The look in Tatum’s eyes will haunt me forever. They clouded over and she grabbed me, throwing her arms around my neck and crying hysterically, “NO! No, my mommy went away for a few days and she never came back. No, Daddy, don’t go!”
It had never occurred to me that Tatum would react the way she had. I looked at Blyss like she had the key to fix the situation, which she didn’t. Instead, she was crying too. The day had been a rollercoaster. Ups and downs were too close together, and I was left feeling like I was about to puke from it all. “Tatum, baby doll, you don’t have to worry, I’m going to come back.”
“What if you don’t?” she wailed.
All I could do was look at Blyss for some help in making the poor little girl feel safe. Blyss looked at me for a long moment, then patted Tatum on the back. “Let’s not think about things like that, Tatum. I’ll be right here. I’ll always be right here,” Blyss said with loving concern. “You have me too, don’t forget,” she reaffirmed.
And that’s when I lost my battle to the waterworks. Tears made their escape as my heart felt as if it was about to burst. “I love you, Blyss.” I squeezed Tatum as I held her in my arms. “And I love you, Tatum. I’ll come back to the two of you and the baby. Come hell or high water, I will come back to you, my family. Never doubt my ability to overcome anything to get back to you.”
Tatum sniffled and looked at me. She wiped her little hands over my cheeks. “Don’t you start cryin’ too, Daddy. Me and Mommy will take care of each other ‘till you get home.”
“That’s my girl.” I kissed her cheek, then handed her over to Blyss. “I need a little bathroom break. You two know how to work a man over, I tell you what.”
Pulling myself together had never been so hard to do, but I did it. That night at dinner we told our baby news. We let that settle before I told everyone about having to leave for a few days for work. That ended the meal on a somber note. Blyss and I pulled my parents to the side to let them know about our real marriage, which would come as soon as I got back. They were ecstatic about it, but my leaving put a damper on what would’ve been a more joyous occasion.
Mom kissed me. “I love you, son. Your life is moving fast. I’m happy for you. And we’ll watch over those you love; you can count on us.”
She knew I needed to hear that. I couldn’t ask her for more. She just knew. I couldn’t take another round of crying. “Thank you, Mom. I’ll be back before you know it.”
“You better,” she told me, then let me go and went up the stairs.
I knew she was holding back tears until she got out of sight. She always managed to do that for me. She was one tough woman.
Dad hugged me and patted me on the back. “I hope we get a grandson, don’t you?”
“A boy would be nice.” I clapped him on the back, too, then we stepped back.
“You know your mother and I have your back. You come on back to us, boy. I’ll hold the fort down until you do.” He ended things with a salute and I felt that lump forming in my throat again as I saluted him right back.
“Thanks, Dad.”
He left us alone, then. Blyss stepped up behind me, running her arms around me and laying her head on my back. “Man, what a fucking cry-fest.”
“I know.” I turned to gather her up in my arms. “I wish there was time for a little romp in the sheets, but there’s not.”
“You sure?” she asked. “Not even a quickie?”
With a moan, I answered, “With you, I can’t do a quickie. If I started that, I’d be court-martialed for not showing up to my post. You understand, don’t you?”
She held me tighter than ever before. “No, I don’t. I don’t understand why someone signs up for something that will take them away from the people who love them. I don’t understand why a person who has a family can be sent on missions where they might be killed.”
“Hush.” I kissed the top of her head. “We never say that word when we’re about to leave. Not ever. I’ll always be yours, Blyss. Always. Now walk me to the Jeep and kiss your man goodbye. When I come back, you’d better be ready to head out and become my wife. I’m not going to let you back out of that.”
Pulling her to one side, I wrapped my arm around her and headed to the garage. I’d said my goodbyes to Tatum and sent her with her grandparents to eat dessert, so I didn’t upset her any more than I already had. After the longest goodbye kiss on record, I started my Jeep and drove away. Blyss waved at me until I couldn’t see her anymore. I felt sick about leaving them.
Somehow, I had to figure out how to shake off all the emotions. I had to clear my head. Things were about to get real. I couldn’t carry the heavy load that was my love for them around while I took care of whatever we had to do.
All the way to the base, I tried to accomplish that one goal, but failed miserably.
Blyss
My life had gone from something that affected literally no one, to affecting many. Troy tried hard to be the soldier he’d been when we first met, but I knew he wasn’t that man anymore. I knew he carried the same weight I did in my heart and soul with the love we’d found for each other, Tatum, and the baby that was in my tummy.
I had to give it to the man—he held a stiff upper lip when he drove away. But I doubted it stayed that way for long. He went off on that mission for the very first time with a couple of kids and a woman he loved, waiting for his safe return. It was an unbearable weight, I was sure.
After reading Tatum books until she fell asleep, I found myself wrapped around her little body, snuggling her. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I left her side. I didn’t want her to get used to sleeping with me. It wouldn’t be right to give her that feeling, then dump her like a hot potato when her daddy got back home.
