“Well, how about Friday? Six P.M.?”
“Friday? This is Tuesday!”
“I know, but I want it to be nice.”
Fred frowned, “Why, Vinnie? I mean, why are you inviting me to dinner? What is this about?”
Vinnie turned her face toward her thinking chair. “Well, I’ll . . . I’ll tell you then . . . if you have time.”
“Alright, Vinnie. Friday at six o’clock.”
Vinnie didn’t want to let his voice go, let him go and let the emptiness return. “Unless you have a . . . date.”
“I said I’ll be there.”
Vinnie held on to the voice a little longer. “Fred . . . are you still mad at me?”
“I never was mad, Vinnie. I was . . . tired. It’s been almost three years.”
“I know, Fred, I know. I miss you. I mean . . . I miss talkin to you.”
“Talking?”
Vinnie, even alone, blushed. “I’ll have everything, dinner, ready Friday. Six o’clock.”
Now, Fred didn’t want to let her voice go, wanted to hold on a little longer. “Your man gonna let you have dinner with another man, alone?”
Vinnie had to laugh softly, “Oh, yes. Men are just waitin outside in line to have dinner with me. Is your lady gonna let you come alone, over here, I mean.”
There was humor in his voice as he said, “I’ll see if I can’t make all of em understand that we are just old friends.”
“Old friends?”
Humor gone, Fred said, “What else are we, Vinnie?”
“You’re right, Fred. And good old friends are hard to find.”
“That’s real!”
“Well, see you Friday, Fred.”
“Still giving me Fridays, Vinnie?”
“We can make it . . . next week.”
“No, no, Vinnie. This Friday is fine. I’ll see you then.”
They said their good-byes and Fred leaned back in his squeaky leather armchair while Vinnie stood there looking at the phone trying to see Fred in a voice memory. These two people! His whole day changed, all of a sudden the day looked good. But not too good. “What does she want to talk to me about? Is she marrying somebody else?” Then his day went down, a little.
All the rest of the week Vinnie walked on air and hot coals at the same time. She didn’t know what to cook, how to serve it to make it special, what to wear, what to nothing! She had three days to plan and get it all together. “And my hair! My fingernails, my everything! What tablecloth? My dishes. Ohhhhhh!”
Then she sat down and played his voice over again in her mind. Over and over again. She found it so hard to realize he was actually coming to her house this Friday. He wasn’t married . . . yet! She thought of that first and last night at his house; his kisses, the way he held her, his smile, his voice. Her body trembled from the emotions she felt. It was not a sexual emotion. It was a feeling of love. Three years stronger. Strong enough for a lifetime. But, was his love still strong for her? Her heart was still outside flailing in the misty fog.
Well, you know all the things she did getting ready for that Friday. That Friday. Friday. She took a day off from work! First time ever! She spent the day at the secondhand stores. Vinnie found a real nice damask tablecloth, which when washed and gently starched looked rather grand as it fell in soft folds around her kitchen table turned dining room table. The two tarnished, slightly cracked candlesticks, cleaned and polished, looked elegant since there would be only candlelight shining on them. They, finally, created a lovely, rosy glow over everything. She bought two place settings of delicate china and two settings of matched silverware that winked brightly in the glow of the many candles she had placed around the room.
“I have no fireplace, so these burnin candles will have to do.”
She didn’t have much money left, but she divided it between food and flowers. She bought tulips to put in the slightly chipped crystal vase sitting in the middle of the table between the gleaming candlesticks, candlelight flickering over the delicately colored, beautiful flower petals. Now!
The house, of course, was clean as clean can be. And she had bought a black wool dress which showed her long, lean legs beneath the knee-length hem. A string of imitation pearls, good as new, from the secondhand store would be around her neck. She could not afford a pair of pretty new shoes. She happened to pass an Asian store with Chinese slippers in the window at a very low price. She bought a black pair of backless slippers that were velvet and had no design on them. “They’re delicately pretty and would also be comfortable to serve in, runnin back and forth to the kitchen,” she thought. She was going to look lovely, even beautiful, because there was so much life and beauty in her eyes.
