In this case, maybe you do, in fact, have things to lose, a cost, if you go after your greatness. What if you lose your fears? What if you lose your ego? What if you lose your pride? What if you have no choice but to lose these things if you wish to be great?
You can look at it any which way. How do you choose to play the game?
Nothing To Lose, Nothing To Gain, Everything To…
If nothing will ever be yours to “have,” what do you have to gain? You have nothing now, and you never will have anything. To remain in a state of not having anything to lose means you must remain in a state of not gaining anything.
Remember, this requires switching your definition of “have.” You may in fact “have” many possessions from one perspective that you have every right to own and keep, and yet “have” nothing but choice from another perspective. This is all a game of perception. This last sentence may be the most important one you read in this book.
So what remains when you have nothing to lose and nothing to gain?
If you have nothing to lose and nothing to gain, you’re left with the only choice remaining – the choice of what to give.
The game many people play is this…
I must cling to things so I don’t lose them. Then I must get more from others, myself, and the world. I must desperately hope my mind, other people, and the world choose to fulfill my wishes because I cannot choose to fulfill all my own wishes.
Ever play this game? Ever see others play this game? How did it work out for you and them?
Deep down inside, we know we don’t have a choice to keep what we have. We can choose to fight for it, but something could happen beyond our choosing. A fire could burn down a house and take nearly all of someone’s possessions.
We typically want people to choose the best thing for us, or choose what’s best for them if we love them. How helpless do you feel when you see someone you love choosing to harm themselves? It’s infuriating to see people you care about making choices that hurt them or others, and yet there’s nothing, or perhaps nothing you can perceive at this moment, that can be done about it.
There may be nothing more frustrating than wishing you would have the motivation to do something or stop doing something, and yet another part of you seems to have a plan of its own. You choose one thing, and yet it feels like your mind or emotional drives choose another. Did your mind decide, or did you simply choose to let your mind decide?
Addictions can quite literally make it impossible for someone to make a conscious choice about their behavior. And yet, even with the addict, there’s a choice. Perhaps it’s the choice to get help or the choice to forgive themselves for their uncontrolled behavior.
Here’s another game you may choose to play.
I won’t fear losing anything since I have nothing to lose, so all that remains is to feel appreciation for what’s been shared with me in this moment. If I’m left with only my choice of what to give from what I’m borrowing, what would I like to give?
Do I wish to give fear, resentment, and hatred? If others can choose not to receive those things from me, than who is left to receive them except for myself?
Or…
Do I wish to give love, gratitude, and my greatness? Would others receive these gifts? Would I give these gifts to myself?
Do I wish to give happiness, and in turn feel happier myself?
Do I wish to give lessons, and in turn learn more myself?
Do I wish to give gratitude, and in turn feel greater gratitude myself?
Ask yourself, “Have I ever played this game of giving, where by giving I receive? Does it actually work, or is it just some feel good theory? Can I prove it for myself to be true?”
So now you may choose to consider…
Have you ever given someone a hand, and then felt it was you who was being helped the most?
Have you given such sincere gratitude that it brought tears to someone’s eyes, and in this moment you felt more grateful than ever?
Have you ever given an act of love without expecting anything in return, and suddenly felt yourself radiating an abundance of love throughout your entire being?
"Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away" – Tom Wilson
What you might find when you play this game is that you will never “get” anything, but you will “receive” everything. You’ll receive everything you give out – good or bad.
It requires a logic that exceeds the mind.
The mind says to get more is to have more, to give more is to lose more. By now you should know your mind if full of shit. If you come to doubt anything in your mind, doubt this deception.
Of course, it’s a game you can play and make true for yourself if you wish. Your ability to choose is so strong that you can choose to make your own belief systems, your own BS, become completely true from your perspective. You are the magician, and you can create whatever illusions you want.
This “giving and therefore receiving” is a logic beyond the mind. A logic that says you can have “nothing” and yet still give “everything.” A logic that says you can give more and in turn “get” or receive more by this very act of giving.
You already know how to play this giving game quite well. Your mind doesn’t make sense of it, but something inside you may confirm it’s true. It’s the game that’s played by something beyond your mind.
You already know this. This is not a revelation. It’s a reminder. And still you forget about it. Why do you keep forgetting? What reminder do you need?
Some have even gone their whole lives forgetting they know how to play this giving game. This is because no one, or very few people, gave them the example of how to play it as a reminder. They grew up without teachers or role models to remind them of the rules of “giving and receiving.”
The choice then is this, do you wish to give others this reminder of how to play the giving game?
Do you think the more you remind others of the giving game, the more you’ll remind yourself?
The mind asks, “What can I get?” And in its getting, it never quite gets enough in return.
The heart asks, “What can I give?” And in its giving, it always receives more than its fill in return.
To Receive Or To Rob? That Is The Question
Would you give to those who cannot receive? When one is ready to receive, only then it will be given.
