Her joked failed. Not even a twitch of those lips, much less a smile.
Dan’s eyes narrowed. ‘What’s complicated about it?’
‘Brian for one.’
‘I don’t see it. You’re either married or you’re not, Maggie. You’re either happy about where you are and where you’re going as a couple, or you aren’t.’
It’s more complicated than that, she wanted to say. The Rev’s favourite marriage service line came to mind. He’d say: ‘Marriage isn’t about losing your dreams. It’s about having someone to share your dreams with.’ And yet here she was, his daughter, struggling to find that in her own relationship. Maybe Maggie didn’t lose her dreams when she married Brian. She lost herself. Now her husband hadn’t so much rejected or abandoned her, he’d forgotten her. Worse, he’d neglected his son, putting Noah and her second to his dreams. She’d known that for some time. It was about as obvious as an inside-out top, only it had taken someone like Ethne to point that out to her. Now Dan, looking wounded, eyes smouldering with confusion, was questioning Maggie, pointing out something just as obvious about her marriage. Maybe she needed to take a good look in the mirror, figuratively speaking. She was living a life she didn’t remember agreeing to. When she’d married Brian, she hadn’t said ‘I do’. She’d said ‘I don’t’.
I don’t live for myself.
I don’t enjoy what I want.
I don’t even know what I want any more.
Now Dan Ireland had turned her life inside out and this was not as easy to fix as her top too hastily thrown on after a romp at the river. She had other considerations. Noah for one.
‘Well, Maggie?’ The unexpected harshness in Dan’s voice snapped her attention back.
‘Well what?’
‘Are you married or not? This isn’t complicated. I spend half my time investigating why someone seventeen, eighteen, twenty, ends up dead on a dry, straight, level stretch of expertly engineered highway or breathtakingly beautiful country road. The other half I spend watching parents cry that they’ve failed and wasted all those years loving their children and teaching them right from wrong. Now that’s what I call complicated, Maggie.’
‘Years spent loving someone isn’t a waste, Dan. Never.’
‘Sometimes it is, especially when they don’t love you back.’
‘Brian loves me. He’s … he’s vulnerable and confused.’
Dan recoiled as if she’d physically slapped him, his eyes flaring wide. ‘Vulnerable and confused? Is that what you call it? Is that what your son called what he walked in on that day?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean? Noah told me he found his father drunk and stoned, just as I was afraid he would. My son’s angry, but I’m hoping he’ll be okay in time. He was upset, but he was raised to forgive and Brian is his father.’
‘You need to talk to Noah. He’s protecting you.’
‘Protecting me from what?’
‘Just talk to him, Maggie. Make him sit down and tell you how he feels about Brian.’
‘You think you know everything, Dan. Well, you’ll learn soon enough there is no making a seventeen-year-old sit down and do anything. Boys Noah’s age are making their own choices. Big, important, life-changing decisions and I can’t do anything to stop that from happening. Michael was the same. His choices were different but …’ A veil of sadness fell across Dan’s face. ‘Only one person could control Michael. I’ve missed having Mum around. I’ve missed having her to guide me and help me be a good mother, too.’
‘Of course you’re a good mother. One look at your son tells me that.’
‘I can’t take the credit for Noah. I worked all day. But Brian … Brian was an amazing dad. That’s why he doesn’t deserve to lose his family simply because he’s made some bad choices. We all make those. I just thought, if I could get Brian out here, away from all those influences … Maybe it’s too late for us. Or maybe we could all start again and Noah would have his father.’
Dan’s body slumped, defeated. ‘I don’t know Brian,’ he said, ‘but I do know you. And I see Noah is the son of Maggie Lindeman. He protects people too. He won’t easily say something that he knows will hurt you.’
‘He doesn’t have to tell me. I’m not an idiot or naïve. I know about Brian’s drinking—and worse. He’s far from perfect, but—’
‘You don’t understand, Maggie.’
