by Rita Herron
Grief and anguish bombarded her, and she sobbed his name. She could see his little hand reaching out for her to pull him from the water. Hear him choking for a breath as his head bobbed up and down.
She screamed his name, but suddenly his face faded into the fog and little Drew’s pale face appeared. Drew was so sick.
He needed help. Needed that kidney.
Tears blinded her and she jerked upright.
Cash sat up quickly and rubbed her arm. “BJ?”
“I couldn’t save him,” she cried. “I wanted to but I couldn’t.”
Cash made a low sound in his throat, then rubbed her back in small circles and pulled her into his arms. She closed her eyes, the pain as relentless as it had been the day she’d lost him.
That pain would never go away.
A hollow emptiness robbed her of breath, the same void she’d lived with for two years now.
“I’m sorry, BJ.” Cash pressed a kiss to her hair. “So sorry.”
She fought the urge to scream that he couldn’t possibly understand.
No one could.
* * *
CASH DIDN’T KNOW what to do. One minute, BJ had been sleeping in his arms, content and purring his name.
The next she’d been screaming her son’s.
Anger and frustration at her situation ripped through him. He had no idea how to help her.
“I’m sorry,” BJ whispered through her tears.
“You have recurring nightmares?”
She nodded, then pulled on her robe. “I need to be alone, Cash. Please go.”
He chewed the inside of his cheek, then stood and rubbed her arms. “Let me help you, BJ. Come back to bed—”
“No,” she said sharply. “I can’t, not when I see my dead son every time I close my eyes. When it was my fault he died.”
A muscle jumped in Cash’s cheek. “BJ, it wasn’t your fault. You know that.” Didn’t she?
“It was. I knew my ex had a drinking problem. But I never thought he’d drink and drive, not with Aaron in the car.”
“Had he done that before?”
“No, never.” Her voice broke. “He loved Aaron and was always good with him.”
“Then you couldn’t have known, BJ,” Cash said quietly. “Some things are just out of our control.”
BJ swiped angrily at her tears. “Please, Cash, just go. I need to be alone.”
Cash went still, his heart pounding. He’d thought they’d had a connection when they’d made love. That she might even...care about him.
But she’d simply needed comfort.
He didn’t regret giving it to her.
He was a fool, though, for thinking that a relationship with her could be anything but temporary.
She had her demons to slay. And he had his own.
Tyler’s face flashed in his mind. Tyler needed a parent. Someone who’d understand him.
He’d probably need therapy.
Self-doubts ate at Cash.
Even if the court granted him custody of Sondra’s little boy, what did he know about being a father?
“Cash, please be gone when I come out.” She hurried into the bathroom and closed the door with a resounding thud.
He yanked on his jeans.
Damn. He should be grateful she wasn’t making demands, talking about the next time they’d see each other, wanting to be his girlfriend.
He’d never had a real girlfriend.
But something about her made him want to claim her as his.
Still, she wanted him gone. She was probably already regretting sleeping with him. After all, her father was a powerful attorney.
They were from different worlds.
And he had to accept it.
* * *
THE NEXT TWO days BJ worked to wrangle in the ridiculous feelings she had for Cash. She’d met with her father again. He was proud of her for helping solve the case.
He’d also been inquisitive about the McCullens, but she hadn’t let on that she’d fallen for Cash.
Disgust made her sigh as she let herself back into her old apartment. The situation had drawn them together—that was simply all this attraction was.
The deafening quiet as she stepped into the entryway struck her.
The place seemed cold. Empty.
Lonely.
Just as she was.
She had been ever since she’d lost her son.
She remembered the smile on Drew’s face when she’d dropped by the hospital, and her heart melted. Drew would survive.
But he had no place to go when he was released, except to another foster home.
She’d gotten the charges against Cash completely dropped. He was a free man—free to do whatever he wanted and make a life with whomever he wanted.
She made several calls to Elmore’s attorney about Tyler’s custody issue. Shockingly, the man had called a meeting with Cash and the McCullens to discuss the situation.
Jasper had confessed to murder and kidnapping, and accepted the DA’s deal. The tests proved he was a match for Drew. They’d performed the surgery that night. Thankfully, Drew’s body had accepted the match and he was recovering.
Rain pounded the roof outside and slashed the windowpanes. She dragged her rolling suitcase to her bedroom, the pristine white walls and comforter stark and almost depressing, just like the dark storm clouds outside.
She’d thrown away all the color in her life when Aaron had died, because he loved colors.
One of the many rainbow drawings she’d kept and framed still sat on her dresser, a reminder of him and the energy he’d had in life.
She went to the desk and removed the folder of his sketches. More rainbows, the sun shining, happy faces and horses. She’d promised to sign him up for horseback riding lessons, but she’d never gotten the chance.
Tears filled her eyes. A million years ago, she’d had rainbows and laughter and a little boy’s precious voice and smile in her house for a while.
Drew’s face haunted her. Had he dreamed of rainbows or a future at all? Or had he just been waiting to die?
Sorrow for Aaron swelled inside her. She couldn’t bring her son back or help him now.
