by Dyan Sheldon
Everybody was going to David’s tonight to watch videos, but I stayed home. When you have a major upheaval in your life (like your female parent running away and your father having it off with a neighbour) it makes you introspective and reflective. Not for me the bright lights of Hollywood and the innocent chit-chat of my friends over snacks and fizzy drinks. The crisps would have turned to ashes in my mouth. My mood demanded the comforting glow of candles, the warm scent of sandalwood and anguished jazz squeezed from the Soul, the notes flowing through the night like blood.
SUNDAY 22 APRIL
Sigmund has emerged!!! He doesn’t look great, but at least he’s turned off the stereo and he says he’s going to go back to work tomorrow. Apparently Mr Kennedy’s been apprehended. I said did this mean Mrs Kennedy was back and I’d be babysitting the twins on Thursday, and Sigmund just shook his head v slowly but didn’t say anything. I’m taking that as a no.
Bethsheba was back in her usual position on the front steps when I got home from D’s this afternoon. Since I’d more or less forgotten about her, I was v surprised. She said she’d been trying to ring Justin for days, but the phone was always engaged so she decided to come over in person. I said she should ring him on his mobe because there were other people in the flat besides Justin who also needed to use the phone. I said anyway, I was under the impression that they’d broken up, and she said no, it was just a misunderstanding. She said I must know how difficult Justin can be. TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! I told her if she was waiting for Justin to get home she was going to have a long wait because he’d gone round to our aunt’s. She wanted to know where Sappho lived and I told her. If you ask me, it serves Justin right. If he spent more time with his own friends he wouldn’t be spending time with MINE!!!
If somebody doesn’t do the dishes soon not only are we going to run out of plates and cutlery – we won’t even be able to have a cup of tea!!!
I was watching telly tonight to take my mind off all my problems. (I don’t believe one can be a TOTAL INTELLECTUAL all of the time; there are times in life when simple amusement is necessary, which I reckon explains why so many Great Writers and Artists are also alcoholics.) I must’ve sat on the remote because suddenly the set switched itself on standby. That was when I realized that Sigmund was on the phone in the Bunker again. Stealthy as a cat (though not Mr Kipling, who’s always falling off the furniture), I moved towards his door. This time I was ABSOLUTELY sure he was talking to Mrs Kennedy because he kept saying the L-word. And then I heard him say my mother’s name. I couldn’t make out what else he said, but at a guess it was probably that he thought there was someone outside the door because he suddenly yanked it open. I said I was looking for my earring and he believed me.
MONDAY 23 APRIL
Justin threw a major wobbly when he got home this afternoon. He marched into my room without even knocking. I said excuse me, but you can’t just barge into a person’s room like that, and he went DEEP red and started shaking like a chihuahua. Then he started screaming!!! (He’s always been very volatile and emotionally unstable, but if he keeps this up he’ll have a heart attack before he gets out of art school.) He wanted to know what was wrong with ME!!! I said ME? What did I do? He said I was the MORON who told Bumshiva where he was yesterday. Was I OBLIVIOUS? Or did I really live on my own planet? Didn’t I see that Bumshiva’s a mad, deluded creature who’s been stalking him? It was just as well I was already lying on my bed or I would’ve collapsed from laughter. If you ask me, the Abominable Brother’s been watching too many movies. Stalking! I mean, really, get a life. It’s pretty obvious that the girl isn’t working with a complete deck or she wouldn’t be interested in Justin in the first place, but STALKING?!! People who stalk aren’t trendy art students; they’re usually balding losers with bad dress sense and worse breath. Justin said it wasn’t funny. He spent the night at Sappho’s because even though he told Bethsheba to go away she stayed outside the house and he didn’t want to end up trying to get home from Hackney with her in the dead of night. I said I was under the impression that he and Bethsheba were back together, which was why I told her where he was, and he asked me who told me that. I said well, who did he think? He said I was a con man’s dream. Wait till he finds out I gave her his mobile number.