Maggie bristled, growled. ‘Are they the first words they teach a man? You don’t understand! Brian says that to me all the time and to be honest—’
‘So you’re comparing me to Brian now?’
‘Argh!’ Maggie slapped her serviette on the table. ‘Why am I even having this conversation with you, Dan? Why do you know so much about my marriage, and since when is it your business anyway?’
‘Since you asked me to help you and your son with your drop-kick of a husband.’
‘Well,’ she huffed. ‘That was my first mistake, and don’t even ask me what my second one was.’
Maggie hardly recognised her own voice. It wasn’t the angry fed-up exasperation she heard when arguing with Brian. This was shock, despair, heartache. Even Dan looked devastated. She’d heard the description a dozen times, but never seen someone actually turn ashen, and so quickly. She couldn’t let herself look at him.
‘Maggie, please.’
‘No, Dan, this was a mistake. Everything is a mistake.’ She rose from the table calm, but determined. ‘I’d like to go home now. I want to see my son and I want to say goodnight. This is over.’
‘Come on, Maggie, not like this. It’s not as if I live down the street or a few suburbs away. When I go back to Sydney—’
‘The fairy tale ends.’ She finished the sentence for him. ‘I told you once before, Dan, I have priorities. If things are that bad with Brian then he’s going to need support and understanding.’
‘That doesn’t have to be you.’
‘Dad, in his publican days, used to say, “People who rely on drink aren’t bad people. They’re sad people. Drinking helps them escape for a while. If we care about them, our job is to stick around and support them while they escape.” I can’t stop caring what happens to Brian because of the choices he’s made, any more than I would Noah. Noah will need me too.’
‘And what will you need, Maggie?’
49
Dan
‘Ethne.’ Dan’s quick nod acknowledged the barmaid before daring to look at Maggie, also behind the bar, her hands busy in the cash register. ‘Maggie. Good morning.’
‘Hello, Dan,’ Maggie said with a forced formality, her tone matching his.
‘Mornin’ to ya, Dan,’ Ethne chirruped, the old bird immediately wise to a problem. Dan wondered whether she and Maggie had talked already. ‘What can I getchya? The sun’s not quite over the yard arm yet, but you look like you could do with a shot of something.’
Thank goodness Ethne was in barmaid mode. Dan was in no mood for a battle with the bodyguard. This morning he was a man on a mission and with a small window of opportunity to spit out what had kept him tossing and turning these last two nights since dinner. He’d deliberately steered clear of Maggie and the pub yesterday, spending time preparing old Charlie—and himself—for their father/son road trip.
‘Look, Maggie, I’m going to come straight out and say this, okay?’
Maggie’s expression was the picture of panic, her eyes darting around the near-empty bar before resting on Ethne.
The barmaid jerked into action. ‘Well then, looks like I’ll be in the kitchen hunting for some eye-gouging chopsticks.’
Dan had no idea what the old dame was talking about, but the turn of phrase had made Maggie smile. That had to be a good thing, considering the circumstances. The older woman who looked like a remnant from the seventies with her frilly skirts and noisy bangles was starting to grow on him.
‘Maggie, this won’t take long. It can’t take long. I dropped the old man off up the street. He insisted on getting a haircut before we lea
ve. Clearly the city has no barbers.’
Maggie hadn’t moved, except to close the till drawer and put a glass of water on the bar.
‘Thanks, my mouth’s as dry as a drover’s dog.’ He returned the glass to the bar along with a small bunch of wildflowers he’d hidden behind his back. They’d been growing along the entry road to his family property. Dan had seen them while out walking at sparrow-fart this morning. At the time, he’d been remembering that first moment at the reunion when he’d looked into Maggie’s smiling eyes and she’d given him a hard time for reneging on the promised corsage. That school dance had been their first date—their only date until last night. Time to start making amends.
Maggie looked at the flowers, then up at Dan questioningly.
‘You said I owed you a corsage.’
She took a glass from the rack and filled it with water, setting the flowers on the bar by the cash register.
‘They’re lovely. Thank you.’
