by T. K. Chapin
He didn’t know I was pregnant. Maybe Joshua was telling the truth and he didn’t say anything. Doing a couple takes at Nick to search his face for him lying, I couldn’t detect any untruth. “Um… first off rude! Never call anyone out on gaining weight dude! Geez! Second off, you really think I’m just gaining weight because I’m sad?”
Nick went beet red. “Sorry. And yeah… what else would it be?”
“I’m pregnant, Nick. Joshua didn’t tell you?”
“No…” He looked out the window as he looked to be upset by the news.
“Oh.”
Running his fingers through his hair, Nick asked, “How long have you been pregnant? Who’s the Dad?”
“Just over five months, Matt unfortunately.”
Rubbing his face, he shook his head before looking over at me, “Matt?”
“I know…”
“Why’d you leave? Jennie could’ve helped you with the pregnancy and everything.”
“I don’t think they’d be very happy to learn of my little girl.”
“You’re having a girl?” Nick replied.
“Yep.”
“Can you feel her kick?”
“Not yet… it can happen as late as twenty five weeks. Still waiting on that.”
“I see… You should really tell Jennie and Dale.”
“They’ll be upset.”
“Babies out of marriage are not good, just like sex… but life is to be celebrated nonetheless. They won’t be mad at you Claire.”
“Well… I was going to move out anyways. I’m not ready to face them and I really don’t want their help on this right now. I need to be able to stand up on my own two feet… I need to prove it to myself and my baby.”
“Okay,” Nick replied. “What else is new?” He asked, trying to shift the subject.
“I got mugged…”
“What? When?!” His eyes were wide. “What the heck is your deal Claire?”
“Earlier today… I don’t know.”
“Are you okay?” He asked, searching my arms and face for marks.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just trying to move past it. It seems like things keep happening to me and the more I think forward instead of dwelling, the better I feel.”
Shaking his head, he replied, “You’re just tucking all that pain away and ignoring it. Just because you sweep it under the couch doesn’t mean your floor is clean.”
“Well, it’s what is working for me, okay?”
“Got it,” he said quickly.
Arriving at the car lot, Nick and I exchanged goodbyes. I asked him to keep it quiet on the pregnancy and to have Todd call me whenever he gets a moment. He agreed willingly and was off down the road. Walking up to the dealership I couldn’t help but think about Joshua. Did he really keep it quiet? I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to be with him. I needed to focus on my girl. And I already pulled the trigger on moving out of my aunt and uncle’s house, I couldn’t go back to them. Not now, not ever.
CHAPTER 22
That evening I had to go and help for the first time at the soup kitchen. I wasn’t exactly glad to be going, but I knew I needed to do it in order to keep in the good graces of those who ran the homeless shelter. And keeping them happy meant I was able to keep the roof over my head until I got situated to leave.
The soup kitchen was only a few blocks up the road from where I was staying, so I decided to walk. I headed out the door a little early at about four thirty to give myself plenty of time to make it by five. As I locked my door, I saw Sophia was sitting outside in a chair just outside her door. She was shaking her leg in a rapid motion as she glanced over at me.
“Heading out?” she asked.
“Yeah… going to the soup kitchen.”
“Ahh…” She took a puff from her cigarette and blew it off to the side. “They have some pretty delicious chicken salad on Thursdays.”
I nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Suddenly Sophia burst into tears. “What’s wrong?” I asked, coming over to her.
“Nothing…” she sniffled. “Life is… just hard sometimes.” She hesitated for a moment before looking me over as if she was trying to see if she could continue. “My mother just informed me that my son, Kole, got caught smoking pot in the bathroom at school.”
“Oh wow…” I replied, eyes wide. “Wait, why isn’t he with you?”
“I was in the slammer for a bit… I’m working on getting him back.”
“So you had to get on the waiting list to get in here?”
“Yep. I was on it for five months.”
“I see… How old is your son?”
“Freaking thirteen years old,” she replied, shaking her head. “She said they found weed and pills on him.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, coming up to her side.
Shaking her head, she looked up at me. “Thirteen…” She paused. “I don’t want this life for my kids…” Her eyes looked around the broken down hotel.
I put my hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure it’ll all work out.”
“How?” She snapped at me as she stood up. “My father, before he died a few years ago told me that exactly line… and look at me, I’m still here… broken and struggling.”
My time to make it to the soup kitchen was dwindling quickly. “You just got to keep chugging along. I hate to break it short, but I really got to get going.”
“That’s fine,” she replied wiping her eyes. “Thanks anyways…”
I felt like I needed to say something more to her, I didn’t want to just leave her hanging like that. “What are you doing tomorrow? We should do something; it would be nice to have a friend here.”
“Okay,” she replied with a smile. “I’d like that… a lot of the people here are drugged out losers… it’s hard to find a decent conversation.”
“Really?” I asked. “How could they be on drugs and live here?”
“They just don’t do it in front of the people who run the shelter… so it goes undetected.”
Glancing across the units in the shelter, I shook my head. “How could people just take advantage like that? Seems so wrong…” Feeling inclined to hug her, I did. The smell of cigarettes and booze filled my nose as I gave her a hug. Parting ways, I felt like I made a friendship with her.
