I wanted to die on the spot. Right there and then I hoped the floor would open and swallow me up. Why couldn’t I have a birthday without any gate-crashers knocking on my door for once? What on earth did they want? I wasn’t going to find out stood where I was so I went to face the music – they would have heard every word of my drunken outburst. I smoothed down my onesie, and poked my head around the door. The Kensingtons were definitely standing there in my hallway and they were looking straight at me.
‘Happy New Year,’ I offered with a hiccup and a drunken smile.
There was no getting out of this one. I remembered my manners and asked, ‘What can I do for you?’
I could hear Matt, Mark and Jane whispering behind the door, clearly trying to figure out what had brought them to our party – uninvited I might add. Of course not one of them had the bottle to come out from behind the door to help me out of this tricky situation.
‘We had nowhere to go,’ replied Penelope.
I know I was a little worse for wear but had Penelope just told me they had nowhere to go? She had a nerve, she hadn’t spoken to me for the past month and now she wanted to gate-crash my New Year’s Eve party with my good friends. The others had gone quiet behind the door, except for Jane who was trying to whisper, but in her tipsy state, was trying too hard.
‘We believe Camilla Noland is having a garden party, get yourselves over there,’ she boomed, immediately followed by even louder ‘shushing’ from the boys.
Then they all shouted, ‘She can’t be having a garden party, she hasn’t got a garden!’
The dog wandered up the hallway from the kitchen, obviously curious about all the commotion. When he noticed it was Penelope he retreated back to his bed with his tail between his legs; he was definitely embarrassed after his one-night stand and couldn’t face her again.
I threw open the living room door, smashing it into the three drunken adults who subsequently fell backwards into a heap on the floor. I looked down at them and threw my arms into the air.
‘Well you’d better come in and join the party,’ I reluctantly announced.
Little Jonny and Annabel disappeared upstairs to find the others. Little Jonny and Samuel were friends again at the moment but with children that could all change next week.
Matt quickly disappeared and Mark hurried into the kitchen to get everyone a drink. If they were going to reach parity with our alcohol consumption levels they had better start on the hard stuff. Rupert started drinking before he had even taken his slippers out of his carrier bag and removed his coat. It was like he had never been away. Jane took Rupert’s coat from him and asked where she should hang it. Before I had chance to answer, Penelope piped up.
‘We have our own pegs with our names on in the cloakroom.’
Not any more they didn’t – we had removed them once we thought we were rid of the Kensingtons. I looked around for Matt and caught him sneaking back into the garage with a screwdriver and a hammer.
‘What are you up to?’ I quizzed. ‘Don’t leave me with this lot on my own.’
He winked in my direction and pointed towards the cloakroom. The Kensingtons’ coat pegs were back in place. Matt returned from the garage with a bucket, which he promptly handed to Rupert.
‘This is for you,’ he said. ‘I may not be opposed to the odd bit of DIY on New Year’s Eve but I am certainly not cleaning up any of your vomit.’
Rupert knew the score, they were lucky to be back in the Shack – bloody lucky!
Jane and I were drunk, absolutely stinking drunk. We danced to every cheesy song that was played, jumped off the furniture playing air guitar and sang ‘Agadoo’ completely out of tune. Penelope, however, did not join in with any of our fun and games. She was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room wearing an expensive black cocktail dress – and even more expensive slippers – slowly sipping her drink. She definitely didn’t look in the party mood. Rupert, on the other hand, was getting into the swing and had joined us jumping around like lunatics playing air guitar. I handed out a deadly cocktail that I had concocted earlier and Rupert looked like he was having the best New Year’s Eve ever.
Jane was the first to notice that Penelope had disappeared from the chair. I mimed to Jane the actions of smoking a fag and pointed outside to where Penelope was standing. I glanced through the window and saw her dragging on a cigarette. Rupert was now beyond tipsy and was doing a great job of catching up with the rest of us. I decided as much as Rupert had his faults he was actually all right, I quite liked him.
It was thirty minutes before midnight and Matt had put the champagne on ice and retrieved the posh glasses – that only seem to come out on New Year’s Eve – ready for the chimes of Big Ben. Penelope still hadn’t returned to the room when Jane decided we had time to play one last party game. Everyone sat down in a circle on the floor for a game of ‘Shag, Marry, Avoid’.
