I stepped away, but I knew he heard me calling him. A few minutes later the police car with Terrence in it drove away. He looked up. I just stood there not knowing what to do. Because of me, Terrence was headed to the police station. I looked around seeing people leaving, and then I saw Sierra standing there, too. The toe of her white sneaker was covered in blood. She didn’t say anything. She just looked at me for a second and then turned and walked away.
I ran home.
nineteen
Looking 4 Plan B
“I thought plan A was going to work. As a matter of fact I thought plan A was working pretty well. Then there was plan B. I just hope I don’t need to get a plan C and D.”
—MySpace.com
I slammed the door hard. The loud solid bang seemed to shake the entire house. I bolted, latched, secured and then fastened the three locks tight. It was like I was trying to lock everything out. Every part of my life that was wrong needed to be on the other side of that door. It needed to be as far away from me as possible.
I walked into the living room and slumped down in the chair. The numbness I used to feel was gone, and the pain was coming back. I was starting to hurt again. The feeling of helplessness—the dull, corrosive anger—ate at me. I could feel it welling up inside. An explosion was coming. I needed to scream, to hit, to fight, but not to cry, no, not again, never again. I started remembering what Dr. Tubbs said, but he was wrong.
“No, it’s not okay, it’s not okay, it’s not okay,” I started whispering without even realizing it. I chanted over and over again. “No, it’s not okay to be mad at her,” I said aloud.
But what if everybody was right all along?
I need to stop. But I can’t. I don’t know how. I’m too angry, I’m too mad, at Darien for what he tried to do and Cassie for setting me up like that. I’m mad at Sierra, at Ursula, at Li’l T, at Diamond and Jalisa and even at Terrence and I don’t even know why.
I grabbed my atomizer and inhaled deep. I got up and went upstairs. My chest was heavy, and my breathing was labored. Climbing the stairs to the third floor was like climbing a mountain straight up. Plus the whole time I was going upstairs, I could hear the doorbell ringing and then knocking on the front door.
I got to my room, lay on the bed and then I closed my eyes hoping it would stop. It didn’t. It just got louder and louder. I knew it was Li’l T. Who else could it be? It was just like him to pester me still. I crawled into a ball. I heard my cell vibrating and then I heard my name called. Somebody was yelling in the street. It sounded like Li’l T, but I don’t know. I put the pillow over my head to drown it out.
My head was spinning, and I felt like I was drowning in darkness. I tried to hold on, but it was no use. I squeezed my eyes tight, held to the side of the pillow and let the darkness cover me.
My medicine had done the trick. But I guess I took too much, ’cause when I do, and I’m already upset, I get dizzy and kind of pass out. It happened before, the night when my mom died. She slapped me, and I got mad then ran out the house. I don’t remember anything much after that, but I guess Terrence brought me back. I was having trouble breathing, so my mom gave me the medicine. I guess it was too much ’cause I woke up in the same halfway haze then that I was in now.
But the good thing was that I was safe, calm and breathing better, even though things were still kind of foggy. I opened my eyes to see the time. My head was still spinning, so I closed them tight again. I remembered everything, Cassie, the drugs on the dresser, the gun and of course Darien and what he tried to do.
I still can’t believe that I trusted his stupid ass. But even after everything, I was more upset with myself. It was so dumb of me to go into the house like that. I’d heard the lecture so many times from my mom about walking right into trouble. I can’t believe I just did that. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I seriously know better, but I did it anyway. But out of everything that happened, I especially remembered Terrence and the disappointed look in his eyes as the police car drove away. The thing was, I didn’t blame him one bit.
I opened my eyes slowly and looked straight up at the ceiling. The first thing I thought about was my mom. She had been looking out for me. I know she was with me the whole time. She must have given me the idea to hit him with the trophies ’cause I have no idea where it came from. All of a sudden I reached out and it was in my hand.
