It was an unmistakable opening, but I couldn't take it. I opened my mouth. Nothing came out.
Ersatz jumped in. "My good friend Aahz wishes to tell you that he requires you to give us the Purse of Endless Wealth, which we judge to be in your possession. That is the sum of our task in this place."
"How can you just blurt that out?" Tananda asked him. The steel-gray eyes rolled toward her on the visible portion of the blade.
"It is the next step in our task to save Calypsa's grandfather, is it not?" Ersatz asked, reasonably. "Mistress Hylida asked us, and since friend Aahz appears to be tongue-tied, I have taken the step of saying the words for him. That is what you wish, isn't it?"
"Not very subtle, are you?"
"Subtlety wastes time," Ersatz said, unperturbed. The eyes turned to our hostess. "Well, mistress? Do we seek the Purse here in vain?"
Hylida clapped her hands. "I have seen a wonder today! A sword that talks! Is that your request, green-scaled one?"
I felt doubly stupid, now. "Uh…yeah. That is it."
"Then I am happy to tell you you have succeeded! Chin-Hwag is here."
"Oh, yes, Aahz," Kelsa said. "I told you I saw her. Would I lie?"
"Lie, no," Asti said, exasperatedly. "Be mistaken, constantly."
"I always see true! Much better than someone who poisons people by accident!"
"If you don't mind," the Book said, aheming for attention, "but I have a record of all of your errors over the centuries…"
"More wonders!" Hylida said, happily. "A Book that talks! Brothers and sisters, we must celebrate!"
The Toadies jumped up again, and began dancing, more vigorously than before. The people outside rose and started shouting. They banged pots and pans together, shook mara-cas, and danced all around the square.
Bam! Boom! Zing! Bom!
"Stop it!" I shouted. No one paid any attention to me.
"Hey, this is fun!" Buirnie said, through his little window. "Mind if I join in? Zildie, from the top! A-one, a-two, a-three…"
The spotlight hit his case. The nimble leg of the drum flicked it open, and the Flute joined in the chanting on the backbeat. The people stared at the solid-gold Fife for one moment, then accepted it as yet another miracle to celebrate. He led them in singing a rondo with a catchy rhythm. I sat with my arms folded, waiting for it all to blow over, but Calypsa started to get into it. She sprang up and started to dance, kicking and twirling. The locals grabbed her hands and swung her into their circle. The noise reached epic levels.
"Enough, already!" I bellowed.
Buirnie's playing died away with a whine.
The crowd paused to stare at me.
I glared at Sister Hylida. "If this is what you call private, then I want to see what you call an open town meeting!"
"Oh, it is an event of even greater enjoyment," the Toady nun said. She signed to her people to sit down. They groaned their disappointment, but they sat. Buirnie glared at me from underneath his spotlight. "But you were asking about Chin-Hwag. She has been my companion for several years now, and a great help to me in my mission. We help the poor and serve the hungry here. You see?"
She waved toward another ragged curtain. Beyond it was a room larger than the one we sat in. Several Toadies stirred huge, dented kettles over glowing embers. Steam rose from the pots. The aroma we had noticed on the way in came from there.
"We share good fortune as well as bad here," Hylida said, placidly. "But do not worry. No one will speak of what they see and hear in this place."
I didn't believe that, but I didn't have time to argue. We had business to accomplish and a road to hit. I cleared my throat.
"Abbess, we want to be fair. What will you take for the Purse?"
At my question, protests rose from the Toadies squatting in the house and outside the broken walls.
"Sell Chin-Hwag? I could never sell her!" Sister Hylida rose and removed a slab of plaster from the wall next to the altar. Behind it was a small alcove. I nodded approval. It would be hidden from potential thieves — who would suspect that the greatest fortune in any dimension might be concealed in those crumbling walls? — but easy to grab if the sister had to evacuate her soup-kitchen in a hurry. "You must see her, of course. Here she is."