Friday, she was bathed, deodorized, powdered, lotioned, cologned and dressed at 5:00 o’clock P.M. She had just checked the food. A whole fresh fish was waiting to be placed in the broiler. She lifted the double-boiler top that held the mashed potatoes sprinkled with parsley. String beans with slivered almonds (asparagus were priced too high). Fresh baked bread, the chilled butter was in the refrigerator. A fresh green salad waited to be tossed and a lemon meringue pie, homemade, sat atop the stove with golden-brown spires atop the meringue. Iced tea, iced beer or iced water were the only choices she had.
At five-thirty o’clock, Vinnie walked round and round the dining table and room, looking over her evening setting, thinking, “Why, this is beautiful! Why don’t I do things like this for myself more often? Why should I wait to do it for somebody else?” Then she sat by her window, looking for her eagle. Outside, her soul was hovering near the window, waiting to come in.
At the correct time she heard a car pull up to her curb and knew it was him. She sat still and waited until he rang the bell. Then, for some inexplicable reason she felt anger in her heart. Brushing the very thought aside, she took a deep breath . . . and went to the door.
Thinking about, silently praying for, her future.
Fred, bright and smiling, stood at the door dressed in his finest. He came in with his eyes lighting up at the sight of the candles and the lovely dinner set up, the smell of good food cooking. And, then, Vinnie, the loveliest sight of all to him. He sighed, shook his head in wonder and thought, “Vinnie.” He reached for her to hug her and she stepped into his arms and right back out again.
“Hello, Fred. My, you look well. Let me take your hat and coat.”
He moved automatically, she was going so smooth and fast. Then he realized, knowing her, she must be nervous because of his presence.
“Now you just have a seat and I’ll check on my dinner and get you a glass of iced tea or a beer?”
He smiled as he chose a chair close to her. “Well, give me a minute to look at you and say ‘hello.’ You are looking well and very good! And very beautiful.”
Nervous, pleased and self-conscious, Vinnie went to hang up his things. A radio played softly as she came back with a glass of chilled beer. He held an arm out toward her, but she took his hand, then set down beside him. She petted his hand and began to make small talk about his work and health. He relaxed into her mood, thinking, “If this is the way she wants to do it . . . alright. I’ll wait until later to kiss my woman like I want to.”
In a moment, Vinnie went back to the kitchen to check on the food. All the thinking of her love for Fred as she had gone about the business of preparing for this dinner had ended. Now, she was full of confusion and even anger. She still loved Fred, but less. Her mind was not clear why.
As Fred waited, feeling very at ease and pleasant sipping his beer in the softly lighted living room combined dining room tonight, Vinnie was in the kitchen thinking.
Her loneliness warred with her anger at Fred for being able to walk away from her for almost three years, all over some money. “I was the one workin for my children . . . not him. I don’t understand if he could love me, he could let that stop our plans. I wish I had forgotten him. I wish I had never found out about his thrill for me. Our love musta not been meant to be. He sure
ain’t been lookin back or thinkin about me.”
She turned down fires and stirred a pot or two. “Why do I still love him? He didn’t do nothin but make my life more empty than it was before. And the nights I spent layin in that bed without sleep or cryin myself to sleep! Prayin! Prayin for that man! And now I have invited that man to dinner and spent all this money. For him! I sure must be a fool!” She stood thinking a moment, then answered her own question. “Cause I’m alone . . . that’s why. Alone. Even the eagle ain’t there every day.” After another moment, she put a smile on her face and returned to Fred, who happened to be looking alone himself.
And so the dinner went. She served him and he truly enjoyed the food over the small talk. Then things were smoothly cleared away and he sat on the sofa again, happy, full and smiling. When she sat beside him, at last, she took his hand in her own and her entire first rehearsed speech had disappeared and another, unrehearsed, was in its place.