I miss her so much. I still can’t believe she’s gone sometimes. I get death. I know everybody’s gotta go; it’s inevitable. But that doesn’t make it fair. It’s been over two months. I guess I’ll never stop missing her or loving her. After a while I just lay there, staring up, remembering, running, breathing and the banging on the front door. The haze in my head was clearing, and I started thinking about what almost happened. I got scared all over again. If he wasn’t so high, if I hadn’t grabbed the trophies, if I hadn’t run fast enough…
My cell phone vibrated. I ignored it and looked across the room at the clock. I’d been asleep for an hour. I got up and went downstairs. The house was quiet and outside was quiet. It wasn’t that late but I guess trick-or-treating was way over. I went to the front window and peeked through the curtain. Nobody was outside, and my grandmother’s car wasn’t in its usual space in front of the house. It wasn’t unusual. Sometimes she stayed late after bingo to sit and talk with her friends.
I headed for the kitchen, and as soon as I turned the light on, the house phone rang. I almost jumped out of my skin as I grabbed it. “Hello.”
“Kenisha, it’s Dad. I’ve been trying to call you all night.”
“It’s on vibrate and I forgot to um—”
“I stopped by earlier, but no one was at home.”
“I was—”
“Never mind about that. I need your help. I’m at the hospital. Courtney’s in labor. She’s early, and there are complications.”
“What do you want me to do?” I asked.
“Yes, yes, I know, why should you even care? I know the two of you never got along, and it’s understandable. It’s my fault. I was wrong to do what I did, and how I did it, but all that is in the past. I can’t change it. I wish I could. Your mother, everything. I wish I could just go back and make everything right again, but I can’t and I…” he rambled.
“Dad, no, that’s how I meant it. What do you want me to do to help?” I heard myself saying with all sincerity.
“Thank you. The boys are here with me. I need you to…”
“What hospital? I’ll come get them,” I said.
I wrote down the name of the hospital then called a cab. The dispatch said that it would be at least an hour’s wait—maybe more—because of Halloween and all the Friday night parties in Georgetown. I called the only other person I could think of and then I left a quick note for my grandmother.
My ride came in no time, and within fifteen minutes, we arrived at the emergency area. It was packed. I couldn’t believe all the people in there waiting. I found my dad and the boys sitting in the waiting area by the window. Dad was staring blankly at the TV, and the boys were curled up asleep in the same chair beside him.
We walked over, and he got up as soon as he saw us. I could see his eyes tearing. He grabbed us both and just held tight. Neither Jade nor I pulled away. “Thank you, thank you,” he whispered.
“No thanks necessary,” Jade said.
“How’s Courtney and the baby?” I asked.
“She’s asleep. They’re trying to wait the problem out.”
“Is that a good idea, I mean just sitting back doing nothing and hoping for the best?” I asked.
“Apparently,” he said.
“How early is she?” Jade asked.
“Two months.”
“How long has she been in labor?” she continued.
“I don’t know. We fought and I walked out. When I got back, the boys had called the police because she’d fallen.”
I looked over at the sleeping boys. Their heads were together, and they looked like little angels. I walk
ed over and woke up them up. They grabbed me and held tight, each talking a mile a minute about what happened. “…and there was blood everywhere…” “…and she fell down…” “…I called 911 like in school, they taught us that and I remembered…” “…I know too…”
“All right guys, come on. Get your coats. You’re coming home with me.”
“To the gingerbread house?” Jason asked. I nodded. “Yeah,” they yelled.
“Shh,” I said holding my finger to my lips, “you have to be quiet, okay?”
“Okay,” they each whispered. “Who’s that?”
I knew they were talking about Jade, but I turned anyway. “That’s Jade. She’s my sister.”
“We have another sister?” Jr. said.
“We have another sister?” Jason repeated.
“Yes, we have another sister,” I said not ready to explain the nuances of our slightly twisted and blended family.
