If it’s the former, that’s a fixed mindset that wants the answer now. But how can one be on a search for truth if they feel they already know it all? Isn’t that… pride?
The idea that you don’t know what you don’t know can spur a childlike curiosity. I don’t need to teach you how to do this. I’m really only reminding you that you have this within you. Do you choose to go back to the way you were? Do you choose to be a “big baby” that’s curious about learning how to walk instead of a big baby that whines about not having everything all figured out right now?
The moment you have an answer, you can either settle with the answer or be stimulated to ask a new question. One great question for any answer is, “Is this always true?” Each new answer brings with it a whole new set of questions. The question is, are you more concerned with rightness or greatness? Pride leads to wanting to be right and be seen as great, while meekness is the attribute of those who are truly great.
The meek are not weak, but rather those with great power under restraint who don’t let it go to their heads and need to show it off. They are willing to show and demonstrate their greatness to others to inspire and make an impact, but they are also willing to restrain it if it’s for the greater good in that moment. They are grateful for their knowledge because at any moment it could be taken. They are grateful not just for what they’ve learned, but for what they may continue to learn; continue to learn not just for their own benefit, but to serve others. They are humble, modest, teachable, grateful, giving, courageous, caring, curious, and willing.
There are many different answers for “what” you may do, and rarely is one answer always the right answer. However, if instead of asking “What do I do?” you start with “How do I intend to be?” this can lead to far better decisions.
Do you intend to be proud or meek?
If you intend to be meek, might it not be wise to study others who demonstrate this quality, such as great leaders like Gandhi and Martin Luther King? Would it be wise to surround yourself with people who have great power and knowledge but who keep it under restraint and use it only for good as role models? Would it be wise to actually practice meekness rather than intellectualize it and just talk about it?
My answer is damn straight it would be. This book is just a reminder of how to find answers. It’s up to you to seek them out and keep seeking them out. All the while, you should be continuously asking, “What’s my lesson here? What else can I discover? What does this mean? Why? How? When is this true? When is it not true? How can I do this even better? What’s another way? Why did this work for them? What’s the same or similar with these things? What’s different and a key distinction between these things?”
Lessons feed you more than successes. Be hungrier for lessons more than for successes, and you’ll never stop growing. Improvement is the ultimate accomplishment achieved by those who make feedback matter more than the failure they must endure to get it.
The problem for many people is they think their problem is the problem. Whatever you say your problem is, isn’t the real problem. If it were, you would have already solved it.
“I don’t know what to do to achieve my goal.” – That’s not the problem. The problem is that you haven’t gone to the library to read a book on this or gotten a coach or a mentor. Or the problem is that you really do know what to do but are scared that you don’t have all the answers and fear making a mistake, and therefore you don’t know how to redirect your thinking. Or the problem is that if you do this, you’re worried people might think that you’re stupid, and that would be embarrassing, and therefore you need to find a suitable way of meeting your need for connection and approval that doesn’t hinder you achieving your goal.
“I know what to do but I can’t get myself to do it because I’m unmotivated.” – That’s not the problem, the problem is that you’re ignorant about human psychology and need to study how to work with your psychology rather than against it. Or the problem is that you don’t realize you can start by making gradual adjustments instead of making drastic changes. Or the problem is that you are making gradual adjustments, and it would be easier if you DID dive into it head first. Or the problem is that you’re intellectualizing what to do and haven’t learned how to get into your heart to care enough about something outside of yourself that will enable you to overcome your fears.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer, as you can see here, and we all have our blind spots. This is why even I have coaches. I get caught up in “I don’t know,” and they dig deeper to help me see the “real” problem.
Let’s look at what might be considered a big problem, and that is not even knowing what one wants. Not even being able to say, “This is my problem.” Instead, it’s more like, “Something is off, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what’s wrong, or even what I want. I know my problem isn’t the problem, because I don’t even know what my problem is!”
“I don’t know what my problem is. I have no goal. I don’t know what I want or don’t want, and that’s a problem.”
No, not having a goal or a clear vision isn’t a problem. You feeling like you need to know what to do right now is the problem. What’s wrong with the excitement and adventure of figuring out what you want? Essentially, you already answered that you want to gain clarity. Gaining clarity can be achieved by trying new things, reading books, hanging out with people who may inspire you, and so on. To gain clarity starts with being OK with confusion and letting it stimulate your curiosity to ask:
If I did know what I want, what would it be?
If I did know a place to start looking for answers, where would it be?
What if I try this thing that’s been in the back of my mind calling me for a while?
What’s something else I can do out of the ordinary that may give me even more clarity?
Can I allow myself to be OK with not having answers but simply with sitting with the questions of life for a while?
What if being unclear is the exact catalyst you need to gain greater clarity through curiosity?