Disha says it’s possible that Bethsheba really is stalking Justin. She says she thinks certain sorts of stalking can happen to anyone, like measles or something. She says you’d have to have an obsessive personality, but artists often do. I said give me a BREAK. Who could get obsessive about a boy who shops in Oxfam and always smells of developer? Disha said apparently Bethsheba.
TUESDAY 24 APRIL
Nan rang last night to find out why no one’s rung her to see if she’s all right. Since the only person who would think to ring her isn’t here any more, I admitted that the MC had run away from home. Nan said she always knew something like this would happen, right from the moment Sigmund turned up at the church in a wedding coat and high-tops. She offered to come back and look after us. Personally this struck me as a reasonable idea, since Nan believes in Victorian values like meals and household maintenance, but Sigmund looked like this was all the good news he needed for the rest of his life and lied and said we were doing just fine on our own – he’s not INCOMPETENT, is he? (I couldn’t hear Nan’s answer, but even though she’s old she isn’t exactly stupid!) Then he said it wasn’t as if the MC’d left for good; she was just taking a leave of absence. I just hope the MC knows that.
WEDNESDAY 25 APRIL
There are some disadvantages to being a motherless child that I haven’t thought of before. For one thing, there’s the food. I’m the first to admit that the MC’s one of the worst cooks to ever make lumpy gravy, but at least she does cook. Now that she’s living it up in Hackney, nobody can be bothered to go shopping, so we’re still living on takeaway. (Takeaway’s all right for a couple of days, but you’d be AMAZED how quickly the charm wears off. I mean, it’s not what you’d want as a steady diet. Especially not when your choice is pretty much pizza or pizza if you don’t want to do the dishes.) So, since no one’s shopping, we’re not only out of food, but stuff like detergent and bog rolls as well (we’re reduced to using newspaper – I can’t tell you how GROSS that is). And also I had a report to type up for history and even though Sigmund can type almost as well as the MC he REFUSED to do it for me. It took me EONS with only two fingers! The other thing is that the health and sanitation standards of the flat have slipped so much that it’s getting v hard to find things and if you put something down you have to check first that you’re not putting it in something disgusting. I said to Sigmund didn’t he think it was time he found the Hoover and he said why didn’t I find it? (Yeah, right! If he thinks I’m going to be his SKIVVY he can think again.) I hope he is right and the MC will come back once she’s calmed down or I may have to move to Hackney too!!! I don’t think I could survive indefinitely with Sigmund in charge.
Disha says to look on the bright side. I asked her what that is. Disha says that this is meant to be our year of spiritual and intellectual growth, and I’m definitely doing that. And also it’s pretty dark. I said that if I get stuck living on my own with Sigmund for the rest of my life it’s going to be more like a black hole than a Dark Phase. But I can see she has a point.
THURSDAY 26 APRIL
Willow says that if we’re not all dead within a month from all the crap we’re eating, we’ll become diabetic like all those people in America.
I told Disha how selfish I think the MC is being and she said have I thought about how I’d feel if I were in the MC’s place? I said she was beginning to sound like Sappho, and she said no REALLY. What would I do if I found out my husband was running around with another woman – cook him supper? I said not likely. If I cooked him supper it would only be to dump it over his head. D said EXACTLY!!! She said if I’m going to be pissed off with anyone, it should be Sigmund.
FRIDAY 27 APRIL
Disha’s got a point about being ang
ry with Sigmund. He’s always telling me I’VE got a long way to go before I’m an adult, but if you ask me so has he. He doesn’t DO anything! He just goes to work and then he comes home and goes back to the Bunker to listen to Mr Doom and Gloom. (I should’ve dumped all his Dylan albums in the bin while he was out.)