They immediately jumped down from the chair and ran full speed directly to Jade. Thank goodness she’d finished her conversation with Dad and saw them charging her. They slammed full impact into her legs and held tight.
“Whoa,” she said, staggering back but able to remain steady, “and who are these little guys?” She giggled as they continued to hold her legs and talk.
“We’re you sisters, see?” Jason said, pointing to Jr.
“Oh, okay. I have two new sisters,” she said.
“Yeah,” Jason said.
“Yes,” Jade corrected.
“No, that’s not right. We’re not your sisters. You’re our sisters,” Jr. corrected Jason and Jade.
“Oh, I see, so that would make you my…”
Jason looked at Jr., and they both looked at me. I shrugged. Then Jason yelled, “Brothers.” We all quieted him. But he was too excited to have come up with the right answer.
“I was gonna say that,” Jr. said quickly.
“But I said it first,” Jason teased.
“Come on, guys, let’s get out of here,” I said.
“Are we going to your house too?” Jr. asked Jade.
“Yes, is that okay?” Jade said.
“Do you have more cookies?” Jason asked.
“I don’t think so, but maybe if you’re very good, we can ask my grandmother if we can make more.”
Jason yawned. “How do you make cookies?” he asked, sleepily.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow. Come on,” Jade said.
“Is mommy coming, too?” Jr. asked.
“No, your mom’s busy right now.”
“What’s she doing?” Jason asked.
“Why don’t we get a good night’s sleep, and then we’ll talk about everything tomorrow. Okay?” Jade said. “Come on.”
“Thank you, Jade,” Dad said, his voice cracking. She nodded as she took their hands and headed toward the exit.
“Is there anything else you need?” I asked.
He shook his head. “No, thank you, baby girl. After everything, I don’t know how…”
“Don’t worry about anything. Grandmom’s gonna love having the boys over. You know how she is. We’ll take good care of them.”
“I know you will. I gave Jade the house keys. You’ll need to get clothes and stuff for them.”
“Sure, don’t worry. You just take care of Courtney. Give her my best, for real.”
“I will.”
“Bye, Dad,” I said, then hugged him.
By the time I got to the car, Jason and Jr. were belted and secure in the backseat. “Ready?” Jade asked. I nodded. We drove to my dad’s house to get the boys’ clothing and overnight bags. We gathered everything and headed back to D.C. The boys fell asleep instantly.
“So how’ve you been?” Jade asked casually.
“I’ve had better days,” I said.
“Your dad’s girlfriend will be fine,” she said.
“No, it’s not that. Terrence was picked up by the police tonight, and I need to figure out a way to get him out.”
twenty
An Incidental Subplot
“‘The faster I go, the behinder I get.’ It’s a stupid plaque hanging on the wall in the kitchen. I never got it until now. I thought that if I ran fast enough then maybe I’d get away from all that drama. I was wrong.”
—MySpace.com
“Terrence got picked up by the police? How? Why?” Jade said, obviously louder then she expected because she glanced in the rearview mirror to the backseat. I looked around, too. The boys were still asleep.
“He was fighting this guy, and the police came.”
“That doesn’t sound like Terrence, at least not anymore. A few years ago, yes, maybe, no, make that definitely.”
“Why, what do you mean? What happened a few years ago?”
“That’s when his brother was killed.”
“I thought that happened a long, long time ago.”
“No, it was maybe three or four years ago, something like that. When his brother died, he was so angry nobody could get through to him. Counselors tried, his parents tried, his friends tried, everybody tried.”
“But he’s not angry anymore? What happened?”
“He really should be telling you this.”
“No, tell me,” I asked.
“Grandmom happened. One day he was throwing stones out back, and he broke her shed window. Grandmom was pissed so she marched next door and told him to get his butt over there and fix it. He blew her off, and she really went off on him. I don’t know what else happened, but he fixed the shed window. Then she told him while he was at it to cut her grass and trim her rose bushes. He did, and I guess that was the end of that. They got close.”