Here’s a newsflash. Even the most well put together and successful people don’t always know what they want or what their next big thing is. Even the most successful people have times of uncertainty and darkness. It’s because of their ability to go into darkness, be OK with it, and move through it that they’re successful. Strong people aren’t strong because they don’t experience weakness, they’re strong precisely because they’re willing to endure weakness at times by challenging themselves with resistance.
Uncertainty is the resistance that must be endured for a breakthrough of newfound answers.
Failure and wrongness are simply opportunities for new learning. Maybe you did everything right, and it was just the wrong timing, so now you’ve learned a lesson about timing. Maybe you did everything right, and it just didn’t work out because of bad luck. It happens. Regardless, there’s always a lesson.
If you don’t know the lesson, then does that make you uncomfortable, want to place blame, and make someone “wrong?” Or, if you don’t know the lesson, does this just make you even hungrier to dig deeper and go, “What could the lesson be? How can I make this into something for my growth and benefit proactively? Who might have an insight, show me something I’m not seeing, and help me see my blind spots?”
“I don’t know,” and that’s exactly what’s right! This is growth mindset.
Do you choose to make “I don’t know” the right answer?
What if being great isn’t always a matter of constantly doing great things, but rather being OK with not doing great things while you discover how to unleash even more of your greatness?
You’re Awesome… But Don’t Let It Go To Your Head
Growth mindset entails a willingness to see failures as feedback. It entails seeing old discoveries simply as catalysts for new discoveries. It is the process of expansion and evolution that is the way of nature. It requires a humility and willingness to let go of pride. P
ride that yearns to always be right, settle with an answer, and rest complacently in one’s current state of success.
Yet there’s another part, which is recognizing your inherent greatness, your rightness, your successfulness, and ultimately your greatest potential. Recognizing your “True Self.” Recognizing your inner badass, if you will.
You have to see that you have greatness within you if you wish to unleash more of it. This is called “unleash your greatness,” after all and not “make yourself great eventually over time if you’re lucky and all the stars and planets align and I hope you picked the right parents because not everyone’s genetically gifted for it and oops you messed it up already with that thing you did that one night that you hope no one finds out about better luck next life.”
“I’m great.” Appreciation or pride?
You see the dilemma?
How can you praise yourself, acknowledge yourself when you are right, dare I say be proud of your accomplishments, and yet not have pride?
The answer is…
You can’t.
You will experience pride. There is actually no choice in this matter. You don’t have to stay in pride, but to think “I’m above ever being proud. I got this whole pride thing handled, and it’s never going to be an issue for me cause I’m totally badass at being humble,” would be, well… pride!
So ask yourself, if pride isn’t necessarily a “bad” thing because nothing is good or bad out of context, then how might pride actually be a benefit? What if pride can help you grow? What if pride actually can, potentially, help you be more humble?
It’s through overcoming the resistance of vices that one cultivates and strengthens virtues.
In this sense, even vices aren’t “good” or “bad.” They’re only an issue if you fall and remain victim to them. But to have pride creep up on you and pull you towards complacency is, in itself, simply an opportunity – an opportunity to make a choice. Do I give into the pride I’m feeling, or do I acknowledge it and keep moving towards growth and meekness?
This is what’s meant when people give a compliment and say, “But don’t let it go to your head.” In other words, don’t let it inflate your ego too much so that the ego takes over. In a sense, your ego isn’t bad or something to be avoided. It’s impossible to eliminate your ego, so don’t even try. It simply needs to be balanced with something greater than your ego, your “True Self,” if you will.
This is important because those who pride themselves on saying, “I’m smart!” “I’m awesome!” “I’m great!” run the risk of getting caught up in those things and sabotaging their own success with their positive affirmations. Their positivity backfires. Visualizing successful outcomes has even been shown to lead to over-confidence and less success. (See bonus video at BreakThroughYourBS.com/Bonus)
And yet, at the same time, the recognition that you’re great seems to be needed to have the confidence to pursue great things. We do want to positively affirm ourselves. We do want to see that a great outcome is a possibility. We do want to believe in our current greatness and that even more great things are in store for us.
Those who say, “I pretty much totally suck at life, and it’s hopeless for things to get better,” may be technically more “modest,” but it’s obviously not going to get them anywhere. They’ll give up before they even get started.
What’s the difference between someone who says, “I’m great!” and lets it go to their head and sabotage their success vs. someone who says “I’m great!” and uses that as a positive affirmation for spurring even more success?
The question is, where is this statement coming from? What else is it balanced with? What is the sub-context behind it? It’s critical that you stop taking things at the surface level and dig deeper if you wish to be wise and effective.
If I say, “I’m right, AND I’m wrong.” I’m balanced. I’m whole. I recognize that I’m right at times and wrong at times. I’m likely “right” about some things I believe right now, but I also recognize that I have blind spots and am pretty much guaranteed to be “wrong” about some things I believe. I know, and I don’t know. I’m awesome, and I have a lot of work to do on myself.
