by Nadirah Foxx
As the memory faded, I reached out my hand as if I could hold onto it. I wished he was still able to come home to me.
“Kerrie, I ordered from…” Josh said as he entered the room. “Kerrie!”
He rushed over to me. I was curled up on the carpet, clutching the garment to my chest like it was a teddy bear.
“Hey, hey, hey. Let me do this.” Carefully, he tried to remove the sweater out of my hand.
But I latched onto it, unwilling to let him take it from me. “No. I want to keep it.”
“Okay.” He stopped the useless endeavor. “We’ll figure out what stuff you’re taking with you after we eat. Can we leave it up here for now?”
I nodded, but the tears wouldn’t stop. “This is so damn unfair.”
Josh wrapped his arms around me. “I know it is.”
He really didn’t know. I sat back, dried my face, and looked up at my friend. “Ryan knew something was going to happen to him.”
“What are you talking about?” Josh’s forehead furrowed.
“Debbie showed me a video Ryan recorded. I haven’t seen the whole thing, but I saw enough. He was preparing for something bad.”
Josh leaned against the wall. “I guess that explains a few things.”
I blinked a few times. “Like?”
“Ryan contacted me about a week before the shooting. He’d changed his will, and he wanted to make sure I could provide for RJ. I thought it weird but allowed him to go over my finances. The day before it happened, I noticed a large deposit from Ryan.”
Suddenly, I was light-headed and too warm. Being in that room…in that house…with Josh felt wrong. I needed air. Badly. I jumped to my feet and ran for the stairs. Unfortunately, my friend was right behind me.
When I twisted the front doorknob and tugged, it wouldn’t budge. Josh blocked me from opening it.
“Let me out! Now!”
“No, Kerrie.” He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me against him. “Tell me what you’re upset about.”
“Ryan knew he was going to die, and he didn’t tell me! What the fuck was he working on that was so damn dangerous?” The tears returned and pooled in my eyes, making it difficult to see, but I still wanted out. Maybe if I ran… Or punched the hell out of someone, I’d feel better.
“We’ll find out. But not like this, Kerrie. You’re going to get hurt—or worst.”
“I don’t care!”
If Ryan knew he was in trouble, he should have told me. I wouldn’t have allowed him to pick up RJ that night. I could have had a squad car stationed in front of the house. I could have done something…anything!
Josh said near my ear, “You do. You’re just upset.”
The doorbell rang, and my friend had a dilemma. Either open the door for the pizza guy and risk me running out or let the man walk away. Josh grasped my hand and opened the door with his free one.
A pimply-faced kid, wearing a green Papa’s Pizza T-shirt, stood on the porch holding an insulated red bag. “That’ll be twenty-eight fifty.”
Rather than let me go, Josh motioned for me to take the box while he pulled a fifty-dollar bill from his jeans pocket. “Keep the change.”
I took the food into the kitchen and placed it on the table beside a six-pack of beer. I sat down and stared out the window. Josh came in and removed two bottles, sliding one in front of me.
“Talk to me, Kerrie. What were you thinking just now?”
“You should have let me go,” I said defiantly and reached for the beer.
Josh opened the box. “To do what? Punch out a tombstone?”
My gaze whipped to him. “Why would you say a stupid-ass thing like that?”
“How is that any dumber than beating the shit out of a couple of teens?” He lifted his hand before I could respond. “I got a call the other night. One of the officers on duty near the stadium said he spoke to you.”
“The boys were assaulting a woman.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was told.” Josh pushed the loaded pizza—pepperoni, mushrooms, black olives, onions, green peppers, and ham—toward me. “You might be interested to know the kids didn’t press charges.”
“They didn’t?” I feigned surprise. Honestly, I didn’t think their pride would let them even go to the police about the incident.
Josh lifted an eyebrow and gave me a look that said he saw past my bullshit. “When the cop showed them your picture, they admitted it looked like the person responsible.” He pointed to my hand and stated, “So, that’s what happened to your knuckles and face?”
I stuffed pizza into my mouth.
“Kerrie, I’m worried about you.” He peeled the label from the beer bottle—something he did when he worried too much. “I’m not suggesting you talk to Dr. Upton, but maybe you should speak to someone.”
Swallowing the food, I said, “Why? Am I supposed to be happy after losing my family?”
“Of course not, but—”
“Those boys were assaulting a woman,” I stated. “I kept her from being mistreated or worse. Is that wrong?”
“No, but you took a risk. What if they had had weapons?”
“But they didn’t,” I countered and continued eating.
Josh worked his mouth as if he was about to say something, but he didn’t. He just turned the bottle up to his lips and sucked down the contents.
We sat there in silence—eating and drinking—for what felt like hours. When I couldn’t take another second of the quiet, I asked, “How did you leave things at the precinct?”
He sighed. “I put in for a leave of absence. The department’s been swamped with cases, so I was prepared for a battle with the captain.”
“He didn’t give you one, did he?”
“No. He wholeheartedly agreed upon it. Hell, I could have saved my excuse.”
“Which was?”
“I told him you needed my help. You’d planned on selling the house, and you had to handle business details with Sentinel.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He reached for the last slice. “Will you let me take care of you? Whether you want to admit it or not, you need me.”