But that other little boy needed love. A family. A mother. Someone to take care of him.
She grabbed her keys, jogged outside, then drove to the Memorial Gardens center where she’d laid Aaron to rest. Emotions pummeled her as she parked and crossed the grassy gardens to a tiny spot in a section marked Little Angels.
Padding softly to his tombstone, she knelt and ran her finger over the marker.
“I love you, buddy, I always will,” she whispered. Then she began to tell him about Drew.
“You will always be my son, and you own my heart.” She kissed her fingers, then pressed them on the plaque where his name was etched. “What would you think if I let this other little boy live with me? He doesn’t have a mommy or anyone else.” Except for Tyler, and they were still working out the details to see if Cash gained custody of the boy.
The wind ruffled the trees. A breeze tossed leaves around the grave.
Suddenly, a rainbow appeared, the brilliant colors shimmering across the stone marker and grass.
A seed of joy and hope burst inside her. She kissed her fingers again and laid them on the stone.
The rainbow was her answer, her wise and wonderful son’s way of telling her that it was okay for her to love another child.
She stood, antsy to call the social worker.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Two days later
Cash’s stomach tightened as he entered the lawyer’s office. Conan Cambridge, Elmore’s attorney, greeted him with a handshake. Maddox also shook the man’s hand
.
Having Maddox here meant more than Cash would ever have thought. When he’d relayed Elmore’s last words to him, Maddox had insisted on accompanying him.
BJ was waiting inside, her hair tugged back in a bun, the professional mask in place. She wore a jacket and skirt, as if she thought dressing in a business suit would dull his desire for her.
But nothing could do that.
He wanted to strip the damn suit and make her writhe beneath him again, naked, hot and sweaty.
The thought disturbed him to the core.
“Have a seat, Mr. Koker,” Cambridge said. “I’ve been talking with your lawyer, Miss Alexander.”
BJ gave him a stiff smile, one that ticked him off, because she was acting like she didn’t know him, as if he’d never been inside her and heard her cry his name in the throes of passion.
Cash and Maddox claimed the wing chairs across from BJ, who was perched on the leather love seat.
“We’re here to discuss Mr. Elmore’s wishes for his grandson, and his will,” Cambridge said.
Cash chewed the inside of his cheek, his heart pounding.
“Miss Alexander informed me of your conversation with Mr. Elmore when he was on his deathbed,” Cambridge said.
Here it was. That fancy lawyer would say it wasn’t valid. No one else had heard it. Cash had made it up.
A muscle ticked in Cambridge’s jaw. “Unfortunately, Elmore died without changing his will.”
Cash shifted and started to say something, but BJ shook her head, indicating for him to hold his tongue.
“That said, I can tell you that Elmore left his estate to his daughter, Sondra, and her son, Tyler. I’ve reviewed Sondra’s will, and surprisingly, she made stipulations that in the event of her death, she wanted you to raise Tyler, Mr. Koker.”
Shock stole Cash’s words. “She did?”
He nodded. “She also stipulated that she wanted Tyler to be with you, but she wanted her father to have access to the boy.” He paused. “She wanted them to have a relationship.”
The lawyer’s words reverberated in Cash’s ears. “What does this mean?”
Cambridge pulled at his tie. “It means that if you’re agreeable, Tyler Elmore will be placed in your custody.” A serious frown carved lines in the man’s weathered face. “Of course, a social worker will be assigned to make home visits, check on the child’s well-being and confirm that you are able to care for the boy.”
Cash’s head reeled in shock, but he nodded.
“One more thing, Mr. Koker,” Cambridge said. “Lester phoned me the day you tried to make the ransom drop and were injured. He told me he’d been wrong about you.”
Cash couldn’t believe this was happening.
“According to his will, Tyler inherited Elmore’s ranch,” Cambridge continued. “You being his guardian, you and Tyler can live on his ranch.”
“I don’t think Elmore would like that,” Cash said.
Cambridge crossed his hands on his desk. “You risked your life to save Tyler, Mr. Koker. Lester knew that. He told me he was going to offer you a job as his head foreman. With Lester gone and Tyler a minor, someone will have to take over.”
The man paused. “How do you feel about all this?”
Cash pinched the bridge of his nose, emotions flooding him. Love. Relief. Worry. He’d never had a father. He didn’t know if he could handle the job.
“You do want custody of Tyler, don’t you, Cash?” BJ asked softly.
Cash’s gaze met hers. “Yes.”
The lawyer stepped outside the door for a moment, and more self-doubt pummeled Cash. He leaned close to BJ and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. “But what do I know about being a father? What if I mess up?”
BJ squeezed his hand. “You love him. That’s what he needs most.” The McCullens were good people and would help their newfound brother raise the boy.
The social worker Cash had met at the hospital with Drew entered the room, Tyler’s tiny hand tucked in hers.
The little boy looked up at him with worry and sadness, melting Cash’s heart as he knelt before him. “Tyler?”
Tyler’s lower lip quivered. “They said Mommy’s gone.”