Fred smiled, very relaxed now, with her voluntarily placing her hand in his, and said, “Come on, baby, tell daddy. Well, tell me, if you ain’t sure I’m your daddy . . . cause I am, you know. Come on, tell me. What did you want to talk about? I’m ready to hear you, cause I want to get to more important things because, you know, I love you.”
Vinnie sat back in the corner of the sofa, pulled her legs up on their sides under her and tucked her dress around them. She smiled a small smile. She wasn’t too sure she was doing the right thing because she did love him. She took a deep breath and started, “Well, the first thing is I want to give you your telephone back. I have bought one of my own and put it in my name.”
“Oh, Vinnie, you didn’t have to spend your money like that. I know you are trying to help your kids.”
“My . . . children are now on their own . . . except for Delores’ college tuition and she is in her last year. She is getting a part-time job through her college.”
Fred leaned back and smiled, satisfied with Vinnie.
She looked toward her thinking chair, then turned back to Fred. “Several things have happened around me that made me do some thinkin and I have taken your advice and quit workin myself to death and, also, so I could have some money for myself; my life. I didn’t quit all my jobs, but I have more time and more money . . . for me.”
Fred softly laughed, pleased. “Well, I’ll be damned. That’s good, baby. I’m glad, cause I didn’t want you to live like that. I wanted you to live for yourself a little.”
“Yes. Well, now I do. And since my mind kept thinkin after all that was settled, I decided I don’t want you to pay for my phone anymore either.” She sighed and smoothed her skirt over her legs. “My son is on his own now, and when my daughter graduates, soon now, she will be able to get a good job.”
Fred nodded and encouraged her with little sounds of approval.
Vinnie continued, “I am . . . still kinda young, only near forty . . . and I hope someday to marry again. And to do that I have to go out more . . . meet people. And I didn’t want other people, when I meet them, to call me on your telephone. That wouldn’t be nice. So! I got my own.”
Fred looked as though he had been struck by lightning. He managed to cover that first dumb look on his face, but he looked at Vinnie as if he thought she must be crazy.
Vinnie continued, “So I thought I would fix you a nice dinner to thank you for all the nice things you have done for me . . . and give you back your telephone.”
Fred stammered a bit, “You mean . . . you are putting me out of your life? You know I already love you!”
Vinnie shook her head slowly while looking into Fred’s eyes. “No, I don’t know that. I know you SAY you love me. And I can’t put you OUT of my life. You already left my life by your own choice . . . not mine.”
“Well, you know I left because I wanted us to be able to have a good full life and not be burdened with unnecessary things.”
“My children.”
Fred blustered a bit, “Vinnie, you know I was right. You just said so. You’ve made changes yourself. That boy needed to assume some responsibility for hisself. And your daughter needed to stop leaning on you so hard. You were burdened under that load. It hurt me to see you workin all those jobs and running back and forth all the time tryin to be on time for em! You didn’t have any clothes for yourself because your daughter demanded so much! Things needed fixin around this house. I wanted us to have a full life . . . not a drudge.”
Vinnie nodded. “That’s all true. And you loved me enough to leave me in all that? Alone?”
“I wanted you to wake up and live . . . for yourself.”
“Well . . . you were nice, Fred. You left me in all that . . . for my own good. And you left me one convenience: a telephone . . . so I could call YOU.”
“Surely you used it for other things . . . your children.”
“Oh, the phone was very convenient for emergencies. But, now, I don’t need it anymore. Your plan ‘to help me’ seems to have worked and I had a telephone in the middle of all my other problems. Now you can have it back because I may not be callin you.”
Fred turned his body toward Vinnie and took her hand from her lap. “Vinnie, don’t talk crazy. I didn’t wait all this time for you to put me out of your life. I’m the one who wanted you to HAVE a life.”
“Fred, you waited til I went through all of it by myself.” She smiled that small smile. “I don’t know how to thank you for leavin me in my mess and waitin until life is easier for me so you could come back in it when it is easier for you.”