Jane went first…
‘I would shag Gerard Butler.’
‘Why?’ I enquired.
‘Because he looks dirty,’ she replied.
‘Fair play,’ I thought.
‘I would marry Colin Firth – in his Mr Darcy days of course – and I would avoid Roy Cropper.’
We all fell about laughing.
I followed Jane’s lead… My answer was not going to be a surprise to anyone. I love this man, the only man I would ever leave Matt for.
‘I would shag Gary Barlow, I would marry Gary Barlow and I would avoid his wife!’
The jovial mood continued.
Then Mark took his turn.
‘I would shag anyone, I’m a bloke, aren’t I,’ he grinned. ‘I would marry no-one and I would avoid “the clap”!’
We were all howling with laughter.
The only contestants left to declare their intentions were Penelope and Rupert – Matt had disappeared to fill up his glass, no doubt desperate to avoid revealing his drunken desires. Penelope had also disappeared off to the toilet – after finally returning from her fag break – and had still not returned. Rupert was beyond drunk at this point and sat in the circle making funny faces pondering his choices.
Rupert hushed the room for quiet.
We looked at him expectantly but we did not expect the words that came out of his mouth. ‘I would shag Camilla Noland, I would marry Annie and I would avoid Penelope.’
Our jaws hit the floor.
Awkward silence.
The whole room remained quiet whilst we all gazed up at Rupert with astonishment; he of course was completely serious. If there was any moment to sober up it would be now. Not only was he being completely serious, he had chosen to make his declaration right at the moment Penelope returned to the room. She had heard every word from where she was standing in the doorway. We all cringed, waiting for the leftover bonfire party fireworks to go off. We didn’t have to wait very long. This was definitely going to be a night to remember.
Penelope walked straight over to him and we all flinched, waiting for the inevitable slap across his face. Instead she picked up the champagne bottle and poured the finest Lanson Black Label all over his head. The rest of us gasped – what a bloody waste of good champagne!
Just at that moment the clocks chimed. We quickly joined hands and sang ‘Auld Lang Syne’ at the top of our voices. Penelope and Rupert were standing silently, right in the middle of our celebrations. Party poppers were flying and champagne glasses clinked together. Everyone was kissing each other’s cheeks and wishing one another a ‘Happy New Year’ – and of course wishing me ‘Happy Birthday’. Jane winked at me and went over to Rupert. Putting her arms around his neck, she pretended to give him the biggest snog ever. Then before any of us knew what to do, we heard a loud intermittent beeping noise coming from outside.
We all raced to the window to look out. Jane put Rupert down so she could see what was happening too. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. At first I thought it was a vehicle that broken down in the snow but it was actually a shiny red bus – and i
t was being reversed onto my drive.
I strained my neck for a better look out of the window and spotted Fay giving me a cheeky wave from the driver’s seat!
Not only was it a bus, it was THE bus and there were already passengers occupying some of the seats, people who I sincerely hoped I would never set eyes upon again. Sitting on the bus was Mr International Sex God and Lois, Mrs High School Musical, Botox Bernie, Camilla, the White Witch of Narnia and Frisky Pensioner!
Fay gave me a wink and shouted, ‘Bus for Penelope and Rupert Kensington.’
I knew Fay was my best mate in the world ever… I always knew she wouldn’t let me down. A true friend that had passed the seven-year rule of friendship. There was no way on this Earth that she would ever let me go on holiday with those two lunatics!
This was turning out to be the best birthday ever.
Happy New Year!
To be continued…
Letter from Christie
Dear readers,
I would just like to say a HUGE heartfelt thank you for choosing to read A Year in the Life of a Playground Mother.
The idea for the book was launched one rainy afternoon. Once hitting my mid-life crisis (but dodging the tattoo and the fast car) after wholly dedicating my life to the care of my children, they asked me what I wanted to do with my life. ‘I’ve always wanted to write a book,’ I found myself answering.
After muttering to myself for nearly a fortnight and wondering what could I possibly write a story about, it hit me one afternoon whilst I was on the school run. With all my children at various stages in their education it was then I decided to write a book based on purely comedic scenarios that occur in a mother’s life on a daily basis.
