’t plan on staying there. I needed it for a day. I’m going back to my studio today after church.”
“Aw, after Faye went to so much trouble to let you in.”
“That was surprising, wasn’t it? I think Dexter was more shocked than me.” Mike sat down at the table while Ravenna prepared his coffee, and they didn’t speak for a while.
Putting the coffee down in front of him, he grabbed her hand. “You’re sorry we called her, aren’t you?”
Ravenna nodded her head, the tears near the surface. “We should have let it be.” She’d spent her life longing for Maria, knowing she’d never be satisfied.
“I think it’s going to be okay. It will be rocky for a while, but there’ll be something positive at the end, I feel that way about it.”
Ravenna looked up at Mike, hopeful he spoke words of wisdom and not just wishful thinking. “I’m beginning to think that once you take a child out of its environment, they might as well be sent to Mars.”
Mike nodded his head, understanding what she meant. “But the child, Esme, she seems to be very interested in everything. It’s the others who are resisting.”
Ravenna looked up from her tea. “They resent her.”
“But why? She seems benign enough.”
“Because she led a charmed life, I suppose. Not life here on the river.”
“Oh, now you’re going to make me feel guilty,” Mike said sadly.
“It’s what I wanted,” Ravenna said, standing up. “It’s what I wanted and what you allowed. Now they are transferring their anger to this young woman rather than confronting us about it, where the guilt lies.”
“You make it sound so awful,” Mike replied. “Can’t we just let things be?”
“Ha! We’ve switched roles! I just said that to you.” The couple laughed about what had happened. “See, the problem is that once you let the light shine, you can’t control what is illuminated. Either everything is kept in the dark or it’s all brought out in the light. And frankly, I’m scared,” Ravenna admitted.
Mike grabbed her hand. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could protect you.”
Ravenna laughed, thinking, He’s the one who will need protecting, not me. “Me too, my dear. I wish you could protect me, too.”
As soon as the sun rose, Regina called April and asked her to go back to the cabin. “We need to get there before Daddy leaves for church.” Regina left her condo and drove the few blocks to April’s house. Her hair was still wet from the shower.
“You’ll catch cold,” Regina admonished.
“Turn your heat on, for heaven’s sake. It’s freezing in here.” They bickered like sisters, avoiding the real issue at hand; how would they confront their mother and father?
When they arrived at the cabin, April asked, “What should we say?”
“I think we just need to put this pile of paper on the table and tell her what we know. I hope she throws it in the fire.”
April sighed. “Me, too.”
They got out of the car and walked through the frost-covered brush with Peggy’s papers. Forgetting to announce their arrival with a hoot, when Regina knocked on the door of the cabin, it surprised her parents.
“Oh! Who’s there?” Ravenna called.
“Mama, it’s us.”
Ravenna opened the door, amazement on her face. “Girls, what time is it?”
“Who knows? Let us in, will you? April has wet hair.”
Ravenna looked over Regina’s shoulder and saw her baby daughter waiting. They were both pale, haggard. “What’s going on?” she asked as they walked into the warm kitchen. Ravenna shut the door after them.
“Morning, Daddy. Sorry about yesterday,” Regina said.
Mike was standing, waiting. Regina went to embrace him, crying.
“What’s going on?” Ravenna repeated.
“Nimaamaa, please sit down,” April said.
“Do you want coffee?”
“No, just sit. We’ll have coffee in a minute.”
Ravenna and Mike sat down again, concern and fear on their faces.
“Esme went to Chicago to see George Patos last week.” It didn’t escape the sisters that when the name was spoken, both parents seemed to fade a bit, grow older, stoop a little more. It was so obvious that Regina gasped. “What just happened?”
Ravenna and Mike grasped hands, Mike gazing at Ravenna as knowledge passed over his face.
“Why, why, why?” Ravenna asked, shaking her head.
“We upset her life, and once it was set in motion, she had to know the whole truth,” April replied. “It’s never that easy, though. All it did was uncover more mysteries.”