Perhaps you feel the giving thing has merit, but you may also be a bit curious about the whole “receiving” thing.
But Derek… don’t we need to choose to receive as well as choose to give? Isn’t a problem that some people are such great givers but terrible receivers?
If you pondered this yourself, then I have a question for you…
What makes you think giving and receiving aren’t the same?
There is no act of giving without an act of receiving co-existing at exactly the same moment. The moment something is given, it is also received. To say giving has taken place without receiving would be faulty logic from this perspective.
But Derek… I get that giving and receiving go hand in hand, but why say you can only give? Surely you can say at some point you’re giving, and then at other points you’re receiving if someone is giving to you. Oh wait, it’s probably a four-value logic paradox thing, right? I’m sure you probably have some totally smart answer to this so now I’m going to shut up this mind chatter and prepare to have some enlightenment dropped on me.
“Giving and receiving” is one way of looking at things. A breath is giving carbon dioxide and then in the next moment receiving oxygen. Another way to consider, if only for a moment, is that everything is giving. Couldn’t you say it’s giving carbon dioxide to the air during an exhalation and then giving oxygen to the lungs during an inhalation? You could say receiving something is giving reception.
As much as this might sound like an attempt to be overly philosophical, it really comes back to practical application. This “always giving” game is useful for
turning receiving into something that’s active. Remember that we’re using words to describe a reality that cannot be limited to words. Language is limited in its ability to express deeper truths.
Let’s look at this practically…
Imagine you’re giving a gift to someone. You really thought long and hard about this gift and feel it’s perfect for them, and you leave it on their table wrapped up in a nice shiny box.
But they don’t ever acknowledge it. Nothing. Not a word.
You start to wonder… did they receive it?
I mean sure, it was sitting on their table, but maybe they didn’t see it. Maybe it got thrown away by accident. Then you notice next time you’re at their house… there’s your gift box opened up, and the gift is sitting on the table.
You see them.
They say nothing.
What. The. Eff?
Does it feel like your gift is received? Sure you intellectually know they have it, but they didn’t acknowledge it. Doesn’t something feel off about this?
Have you ever given anything and felt like, “Ugh! Not even an acknowledgment? Not even a thank you? Not even a hand wave in the window when I slow down to let you cut in front of me driving on the road, you insensitive jerk!?”
So then is it possible for someone to be a “bad receiver” by not giving acknowledgement or appreciation? Might you even say they’re a “non-receiver” if they don’t acknowledge the gift by even looking at it or paying it any attention?
When anything is attempted to be given to you, whether given by yourself or others, you have two choices: You can either give reception or give rejection.
Notice the use of the phrasing “give reception.” You’re actively giving reception. It’s strange and perhaps a bit illogical, but still it makes sense on an emotional level. You give reception by giving out your hands to hold the gift. Or giving words of thanks. Or giving silence even with a nod of acknowledgement.
However, you could also choose when someone says, “Oh, you’re so great!” to give in return, “Oh no, I’m nothing special!”
Boom! Rejection given.
Was a compliment actually “given?” Yes and no.
Yes, technically a compliment was given, but was it received? If it wasn’t received, was it given? Or just attempted to be given?
Have you ever given rejection when someone tried to give you recognition?
Someone gives you a compliment, and instead of just graciously giving it a warm, welcome reception, you give it rejection by denying it, playing it off, or any other form of basically telling the other person they’re full of shit and their opinion is invalid to you.
Wow! Aren’t you the sweet, modest one?
Don’t worry… I’m guilty too. #LiveAndLearn
Even if you don’t reject the recognition from others, consider this: Have you ever had the opportunity to recognize yourself for your own accomplishments, but then rejected this? Are you both giving yourself recognition and giving yourself reception of it?
To receive is vulnerable. The giver has control. The receiver is passive. Well at least, if you want to play it the way most people do, that’s how it would feel.
One goal with this book is to give you another choice on how to play. Yes, vulnerability, learning to receive, and letting others “have control” is important. But these words are just mind games. They have no meaning except the meaning you give them.
Rather than making the mind, which loves to feel in control, have to sit there and passively accept something, let’s give the mind something proactive it can work towards. Let’s give the mind something it can do. Let’s give the mind its sense of control back when receiving not through giving rejection, but through being the bestest, most amazingest giver of reception and appreciation ever.
Imagine this…
Someone gives you a gift. You stop everything you’re doing. Get the biggest smile on your face. Look them dead in the eyes, and as you embrace them say, “Thank you for this. You and your gift mean the world to me!”
You’ll probably make the other person cry with tears of gratitude, and they’re the ones who gave you the gift! Then you’ll probably start to cry because you’ll feel that gratitude too! Interesting how this works, right? I’m pretty sure some unicorns and butterflies will manifest around you as you embrace each other and all will be right in the world in this moment.