As I walked down the street that night, I thought about Sophia. She had been at the shelter for years? I shook my head. There’s no way I could do that. While I didn’t know her situation exactly, I knew that I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. There’s no way I could do that to my baby girl. She needs a stable and healthy environment to grow up in if she’s going to get a real shot in this world.
Arriving at the soup kitchen, I felt uncomfortable by the smells and dirtiness of the building. As I came in through the beaten doors of the gymnasium-like building, I saw lunch tables much like the ones at my old high school. Rows of people sitting at every one of them. And then there were some tables along the sides, also filled. It was so packed out that there were people standing up against the walls with their food trays. I had no idea there were so many hungry people in the city.
“Are you Claire?” a woman asked, approaching me.
“Yes.”
“Good… We are getting slammed tonight. The other kitchen over on Division burnt up from some faulty wiring last night and we got a huge influx of people as a result. Follow me.”
“Oh jeez… that’s terrible.”
She led me through the crowd and into the back. Handing me a hair net, she spoke as she brought me into the area where people were preparing meals. “These are the volunteers that are cooking and preparing all the meals, I’ll have you dishing people up front, but I just want you to meet them. They are the backbone of this whole thing.”
They looked up and waved. One woman stepped forward and took off her glove to shake my hand. She looked older, like around my mom’s age and she had a warm smile. “I’m Bonnie; it’s nice to meet you.”
“Claire,” I replied sh
aking her hand.
“We’re happy to have you here Claire… There are so many people that need help… it’s a blessing to have a new person on board.”
They must have not been aware of my requirement to come down and help out, but I wasn’t going to be the one to tell them. I smiled and followed the other woman as she headed up towards the front where the food line was.
“You’ll be serving the drinks. It’s the easiest one to do and you don’t have to worry about the picky eaters. They either get milk or water.”
“Okay… sounds simple enough.”
And just like that, she was gone. I had no idea her name or much of what I was supposed to do. My nerves were rattled as I looked down the line now stretched out the double doors I had entered.
“Watch out of the ones who try to get both, they try it with the new people. But most won’t talk, so just try to hold both options out and they’ll grab one,” the girl said next to me. She was younger than me and had her hair up in a ponytail. She was serving bowls of chili out of a giant pot.
“Thanks,” I replied.
Most of the people weren’t speaking to me as they walked through the line. The gal next to me was right about that. I was surprised of the varying types of people that were there that night. It wasn’t just a bunch of drunken bums like I kind of expected. There were both young and old and even children in the mix. It broke my heart when one little boy came through.
“Could I please have milk Miss?” He asked. He couldn’t have been more than ten years of age and had a bit of a British accent. His hair was red and curly and freckles ran across the bridge of his nose.
“Yes,” I replied smiling warmly.
“Thank you. I haven’t seen you before, do you volunteer here often?” He asked.
“Today is my first day…”
He nodded. Noticing the line build up behind him, he inched his way further down the line and said, “Well, thank you.”
Smiling, I nodded to him and he continued off to one of the tables just barely cleared, and had a seat by himself. Leaning over to the gal next to me, I asked, “That boy was so sweet.”
“That’s Pete. He’s from the orphanage… he’s one of the sweetest kids that come in here.”
Watching him as I continued to serve the people in line, I saw him turn and look at a family that had a child freaking out at their table. The little girl had eaten her food but seemed to be still hungry, when the mother told her that was all she could have; Pete took over his bowl of chili and gave it to her. I melted at his generosity for the girl. That was so sweet.
He returned to his seat and ate his fruit and salad that was still on his tray. Wow, what an amazing and selfless act, I thought to myself as I grabbed another milk from the crate that sat on the table.
After we served everybody, we began clean-up. After that, they gave us the option to take some food for ourselves and I took a big bowl of chili. It was a generous helping and I wanted to give it to that little boy. Coming over to his table, I sat down and gave it to him. His eyes widened as he looked at me. “Really?” He asked.
“Yeah, go ahead.”
“Thank you so much!” he replied, diving into the bowl. Judging by how quickly he ate it, he was quite hungry.
“Why’d you give your food away to that girl?” I asked.
He paused for a moment and looked over at the family. “She was hungry. And I’d be fine with less… I always try to help people whenever I can.”
“But what about yourself?”
Wiping his mouth with his napkin, he set it down and retrieved a little black book from his pocket. Setting it down on the table, he said, “I am blessed with plenty. Sure, I might be a little hungry at the end of the day, but this little book is my salvation and the only food I truly need.”
Reaching for it, I looked at him for approval to take a look inside. He nodded. When I opened it, I found out it was a Bible. Looking back at him with my eyes wide, I asked, “What in the Bible tells you to starve yourself?”
Shaking his head, he said, “It doesn’t say to starve… Just says to put others first and take care of them. And God provides the food and water we really need.”
“But why would you follow it so strictly? You’re only ten years old!”
“Jesus saved my life.” He said it with such confidence, I was impressed.