When I climbed under the blankets of the bed I shared with Troy, it hit me again that he was on a dangerous mission. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I thought about where he was. I thought about the way he’d looked when I’d first set eyes on him. How handsome he’d looked in that tuxedo. Then I wailed. Like a forlorn lover who’d lost her man, I cried and begged God to bring him back to me, as safely and quickly as possible.
If I lost him …
Even in my personal thoughts, I couldn’t finish that sentence. It was too horrible to think about.
I’m not sure when I fell asleep that night. It was the first night I’d been without him in a couple of months. My dreams were bothersome; they didn’t let me rest well. When I woke up with the sunlight streaming in through the window, I found I was wrapped in the sheets, tangled so badly it was hell getting out of them.
I was up an hour ahead of schedule, so I took a shower. My head was aching and nothing was relieving the pain. Tatum and I were quiet as I took her to school. She asked about her daddy when I took her into her classroom. I promised if I heard anything at all, I’d tell her as soon as I picked her up.
Tatum was such a good girl. She patted my tummy, then kissed my cheek. “He’ll be back soon. Don’t worry.”
Patting her on top of her head, I said, “Hey, that’s my line.” I smiled at her, kissed her cheek, and left her at school.
The day crawled by, as did the next one, and the one after that. Three nights had passed without a word sent back to us. No one said a thing. We all hoped he’d show up soon. Any minute, he could walk through that door. But he didn’t. Two more days passed, then his father decided he’d make a phone call. We didn’t get any information other than that we’d be informed if anything happened to our soldier.
That alone gave me hope that Troy was alive.
I’d never given a second thought to those people who had loved ones in the military. I never knew there were constant worry and anguish that plagued them. I never knew how they were walking around in a daze, taking care of the things they had to. They were waiting to find out if the person they’d built a life around would come back to them or not.
I was luckier than most. I lived in a home that was cleaned by maids, ate food that was
cooked by chefs, a had a yard that was taken care of by a lawn crew. All I had to do was take our little girl back and forth to school. I was supposed to be doing my online classes, but I’d decided to put them on hold until Troy got back. I couldn’t concentrate, after all. No need to rack up bad grades.
When two weeks came and went, so did all hope of him coming back. But I had his baby in my womb and his daughter clinging to me. I had to stay as strong as I could for them. On day seventeen, a phone call came in. Troy was officially declared missing in action. He was somewhere in Afghanistan. His captain hoped he was being held prisoner, but wasn’t sure about that.
I didn’t know what the hell to hope for. I didn’t want him to be tortured. How could I pray that he was merely the prisoner of a bunch of cut-throat barbarians? Would he be better off dead than being beaten nearly to death or otherwise tortured mercilessly? Would I ever get over his death, if he was dead?
I didn’t think so. I didn’t know what I should do. So I went to bed and didn’t get up for a few days. I became vacant—a shell of a person. I wasn’t me without him. I couldn’t be. He’d brought me to a world full of love and happiness, then left me there all alone in it. It was a place I’d managed to avoid for twenty-two years.
How could he!
Troy
A storm raged as the ship rocked. Some of the newbies were losing their shit as those of us who’d been through rough patches before held on, knowing it would be over soon. Everything ends at some time or another.
The mission itself would be a fairly straightforward one. Go in, take out three bad guys, and get back to the ship. Easy enough, until you added in the storm and the fact that the intel was inaccurate, putting my team right into enemy’s hands. It’s not often you find driving rains when you get to a foreign desert. But that’s what we found. The chopper that took us in left us far enough away. We only had to make it three clicks to get to our target.
Fate was against us when we were almost there. The night skies opened up, and a deluge saturated us, cloaking us and our enemy, who was well aware of our whereabouts, it seemed.
They found the rainfall to be working for them and attacked us, taking us down one by one, until all six of us had been captured. Buried in something that seemed a hell of a lot like a mineshaft, we were imprisoned in the cages they had made. Kept apart from one another, the other SEALs and I had no way to form an escape plan. A diet of bugs and filthy water did little to keep up our strength. It was enough to keep us alive, but nothing more than that.
Not very long after we were captured, one of the men in our group, who wasn’t feeling well when we’d started the mission, was dragged through the dark chamber that ran in front of our cells. I shouted at him, but he didn’t respond. The asshole escorting the men who were moving him spat at me, then said in broken English, “Useless, pigs. Oink!”
It was my guess, then, that we were supposed to be kept alive. Maybe we were being traded for some of their soldiers who had been captured. It gave me hope that I’d see Blyss and Tatum again.
I couldn’t lose hope, no matter what!
Time isn’t something one can keep when locked away in the dark where you can’t hear anything that’s going on outside. I had no idea how much time had passed. It felt like an eternity, though. The best way to tell that not much time had passed was the length of my hair and the growth of my beard. I’d been clean-shaven and my hair had been cut in the typical military style right before we left. My hair was still short and my beard wasn’t too shaggy yet. With those clues, I thought it had been a few weeks since I’d left home.
As I sat on the ground in my cell in the dim light, I found a crack in the cement. It was near the back wall I was glad my fingernails had grown and began to dig at the crack. Over time, I made a hole in the floor. I found dirt there, and then I dug. I took my shirt off to cover the hole as I was working on it. There was no cell next to me—only open ground. I could dig myself out, save the other men, and get home to my family.