“I do, but not like you think. I’m not helpless.” I pushed to my feet and began gathering up our mess.
Josh stood and blocked my path to the trash can. “I never said you were, but you’ve been through a life-changing event. Anyone in your shoes would need to lean on someone.”
I stalked around him. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want to lean on anyone, especially you!”
He tossed the bottles into the can and walked up to me. “What the hell does that mean?”
I studied his beautiful face and wished things were different. Years ago, before I fell for Ryan, I thought about what it would have been like to have Josh as a boyfriend. He was so kind and considerate, but he was also my best friend. I didn’t want to jeopardize that. I still didn’t.
“You are my best friend. You’re my rock, my port in a storm… You are my world. I can’t lose that. I won’t lose you.”
“Who said anything about losing—”
“That will happen.” I sighed and averted my eyes. “Josh, you told me how you felt. If we acted on that emotion, we’d ruin a great relationship.”
Wrong choice of words.
His finger traced my jaw and ended beneath my chin. Slowly, he forced my head up until our gaze met. A lazy smile spread across his face. “Or we’d make a great one even better.”
Damn. Why did I say we? “Josh…”
“Stop worrying. I’m not about to kiss you or anything. I was going to suggest you finish up here, and I’ll drop off a load at Sentinel. I can call Debbie to let me into your apartment. Be back in an hour.”
“That sounds good.” It would give me a chance to tag what items I could sell or donate. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Being the friend I need right now.”
“Any time.” He kissed my forehead and then walked to
the door.
Packing up my dream home was difficult. The worst moment came when I had to put together RJ’s things. It was something I couldn’t do—not alone. So, I pulled out my phone and called the one person who would happily do it.
“Hey, Mom,” I said wearily.
“I wondered when I’d hear from you,” she started. “Gertrude King called me earlier. That woman has a mouth on her. I swear I had to put her in her place.”
I stifled a laugh. “Well, I’m sure she deserved it.”
“She had a lot of nerve implying you were responsible for what happened to Ryan and RJ. Imagine that? The woman must have taken leave of the good senses God gave her.” Mom sighed. “You know, Kerrie Ann, I’ve never liked her. Too damn snooty. Walking around in her designer suits like she’s the queen. I swear you’d think that last name made her royalty or something.” Mom took a quick breath and continued, “I definitely didn’t appreciate her insinuating that shoddy parenting produced a woman like you.”
“Mom.”
She didn’t hear me.
“I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. Absolutely proud of you. Your father, God rest his soul, would have been proud too. I bet he’s looking down from Heaven with a smile on his face right now. You’ve been through a hell of a lot.”
I felt the first inkling of a headache beginning. “Mom.”
“I’m just saying she didn’t have to be so nasty to me. Such rudeness is unforgivable. And threatening me with her lawyer. She’s not the only one who can hire a—”
“Mom, please,” I practically shouted. “I need you to come to the house tonight.” My voice cracked. “I can’t go through RJ’s things on my own.”
My mother’s tone turned apologetic. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Listen to me rattling on, and you need me. Every girl needs her mother, but no one should have to pack away her dead baby’s… Oh, there I go again. Forgive me?”
“Mom, it’s okay. Just come as soon as you can.”
“I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes. Have you eaten yet? I can bring you something to eat. Would you like some cake? I made a pound cake—”
“The cake would be lovely, Mom. See you soon.” I disconnected the call and had a seat on the stairs.
And that was why I hadn’t called her. Not that I didn’t love her or want her help. My mother overexaggerated everything. She also could talk a mile a minute. I knew it for a fact. I clocked her once with a timer I used for track.
16
Time Won’t Heal Everything
Up until that moment, the hardest thing I did was bury my husband and son. It didn’t prepare me, however, for the agony of packing away our child’s belongings. Everything I touched had a memory. From the crib that Ryan and I spent weeks shopping for to the first pair of booties I knitted myself. Every item evoked an image that burned itself in my mind.
As I ran my fingers over the careful stitches of a yellow blanket my mother made for RJ, it became too much to deal with. My hand shook, and the tears fell. Again.
“Kerrie Ann.” Mom wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Aw, honey. Let me take care of this for you. I promise I won’t throw out a thing. I’ll pack everything up and put it the garage.”
“Can you take my memories with you?” I muttered.
She relieved me of the blanket, folded it, and laid it in a box filled with tissue paper. “No, I can’t. But honestly, I don’t think you’d want me to. You have to remember the good times as well as the bad. Sane people don’t get a choice in the matter.”
I glanced up and took a hard look at my mother. Since Dad’s passing, Mom had done an admirable job of keeping herself up. She was a swimmer and went to the gym for fitness classes. She kept her golden-blonde hair meticulously dyed and styled. Mom always wore makeup and never left the house without looking her best. But none of that hid the grief shining in her eyes. Losing RJ was hard on her too. He was her first grandchild. My brother, Jeremy, lived in France and had yet to marry anyone. Mom had loved my child as if he were her own.
“Sit down, Kerrie Ann. There’s something you should know.”