I expected a kind of shapeless bag, but the Endless Purse of Money was an inch-thick octagon of leather about six inches across, stitched together from strips of a very smooth hide that had been dyed ochre. A good deal of the surface was covered with silk embroidery so fine that it would take a magnifying glass to admire the detail. It wasn't pretty, but it was intricate. I realized that it was studying me as keenly as I was studying it. Just like the other treasures, Chin-Hwag's intelligence was out there where anyone could see it. A couple of embroidered horizontal ovals above the pull-strings around the mouth narrowed, and the purse-strings moved.
"By all that jingles, a Pervert! You keep your scaly hands off me, greenboy!"
Hylida looked scandalized.
"Watch your language, Chin-Hwag, he is a visitor!"
The embroidered eyes shifted.
"I can see what he is a member of one of the greediest races in all the dimensions, after Deveels and a few other born felons. Find out what he wants, then send him away, swiftly."
"You misunderstand him," Calypsa said. "Aahz is most kindly helping me. He has no thoughts of wealth on his own behalf."
"Oh, don't listen to her," Asti interrupted. "He is out for money."
"Only what he is owed, by a debt of honor which I incurred," Ersatz said. "On behalf of our employer, whom you will come to know as a worthy being."
"Thanks a lot," I said.
The embroidered eyes moved around. "By clink and clank, Ersatz! I thought I felt my insides twisting! How many of you are here?"
"Five of us," Kelsa said. "Almost all of us who still exist."
"How peculiar and unwelcome a notion!" Chin-Hwag said.
"That is not very charitable," Sister Hylida said, shaking a finger at the Purse. The embroidered eyes turned toward her.
"You are not worldly, Hylida. You don't know what these other objects are like," Chin-Hwag said, the mouth drawing tighter. "In a crisis, they do too much when a little will do."
"They are still our guests today," the little nun said. She turned to me. "You must join us for our meal."
"If you don't mind," Tananda said, with a look at Calypsa's face. It was almost as green as hers. I think the smell must have been getting to her. "Maybe we can take the Purse and go. We don't want to impose."
The nun's kindly face fell. "I am afraid that I cannot let you take her just yet. Tax day approaches. The Majaranarana's collectors will be coming by to assess each of the people you see out there, and take money from them according to each assessment. They do not have it, so Chin-Hwag must give it to them. Tomorrow, please, or the day after."
We looked at Calypsa. In spite of her nausea, she was sympathetic.
"What do you say, kid? There's only three days left on your deadline."
"Of course we must allow you to help them," the Walt said. "I couldn't let anyone get into trouble. We are so close. Surely we will find the Ring in good time."
I didn't like cutting our fudge factor, but I shrugged. "It's your show. Besides, I could use a square meal."
"Good!" Hylida said. "Then let us have food." She clapped her hands.
"Who's the Majaranarana?" I asked.
"Oh, he is the absolute monarch of our land," Hylida said, as the Toadies ran around and laid out huge bowls and spoons at each place. This looked promising, since we hadn't eaten much in the last few days. "Our land produces much wealth' crops, minerals, silk, machinery, but very little of it benefits us. All of our profits are taxed heavily."
"Are you at war?" Ersatz asked, with a expert's eye on her.
"No! But our neighbors look at us greedily. The Majaranarana has been using all the money to pay off the other rulers, to keep them from thinking about invading." She sighed. "It might ha
ve been better to have raised an army when he could afford one. Now he wrings all he can out of the people. We cannot go on much longer in this fashion."
In the meantime, one of the servers set a big kettle of stew down next to me. I inhaled appreciatively. It tasted like farkasht fritters, a dish that my grandmother used to make, except none of the components wriggled. Too bad. It was the closest I'd found to Pervish cooking in a hundred dimensions. I scooped the contents into my bowl and started eating.
"All right, everyone, dinner is served!" Hylida said. Pointed silence descended. I glanced up from my meal.
"What?" I asked.
Tananda tilted her head meaningfully toward the bowl in front of her. Another server had ladled some of the stew into it, about enough to cover my palm. I looked at Calypsa's bowl. In it was also a single, meager scoop of food. If I judged by proportion, the pot I had just emptied was supposed to have fed about a hundred people. I felt like an idiot. Why did these people use such huge dishes if they weren't going to fill them?