Imagine the love that’s shared when you focus on how to give appreciation and acknowledgement for what another has given you. When you give appreciation to another, both of you receive the feeling of appreciation. In other words, you giving joy to another is giving joy to yourself.
Why would anyone not want to experience this?
Because they’re playing the mind’s version of the giving game. It’s not true giving, it’s giving with the idea of getting something back. It’s not “give and receive,” but rather “give and take.”
“I’ll do this favor for you, but I’ll resent it if you don’t do a favor for me later.”
“I’ll give to you, but if I don’t get at least a ‘thank you,’ I’m going to be pissed off.”
“I’ll buy this for you so that you like me and give me your approval.”
Have you ever seen a needy person who tries to get people to like them? It typically doesn’t work. If it does “work,” it’s because they’ve found other insecure people where they feed into each other’s “give and take.” And do they ever seem happy in this cycle?
Have you ever been truly fulfilled caught up in this cycle yourself?
The difference isn’t in the giving, it’s in the taking. Taking comes from expectation. The world or others owe me something. After all, I gave to them… so the least they can do is give me acknowledgement.
This is actually the game that those who have an easy time giving but a hard time receiving play.
“Oh no, I don’t need anything. I’m just going to give to others because I’m such a kind, wonderful, giving person. I don’t want to burden others by having them give to me.”
Those who pride themselves of how much they give to others but have a hard time receiving, are actually “takers” or “robbers.”
Consider this…
Is it generous, kind, and selfless to rob someone of $10 so one can give that money to someone else?
If one is willing to give to others (time, money, compliments) but not willing to receive the same in return, this is attempting to give joy to others while simultaneously robbing from others the joy of giving.
The givers who cannot receive are actually taking from others the opportunity to give.
If you’ve ever attempted to give someone a gift, and another person rejects it, haven’t they taken from you the joy you would have had from this attempted giving? Did you feel your heart sink when you wanted to give to someone but they refused your gift?
Now you may think, doesn’t one have a right to reject what’s been given to them? How can this be “taking” or “robbing?”
Sure. That’s their choice to reject your gift. It’s your choice to reject theirs. There’s no moral judgment here because it actually does no harm to a true giver. While the choice not to receive potentially “takes” or “robs” the joy of giving away from someone, when the giver is playing the true “giving game” from the heart, this giver still receives joy.
Think about it…
The true giver can never be robbed. The true giver “owns” nothing to be robbed of to begin with. Remember, to be a true giver, one must be in a state of total appreciation for everything they have with no expectations. They are playing the game of “I have nothing to lose, I have nothing to gain. I only have my choice to appreciate what is shared with me this moment.”
How can anyone rob a true giver of anything if a true giver is playing the game of “having nothing?”
“Oh, this person didn’t want what I had to offer? That’s OK! I still feel good. I don’t need them to accept my gift to feel the joy of giving. I
t’s my willingness to give that fills me with gratitude, not their reception of what I give.”
“Givers and receivers” can only give, and in turn, be receiving. There is never a disappointment or resentment among “givers and receivers.”
If you ever give and feel resentful about not getting anything in return…
If you ever give and feel pissed off someone didn’t acknowledge you…
If you ever give and feel anything but joy and gratitude when the other person throws the gift back in your face…
You weren’t really totally playing the “true” giving game which is “give and receive” without expectation, rather you were playing the mind’s bullshit version of “give and take.” #DontWorryItsNormal #JustMeansYouAreHuman
While I said those who don’t receive “rob” from those trying to give, this is both true and false. You can only rob from yourself the feeling of appreciation when you expect another to give you appreciation and it’s not given. Only “givers and takers” can take from other “givers and takers.” A “giver and taker” cannot rob joy from those who choose to feel joy and appreciation for everything that shows up in life.
If you hold no expectations that anyone owes you anything, you’ll feel joy and appreciation every time you attempt to give regardless of whether or not the gift is received.
No one else actually “robs you” of joy. Joy is your choice, remember? Gratitude is your choice, remember? To receive by giving is your choice, remember? It’s always your choice.
No one else robs you of any of these feelings, except when you’ve chosen to go play the game of “give and take” with them. Then you make the agreement, the mutual decision, the collective choice, to rob from them and have them rob from you. Then you could say, “They robbed me of the joy of giving!” And you’d be right, because you’ve chosen to play that game. You had chosen to play the game of “give and take” and opened yourself up to being taken.
But you don’t have to keep playing that game. You can remember it’s just a game, and you can choose to quit it at any time. Your mind will attempt to pull you back in that game, and you might fall for it on occasion, but do you remember the way to remind yourself of the heart’s “giving game?” How do you give anything to yourself if not but to give to another? It may be “easier said than done” at first, but doesn’t this just mean you need to do and practice it more?
Break Through Your BS_Uncover Your Brain's Blind Spots and Unleash Your Inner Greatness Page 14
