by Kate Hardy
Sophie stared at him as his words sank in, her face paling with shock. ‘Fran drowned? Oh, my God. I’m so sorry, Jamie. I had no idea. I thought she died because she fell ill while you were abroad.’
‘She didn’t drown,’ Jamie corrected. ‘She went diving and got scratched on a coral reef. It turned out she was allergic to the coral sting—she went into anaphylactic shock. The diver with her called for help and started bringing her back to shore, but the allergic reaction made her face and throat swell up, she couldn’t breathe and her heart stopped. She was dead by the time the medics got to them.’
‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.’ Sophie blew out a breath. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘It’s not exactly the kind of thing that comes up in conversation.’
‘But you could have made sure the information was in Cindy’s file. What if the real temporary nanny had taken Sienna swimming?’
‘Swimming isn’t on the list of activities Sienna does. The real temporary nanny,’ he pointed out, ‘would have stuck to the rules.’ Whereas Sophie had well and truly broken them.
‘Jamie, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. But what are you going to do when Sienna goes to school? Tell her teacher that she’s the only child in the class who’s not allowed to go swimming?’
‘Yes,’ he said.
The expression of anguish in her eyes turned to anger. ‘That’s not reasonable, and you know it. What happened to Fran was desperately tragic, and I’m sorry for your loss and Sienna’s, but there aren’t any coral reefs in English indoor swimming pools. And what if when Sienna’s older and she’s messing about with a group of friends, and one of them thinks it’d be funny to throw her into an outdoor pool? If she can’t swim and it’s a deep pool, what then? You’re prepared to let her drown?’
‘Her friends will be too sensible to throw her in a pool.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Jamie, you were a teenager yourself once. A student. You know how sometimes things get out of hand. Nobody means any harm, but things happen. Isn’t it better that she knows how to get out of trouble?’
‘My daughter doesn’t swim. End of,’ he said curtly. He couldn’t tolerate the idea.
‘But—’
‘No buts,’ he cut in.
‘You’re not being fair to her.’
‘I don’t care. She doesn’t swim.’
Sophie blew out a breath. ‘So, what? You’re never going to take her to the seaside, either?’
‘Correct.’ How could he let her anywhere near the sea, the thing that had killed her mother? Why couldn’t Sophie understand that he was trying to protect his little girl? ‘That’s one of the reasons we don’t go to Norfolk. Do you know where Fran’s parents live? In a village right next to the North Sea.’ It was way, way too dangerous.
‘Why?’ she asked, shaking her head in apparent confusion. ‘Why are you going to deprive Sienna of the sheer joy of paddling at the edge of the sea on a hot summer’s day, when you know she’ll be perfectly safe because you’re holding your hand? Why won’t you let her build a sandcastle, put seaweed flags and shells on the towers, and fill up the moat with sea water? Why won’t you let her look for foss—’ She broke off. ‘Hang on. I told you about my childhood, about me and my brothers wanting to find a dinosaur on the beach at Lyme Regis. You could’ve said something then.’
‘Sienna was with us.’
‘Later, then,’ she said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because it was all my fault!’ The words came out slightly louder than he’d intended, and she flinched.
But she didn’t back down.
She didn’t stop asking questions, either.
‘Why was it your fault, Jamie?’
‘Because it should’ve been me,’ he said. ‘We were in the Caribbean, looking at a potential new resort. The place looked fine and we planned to try out the activities on offer. I was meant to go out diving around the coral reef, but I’d eaten something that disagreed with me and was ill that morning, so she went out instead. And she died.’ He clenched his teeth. ‘None of us knew she was allergic to coral. If I hadn’t been ill I would’ve been the one who was stung, not her. It would’ve been painful, maybe. But Fran would still be alive.’
* * *
Sophie had assumed that Fran had died from some kind of tropical disease—but now she knew Fran’s death had been caused by an allergic reaction to a coral sting, and Jamie blamed himself because she’d taken his place on the diving trip when he’d been too sick to go.