“What do you mean?” I leaned in closer, intrigued by the little boy’s sincerity and faith.
“When I got to the orphanage a few years back I was distraught. One of the ladies who worked there taught me about Jesus and the Bible. I was a very destructive and angry young boy and she loved me through the pain I caused all the other kids around me. You see, Miss, I ended up in an orphanage because nobody wanted me. And she showed me how much God wanted me. And she showed me God’s love. And then one day, I made a decision to make Jesus, my savior and always serve others like she did for me. She eventually left the orphanage, but she gave me this little Bible as a gift and said to meditate on the scriptures daily.”
This little boy seemed wise beyond his years. His story was touching and was nothing I had ever heard before in my life. Lifting my head up, I looked around the room and saw people eating, talking and laughing with one another. These people seemed so alive and connected with each other.
Bonnie, the volunteer from the kitchen I met earlier, came out to the eating area and knelt down next to an elderly man that was eating. He grasped onto her hand with both of his and smiled at her. Noticing the top hat beside the man’s chair, I realized he was the man I saw at the park everyday back at Matt’s place. Wow, he eats here? I thought. Watching, I saw them talk and they seemed to be the best of friends. But I realized she was just that way with everyone as she went to another table and greeted another person with the same warmth.
Turning my attention back to Pete, he was gone. Glancing back around, he was nowhere in sight. “Where did he go?” I asked out loud to myself.
“He’s gone. He doesn’t hang out here for very long after the meal,” the gal that worked next to me in the line said coming up behind me. “I’m Debbie by the way; sorry I didn’t introduce myself earlier… the line was pretty intense.”
“That’s okay,” I replied, shaking her hand. “I’m Claire.” She took a seat with her plate of food and began eating.
“It’s good you’re here Claire, we need all the help we can get.” I watched as her eyes scanned the people that were eating and a smile crept onto her face as she sighed heavily. “It’s never ending…”
“What is?” I asked.
“The need. People from all walks of life come through those doors and they all are looking for something.”
“Yeah, food.”
“It goes deeper than that.”
“Oh?”
“We have various support groups for the people here.”
“That’s good.”
“It is good. But it’s hard sometimes…” she replied.
“Why do you do it?” I asked.
“I just want to help people… I was bad into drugs in my early teens and I came here when I lived out on the streets. My momma was a crack head and I left home at thirteen. I’m fifteen now and I got myself a good place to live with nice people who got me back into school, all thanks to this place. Volunteering is my way of giving back. What about you? Why you here?”
“I have to volunteer to keep my residency at the shelter down the road…” I said lowering my head.
“Don’t feel bad. Most the volunteers have been in a hard spot once or twice in their life and that’s how we ended up here to begin with.”
“Thanks,” I replied with a smile.
Debbie got up and left as I watched as Bonnie made rounds to a bunch of various tables until finally arriving at mine. Bonnie took the seat across from me. She smiled at me for a moment before reaching her hands across the table and grabbing onto mine.
“How are you doing Claire?”
“I’m fine… There are
sure a lot of people that need help here, huh?” I said as I broke eye contact and scanned the room again.
“Yes. But I’m not sitting at this table to talk about them. I want to talk to you. How are you?”
“You already asked that. I’m fine…”
“Claire. Roger over at the shelter gave me a call and filled me in on what your situation is.”
“Oh…” I felt uncomfortable and adjusted in my seat. Isn’t there some kind of law of disclosing personal information like that? I wondered.
“I went through the same thing honey.”
“Really? You lost your parents, got beat up by your boyfriend, mugged and found out you were pregnant all within six months?”
Her smile looked to be weighed with sorrow. “Not exactly… but I’ve experienced lost and I was a victim of domestic abuse.”
“I don’t really want to talk about this…” I said, pulling my hand away from hers.
“You say that now, but I remember being in that spot. You just keep pushing the pain aside and ignoring it… That’s not helpful to you. It’s only going to hurt you.”
“Thanks… but I’m okay.”
“Just keep chasing whatever it is you think you’re looking for. When you realize there’s nothing at the end of the rainbow, you’ll figure it out.”
“What?” I asked confused.
Bonnie stood up and patted me on the shoulder. “You’ll get it someday.” Then she headed off to another table to greet more patrons of the soup kitchen.
CHAPTER 23
While getting ready in the bathroom the next day, I felt a kick for the first time from Hope. Shocked, I almost messed up my mascara I was applying. I felt two more kicks before she stopped moving. Suddenly I realized just how real my pregnancy was. There was an actual human being growing inside of me, not just a stomach flu I couldn’t get over, an actual person.
My mind immediately went to Matt as I got a text from the prosecutor saying that the NCO was adjusted so I can talk to Matt, the judge had made the adjustment at court yesterday. I have to tell him I thought as I finished putting on my mascara. There was no way of avoiding the conversation. Over the phone? That didn’t seem right, I needed to meet with him and explain everything so he understood Hope is his. On the way into work that morning, I phoned the jail and found out I could meet with him on my lunch break during the jail’s visiting hours. Maybe having a child could help force a good change in him? Maybe, but I wasn’t going to bank on it.
