He was so angry he couldn't see straight. "You have no right to even speak her name or refer to her in any way. I will not tolerate it."
Anna glared at him. "I have a right to talk about anything I want to talk about in my own home. If I'm going to be compared to her every day for the rest of my life, I need to understand the comparison at least."
"There is no comparison." He turned and walked to his chair at the head of the table and sat down, not looking at her as he waited for the others to join him at the table.
Ernie rushed into the house then, throwing his coat onto the floor and flying to the basin to wash his hands. He didn't notice the anger between the adults, but sat in his chair and looked at Anna expectantly. "What's for supper?"
Anna sighed, refusing to let her anger with his father affect how she reacted to Ernie. She wanted to be a good step-mother to him, even though neither Ernie nor his father seemed to want her to fill the role. "Beef stew and rolls."
"Smells good." The words came reluctantly from Ernie's lips. She could see that he really didn't want to say them, but he felt like he should.
"Thank you. I think it will taste good too."
She took her seat, serving the stew for everyone. She'd already poured water for them all, so she looked at Jesse, and he immediately bowed his head to pray for them.
"Lord, thank you for this food. Please help us all to learn to get along with each other in our strange new family situation. Help me to control my temper in dealing with my new wife. I know that sometimes I say things I shouldn't, so please help me to work on that. In Christ's name we pray. Amen."
Anna's eyes met his, and she nodded slightly, recognizing the prayer for the only apology she was likely to get for his temper. "Did you get the fences finished today?" she asked. She knew she needed to say something to break the solid wall of ice that seemed to have formed between them.
He shook his head. "The fences all around are in bad shape. I think I've finished the worst of them, but I still have a lot of work to do on them. It sure helps when Ernie is there to hold the wire while I pound the nails, though."
Ernie didn't look up, but Anna could see the pride on his face at his father's words. "I'm glad he was so helpful today." She smiled at Ernie. "I have something I need you to do for me this evening. I need to measure you for the new clothes I'll make."
Ernie wrinkled his nose. "New clothes?"
"You've either outgrown or have holes in everything you wear. It's time for me to rectify that." She wasn't asking him, she was telling him, and she hoped he would recognize the difference.
"Do I have to, Pa?"
Jesse held back the laugh at his son's obviously sad tone. He remembered hating to stand still to be measured for clothes as well. "Yes, you do. You need to obey Anna just like you would me."
Ernie let out a loud sigh. "Yes, sir."
After the cake was served and the dishes were done, Ernie obediently stood on a chair next to the table while Anna measured him and made notes on each of the measurements. "I'll start sewing tomorrow so you can have new clothes to wear to church on Sunday."
Ernie didn't say anything, but the interest on his face showed her that he would be pleased to wear clothes that fit properly now that the hard part of standing still to be measured was over.
After he'd gone up to bed, Anna sat at the table, carefully cutting out several pair of pants for him and some new shirts, using an old pair of pants and an old shirt as a pattern, and simply adjusting them to the new measurements she'd taken. It was while she was working that Jesse sat at the table with her and cleared his throat.
Anna looked up, half afraid of what he would say to her. Jesse was sometimes friendly, sometimes cruel, and sometimes simply indifferent. She never knew what she'd get from him.
"May I tell you about my first wife so you can understand just a bit better?" Jesse asked, deliberately keeping his voice soft. He'd thought about having this conversation with her since his prayer at dinner, and he knew it was necessary for them to have simply to keep the peace.
She nodded, dreading his words. What would he say to her?
He took a deep breath. "When I first saw my wife, we were both children. I knew from the first day we met that I wanted to marry her." He frowned, thinking about how ornery he'd acted as a result of that. "I chased her around the playground at recess and made her life difficult. The other girls teased her about me, but I didn't care. We started courting when she was sixteen, and I was eighteen. I couldn't get her pa to let her step out with me before that."
"I don't really blame him. I don't think girls should marry before they're eighteen anyway."
"Well, we married a year later. She was seventeen and I was nineteen. She got pregnant with Ernie right off, and it was a difficult delivery for her. The midwife said that we shouldn't have any more babies, because she was just too small, but when she got pregnant again five years later, I was sure everything would be all right." He ran his hand over his face as if he was trying to keep from crying. "She died giving birth, and the baby died with her. I lost my wife and my daughter on the same day."
"I'm so sorry." And she was. She felt horrible for what had happened in his past, but she truly felt like he should still be able to live his life.
He shook his head. "I don't expect you to feel sorry for me. I just need you to understand why I can't love anyone else. You see, I promised her as she was dying that I'd take good care of Ernie and little Abigail, who was still clinging to life. When Deborah died, I just lost the will to love anyone. She was my everything."
Anna cocked her head to one side. "If you had died first, would you have expected Deborah to remain faithful to you for the rest of her life? Or would you have wanted her to find someone else to make her happy?"
He stared at her for a moment and shook his head. "She'd have had to marry someone to provide for her and the children. A woman can't provide for a family on her own."
"And a man can't provide for a family, keep house, and cook. You think you should be able to do it all, but you don't think that she should have had to do it all. Why is that?"