I decided to break down and ring the MC tonight. It’s ironic considering how she drives me crazy, but I’m really starting to miss her. And besides the general quality of life descending quickly into Third World levels, I don’t know where my PE kit is and I got yelled at again by the Anti-Barbie today. The MC sounded surprised to hear from me. I said I wasn’t angry with her (which is more or less true, though I’m still v irked). I said I’d been thinking about it and if I’d found out my husband was running around with another woman I would’ve gone too. And then I asked her when she was coming back. She said, “For God’s sake, Janet, I’ve only just left.” I said no, really. I said if she didn’t want to live with Sigmund any more (and who could blame her?), wouldn’t it make more sense to make him move out? The MC laughed, but not AT me (for a change!), more like in surprise. She said my Dark Phase must really be changing me because I’m actually sounding more mature. If you ask me, it’s the MC who’s changing (I’ve ALWAYS been v mature for my age), but I didn’t say that to her. I said it’s a well-known fact that children of divorce grow up suddenly (I heard it on Oprah).
SATURDAY 28 APRIL
Jupiter was at a party this afternoon so Willow invited me over for tea. She wanted to know how things were going and stuff like that. I told her aside from starvation and possible toxic poisoning everything was just dandy, but we got cut off because Jupiter arrived home. Suddenly. And under house arrest (the birthday boy’s big sister). He got thrown out of the party because he was messing around and did something obscene to the cake. Willow said that she for one can certainly understand why a mother might want to leave home.
Disha was hauled away for the weekend by her parents and the usual suspects (David, Flynn and Marcus) are all doing something male and juvenile together tonight, so I sat myself down and went into Creative Mode. It’s true what the poets say about it being a REALLY rotten wind that doesn’t blow some good somewhere, isn’t it? With the exception of people like Tolkien and Jeffrey Archer, lots of writers use their own lives for the basis of fiction, but up till now I’d always felt that my life wasn’t BIG enough for that yet. But after what D said about not being able to make up the stuff that happens to me, I decided to give it a try. It’s about a girl whose self-centred father uses her to mind his lover’s children while they go to cheap hotels, and then the lover’s psychotic husband breaks out of prison to avenge himself on the self-centred father, but when the girl captures the psychotic prisoner and becomes a hero her mother finds out what’s been going on and leaves home. I’m calling it “Reasons Never to Get Married”.
SUNDAY 29 APRIL
There wasn’t any milk in the flat this morning, so I had to go out and get some. AGAIN. I’m going to start keeping a record. Anyway, it’s not even eight in the morning and the first thing I see when I step outside is the girlfriend from hell! Since I got all that grief from Justin for just talking to Bethsheba, I decided to ignore her. She called my name, but I kept right on walking. When I got back with the milk she was standing in front of our door. I told her Justin was still sleeping and she said how nice it would be if she could have a cup of tea while she waited. I told her there was a café nearby. She didn’t budge. I said would she mind stepping aside so I could get into my own home and she started crying and going on about how she LOVED Justin and how if only she could talk to him they could patch everything up. (Talk about drama queen!!!) Not only was I DYING for a cup of tea, but I was going to have to dig a cup out of the sink and wash it before I could have one, so I was less than MEGA sympathetic. I told her that as far as I could see, Justin had even less interest in her than he did in translating Mansfield Park into Sanskrit. I advised her to get a life. That’s when she went for me! (Literally!!!) I know this may sound naïve, but I really wasn’t expecting to be attacked on my own doorstep. Which gave Bethsheba the advantage. She lunged straight at me and knocked me over. (If you ask me, it’s a miracle I wasn’t wounded.) It’s just as well Sigmund’s a light sleeper. He charged out in nothing but his boxers (which is not a pretty sight – if photographs of Sigmund in his boxers were given out in sex ed there’d be a whole lot less pregnant teenagers in this country, believe