by T. K. Chapin
An hour or so later, I was silently rooting on the chef that was cooking a delightful looking hollandaise sauce for eggs benedict when suddenly a knock came from the front door, startling me and causing my whole popcorn bowl to go flying. Turning the TV down, I got up and went to go see who it was.
Opening the door, it was Joshua. “Nick around?”
I stepped back and answered him as he walked in. “He’s gone… he’s out with Sally tonight. What’s up?”
“Oh… That’s strange; he usually lets me know his plans with Sally…” Joshua replied. “Oh well…”
“Yeah… Sorry dude.”
“That’s okay, have a good night Claire.” He began heading for the door, but I felt drawn towards him. As he opened the door, I put my hand up on it, stopping him from opening it.
“Stay…” I said softly.
Turning back to me he said, “Really? You’re not busy?” He glanced into the living room to see the pile of popcorn on the floor and my cooking channel on. “Looks like quite the party.” He laughed.
“Ha, hardly. Just watching TV…” He followed me into the living room, shutting the door behind him.
“You’re coming back to work tomorrow, right?” He asked as he sat down on the couch with me.
“Yeah, I just had a doctor’s appointment today.”
“Everything okay?”
“Depends who you ask,” I accidentally let slip out.
“What does that mean?”
Why is it I felt like telling him everything? Ugh. I don’t need his judgment. I already had my friend freak out. “I mean it was good. Really good…”
“Okay.” He didn’t seem to believe it, but didn’t try to fish for more information. “How’s Todd doing?”
I laughed. “You ask a lot about him.”
He smiled. “I just care.”
That’s sweet I thought as a smile crossed my face. “Well, he seems to be happier. His grades were slipping a little, but he’s been bringing them back up.”
“That’s great. Hopefully he keeps doing better.”
I just felt nervous about being pregnant and not telling him. Part of me felt like I could reveal the truth to him and maybe even confide in him But I wasn’t sure if I could trust him. I didn’t have a reason not to trust him, but he did tell me about Kelsey and how she went back to her ex that beat her… Maybe he wasn’t good with secrets? I wasn’t sure. Suddenly my phone buzzed again. It was tucked in a cushion under Joshua.
He pulled it out and handed it over to me. Looking at the screen, I saw Nicole’s text right in plain sight.
Please call!!!
Sighing, I glanced over at Joshua. “Is it bad if you don’t talk to your best friend because you…”
Raising his hands in surrender, Joshua said, “I don’t know…” Relaxing his shoulders and posture he continued, “But… If you are upset in a single moment, I wouldn’t let that emotion rule the rest of your life with a person.”
“Insightful… I guess.” Glancing at my message from Nicole, I debated on calling her.
He laughed. “Just talk to your friend Claire…”
“Okay, I will…” Glancing over at the TV, I saw the judges were about to do the final scoring. “Let me know what they decide,” I said as I exited out onto the porch.
“Claire…?” Nicole’s voice broke as she answered the phone.
“What do you want Nicole…”
“Why are you keeping the baby? I didn’t even ask.” I could hear her sniffling on the other end.
“Seriously? You are asking me why I’m keeping my daughter?”
“Yeah…”
“I’m not going to kill a hum-”
Nicole interrupted me as she began sobbing.
“What is it Nicole?” I asked.
“I can’t believe I’m telling you… I haven’t told anyone, ever. But a few years back, do you remember that big birthday party for Mikey, the one he had at his parent’s house?”
“Vaguely… I didn’t get to go, right?”
“Right. Well, that night… I got roofied and ended up pregnant by some dude. It wasn’t consensual to say the least.”
“Nicole, I had no idea… why didn’t you ever tell me?”
She erupted in tears, “I just wanted to forget that whole thing… It would have ruined my life.”
“I’m so sorry…” I replied.
She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “Claire… What I’m trying to say is I don’t think I can be your friend if you’re going to keep the baby.”
“Why? Because of something terrible that happened to you?”
She paused to sniffle more. “It just hurts and I’ll be reminded of what I did every time I see you and the baby. I can’t take that.”
“Really?” I asked as tears formed in my eyes.
“I’m sorry…”
Click. She hung up the phone.
That was it… my friend, scratch that – my best friend was gone from my life. In a way, I understood. If I were to lose the baby inside of me that I’ve known about for less than twelve hours… It’d kill me; I wouldn’t want any reminders either. Taking a human life was never okay, and I didn’t condone Nicole’s choice, but I knew it’d be tough. Sitting down in the rocking chair out on the porch, I began crying. The cool air of the spring evening didn’t faze me. In fact, it was a welcomed friend to help cool me off.
Pushing the screen door open slightly with his fingers, Joshua peeked out and glanced at me as I dug my forehead into my palms. I was hunched over and sobbing.
“Hey… The chef in the white won.” He said delicately as he came out. Looking up at him, my crying slowed as I tried to squeeze a smile out.
“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head.
He put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be sorry Claire. It’s okay to be upset, I’m sure the other chef will be okay.”
I let out a short laugh and shook my head, “You don’t even understand what this day has been like. Nobody does.”