Now she understood why he was being so unreasonable about her taking Sienna swimming. And why he’d backed away from his daughter, not just because she reminded him of what he’d lost, but she reminded him of his guilt.
Guilt he shouldn’t been carrying in the first place, because it hadn’t been his fault at all.
‘You might have been allergic to the coral, too,’ she pointed out.
‘I’m not.’
‘It’s not your fault that Fran died.’
He gave her a look of sheer contempt. ‘Of course it is. If I’d gone on the diving trip instead of her, she wouldn’t have been scratched by the coral and she wouldn’t have died.’
‘You’d eaten something that disagreed with you,’ she reminded. ‘In that situation, when you’re being sick or you’ve got an upset stomach, you can’t even walk round a resort, let alone anything else. You need to rest and stay close to a bathroom and drink plenty of water. Diving was completely out of the question.’
‘It’s my fault,’ he repeated stubbornly.
‘No. But I tell you what is your fault,’ she said. ‘Sienna and Rose. You’re backing away from them because every time you see them they remind you of Fran, and you feel the loss and the guilt all over again.’ She lifted her chin. ‘For their sake, you have to break the cycle and get past it. Don’t let it ruin Sienna’s life any more than it has already. Find a counsellor who can help you.’
‘It has nothing to do with you,’ he said.
‘Actually, as I’m her temporary nanny, it has everything to do with me,’ she said.
No, it didn’t. He couldn’t handle this. What the hell had he been thinking? He was better off as he’d been before he’d met Sophie. Alone. Safe.
He knew what he needed to do now. ‘That’s easily sorted.’ He stared at her. ‘I’ll call the agency tomorrow morning and ask them to send someone. You’ve been here a month. At least some of their staff must’ve recovered from that virus by now.’
‘What?’ She looked at him in disbelief. ‘You can’t sack me. You’re not my boss.’
‘I believe the phrase you used is “a business partner who doesn’t interfere”.’ He folded his arms and glared at her. ‘I’m not interfering in Plans & Planes, and you’re not interfering with my life any more.’
‘Don’t be so ridiculous. I’m not interfering.’ She shook her head, trying to clear it. ‘I’m trying to understand what the hell’s going on in your head.’
‘You don’t need to. Now, I’d like my car key and front door key back, please.’ He held out his hand.
‘You don’t mean this.’ He couldn’t mean this. She could just about handle the fact that he wanted to keep the relationship between the two of them strictly business—all along she’d expected this to be third time unlucky—but he couldn’t take it out on Sienna. Not like this. ‘The deal is that I’m looking after Sienna until Cindy’s leg is healed.’
He lifted a shoulder. ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’d like you to go. Now.’
‘Then do I at least get to say goodbye to Sienna?’
‘I don’t think that’s appropriate.’
What? Sophie could understand why he was upset—her actions had inadvertently brought back his loss and grief—but this was totally unreasonable. ‘That’s not fair. She�
��s lost enough in her life.’
He gave her another of those witheringly cold looks. ‘You should’ve thought about that before you took her swimming.’
‘Oh, for pity’s sake! I didn’t know how Fran died,’ she reminded him through clenched teeth.
‘Even if you had, would it have made a difference?’
‘Yes. Of course it would. I would’ve discussed it with you.’
His expression said that he didn’t believe her. ‘My keys.’
Right now he wasn’t being reasonable; the more she argued with him, the more entrenched he was becoming. So maybe it was better to give a little ground now and try to talk about it again when he’d calmed down. She rummaged in her bag and took out the keys. ‘Please don’t do this, Jamie. It’s not fair on any of us.’
‘Thank you for your help over the last month,’ he said coolly.
Help? It wasn’t just helping him out over a childcare crisis. It had started out that way, yes—but they’d grown close over the last few weeks. He’d been trying to persuade her to date him. They’d kissed. Held each other.
And now he was ending it.