me), shouting like a kung fu warrior. Of course, it wasn’t Satan’s spawn he was shrieking at. It was ME – the innocent victim!!! What the hell are you doing? Blah blah blah… What I was actually doing, besides trying to push the stupid cow off me, was open the milk so I could try to drown her. Sigmund got us both inside and then he went to wake up Justin, but Justin had already escaped through the garden despite the booby traps. Sigmund, of course, was TOTALLY oblivious to what had been going on, but Bethsheba was excruciatingly happy to fill him in. Anyway, Sigmund was all Mr Concerned Parent and Comforting Shrink, while I (of course!!!) got stuck with making the tea and washing out THREE cups etc. Eventually Bethsheba calmed down enough to say she was sorry for trying to cut my promising life short, but she was in a v emotional state (um, duh … really???) and she couldn’t believe I told her to GET A LIFE when that was what she had. Neither Sigmund nor I knew what she was on about. We looked at each other, and then we looked at her again and Sigmund said, “Pardon? I’m not certain I understand—” and Bethsheba started crying again. HANG ON HARD TO ANYTHING THAT ISN’T CEMENTED DOWN!!! Bethsheba, through a churning ocean of tears, said that what she meant was that she’s carrying Justin’s child! Even Sigmund didn’t have an answer for that one. He just sat there like a beached fish, staring at her. I took advantage of this moment of SHOCK AND HORROR to pretend I had to go to the loo (not that either of them noticed). I walked straight out of the front door and went to Disha’s. (What would I do WITHOUT HER? I ask you!!!) D called it the Attack of the Killer Cow. She said did I really think Justin would be stupid enough to get Bumshiva knocked up and I asked her if she’d met my brother. I was going to stay over at D’s, but in the end I decided to come home and work on my story. It’s so ABSOLUTELY true that suffering fuels creativity, isn’t it? Let’s face it: shallow, happy people write Burger King jingles, but deep, unhappy people write War and Peace.
MONDAY 30 APRIL
Justin stayed at Sappho’s again last night and the Mad Cow brought him home this afternoon. She said she reckoned it was time the four of us sat down and had a SERIOUS talk. Sigmund said too bloody right, and immediately started going on about Justin being a disgrace. The MC wanted to know what he was on about, and when Sigmund explained she and Justin both fell about laughing, which made Sigmund go into morally superior mode (which is probably his favourite). He said he was shocked that the MC, of all people, would condone Justin’s irresponsible behaviour. Justin stopped laughing long enough to say that he wasn’t like Sigmund and didn’t indulge in irresponsible behaviour. Sigmund said that getting your girlfriend pregnant and then dumping her like a hot potato was pretty irresponsible in his book. Justin said first of all Bumshiva’d NEVER been his girlfriend and that second of all she WASN’T PREGNANT; she was just insane. Sigmund said, “That’s what you say.” Justin said it was. The Mad Cow had already heard the whole tortured tale from Justin (obviously), and she TOTALLY believed him. Sigmund got all haughty and raised an eyebrow and all like he’d completely forgotten he was meant to be trying to encourage the MC to like him again and said REALLY? The MC said REALLY. She said if Bethsheba actually was preggers it was either an immaculate conception or the father was someone we didn’t know. Sigmund asked her how she could be so sure, and the MC said because Justin wasn’t a compulsive liar like the only other male in this family!!! I just sat there, observing all of this like a Great Writer would, but I have to admit I was v impressed by my mother. I’d never seen her like this before. Then she said that anyway, Bethsheba’s histrionics weren’
t what we had to talk about. You could tell from the way he immediately started nodding and looking v serious like someone on Newsnight that Sigmund thought this meant she was ready to come home for good. But I was watching the NEW Jocelyn Bandry and I had my doubts (and also I noticed she didn’t have a suitcase with her). You should’ve seen Sigmund’s face when the MC said she was coming home, but only because he was moving OUT. (If he doesn’t stop looking like a dying fish I may have to change his name to Trout!!!) Sigmund wanted to know where this brilliant idea came from but the MC just smiled and gave me a look.