“Well… why don’t you tell me?” Joshua replied, taking a seat on the bench next to me. Looking again at his face, I searched his eyes.
“Can you keep something to yourself?” I asked softly, wiping the tears from my eyes.
“Absolutely, what’s going on?”
Searching his face once more, I decided to tell him. “I’m pregnant.”
He didn’t get up and walk away, so that was a good start. Following his eyes, I saw him look out beyond the porch and into the woods. He appeared to be in thought for a moment before his eyes narrowed. Looking over at me, he said, “You’ve been dating since Matt?” His voice sounded weighted.
“No…” I said, grabbing his arm. Bringing my head up to look at him, our eyes met. Shaking my head as more tears came streaming out, I continued, “The baby is Matt’s.”
“How’s that even possible?” He asked, standing up. “He’s been in jail for months!”
“It was before he went in…”
Joshua sat back down and began to rub his temples and looked as if a weight had fallen on his back, he seemed stressed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing,” He replied shaking his head as he stood up again. “So you’re pregnant… How far along are you?”
“Five months…”
He looked at my belly.
“I know… I looked it up online; the baby is mostly towards the back… it makes the bump smaller.” I paused for a moment. “You can’t tell Nick or anyone…”
“I’m pretty sure they’ll figure it out.”
“I know… I just need to figure out the right way of saying it.” I cupped my forehead into my hands again. What am I going to do?
Joshua stepped closer to me and grabbed softly on my arms pulling me up to my feet. “We can tell them together… I’ve known the Vander’s for a long time.”
Shaking my head as I kept my eyes on his, I said, “I don’t want them thinking it’s your baby or we’re toge
ther.”
“Okay,” He replied, nodding. Joshua’s serious face morphed into a grin as he made eye contact with me, “You’re going to be a Mom.”
Why’s he not upset? How come he isn’t lecturing me about this? He’s a Christian… isn’t it wrong to be pregnant? To have sex? Such a confusing belief system at times. I was relieved though. “I still can’t believe it… just sounds weird, ya know?”
“It’s crazy,” He replied. “You’ll get it all figured out I’m sure. You seem like the type of person that does.”
A shiver from the brisk air outside crept up my sleeve causing Joshua to take off his coat and offer it to me. I accepted the offer gladly and we sat down on the bench to enjoy the evening. I told him all about the doctor’s visit and showed him the ultrasound pictures, he was so happy for me and my baby girl, it made me glad. If he could be happy for me, maybe others could be too. It made my future seem a lot less bleak after spending the night with him talking about it all.
CHAPTER 18
The next day, I came into work to find a package of bagels and a sticky note attached. I glanced around the room suspiciously as I approached with caution. What is this about? I wondered pulling up the sticky note. It read: Eating for two now… be sure to eat lots! –Joshua. Smiling, I looked over to his seat a few cubicles down. He wasn’t there, but I couldn’t help but keep the smile on my face as I sat down to work. It was a sweet gesture but I hoped nobody had found the note before I did.
On his way to his desk, he stopped by my cubicle. I felt welcome tingles run through me at his touch and I peered up at his gorgeous brown eyes.
“You’re lucky nobody saw your note,” I said.
“I just barely put it there… but I’m glad too. I was thinking-”
Michelle interrupted, “About doing your job hopefully!” He waved apologetically and ducked down a little closer to me to talk. He was merely inches from me and I could feel our energies clicking.
“I was thinking… if you want, you should come to church this Sunday.”
As I was just about to say no, I remembered my baby girl. I do want a good life for her, and the Vander’s go every Sunday. Maybe church might not be so bad. “Okay, I’ll try it.”
Joshua let out a loud cheer and did a twirl. It was a bit extreme for agreeing to a single church service, but I couldn’t help but laugh at him. Everyone in the call center looked over at us to see what all the commotion was. Joshua’s face turned red in embarrassment.
“I’m serious Joshua! Get your butt back in your seat!” Michelle snapped at him.
“Sorry …” he replied. Turning back to me for a moment he smiled. “I’m sure you’ll like it.” He darted back towards his desk and quickly got into his computer and into the queue. Judging by the look on Michelle’s face, I thought he was going to get fired.
At lunch time, Joshua joined me in the break room at my table. Dropping his paper lunch bag on my table, he pulled out a seat and let out a heavy sigh as he sat. “The queue is killer today,” he said as he pulled out his sandwich.
“Yeah, that outage down in Texas was pretty massive,” I replied.
“I know… I feel like a robot saying the same thing over and over… I wish they would put up a stupid front end message.”
“They did already!” I laughed. “People just ignore it and connect into the queue regardless. A message telling them what’s going on in their area is of no interest.” I laughed.
Nicole came walking into the break room. She didn’t even make eye contact with me when I looked over at her. “Hey,” I said as she retrieved something from the fridge. She ignored me entirely and kept her pace on the way out. Shaking a little as if a cool breeze blew through the room, I said, “she’s ice cold…”
“That’s too bad,” Joshua glanced at Nicole on her way out. Trying to steer the conversation elsewhere, Joshua said, “It was nice they elected Thursday’s to be full days for work now that the school year is winding down.”