"Uh, sorry."
"What an appetite!" Hylida said. She looked pleased.
"Like feeding a garbage disposal," Asti exclaimed.
"Nothing would surprise me about Perverts," Chin-Hwag agreed.
"I have records of feasts where they've eaten whole villages!" Payge said. He turned terrified blue jewel eyes toward me. "I mean, the contents of their larders and their animal pens, not the people. I…please don't tear my pages out."
"Knock it off!" I said. I turned to Hylida. "Sorry for the inconvenience. I'll make it up to you."
The nun smiled. "I do not mind. You were so appreciative of the flavor of our cooking. I do not see that very often. Usually my clients are just grateful to have the food, they do not care what it tastes like. It is charity, but they still complain."
"There, you see? He didn't even wait to see what it tasted like." Asti snorted.
"All right," I snarled, glaring down on her. "Knock it off! I deserve this one, but I'm fed up with getting tsuris from you on preventable faux pas. Why didn't you warn me?"
"Not my job," Asti said, smugly. "Why didn't the Dumbstone do it? She's the one who sees the future."
"Because he was meant to do it," Kelsa said. "He was hungry! You ought to be more compassionate about that. How can you think clearly on an empty stomach?"
"Thanks a bunch, Kelsa." I wasn't that grateful. I was smarting at the humiliation. The Toadies in the wall were staring at me in open admiration.
"He ought to live more in the life of the mind," Payge said.
"If I was made of paper, that would be easy," I grumbled.
"What can we do about the people who are waiting to eat?" Calypsa asked, politely.
"We're not here to solve all their problems," I said.
"But that is what we do," Kelsa said.
"Not today."
"Oh, but, Aahz, we must!" Calypsa pleaded.
I gave in.
"Can I get raw materials from somewhere else?" I asked Hylida.
She spread her hands sadly. "There are no other supplies, I am afraid. The crops have been bad, and we have few farmers who bring their surplus into the city."
Now I felt really bad. I got up, reaching for the D-hopper in my pocket. "I know. There's a good pizza place in the Bazaar. They deliver. They can be here in half an hour. I'll be back. What do you think, about a hundred pies?"
"My goodness, a Pervect who sees beyond his own needs!" Chin-Hwag exclaimed. "Do you actually feel shame? I am impressed."
"Shut up, sister," I said. "I may need your help, but you don't get to slam my character."
"Forgive me! I have never before met a Pervect who had one!"
I turned my back on her and set the D-hopper for Deva.
"Don't go," Asti said, just before I hit the button. "I'll feed them. Let them drink from me. They will find enough sustenance to strengthen them for a week."
Hylida bowed deeply to the shining goblet. "That will help us mightily. We usually cannot afford more than basic needs."
"That doesn't make sense," I said. "If you have Chin-Hwag, and she'll cough up whatever you need, then why are you so desperate?"
Hylida smiled. It was a saint's smile. I could see why the people around there worshiped her. "It is not money we need here, but heart. The people here are poor. They can't afford new clothes, or household goods, or even wigs."
"Wigs?"
"Oh, yes. They are a status symbol in Toa. We cannot ask Chin-Hwag for these things. A sudden influx of too much money would only cause confusion and break down the bounds of the current society, with nothing to replace it. In measured amounts, they still strive to care for themselves. It is a matter of pride."
Asti seemed to square her shoulders.
"Let's get this over with," she said. "I haven't had to pitch in like this since the cooks burned the Grand Trompier's wedding feast in the palace of Belaj."
But before the soup-line could begin, the jingle of metal and the thundering of hoofbeats made the Toadies leap up. "Run away!" they shouted.
"What's the problem?" I asked. Hylida looked grave.
"The tax collectors are here," she said.