“I’m sorry, bud.” Cash wiped a tear from Tyler’s cheek. “But you’ve got me.”
“The lady said I can live with you, Cash,” he said in a small voice.
“That’s true.” Cash’s heart pounded. “I’d like that, Tyler. What do you think?”
Tyler nodded, then threw himself against Cash’s chest. Cash wrapped his arms around the little boy, Tyler’s tears mingling with his own. He might not know how to be a father. He might mess up.
But he’d do the best he could. And from now on, Tyler would be his son.
* * *
“ARE YOU SURE you want to do this, BJ?”
BJ squared her shoulders and faced her father. She wanted his blessing, but she didn’t need it. She had to follow her heart. “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”
His stern face softened. “I understand. I know the last two years have been rough.”
“They have,” she admitted. “I made mistakes, Dad. My judgment wasn’t always good.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, honey,” he said in an uncharacteristically thick voice. “You need to forgive yourself and move on.”
BJ blinked, surprised at his comment. “I wanted to make you proud, Dad.”
He left the chair behind his desk, walked over to her and captured her hands in his. “I am proud of you, sweetheart. I realize I haven’t always shown it, and we disagreed sometimes. I didn’t know how to help you after you lost Aaron.” His voice warbled. “I...hated seeing you hurting, and didn’t know what to do to make it right for you.”
“You couldn’t make it right,” BJ said, her heart splintering at the sound of pain and helplessness in his voice. “No one could. I had to grieve. And...I still am grieving.”
“I’ve grieved, too, baby. But you deserve to go on.” He lifted her hands and kissed them. “All I want is for you to be happy, honey.”
BJ inhaled a deep breath. “Giving Drew a home will make me happy.”
He nodded, understanding softening his eyes. “Take all the time off you want. If you need anything, money—”
“Thanks, Dad, but I don’t need money. I have savings,” BJ said. “Once Drew’s settled, I may come back, even if it’s only part-time.”
“You always have a place here.” He hugged her, and BJ kissed his cheek. She hadn’t expected him to take her news so well. Maybe in her grief and guilt, she’d been too hard on him.
Her phone buzzed. Candace. She connected the call.
“BJ, I have good news. You can take Drew home today.”
Her heart fluttered with joy and relief. She would never hold her son again. But Drew needed her and a home, and she could give him that.
* * *
Five days later
CASH STOOD OUTSIDE the McCullen farmhouse, still in awe of the new family he’d found. They were having a barbecue celebration tonight in his honor. Mama Mary had cooked a feast of side dishes, while the McCullen men grilled steaks and burgers. The wives and kids gathered in the yard, talking and laughing, warmth exuding from them all.
Tyler didn’t want to go back to the guesthouse or to Elmore’s. Neither did Cash.
He would never feel at home there. So they were staying at Horseshoe Creek in the cabin. His brothers—it still felt weird to refer to them as that—planned to help him build a house of his own on the land.
Mama Mary had embraced him and Tyler, welcoming them into the family as if they’d always been around. Tyler followed Brett’s son around like a puppy, and Sam had taken him in like a kid brother, showing him the ropes.
His broth
ers had given him a box of letters and cards their mother had written to him after his disappearance. She hadn’t forgotten a single birthday or holiday and poured out her love, and her determination to find him and his twin.
He’d cried like a baby when he’d read them.
Cash made arrangements for Elmore’s head foreman, a robust, friendly man named Wayne, to run the ranch. Maddox, Brett and Ray had heard good things about the ranch hand, whom they knew from the Cattleman’s Club.
Mama Mary seemed taken with him, as well. According to Rose, she’d invited him to supper several times the past few months.
Tonight Roan Whitefeather and his wife, Megan, joined in the barbecue celebration.
The McCullens had had their problems, but they remained family and supported each other through thick and thin.
Cash wanted Tyler to grow up here.
“What are you going to do about BJ?” Maddox asked.
Cash tilted his hat against the waning sun as he watched Tyler toss a horseshoe. Brett and his little boy had quickly drawn Tyler into the game.
“What do you mean? I’ll have to make payments on what I owe—”
“Her fee was taken care of,” Maddox said. “I meant, what are you going to do personally?”
Cash gave him a dark look. He’d never told Maddox how he felt about BJ. Hadn’t told anyone. “I was just a case to her,” he said quietly.
Maddox grunted. “You weren’t just a case, at least not toward the end. I saw the way the two of you looked at each other.”
He shrugged. “You must have misunderstood.”
“No, I didn’t,” Maddox said, his gaze straying to his wife, who was rocking their baby in the rocking chair on the porch. “Let me tell you something, little brother. Real love only comes along once.”
His chest squeezed. “Maybe. But I’ve got Tyler now and nothing to offer a woman like her.”
“That’s BS,” Maddox said. “You have part of our spread, and she adores Tyler.”
Cash couldn’t argue with that. But something else was bothering him. “I’ve been thinking about Drew. He’s Tyler’s half brother. I think the boys should be together, but I don’t know if I can manage two kids and work a ranch.”