Regina handed Peggy’s letter over to her parents. Mike got up from his chair and was leaning over Ravenna’s shoulder while they read, the facts about the boarding school as shocking to them both as it had been to the girls.
“I guess that explains some of my mother’s behaviors,” Ravenna said. “Like so much about our experience, we minimize the impact it has on us. Daddy and I blame ourselves for everything we see you children struggling with.”
Mike patted her shoulder. April, sickened by her mother’s lack of response, looked over at Regina and shook her head; they wouldn’t be talking about Peggy’s suicide. At least not today.
“Daddy, why didn’t you tell us you knew where Maria was?”
“Who said I did?” he asked, confused.
“Peggy did, in this journal.” Regina picked up the notebook and began to read. “‘Mike came to me yesterday while Ravenna was in school. We sat outside under the tin roof while it rained. The wind whipped and blew the rain on us, but I didn’t want him to come inside the cabin. I was afraid Ravenna would know he’d been there. He told me he’d heard the baby was doing well. That gave me peace.’” She looked up from the notebook to her father.
Pale and stony, she could tell, as could April, that he was weighing his options. Ravenna’s eyes met his.
“I knew she was okay,” Mike said, “but I didn’t know where she was.”
Ravenna stood up abruptly. “We can’t go on like this, living a lie.”
“Ravenna, stop,” Mike said.
“No, I can’t do this anymore. They’re going to keep digging and digging now, don’t you see? I lost the right to my own privacy.”
“Mommy, please, please don’t feel that way,” April pleaded.
Ravenna looked at her intently. “April, you of all people should know not to tell a person not to feel. It’s illogical. You are getting ready to expose my life. Why shouldn’t I feel?
“You both seem to think having the truth will make such a difference to everyone. Well, here’s the truth.” She turned to Mike, pleading. “I am most sorry for you when I say this, my love. Maria is George’s daughter. When I was thirteen, George Patos lured me into his house and took advantage of me.”
“What?” April shrieked.
“He raped you?” Regina said.
Ravenna stepped away from the table and started to pace. Mike stared out the window above the sink, expressionless.
“Yes. I went around to his house in Douglas to help Andrea Patos with chores that she didn’t want their cleaning lady to do, like cleaning jewelry and ironing her underwear. They paid me, and I was happy to get away from my mother. George always picked me up in his big Cadillac; for a child as disadvantaged as I was, this was heaven.
“We arrived at the house, and I was frightened when I discovered Andrea was not home. She’d gone to Chicago for the day. George said he was going to have me polish his shoes. I wanted to run home, but I was obedient. He pointed up the stairs, and I went, him following behind me. He did it as soon as we reached their bedroom. It never occurred to me before this very second to wonder what he did with the bedding. I was a twelve-year-old virgin. What excuse did he make to his wife?
“I wasn’t docile afterward; on the contrary, when I
saw the mess on the bed, I could only think of my mother and what her response would be to the condition I was in. I screamed when I saw it. He was trying to prevent me from leaving, but I was too strong. I ran all the way home. Now, I’m wondering if he didn’t consider killing me, just to shut me up.
“When my period didn’t come, I knew I was pregnant. I let my mother think it was Mike’s because George had threatened to cut off her allowance if I told anyone what had happened. He tried to use the threat to lure me back, but I refused. I told him, ‘Go ahead. If you do, I’ll tell Andrea what you did.’ I wouldn’t go back to help her, either. When Peggy asked why, I said Andrea Patos was a pig. It was a good enough answer because she was jealous of Andrea. She didn’t make me go back. I would have endured beatings first.” She took a deep breath and let it out.
“I didn’t care that Maria was George’s baby. She was still mine. Maybe, truthfully, it was a little easier to leave it alone than if she’d been Daddy’s baby.” Ravenna looked at her daughter’s shocked, pale faces.
“Ha!” She laughed, pointing at them. “See, girls, watch out when you dig. You might discover answers you didn’t want.”