Chapter 19
INTO THE SUDDENLY-CLEARED square galloped a troop of riders. The steeds, pulling to a halt in a cloud of dust, looked like giant blue newts, saddled and bridled with scaly leather trimmed with gold. The barding protecting their soft underbellies was studded with hooked spikes. The armored and helmeted Toadies mounted on their backs brandished spears with hooks on the ends like the canes vaudeville theater owners used to yank unsuccessful acts off stage. One of them caught a little Toady woman in pink by the neck. They hauled her in.
"Tax time!" he shouted gleefully.
"I don't have any money!" the woman protested. "Please let me go!"
I started outside. I was twice the size of any of the soldiers. I could get her free. Hylida grabbed my arm with a virtually weightless claw.
"Do not interfere," she said. "It only makes it worse."
The guards dragged their prisoner before the most elaborately-dressed Toady, one wearing a huge blond wig that stuck out from underneath his helmet like a cloud of steel wool.
"Name?"
"Ranax, sir," the woman sobbed.
The captain took a small plastic tablet from his saddlebag and jabbed at the screen with a stylus. It hummed and clicked, and a plastic strip rolled out of the top.
"Ranax. Your family owes six silver pieces!" The tablet chittered, and the strip grew to about three inches. He tore it off and thrust it toward her. The little female took it in trembling hands.
"I…I will have to go home for the money, sir!"
The captain aimed a finger, and the guards dropped her from the hook. The Toady woman waddled out of the square as fast as her thick little legs would carry her. The guards went after an elderly male.
I heard a minor hubbub behind me. Ranax wriggled in through one of the large holes in the wall, and was kneeling before Sister Hylida and Chin-Hwag. She must have gone around the corner and come back through the rat's maze of alleys.
"Let me see, six silver pieces, at the current rate of exchange…" the Purse said, clicking the beads on her strings together like an abacus. "Hack! Ugh! There you are." She opened her mouth and spat a tiny gold coin into Ranax's outstretched hand. "Don't drop it!"
"No, I will not. Thank you, sister!" Ranax left the way she came. As she exited, two more of the tax-collectors' victims squirmed inside. For the next few hours, Chin-Hwag coughed up a mix of small coins to satisfy the demands. The captain read off his demands from the little screen in silver, but the Purse produced only gold coins, some so small they could get lost underneath my fingernails. The Toadies clutched them and ran out to pay.
"How long does this go on?" I asked.
"Until they have checked off everyone on the list," Hylida said. Her eyes widened. "Oh, hide!" she said, suddenly. "They are coming this way!"
The Toadies still i
n the room dove for one of the exits. Tananda, Calypsa and I grabbed up the Hoard and followed them, but we weren't fast enough. The armored newts spotted us. They bellowed. Their riders turned to see what they were looking at.
"Strangers!"
"Take them!" the captain shouted.
Waving their hooks, a couple of the biggest Toadies turned their newts toward me. I ducked as they galloped past. When I sprang up again, I saw they had hooked one another. I grinned, but it didn't last for long. Another soldier came thundering my way, spear at the ready.
"Oil, fast," I ordered Asti. "Make it slippery."
"What? All right." The Cup filled with a viscous green liquid. I tossed it out under the feet of the onrushing lizard. Its beady eyes widened, but it was too late to backpedal. Its front feet slid forward, with the back feet still windmilling. It did a respectable death spiral, whirling with its head between its feet. I would have awarded them six points, but the rider went flying into the nearest tent. It collapsed under him.
"Next time keep your knees clenched!" I jeered at him.
I felt a poking sensation at my back. I turned to see a dozen other soldiers, still securely in their saddles, pointing spears at my back. Slowly, I lifted my hands in surrender.
They had already rounded up Calypsa and Tananda. I clutched Asti, hoping that she would have the sense to keep her lip zipped. All I needed was to have the treasures confiscated when we were so close to having collected the whole set.
"How dare you assault my officers?" the captain asked, staring down at me. "I am Captain Horunkus of the Royal Collection Agency!"
"Well, Horunkus, if someone told you that wig made you look like Shirley Temple, you ought to sue them," I advised. "I am Aahz, Royal Magician of the Palace of Vaudeville!"
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