‘I’m sorry about dinner the other night. Ah, what I mean is …’ He pressed his clenched fist into the bar. Don’t bugger this up, Dan, mate! ‘I’m sorry it ended the way it did and I’m really hoping you didn’t mean to finish things like that.’
‘I know you hate me using the word complicated. I don’t even like it. The word makes me sound so pathetic. Maybe overwhelmed is better. I’m overwhelmed, Dan.’
‘I know you’ve had a lot going on. I was having a coffee at Will’s yesterday and Sara—’ There was that panic-stricken face again. ‘Relax, Sara didn’t tell me anything except … Now what were her words exactly? Oh, yeah, I believe she said words to the effect of “Don’t be a dickhead, Dan. Get your”—I think she may have slipped in a flattering adjective or two—“arse over there and tell Maggie you’ll give her all the time she needs.” I think that was the gist of her advice, anyway.’
Dan heard a sigh. Maggie’s shoulders shuddered, loosened, the tension easing. While there was no smile, eyes like Maggie’s didn’t lie. Somehow he’d managed to tweak the pressure valve.
‘So persuasive and expressive was that advice of Sara’s, I slept on it. Perhaps sleeping is not exactly the word to describe last night, but now here I am with minutes to spare, telling you I will give you all the time you need.’ Dan desperately wanted to reach across and take her hand in his. ‘I haven’t stopped thinking about you since dinner, since the reunion, and I could go back further than that. But I’ll keep to the current facts.’
The current facts? He sounded like an investigator with a case to solve.
‘I didn’t even want to come back to this bloody town, only Tracy asked me and I couldn’t say no. She’s loved me and put up with me for so long. She needed my support. I get that part now. I wanted to do that one small thing if it made her happy. Of course I wondered if you’d be at the reunion too.’
‘G’day, Maggie love,’ Barney said as he and Cricket sidled over to the bar.
‘Oh, hi, fellas.’ Maggie jumped to attention before Dan could grab her hand. ‘The usual?’
‘Picked it in one.’
Dan must have groaned aloud because when he looked up, Barney and Cricket were staring at him.
‘Listen, guys, do a bloke a favour will you?’
‘Name it,’ Cricket said.
‘Take your beers and bugger off.’
‘Dan!’ Maggie hushed.
‘Just give us five minutes, fellas. You know what it’s like to be this close to telling a woman you’re falling in love with her, don’t ya?’
Barney slapped Dan on the back. ‘Onya, mate. You want any advice, we’ll be in the beer garden. Good luck.’
‘Thanks, Maggie-poo,’ Cricket said.
With a wink the pair trundled out of the main bar, chuckling.
‘Dan—’ Maggie began.
‘Let me finish. The weird thing is, while on one hand I dreaded returning, coming back to the country has made me happy. I don’t remember when “happy” was even a word for me. My kids are the only thing to make me feel this good. I feel alive. I feel positive for the first time in years. I’m picking wildflowers, having a deep and meaningful with Barney and Cricket, and using phrases like “dry as a drover’s dog”, for God’s sake.’ He silently revelled in having made Maggie smile again. ‘I’m not going to push you. God knows you’ve had enough to deal with lately. But I don’t want to be one of those guys who lets life pass him by—the one who could have been more, had more, loved more, if only he hadn’t been such a monumental dickhead.’
Another smile. This was good.
‘So, that’s what I’m here to do. Now. Before I leave on a nine-hour road trip with a man I haven’t had a relationship with in, err, well ever. Could be a whole new take on Thelma and Louise, I’m thinking. Maybe I should stay away from cliffs and canyons.’
‘You know Thelma and Louise, Dan? Which one are you?’
A bigger smile. Now he was really getting somewhere.
‘Actually,’ he said, allowing himself a small chuckle, ‘I always fancied myself as the Brad Pitt character.’
‘Wasn’t he a crook on the run?’ she asked.
Laughter and words. One touch from Maggie’s hand would make the full trifecta.