"I'm a man."
Anna's eyes widened in surprise. Had he really just said that to her? "So it's because you're a man that you're able to do more than any woman ever could?" Did he have any idea just how he sounded?
"Well, of course." Jesse watched her face and realized he'd made a mistake. "Well, no, but I couldn't ask her to be unhappy just because I died first."
"But you think she'd ask it of you?"
He thought about that for a moment. "She'd never have asked it of me. I ask it of myself."
"Why?"
"Why? Because it's the right thing to do." Suddenly, he wasn't certain any longer that it was the right thing to do. Anna made sense, and he didn't much like it.
"The Bible says you're free to remarry if your wife dies. Why do you hold yourself to stricter standards than Jesus would hold you to?" She wasn't trying to be contrary, but she really didn't understand his reasoning.
He stood. "I don't think I can explain it in a way that you'll really understand it." He couldn't even explain it to himself any longer. She was shaking his entire belief system, and he wasn't happy about it.
"I'm going to tell you now that in the unlikely event that you fall in love with me, and I die, I will want you to remarry and fall in love again. You can't raise Ernie alone. You need help." She nodded at the pile of clothing pieces in front of her. "Did you even realize how badly he needed new clothes?"
"You can't fault me for that. I've done my best by him." He'd noticed the boy's clothes only when they'd gotten ready for church on Sunday mornings. He'd always promptly forgotten when they returned home.
Anna nodded emphatically. "I know you've done your best by him. God meant for every child to have two parents for a reason. I don't think men are meant to notice things like their children's clothes. Women do it without thinking."
He sighed. "You may be right." He turned, fee
ling like their discussion had been a waste. She still didn't understand, and he wasn't certain he did any longer either. "I'll see you in the morning."
She watched him walk away, wondering if anything she'd said had gotten through to him. She appreciated how loyal he was, but he took it too far.
Chapter Seven
When Anna got up the following morning, she immediately felt a sense of hopelessness. How was she ever going to be able to convince Jesse that she was good enough for him to love when he'd made his vows to a dead woman?
She sighed as she quickly dressed and hurried down the stairs, determined to cook for her new family. Julia had promised to stop by that day, and she was glad she was going to have some time to just sit and talk to her friend. Yes, Julia was coming so she could help her get the house in order, but she'd done most of that the day before. More than anything, she needed her friend's company. If she insisted, they could spend some time working on the new clothes for Ernie, but she wouldn't mind if they just sat and talked.
She quickly made up dough for bread, before toasting what was left of the bread she had on hand. She made fried eggs and bacon to go with the toast, and had everything waiting when Jesse and Ernie descended the stairs.
Jesse took a long look at Anna before he took his spot at the head of the table. He had been up most of the night thinking about her words, and it looked to him as if she'd been up a great deal of the night as well. He hated that he was making her feel badly because of his belief that he couldn't love again, but he didn't want to give her false hope.
After their prayer, he said, "Breakfast looks good." He smiled at her kindly trying to communicate without words that he was grateful for all she did for him and Ernie.
She nodded, giving him a half smile. "I hope it tastes good too."
"I'm sure it will. You have a real knack for making anything taste good." He wasn't just flattering her. He'd honestly never met a better cook in his life.
Anna nodded, shrugging slightly. "I always have. It was something I was known for back home." Why was he being so nice all of a sudden? The man didn't seem to know whether he hated her or wanted to be her best friend.
Jesse felt something strange happen in his stomach. He knew that she referred to Massachusetts as her home out of habit, but he didn't want it to be her home. He wanted her to think of his ranch, with Ernie and him, as her home. Would she ever be able to do that without them having a real marriage? And why did it matter to him so much? He shouldn't care, should he?
He cut his egg with his fork, using his toast to sop up the yolk. He liked eggs a great deal and as many times as he'd tried, he'd never mastered the art of a perfectly cooked egg white and a runny yolk, which was how he preferred to eat them. He ate a piece of bacon while watching Anna. She seemed a little cold this morning, and he couldn't help but wonder if it had to do with his talk with her about Deborah the previous night.
"What are your plans for the day?" he asked.
She shrugged. "Mostly the usual. I'll do some baking this morning because Julia is coming over for tea this afternoon. She was going to help me get the house in order, but I've done that, so I'll have her help me with some of the sewing I'm doing for Ernie." She didn't want him to think she was planning on doing nothing all day.
Ernie made a face. "I like my clothes. They're comfortable."
Anna smiled at the boy. "I'm not going to make you church suits or anything. I'm making the same kind of clothes you already wear, but they'll be the right size, and there won't be holes in them. Trust me. You'll be happy." She thought about the yarn she'd purchased to make socks and scarves for him as well, but she didn't want to mention those, because they'd be Christmas gifts.
"Do I need to take a sandwich with me for lunch?" Jesse asked. He didn't much like the idea of not seeing her at lunch time, because he enjoyed taking a break from work. He enjoyed seeing her too, but he couldn't even admit that to himself.