I love writing about Rachel Young’s adventures but sometimes wish she’d learn to say NO! Penelope and Rupert Kensington are characters that I simply love. I’d often find myself giggling away whilst writing the story. They are both entertaining yet annoying. It is important that I am able to relate to my characters and love who they are – faults as well.
Thank you so much to everyone that has been involved in this project, my family, friends and readers for all your lovely messages, tweets and emails along the way. I love reading all your messages! Writing fiction is certainly a lonely job and most of the time it is spent on my own tapping at the computer with only my mad cocker spaniel Woody for company.
If you enjoyed my book and have time to post a review that would be amazing. It can really make all the difference in persuading a new reader to try my book.
I am delighted to tell you there is a sequel coming very very soon…Watch this space!
To keep right up-to-date with the latest news on my new releases just sign up using the link below:
Christie Barlow New Releases Email
Warmest wishes
Christie x
P.S. If you’d like to read my other novels, The Misadventures of a Playground Mother also features Rachel Young, and my new novel Kitty’s Countryside Dream is out now.
@ChristieJBarlow
ChristieJBarlow
www.christiebarlow.com
The Misadventures of a Playground Mother
Out now…
New term. New dramas. New friendships. And that’s just the parents…
After a year of country living, Rachel Young is finally getting into the swing of things. Her four kids are happy and content at the village school, and she’s managed to navigate the choppy (shark-infested) waters of the playground mafia.
Or… so she thought.
When playground mum Penelope Kensington moves herself and her kids into Rachel’s home, after discovering husband Rupert has been having an affair, Rachel knows she must ask them politely to leave. The problem is, Penelope never takes no for an answer.
As Rachel tries to deal with Penelope, she also meets new school mum Melanie. Melanie is a breath of fresh air, but her arrival sends ripples of gossip through the playground. Melanie has a few secrets in her closet, and it seems she’s not the only one…
Hilarious and entertaining, with characters you won't forget in a hurry, fans of Fiona Gibson, Kerry Fisher and Tracy Bloom will love this book.
READ HERE!
Kitty’s Countryside Dream
Out now…
‘An utterly gorgeous story, with an utterly gorgeous plot that kept me turning the pages ... left me feeling full of happiness and hope.’ Becca’s Books
New home. New life. New beginning. Love affairs can blossom in the most unlikely places . . .
When Kitty inherits Bluebell Lodge from her grandmother, a farm in the beautiful Staffordshire countryside, it’s time for fresh air and a fresh start. Up to her elbows in chickens and ponies, Kitty soon realises there’s an awful lot to learn about farming. Still, at least the locals seem friendly, not least her handsome neighbour Tom…
But just as Kitty is beginning to find her feet, and the possibility of love, the discovery of a long-hidden diary, by a mysterious character called Violet changes everything. Who is Violet and what is her message for Kitty? As Kitty fills in the lost pieces of her family jigsaw and discovers some shocking revelations, will her countryside dream and blossoming relationship fall to pieces? When it comes to life in the country, nothing is ever quite as it seems …
A heart warming, moving and funny tale, perfect for fans of Debbie Johnson and Cathy Bramley.
READ HERE!
Praise for Kitty’s Countryside Dream :
‘This is an excellent book which swept me along so well that I read it in less than a day. I loved the characters and the story and will definitely be reading more by this author. This is definitely a book to read curled up with a mug of tea or hot chocolate.’ Bookloverwormblog
'A heartwarming and cosy countryside read with characters you will love' Rachael Lucas
‘I found this book really enjoyable, the author has an engaging writing style that managed to draw me into the storyline and the lives of our character. The storyline flowed at a great pace and I raced through the book in no time soaking up the wonderful detailed descriptions.
I can see that fans of Cathy Bramley and Cathy Woodman would love this book.’Rea's Book Reviews
Also by Christie Barlow
The Misadventures of a Playground Mother
Kitty’s Countryside Dream
Published by Bookouture - an imprint of StoryFire Ltd.
23 Sussex Road, Ickenham, UB10 8PN, United Kingdom
www.bookouture.com
Copyright © Christie Barlow 2015
Christie Barlow has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this work.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and events other than those clearly in the public domain, are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
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A Year in the Life of a Playground Mother: A laugh-out-loud funny novel about life at the School Gates (A School Gates Comedy Book 1) Page 25