Ending everything.
‘Tell Sienna if she ever needs anything, I’m here,’ she said.
‘That won’t be necessary,’ Jamie said, and his expression was practically Arctic.
Maybe tomorrow, when he’d calmed down a bit, she could try talking to him again. But for now she concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, and walked out of the kitchen. Out of his house. Out of his life.
* * *
Jamie watched the door close behind Sophie. He couldn’t believe how quickly and how badly the row had escalated.
Why did he feel that this was somehow his fault? Because it wasn’t. Sophie had taken Sienna swimming without asking him. How could Sophie not see that she was massively in the wrong?
He damped down the hurt and anger and frustration, not wanting Sienna to see it, and went to check on her.
‘Where’s Sophie?’ she asked, looking up from her drawing.
‘She had to go.’
‘But she didn’t come and kiss me goodbye.’ Sienna’s bottom lip wobbled.
‘She had to go to a meeting,’ Jamie fibbed, hating himself for lying but wanting to save his daughter from any more hurt.
‘Oh. Well, I’ll give her my picture tomorrow,’ she said.
Sophie wasn’t going to be there tomorrow. Not that he was going to tell Sienna that right now. And guilt squeezed him even harder when he saw what she’d drawn: a swimming pool, with two little girls who were clearly herself and Hattie, and two women who were clearly Sophie and Hattie’s mum.
Sienna had obviously loved her afternoon at the swimming pool.
And he hated himself that little bit more.
* * *
‘But why isn’t Sophie taking me to nursery school?’ Sienna wailed the next morning when Jamie broke the news to her. ‘I need to give her my picture!’
‘Sophie can’t look after you any more,’ Jamie said. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Is that because she’s in heaven with Mummy?’
The question cut him to the quick. Was that really the first thing his daughter thought of when someone was no longer around? Sophie had suggested it but he hadn’t really believed her. Now he was beginning to think that Sophie might’ve been right. ‘No, she’s not in heaven, darling. She’s just busy at work. She was only helping out as long as she could until Cindy’s better.’
Sienna was crying. ‘I love Sophie.’
So do I, Jamie thought, but she put you at risk and I can’t handle that. And I can’t handle feeling things that I can’t control, either. ‘I’m going to take you to nursery school this morning. You’ll have a new nanny this afternoon who’ll look after you until Cindy’s leg is mended.’
And Ellen turned out to be everything he wanted in a nanny. Middle-aged, no-nonsense, and she stuck to the rules in the file.
Though he did keep two things from Sophie’s regime. He ate dinner with Sienna, even though Ellen kept to the nursery menus rather than the kind of food Sophie had let Sienna help her cook. And he made sure that he was the one to read Sienna a bedtime story. Tough, since the swimming incident, Ellen was the one who did bathtimes and hair-washing.
* * *
‘Right,’ Eva said on Wednesday morning, perching on the edge of Sophie’s desk. ‘Ignore all your calls. We need to talk. What’s happened?’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Sophie said, looking away.
Eva raised her eyebrows. ‘On Monday, you looked as if you’d cried yourself to sleep the previous night, then cried all through your shower that morning.’
She had.
‘Yesterday, you looked twice as bad. Today, you look worse still. So something’s obviously up, Soph. And, yes, I know I’m going away soon, but I’m still your best friend and I’ll always be here for you. So talk to me.’
‘Sorry.’ Sophie scrubbed at her eyes. ‘Give me a tick and I’ll sort out my make-up a bit better.’
Eva reached across the desk and hugged her. ‘I’d much rather you talked to me.’
‘All right.’ Sophie blew out a breath. ‘Jamie sacked me.’
Eva stared at her in obvious disbelief. ‘What?’
‘As Sienna’s nanny.’
‘Why?’
‘I took her swimming.’ Sophie bit her lip. ‘I thought you said Fran died from an unexpected illness.’
‘She did,’ Eva said.