I sat on the rocker near the corner. “What, Mom?”
She took a seat on the floor—something I’d never seen her do before. “Before your brother was born, your father and I had another son.”
My eyes widened.
“We never told you two about Eddie. He looked just like your father when he was a baby.”
“What happened?”
“He had a rare disease.” Mom paused for a moment or two and then blew air through her cheeks. “Eddie was only with us eighteen months. He died right before Jeremy was born.”
“Oh, Mom…” What else could I say? I knew nothing about this other brother—my oldest brother. There were no pictures. There were no home movies. Neither parent ever said a word about him. As far as I knew, there wasn’t even a grave site to visit.
Her mouth twisted as she blinked back her own tears. “I’m telling you this not for you to feel bad for me. You have to know, my sweet child, that a mother doesn’t ever get over the loss of a child. We’re not meant to go before our offspring. But when it happens, it hurts deeply. I will always carry a spot in my heart for Eddie.”
“Why haven’t I seen pictures of him?”
She swallowed hard. “Because I couldn’t bear seeing them. We never threw them out. What we chose to keep is in a box in the attic.”
My chest ached. Not just for my loss, but for Mom and Dad’s too. Knowing they’d experienced the same pain I had made me wish we’d sat down sooner. Instead of distancing myself from family and loved ones, I should have been clinging to them. My mother had much to teach me about healing and recovering after losing a child and a husband.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
Her eyebrows squished together. “For what?”
“When Dad died, I thought you were just being dramatic. I didn’t understand the pain you experienced until it happened to me,” I admitted.
Slowly, she nodded. “Why do you think I never called you out on it? Not that I knew you’d lose Ryan this early in life. No one can ever know something like that, but there’s always the likelihood that we women outlive our spouses. That was also why I didn’t pester you about taking care of the house.” Mom gave me a sad smile. “When your Dad died, thankfully I had your brother to help me.”
“He did?” That was news to me. “How? He barely stuck around after the funeral.”
“Because he had his own life to live. But Jeremy called me every day. He took care of your father’s final business affairs too. Even now, if I need something, Jeremy doesn’t hesitate to pitch in.”
Wow. And I thought my brother was an asshole for focusing on his life. The last time we saw each other I told him I thought he should move back to Liberty City for Mom’s sake. I guessed I owed him an apology.
“Mom—” My phone buzzed. I pulled it from my pocket and saw Josh’s name. I swiped left and answered the call. “Yeah?”
“I just unloaded everything in the storage room at Sentinel. Debbie is gone for the day. Did you want me to hang around or come back for you?”
Good question. Mom was with me, but she had to get back home. I didn’t want her toting boxes in the dark. “Would you mind coming to the house? Mom’s here. She could use some help getting RJ’s things to her place.”
“Not a problem. I planned on keeping the van overnight.”
“Why?”
“Did you forget about your furniture? I contacted a few friends. We’ll move everything in the morning.”
“Thanks, Josh.”
“Tell your mom I’ll be there in about twenty minutes. I can follow her home and then come back for you.”
I started to tell him he could forget about me, but I didn’t want to be alone in the house any longer than I had to. I could leave with him, so he wouldn’t have to make two trips.
“See you soon,” I said and disconnected the call. “We better hurry up and finish. Josh is goi
ng to help with the boxes.” I extended my hand and helped my mom to her feet.
She smiled. “I’ve always liked that man. He was such a good kid.”
I kept my opinion to myself. My parents never knew about the havoc Josh caused his family or the shit he got into at school. That was probably because, for some reason, he was always on his best behavior around Mom and Dad.
My mother began pulling RJ’s clothing from a drawer. “I know it’s too soon for you to even entertain the idea, but don’t let that man get away from you.”
“Mother!” I said, feigning shock.
“Don’t use that tone with me. You’re far too young to spend your life as a widow. One day, you’re going to wake up and want a man beside you. The nights can get really long and very dull without someone else in your bed.”
My face heated. I shoved to my feet and raced over to the closet, trying to hide my embarrassment. As I pulled out the contents, I said, “Josh and I are just friends.”
“And friendship makes a wonderful start to any relationship,” she stated. “I think I saw a roll of packing tape in the kitchen. I’ll be back.”
Who else was going to jump on the get-with-Josh bandwagon?
Mom and I finished sealing the boxes right before he arrived. Most of them were piled in the foyer when he entered the house.
He whistled. “Remind me to never ask you to pack. You do realize I could have brought these downstairs?”
My mother walked up and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “It’s always good to see you, Joshua.” She glanced over her shoulder and winked at me. “Besides, Kerrie Ann and I were more than capable of moving some old boxes.”
Josh chuckled and began taking the load to the van.
I started to pick up a box when Mom clasped my elbow. “No, sweetheart. Let the man do it. We can watch him work or have a glass of wine while we wait.”
I definitely should have reached out to her sooner.
17
Crime on the Rise
Having Josh’s help with the boxes proved to be a good thing. As soon as we pulled onto Mom’s street, blue and red lights greeted us. Two squad cars were parked in front of a neighbor’s house. Josh jumped out and ran over to an officer. Minutes later, he returned with the pertinent details.