Although April didn’t reply, she thought of Maria. What kind of horrible information would this have been to give her? Yet Ravenna knew it and still wanted to find her.
“Were you hoping to keep the true story of her father a secret when you asked me to call Maria?” April asked, wiping tears off her face.
“Yes,” Ravenna answered. “I was going to keep lying. The only reason I’m telling you two the truth is so you’ll stop. You were going to pick at your father, and he’s innocent. If you choose to tell Esme about it, remember, she is George’s granddaughter, not Daddy’s, and she might not want to hear it, or she might want him in her life. Imagine George coming around here, looking for a relationship with Esme.
“If you want a relationship with her, shut up about it. It’s really a lie that the truth will free you. Maybe the good truth is freeing, but the bad truth is devastating. People hang themselves for learning the bad truth.” It took a moment for the impact of what she said to penetrate.
Regina grabbed her mother’s arm. “Oh, Mama, I’m so sorry,” she cried out, appalled.
Ravenna nodded her head. “Yes, I am, too,” she answered, sighing. “I didn’t know the effect it would have on her. She was in love with him, you see. My mother and George.
“She probably wrote those words about Mike after I told her the truth, hoping I’d find the notes and think Mike had deceived me. She hung herself soon after.” It was then the women looked over at Mike. “I’m sorry, dear. Terribly sorry.”
Mike Hetris was pale, as still as a statue.
“I was afraid you’d try to get even with him if you knew the truth.”
“You should have told me, Ravenna. You should have trusted me,” he said in a whisper.
April watched the dynamic between her mother and father, powerful love, unconditional acceptance. She and her brothers and sister had no right to judge.
They sat silently for a while, the sun up, melting the frost on the windows. They could hear the motor of a car pulling up in front of the cabin. It would be Wally, coming to get Mike for church. He hooted, and Ravenna got up from her chair to let him in.
“Morning, Mama,” he said, giving her a peck on the cheek. “You two are here early. I saw your car and thought maybe you’re coming to church with us.”
“No such luck,” Regina said.
“I’m skipping today,” April said.
They made small talk while their father got his overcoat on, moving slowly, not saying a word.
“See you later,” they said, leaving.
A blast of cold air entered the cabin when the door opened, and Ravenna reached for a shawl to put around her shoulders. She stood by the stove, trying to get warm, knowing her daughters were watching her. But there was nothing she could do for them now. No reassurance, no excuses; they had opened her life up, exposed it for what it was, a tangle of lies and shame. If she could survive that examination, she supposed she could survive anything.
Chapter 25
Sunday morning, Esme lay in bed long after the sun was up, listening to the subtle sounds she’d learned to recognize since coming to Michigan. Although it would end when the surface froze over, there was still boat traffic on the river. A diesel trawler chugging out to the lake was a sound she welcomed. Warmth from the hissing radiators fought with the cold, drafty windows. The sound of china clinking down in the kitchen, breakfast trays being assembled, meant her tray would soon arrive at her door. She looked forward to the freshly made muffins and hot coffee every morning. If she fell back to sleep, occasionally a laugh from the lobby or door slamming upstairs might wake her. There was definitely too much noise during the week to sleep beyond eight. But on the weekend, she often found she’d sleep until after nine. It was such a luxury, and she knew it would have to end soon, that she was going to have to get a job.
“Oh, awful,” she said out loud at the thought.
She tiptoed to the door and listened; the dumbwaiter elevator motor was whirling. She could hear the familiar muffled sounds of someone coming up the carpeted steps, opening the elevator doors, taking the breakfast trays out and putting them on the cart, the wheels squeaking as they arrived at her door. When the steps made the return trip down the stairs, she opened the door and brought the tray inside. It was becoming too important, the arrival of the food. Yes, a job would have to be found, and soon. One more time she would enjoy a leisurely breakfast alone. Later, she’d shop with Wiley and then wanted to see Ravenna.
Pouring coffee from the carafe, her phone buzzed. She got up to get it; it was from Wally Morton. “Why would he text me?” She scrolled through her messages.