She shook her head. "No, not at all. Julia's not going to be here until one, so I'll be able to feed you and then spend time with her." She took a sip of her milk before asking, "What about Ernie? Is he staying home with me today, or do you need him on the ranch again?" She really wanted Ernie to go with him so she could have a private conversation with Julia.
Jesse looked over at Ernie. "I have some more fences to mend. You up to do another day of man's work?"
Ernie nodded eagerly. "I'm a little sore from the hard work yesterday, Pa, but I'm happy to do it again."
Jesse smiled as he nodded at the boy. "Then you'll go with me again."
Anna stood and cleared the table. "That sounds good to me. I'll have lunch ready at noon as always." She walked to the work table with her back to them and started washing the dishes. She wanted Jesse to believe that his words the previous evening hadn't hurt her at all. They had, of course, but she didn't want him to know it.
After the men left, she hurried through the morning's baking, wanting to have a cake for dessert for dinner, but also some cookies to share with Julia. She'd never had a friend visit her before, as strange as that seemed. Elizabeth had visited once when she lived in Massachusetts, but that had been more of a business call than anything else. She was really looking forward to spending an afternoon with her friend where they could talk about anything they wanted to talk about.
By lunchtime, she knew without a doubt she'd gone more than a little overboard on baking cookies. Not knowing her friend's favorite, she'd made six different flavors. She laughed as she looked at the dozens of cookies all over her kitchen table. She'd have to send most of them with the men, because she knew that she and Julia would never be able to make a dent in that many cookies. They'd enjoy having the snack while they were working, though.
She hurried to clean up the mess she'd made and fixed lunch for the men, glad they were there to eat the extras. The loaves of bread she'd baked were laid out prettily on the counter.
"Any reason for me to stay around while your friend visits?" Jesse asked, eyeing her carefully. He knew there probably wasn't, but he wanted to at least offer so she'd know he was available for whatever she needed.
Anna shook her head. "I don't know what kind of reason you're imagining, but I assure you, I can spend the day with my friend without causing any problems."
She'd just finished the lunch dishes and sat down to work some more on Ernie's pants when there was a knock at the door. She put the fabric pieces on the table and rushed over to the door, smoothing her apron and patting her hair. She had to laugh at herself as she did, because she was acting more like a woman expecting a beau than a woman waiting for her friend to come.
"Julia. I'm so glad you came!" She opened the door wide, letting her friend into the house.
Julia looked around her and smiled. "Your house is beautiful and spotless. I thought I was coming over to help you get this place into shape."
Anna smiled. "Well, I hurried to get it all done, because I knew it would be more fun for the two of us to sit with sewing and just spend the afternoon talking instead. You don't mind do you?"
Julia shook her head. "Not at all if you don't mind letting me help with your sewing. I certainly didn't bring any. I'd feel guilty if I spent an entire afternoon with idle hands."
Anna led her friend to the kitchen table and handed her the shirt she'd quickly basted together for Ernie. "I've got that basted, if you'll just sew it for me, I'd appreciate it."
Julia looked down at the shirt and nodded. "My mother took in sewing in the evenings, so I helped her with it a lot. I know what I'm doing with a needle and thread."
Anna smiled. "I've been sewing since I was a small child. It's one of the ways we were trained at the orphanage." From the age of five on, they'd been expected to do everything they could to pull their own weight. Anna had been pleased to learn what she could and know she was helping out.
"So how's married life? Are you and Jesse getting along better?" She had the shirt in her hands and was carefully plying the needle and thread
, working quickly with even stitches.
Anna shrugged, picking up the pants she'd been working on. "I don't know. Jesse is...odd. I know he's attracted to me. When he kisses me, I can feel it inside him. But...he's very careful to always tell me that he's not going to fall in love with me, and we can never have a real marriage. He seems to all but worship his late wife, which makes me sad. How can a man feel that much for a woman who's been dead for three years?"
Julia frowned. "He's kissed you again? Not just in the school house?"
"Yes, he has." Anna blushed. "He seems to be overwhelmed with emotion, and he kisses me, but then he always regrets it." She hated that he'd never once kissed her because he liked her. He always seemed to have an ulterior motive.
Julia sighed. "How do you get along otherwise? Do you fight a lot, or do you think you're compatible other than physically?" She blushed as she said the last word, obviously thinking of her relationship with Tom.
"We get along fine. He's always complimenting my cooking and other things I do around the house. He seems to be happy with my skills as a wife, even if he isn't happy with me as a woman."
"Do you want to know what I think?"
Anna looked at her, her eyes filled with questions. "What's that?" She desperately needed advice from someone, and she had no one to turn to but Julia. She could always write Elizabeth, of course, but it would take a month to get a response.
"I think he is very happy with you as a woman. I think he's afraid that if he gets too close to you, he'll immediately fall in love, and he doesn't want that to happen."
Anna shook her head. "I don't think so. Wouldn't he just tell me that?" Why would Jesse complicate things?
"No, because he's a man, and they have to complicate every little thing. For some reason, they can't just come out and admit that they're attracted to you, but I certainly don't know why." Julia shrugged. "I'm so glad Tom isn't like that."
Mail Order Misfortune Page 8