“So Grandmom helped him,” I said.
She nodded. “Yeah, that’s why I told you to talk to her. She’s good. I call her sometimes just to vent. She’s better than any shrink, believe me. So, are you still that angry?”
“I didn’t think so, but I guess I am, kinda.”
“I can’t tell you to just get over it because I know it’s not that easy. Your feelings are valid, but you need to find another way to channel them.”
“When you were angry at me all those years, what did you do?”
“Dance,” Jade said, then laughed and shook her head. “Girl, I wanted to strangle you so many times. Your attitude, your behavior, everything about you pissed me off. And I’m not even going to get started about your father.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry about all that…”
“Hey, we’ve done the sorry thing before. All that is in the past. We’re sisters, we’re friends.”
“I know, but not knowing for all those years what was really going on in my life, it was like I was there but not really. Does that make any sense?”
“Yes, it makes a lot of sense.”
“For real, it’s like I woke up from a dream and all of a sudden I have a sister, a different house, two little brothers and no mom.”
“And that’s who you’re really mad at, isn’t it?”
“No,” I said quickly.
“Of course you are,” she said.
“I am not, I’m not mad at Mom. Why does everybody think that? I’m not mad at her,” I affirmed.
“Why not? I am. I’m mad at her.”
“How can you be mad at her? She’s dead,” I said.
“So, that doesn’t mean I can’t still be pissed. Kenisha, I’m angry, too. I’m mad as hell that she left me like this. I go to pick up the phone and call her and then it hits me that she’s not there anymore. I drive up to the house and expect to see her sitting waiting on the porch for us to hang out and she’s not there. You ask how can I be mad, are you kidding me? How can I not be mad at her.”
I glanced over at her as she drove. The streetlights illuminated her profile. She looked just like mom, just like me. And she was feeling exactly everything I was feeling. I started crying. “About Terrence, there’s more to it than just that he was fighting this guy,” I said. “He got arrested because of me.”
“Why did Terrence get arrested because of you?”
I told her everything, the whole story including what I’d left out about the go-go club and seeing the gun and drugs on the dresser and what Darien tried to do to me. The more I talked the more I cried. Everything just poured out of me. Jade was quiet the whole time. Then when I finished she didn’t say anything, but when she finally did, it wasn’t what I expected.
“Sometimes when I think about it,” she began, “all the things that will never happen, I get so mad I feel like exploding. I would have loved to get married and have my dad walk me down the aisle and my mother sitting there in the front row. I would have loved to put her first grandchild in her arms. I would have loved to tell her that she’s coming to live with me and Ty and that she never has to worry about anything ever again. I would have loved to tell her that I love her one more time.
“But I can’t. That’s never going to happen, and it’s hard to accept, but it is what it is. Nothing will change that, not me getting pissed and not you fighting and messing up your life. Yes, it makes me livid because it’s so unfair. She died too young. There’s so much more she would have loved to see, to do and to be. You think I’m not mad, that I don’t want to fight or punch something. Girl please, you don’t know the half of it.”
She paused and grabbed a small pack of tissues from the compartment between the two front seats. She took a tissue and handed me a couple. I just broke down crying more.
“To tell you the truth, Kenisha, I don’t know what all this means. I don’t have a clue. I guess it’s all about the grand design. Like Grandmom says, it was God’s will. Mom was supposed to die when she did, and that’s all there is to it. Now we’re supposed to mourn her then go on. But I think it’s how we go on that’s the free will part. What we choose to do as a result of the hand we’ve been dealt is up to us.
“All I know is that mom would never have wanted you to be like this. Hanging out all night in places you know you have no business going, dealing with some street punks and God knows what else. Don’t you know when you do all that you’re not only letting your family down but you’re letting yourself down? You’ve been reckless, not just with your life, but with others’ as well.”
Fast Forward Page 18