With that in my head, I forged on. Blyss had to be staying strong for Tatum and our unborn child. That’s what I prayed for the most. I knew Mom and Dad would help her, but I was worried about her. Blyss was still fragile. She’d pulled it all together for Tatum, but how long would that last with me gone and her heart broken?
If I allowed myself to give up and perish in the dungeon, I’d have only hurt Blyss exactly the way she had always feared I would—leaving her alone. On top of that, with my children to care for, it was worse than anything she ever thought of.
I couldn’t do that to her. She needed me, and so did my kids.
So, I dug and dug until I couldn’t anymore.
After much digging—it seemed days had to have passed—I made it to the other side. The time was near. My pulse increased, as I knew once I reached the outside, I had a shitload of things I had to do. Getting my team out was the number one priority. And there would be men to fight before I was able to do that.
My inner thoughts were interrupted when a commotion began and three men came down the corridor. One pointed at me, and I shook my head. “Take one of the others.”
I knew they were coming to get a bargaining tool. One of my team to put on television to show they had a live person to trade. I didn’t want to be that tool for them. I had other plans. And if they let me out, they’d make me put my shirt on and find the hole I’d made. I’d be good as dead.
I had to think of a way to get them to leave me right where I was. Nothing was coming to mind as they tried key after key to unlock my door. My plan was about to be blown to pieces, as was my body, no doubt!
It was over for me. I knew it was. If I couldn’t take all three of them—men with guns—then I’d be killed. I had one thought on my mind.
Why did I dig that fucking hole?
Blyss
I could’ve stayed in that bed forever if I had been alone. But I wasn’t. I was both thankful for that and annoyed by it. Why couldn’t I be left there to die and join Troy on the other side? Hope was gone for me. I was sure he was dead. I was sure I was left behind. Left with his bun in my oven and his little girl, who had a dead mother and probably a dead father too.
It was her sweet voice that called out to me after I’d spent too much time wallowing in my sorrows. “Mommy, you’re scaring me. Can’t you please get up?”
Could I get up? Could I face the world without Troy?
He was the first person I’d ever loved. Then Tatum came along, and I found I loved her too. I even loved the little baby in my stomach. I loved Troy’s parents and Tatum’s grandparents. How had that all happened in such a short amount of time? I rolled over and saw Tatum’s little face so full of worry. It tugged at my heart strings and had me sitting up. I held out my arms and she came running to me.
Picking her up, I cradled her and rocked us both, trying desperately to comfort both of us. “I didn’t mean to scare you, honey. I’m not used to thinking about other people. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I forgive you, Mommy.” She buried her face in my neck, and I felt warm tears.
“You don’t have to cry. I’m going to get up and be what I’m supposed to be. Your mommy. I got lost in self-pity for a little while. Boy, your daddy would be telling me some things right now if he was here, wouldn’t he?” I laughed to stop myself from crying.
If he were there, he wouldn’t be saying a thing. My mouth would be all over his. Troy’s mother had come in each of those three days I’d hid from the world, leaving me soup and water, and making sure I at least ate a little and drank a little. But she couldn’t pull me out of my pit of despair. Only little Tatum could do that.
She’d become mine. In a small amount of time, I saw her as mine. I was her mother and I had to get my ass out of that bed and be that for her. Especially if Troy was never coming back. I had to be mother and father to her, and I would damn well do it.
Come hell or high water, I’d take care of Troy’s kids!
I looked at my cell
and saw it was nine in the morning. As far as I could recall, it was Saturday. “Wanna go to the zoo?”
She nodded, enthusiastically. “Can we?”
“Yes. I’m going to shower and get ready. Can you go see if any of your grandparents want to come too?”
She hopped off the bed, wiped her eyes, and ran out of the bedroom, shouting out that we were all going to the zoo. When I got out of bed, I found my legs were weak and vowed that wouldn’t happen again. Troy was always calling me fragile, and there I was, proving him right. What was wrong with me? After a long shower, I put on shorts, running shoes, and a T-shirt. My hair was in a high ponytail, sunscreen was on, and I was ready to get out of my own head for a while.
The first thing I did when I got downstairs was hug Troy’s mother and father. “Sorry for being so depressed. I have loads of excuses, but none of them matter. What matters is that I’m a mom. Thanks for taking up my slack. I got it from here.”
His dad gave me a pat on the back and a wink that told me he was happy with me. His mom smiled at me with a twinkle in her eye. And we all were on the same page—keep up Tatum’s spirits and keep the baby inside of me healthy. They might be all we would had left of a very wonderful man, so they needed to be taken care of.
Everyone went that day. Troy’s father drove us all to a drive-through safari park and we had a day we’d never forget. The sadness and worry about Troy never left me, but I was able to put it in a place where I could visit it when no one else was around. Tatum needed me and soon so would the baby I carried.
That night, when we got back, the cook was watching the television in the kitchen when we came in from the garage. She spun around to look at us, then went to grab the remote to shut it off.
I grabbed her arm before she could do a thing. “Wait!”
For Love & Torture_A Submissives’ Secrets Novel Page 63