Fred was urgent, “But I was right! Look, you are doing better, look better. I know you feel more rested and better.”
Vinnie was gentle, but firm. She knew she better be because for some reason she did not even know how to articulate it to herself. She knew she wanted a different relationship with Fred, a stronger, better one. The anger in her heart was real, even though she knew she loved him. “But I have only me to thank for that. You were right! But . . . how do I know what I would have to go through the next time you think you are right and, one time, you may not be right and I will have to change something I want to do or you will step away from me again?”
“Vinnie, I love you.”
“Fred, dear, you say that.”
“I mean that. You were always in my mind.”
Vinnie looked, pointedly, around the room. “Well, I don’t have anything to show for your love except a telephone and I’m going to give that back. The car is old now, but I could buy it from you for what you loaned on it.”
Fred looked surprised, “You mean I should have given you money to help you burden us?”
Vinnie looked directly into Fred’s eyes. “There are other things to give. Love, comfort, support, a day off, a weekend off, music, laughter, togetherness.”
“I want to give you all those things, Vinnie.” He reached for her.
She didn’t move, to him or from him. “When I need them? Or when it is right in your mind? And convenient?”
“Vinnie, you are doing me wrong now.”
“I’m not doin you anything, Fred. I still have a phone, same number. You can call me . . . if you like.”
Fred looked at Vinnie a long time. She only half smiled, not in anger anymore, nor revenge or malice. Even her heart was hurting because she loved him. But, she thought, “He better learn my mind before I give him my heart to hold and keep and he sets it down somewhere, when it is convenient. When I become inconvenient.”
When she closed the door behind Fred, she listened to the slow, heavy footsteps going down the stairs to his car. Again. She could see through the window as he reached his car; he held his head up and shook his shoulders as if he was shaking something off, got in, sat a few moments, then slowly drove away.
Vinnie sat down in her thinking chair and prayed, “God, don’t let me make a mess of what’s left of my life, please.”
Vinnie joined a whist club, but went to take a class in bridge so she would have a different group of friends to choos
e from. She began to go out occasionally with a few of her girlfriends from her bank job. She did meet a few fellows and she went out with one or two of them, occasionally. She felt like making love, but she didn’t feel like making love to them.
She was able to get a charge account and she bought a few good basic clothes, but she loved shopping at the secondhand store. Vinnie watched her budget; there were things she wanted to do with her house to make it more comfortable and safe for herself. She thought of going to night school to learn something that would give her more pay and security . . . for herself.
Often her new phone rang at night, but when she picked it up, no one said a word. And there were times just looking out of her front window that she thought she recognized Fred’s car passing; always in the darkness of night.
Every once in a while, Vinnie saw her eagles. Mother and child. The young eagle was strong and sturdy now. It flew ahead of its mother sometimes as they played in and with the air. The mother eagle was getting old, but she was yet strong. Not as strong as of old, but still strong. The mother eagle always led the way back to their home as the young eagle would fly and glide, soaring as it trailed behind her. Vinnie was always filled with beauty and love as she watched life in the sky.
Eventually Vinnie met one gentleman she liked. Steve. Steve worked as a roofer, but was very nice and he liked to dance. He was a little plump, but light on his feet. They started going out every Saturday night. His only problem, to her, is he thought a date meant ending the evening in her bed. She didn’t want that and told him it would take more time for her to get to that. He accepted that, for the moment, because he just knew that he would, finally, get what he wanted from her because all women pretended not to give in too easily. Besides, he liked to dance. Too, she was a nice-lookin woman who lived alone in her own house. He had a little time to put into this. “Who knows what might happen,” he thought to himself. Vinnie was tiring of him because he never stopped asking, hinting and touching too much. She wanted to make love, not sex.
One Saturday night she didn’t feel so much like dancing so he came over to play cards: gin rummy. While he was there, her phone rang over and over again, but when she picked it up, no one said a word. Steve commented on it, but since it was none of his business, she didn’t say anything, just shrugged her shoulders.
The Future Has a Past Page 18