Nodding, I replied, “Gives you a bigger check.”
“And a bigger headache from working so much,” he laughed.
Before I took a bite out of my bagel, I said, “I forgot to thank you for these.”
“You’re welcome.”
Joshua was the only person in the world that knew my secret. Well, second, but he was the only one that was supporting me thus far. He felt like a safety net, a rock I could lean on. He was there for me in a crucial moment last night, the fact he supported me and my girl, and even thought about feeding us this morning meant so much. Smiling at him I couldn’t help but picture a man like him as a father to my daughter, but with that thought came fear. How could I trust him? I knew Joshua was no Matt, but that didn’t mean he was incapable of hurting me.
While my bagel was delicious going down, it wasn’t so sweet coming back up in the women’s bathroom stall towards the end of my lunch break. As I hung my head in the toilet I was in disbelief. I’ve been pregnant for five months and not once did I vomit… now that I find out, I start? Suddenly a knock came from the stall.
“You okay?” It was Kelsey on the other side.
“I’m fine…” I replied harshly. Immediately I felt bad. “Sorry… I’m just not feeling so well.”
“I’m sorry…” Her words trailed off, but I could tell she was leading into something. “I overheard you and Joshua.”
What? Kelsey knew? Dang it! Wiping my face of the splash with toilet paper, I said, “Umm….”
“About church.”
Oh, thank goodness, she didn’t know. I breathed a sigh of relief, but my nausea kept me from responding.
“I was wondering maybe you want to tag along with me to Healed and Set Free tonight?” She paused for a moment, waiting for a response, but I was a little more than preoccupied trying to clean up. “It is on Friday’s usually… but they moved it to Thursday because Sharon, the leader, is going to be out of town tomorrow.”
Finally getting the mess cleaned up from my shirt and face, I stood up from the floor. “Kels…”
“Unless you’re too sick… I’d hate to ask you to come if you are under the weather.”
Here was my chance to get out of the group, but a part of me really wanted to go. The thought of being able to let go of the past and embrace the future sounded so good. My baby and I needed a future. “I think my tummy is just upset. Nothing serious... I want to go.”
“Great! I’ll text you directions.” She began jumping up and down right outside of the stall. It was a bit extreme, but she had been asking me to go for a while now so I guess the excitement of the moment overtook her.
Feeling like I wasn’t going to yak again I came out of the stall to be wrapped in a hug from Kelsey. “You just got vomit all over your shirt…” I said, releasing from the hug.
“Sorry, I’m just so happy!” she said, wiping a tear from her eye.
“Seriously? You’re crying?” I couldn’t help but let out a little laugh.
“I’m just so happy you’re finally coming.”
Heading back out to the floor to push myself through the rest of my shift, I was glad about making the decision to go. My baby girl’s future was more important than anything else in the world, and giving the group a chance was exactly what I needed to do.
Arriving at the Bible study a few minutes late, I drew the attention of all the ladies sitting in the living room at Sharon’s house. Some were on the couch, some in folding chairs and others were sitting on the floor. But one thing was apparent; Kelsey and I were the youngest ones there.
The woman who met me at the door was probably one of the oldest ladies there, if I had to guess, around seventy or so. She was a little shorter than me, but she had one of the kindest smiles I had ever seen. Her hair was short and thin, but she made me feel welcomed. “I’m Sharon,” she said, smiling as she took one of my hands in both of hers. My nerves were instantly calmed as she brought me into the circle of women in her living room. One lady hopped off the couch and took a sea
t next to one of the other women on the floor.
“That’s okay, you can sit there,” I said.
“No, I insist,” the woman said from the floor. Every woman there was smiling and seemed happy. It felt strange for a group of broken women to act so joyful. I hadn’t ever been to a Bible study or anything like it before, so I wasn’t sure if it was just the way it was or what the deal was. Taking a seat on the couch, the lady next to me whispered in my ear.
“Welcome…” She patted my leg.
“Thank you.”
Sharon ventured back over to her own folding chair and picked up her study guide and the Bible from beside her. “Go ahead and introduce yourself to the group darling.”
Smiling around the room, I said, “I’m Claire… Kelsey invited me to come here.”
“Welcome Claire,” Sharon replied. And all the others followed suit welcoming me. I felt at peace with these women almost instantly. They just all made me feel comfortable. “Today we are going to watch an inspirational story from someone who went through the Healed and Set Free class.”
Sharon dimmed the lights and turned the television on behind her and moved her chair out of the way. A woman came up on the screen. She was pretty and had curly brunette hair, she began talking about an abusive relationship that she tried to forget and move on from. She explained how the lingering pains of her past were ruining her life. I began to feel uncomfortable in my seat as she began to talk about facing her Creator and how God was able to show her who He was. The woman went on about how God set her free from her past hurts and she quoted verses from the Bible. As the lights came back on, I eyeballed the door I came in from. I wanted out; I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wasn’t ready to face God.
Then the lady next to me showed me the chapter the group was on. It was entitled: Getting Real with God, the first chapter of the book. I felt suddenly overwhelmed; I wasn’t looking to convert into Christianity. I was just looking for some support.