‘Out on parole, I think, but if you’ll just bear with me, okay, Maggie?’
A mix of relief and hope swept through Dan and he dared reach across the bar to where Maggie’s hands had a throttlehold on his empty water glass.
‘I don’t want to leave today. I want to stay and talk and work out what to do about us, but I don’t have a choice. I also think it’s probably best. The other night at dinner—’
‘You were right,’ Maggie interjected. ‘Noah was protecting me. We talked about his father.’
‘I’d give anything not to have been right.’
‘I know. I need time with my family, Dan. I am married—for the time being. Until I work my life out, I have Noah to consider. Brian and I have talked, but he’s in a very dark place. He needs more than I can give him, I realise that now. He just needs time to see it for himself. I can support him and get him the help he needs.’
‘I understand,’ he said. His hand linked with hers and tightened, her hand squeezing back.
‘Brian and I might not have a marriage, but we have a history and a son.’ She seemed to know Dan was about to speak again and raised a silencing hand. ‘I’ve seen how losing someone you love destroys a person. Cheryl Bailey had her daughter taken away, Fiona lost her mother, your mother destroyed your father when she walked away, and Dad was never the same after losing Mum.’
‘I understand. I do. What I love about you, what I saw in you all those years ago, was your strength and the way you cared and protected people. You understood me when I didn’t understand myself. I’ll give you time, but you have to do something for me.’ He waited for her to nod. ‘Tell your bodyguard to take it easy when I call. And I will call, and email, and text, and—’
‘Okay, okay, I get it.’ She managed a laugh.
Dan didn’t know how he’d do the same as he looked at his watch and saw the time ticking away.
‘I’m not sure how long I’ll keep the old bugger in the city. We haven’t even left town yet and he’s asking me when I’m bringing him home. Before I go, you have to promise to have dinner with me when I come back. We have so much to talk about.’
‘Yes, Dan, we do. There are things I want to say, but you don’t need to hear any of it right now. Do what you have to do.’
‘Just promise me, whatever day, eight o’clock, you and me. Don’t ask where, ’cause that’s something I’d need to think about. I’ve never had to deal with finding a place to take someone who owns the only dinner place in town. Just promise me that one thing, please?’
‘I’ll promise you I’ll be here, Dan. That’s all.’
To everything there is a season.
A time for every purpose under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3
50
Maggie
M
aggie watched Dan go, confident life would return to a sort of constancy now, although punctuated with panic over exams and up-coming assessment tasks for Noah.
‘A big few days,’ Maggie said as she sat down to a bite of lunch with her son, hoping to engage him in conversation. There were still things to be said. First she wanted to reassure him that while school exams were important, grades were not a measure of how successful he would be.
‘But I want you to be proud,’ he said.
‘You never have to doubt that, Noah. But I don’t need to be proud of you so much as I need you to be proud of yourself. Your choices should make you happy. I know music is your passion and I understand what it feels like to want to follow that passion.’ She also understood what it felt like to take second place to a passion, but she didn’t share that with her son. ‘What worries me is you doing it for the wrong reason. To be famous. You can do all the wrong things and become famous.’
Maggie’s phone sounded. She removed it from her pocket, thumbed the screen and, seeing a message from Brian, slipped the phone back in the pocket again.
‘That was Dad,’ Noah stated, her son’s perceptiveness never failing to surprise Maggie. ‘I don’t get why you didn’t tell me about him.’
‘I thought I was protecting you. He couldn’t be a good husband, father and famous all at once. Something had to give. He made his choice.’
‘Didn’t you try to change his mind?’
Maggie shook her head. ‘Noah, buddy, you have to trust that I did enough. Your father and I haven’t been on the same path for a while. There comes a time when you have to let people make their own decisions. You should understand that.’ Noah’s gaze slipped away for a moment. ‘Hey, it’s not like I’m walking away completely, but I can’t put my dreams on hold any more. Now I know where I stand, I can support Dad. He’ll need that. And I need you to focus on your school work.’
Simmering Season Page 39