‘Jamie told me she went diving and had a massive allergic reaction to a scratch on coral,’ Sophie said. ‘He went bananas when he realised I’d taken Sienna swimming.’
‘Oh, my God. I had no idea that’s what her illness was. I just assumed...’ Eva spread her hands, looking upset. ‘Well. It didn’t feel right to ask for details. We all just assumed it was some tropical disease that didn’t have a cure.’ Eva hugged Sophie again. ‘He’ll calm down and apologise.’
‘It doesn’t matter about an apology. I just want him to calm down and for things to be back to how they were.’ Sophie squeezed her eyes shut. ‘He’s not answering any of my calls, Eva.’
‘He’s got a Y chromosome,’ Eva reminded her. ‘It means he doesn’t always think things through.’
‘I miss Sienna.’
Eva gave her a narrow look. ‘And you miss Jamie. It wasn’t just business, was it?’
‘You know my track record in men. I always pick Mr Wrong.’ Sophie sighed heavily. ‘I screwed up yet again.’
‘Jamie’s a nice guy. He’s fair—well, most of the time he’s fair,’ Eva amended. ‘Just give him a chance to calm down. Then he’ll realise he’s been a total idiot. He won’t know how to fix things, being a guy, but give him a few more days and then try calling him again, act as if nothing’s happened, and...’
Sophie shook her head. ‘It’s over, Eva. I blew it.’
Eva hugged her again. ‘I’ll talk to him.’
‘No. I don’t want to be the pathetic woman who doesn’t know when to stop and drags everyone else into the break-up,’ Sophie said. ‘I just have to chalk this down to experience.’ And she was never, ever going to let herself lose her heart to anyone again.
* * *
Order. That was what Jamie liked. What Ellen was making sure he had.
So why did it feel so wrong? he wondered.
No more home-made Christmas decorations; but he hadn’t removed the tree that he’d decorated with Sienna and Sophie, hideously garish and tacky though it was.
No more Sienna trotting into his office to interrupt him, with flour smeared across her face and in her hair, carrying a cookie or a cupcake she’d baked especially for him and looking so pleased with herself.
No more chaos or dancing or si
nging.
And it got worse on Saturday when he and Sienna queued up to see Santa at the grotto in a nearby department store. There was tinnily annoying Christmas music, teenagers capering about dressed as elves, children in the queue getting fretful because the wait to see Santa was getting too much for them...
If Sophie had been with them, it would’ve been different. She would’ve got the kids around them singing along with the Christmas songs and doing the traditional actions. She would’ve revelled in the spirit of things; whereas Jamie felt distinctly Scrooge-like and had to bite his tongue to stop himself saying, ‘Bah, humbug!’
He missed Sophie.
Irrationally and stupidly, he missed her. He missed the warmth of her smile, the laughter in her eyes, the way she made a room feel like home just by walking into it.
And he didn’t have a clue what to say to his daughter to get them through the interminable wait to see Santa. Sophie would probably have spun some story about the elves in Santa’s workshop to distract the little girl. But he didn’t have the words. He wouldn’t even know where to start. And Sienna was just clinging to his hand, white-faced, looking as if she wanted to be a million miles away.
He could do with being a million miles away from all this nonsense, too.
He’d even suggested that morning that maybe they should skip the visit, but Sienna had been stubborn about it. ‘Sophie said we were going to see Santa.’
So Santa it was.
And his own Christmas spirit had more than deserted him, Jamie thought grimly.
Finally they were at the head of the queue, and Santa gave a jolly laugh as they walked in. ‘Good morning, young lady. And what’s your name?’
‘Sienna,’ she said shyly.
‘That’s a lovely name. And you’ve come out all the way to see me today?’
She nodded.
‘I’m very pleased. Have you been a good girl?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered.
‘I know you wrote to me to tell me, but I always like to hear children tell me. So what would you like for Christmas, Sienna?’ he asked.
She took a deep breath. ‘I want Sophie to be my new mummy.’