It’s “whole picture” thinking. It’s Yin and Yang harmonizing each other. It’s pretty much what this whole book is about.
Remember, if you wish to remain strong and are unwilling to be weak, you’ll never get stronger. If you can’t let go of being “great,” you may never be even greater. One must let go of what they desire, if only for a moment, to get it. To enter into weakness in order to enter into even more strength.
Yet if you wish to remain weak, or believe you’re too weak to even try, you’ll also never get stronger. You must have the desire for strength to pursue it and endure the pain that comes with cultivating it. You must realize you have some strength that exists within you now before you even attempt to pick up a dumbbell to get even stronger.
You must see the movement, the dynamic that exists in all things to be effective. Appreciating the universe is about expansion and contraction. Energy in motion. Nothing is fixed, everything is moving. The attempt to remain in a particular state or with a particular identity is like a clock that is stuck at one point in time because the clock said, “Oh, this is the right time, so I’m just going to stay here forever.”
This is critical to appreciate when you think about your mood. That is, your emotional and physical state, which I’ll simply refer to as “state.” Remember this…
States don’t stick.
If you’re in a bad mood, you can change it. You can: Move your body. Smile. Do a fist pump and say, “Hell yeah, baby!!” Dance. Put on good music. Use empowering language that shows where you have choice and reframes a situation. Ask yourself quality questions like, “What am I grateful for? How can I turn this situation into something that’s beneficial?”
The fact that your state is so important and that it’s constantly fluctuating is why I’m such a big advocate of health and fitness. Your physical health affects how you think and feel. Nothing in this book matters if you’re so unhealthy and brain dead that you can’t act upon it or think clearly about it. Many people would solve a lot of their problems if they just got more sleep and didn’t treat their bodies like shit.
Your state affects your ability to discover answers. If you see questions in this book, and your brain starts to go, “Durrr, I don’t know,” then you’re too brain-fried in the moment to get creative and empowering answers and be effective. Change your state, and then come back to the questions.
A poor state doesn’t just affect the answers you get, it affects how you approach any situation and what you get out of it.
I was at a seminar once where I needed to pay $5 if I wanted to get in the room because I showed up late after a break. I started to feel upset about this, but then I asked myself, “If I go into the room too upset to even pay attention to the lessons I paid thousands of dollars to get because I “lost” $5, isn’t that silly? Aren’t I just compounding my loss by adding the cost of a poor state to a meager financial loss? If I’m paying $1 per minute to be here, and I let ten minutes go by grumbling to myself about the $5 loss, and not even paying attention to what’s going on, then wouldn’t I be choosing to take from myself $10 worth of this experience?”
I used this type of mental reframing to proactively choose to be in a better state because I know there’s a serious cost to being in a poor state – the cost is losing out on the experience of appreciating what’s showing up in life right now.
You can reframe any situation like this to improve your state. Shit happens, so do I want to add more shit to the shit by being in a poor state, which is basically me robbing from my own happiness? Or would I prefer to keep my state high since that’s one thing I do have control over?
If life gives you shit, don’t give a shit. Adding your own shit to the shit you’ve been given leads to a really shitty life.
But Derek… I thought you said you
can’t “not” give a shit. I thought you said we are going to give at least a little bit of a shit, so this makes “don’t give a shit” contradictory. Aren’t we confusing the readers at this point?
Thank you for sharing mind. I trust the readers can see beyond the surface at this point. It’s technically true from one perspective we’re pretty much guaranteed to give a shit when life throws shit our way. It’s natural and human. Sometimes things are made simple for brevity, but one must still consider what’s implied with a statement. In this case, we will almost always still give a shit regardless of whether or not it makes sense to or not, so the key is to reframe the situation to give more of a shit about something else.
It’s important to be considerate of your state when making decisions, as choices are primarily based on emotions. The good news is, you can choose to change your emotional state, and therefore, in a sense, proactively choose what kind of “emotional decisions” you make.
It’s unwise to ask if I want to work out after hours of Netflix binging. I’ll be at rest and want to stay at rest, possibly getting up only to grab some more ice cream. It makes more sense to get up, dance for a couple minutes, get the blood flowing and my body moving, and then ask, “So can I go do that workout now?” Think your answer is going to be different by putting a quick-fix dance session in between Netflixing and question-asking? You can bet your bottom dollar it does.
Do a fist pump and jumping jacks in the middle of a crowd, and look like an idiot if this is what it takes to save yourself from making a devastating, critical decision simply due to a poor state.
If you’re looking for an order of priorities when deciding what to do, it’s this:
What am I being asked to do by The Creator or a “Higher Power?” What do I already know is right to do now?
Break Through Your BS_Uncover Your Brain's Blind Spots and Unleash Your Inner Greatness Page 20