Would you like to go to church with us today? I’m picking my father up at ten thirty. The service starts at eleven.
Without hesitation, she texted back, Yes. And then remembering Wiley, How long is the service?
About forty-five minutes.
She didn’t expect Wiley until noon, so it would be perfect. She answered Wally again and said she’d be looking for them at ten forty-five. Going back to her breakfast, she watched people walking by with heavy coats and hats pulled down to their eyes, a stream of people going to breakfast down the street and coming into the inn. Sunday morning routines were comforting, a nice way to start the week with an interesting, new family. She had no way of knowing the lie covered up for her benefit.
At the cabin, Ravenna was pacing, wishing her daughters would go back to their own homes so she could get out for a hike. Finally, she decided she didn’t care if it was rude leaving them alone. “Girls, I’m going out for a bit. You’re welcome to stay here, but you should go back to your homes.”
“I hate leaving you alone,” April said.
“You don’t have to worry about me,” Ravenna replied. “Nothing’s changed for me. I want to get out and forage before the snow comes.” It didn’t look like they were going to budge, so she went to the door and started to pull on her boots.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Regina asked.
“Why wouldn’t I be? Are you sure you’ll be okay?” When she didn’t answer, Ravenna looked at her and saw that Regina might be in a worse place than April. She straightened up and addressed her. “Regina, thank you for sharing all of my burdens. I now know it wasn’t wise for a mother to place all that on the shoulders of a child. But it’s finished. Both of you, stop using your childhood at the river’s edge as an excuse to stay stuck. This isn’t a dress rehearsal, you know. Stop wasting your life.”
She took her coat off the hook, put it on, and wound the scarf around her head and neck. Grabbing an apple, she stuck it in her pocket, a sign she was planning to hike for hours. Folded newspapers and a plastic bag meant she would be searching for treasures. “Go home. I love you.” With that, she left the cabin and started walking upriver.
The sisters gathered up
their belongings and left in silence, both shaken to the core by what they had heard that morning, the yet-unanswered questions would haunt them. April thought of George Patos. Why is he still alive? She thought of how he must have appeared all of those years ago, in his early thirties, handsome, successful, doing what he wanted and taking whatever he pleased. She’d have to make it an act of her will not to call him and tell him that she knew the truth, possibly putting her license at risk if she threatened him with harm as she really wanted to do.
They made the trip back into town, each deep in thought. Regina pulled up in front of April’s house. “I guess I’ll talk to you later.”
She nodded her head and got out, waving good-bye as her sister drove off. Ted would be inside, waiting for her. She thought how kind and supportive he was, and how he patiently took the backseat to her domineering family. She’d figure out a way to make it up to him.
Ravenna’s statement about wasting her life filtered through Regina’s head. She was wasting her life in alcoholism, and the memory of Gloria’s face, always worried, wondering if Regina would backslide, filled her with guilt. Why did she do it? She almost enjoyed the attention. Making the decision to start going to AA meetings, it filled her with peace and resolve. She’d try to stop wasting her life to honor her mother, if not herself.
Dexter woke up early on Sunday. The wind was whipping up the waves, and he could hear the beach sounds filtering up the cliff to their house. Quietly leaving the bedroom so as not to disturb Faye, he carefully shut the door. It was so rare for her to sleep later than he did, and he wanted to have time alone that morning, both to surprise her with breakfast and to contemplate. He’d made the decision that they needed to see a marriage counselor.
Every so often, the vision of him slipping a Xanax into her wineglass haunted him. It was a criminal offense, and if she ever figured it out, he was sure she’d leave him. She hadn’t complained about not being able to sleep since he stopped doing it, and he had the creepy feeling some of her new easygoing demeanor was because he’d drugged her. Shuddering, he turned back to the coffee pot. His father might have acted as a temporary buffer in the house, but Dexter knew he needed to insist they work on their problems before starting a family. It wasn’t fair to bring children into a relationship as sick as theirs was.
The Liberation of Ravenna Morton Page 24
