by Amy Braun
Abby would crawl up behind my and wrap her tiny arms around my back. She wouldn’t say anything, just hug me until I fell asleep. Those were the only nights where I didn’t dream.
Heart-wrenching memories played back and forth through my mind, all but confirming that I wouldn’t be sleeping tonight, either. I threw the blanket off my body, tucked the key into my shirt, and got to my feet. I didn’t know where the others slept, but enough time had passed for it to be Gemma’s watch. I couldn’t see anyone in the shadows. I needed a distraction, but wasn’t sure talking was my best option.
For some reason, I glanced at the Dauntless Wanderer sitting in its dark corner. The entire airship needed work, so I could spend the next few hours rebuilding parts of it until exhaustion forced me to sleep. I picked up my tool belt and buckled it to my hips as I walked to the Dauntless. I stared up at the ship, slowly beginning to see the terror it would have wrought in the dark skies. Shadows hugged the metal, and I imagined pitch black sails billowing in the wind. I could almost see the cannons flashing and booming in the night, blasting their enemies into submission before boarding and taking everything and everyone in sight…
That was how I remembered the marauders, which is why Sawyer, Nash, and Gemma confused me. I had seen that they were dangerous, and knew they could even be killers. Yet they didn’t have the bloodthirsty demeanors that marauders were known for. I hadn’t been robbed or terrorized or abused. Now that I was helping repair their ship and saving their lives, could I even be considered their prisoner? It wasn’t as though Garnet would be scouring the streets looking for me. If he didn’t assume I was dead, he simply wouldn’t care enough to send out a rescue party.
Could it have been the Hellions and The Storm that changed Sawyer, Gemma, and Nash? If anything, life aboveground should have made them harder and colder. Sawyer was irritating, but something told me he had a good soul.
But why would he care so much about a ship famed for its evil captain and devilish son?
I pushed the thoughts from my head as I climbed up the netting to the crater in the Dauntless’ side. I pulled myself into the ship and took the torch from my belt. I pulled it apart and shone the dull yellow light into the interior, my eyes going straight to the engine–
“Can’t sleep either?”
I gasped and jumped, sweeping the torch around to the right corner toward the slurred voice.
Sawyer winced and raised a hand to his eyes, frowning at me. “Little bright. Do you mind?”
My heart began to steady itself, but I didn’t shut the torch off. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”
Sawyer shrugged. “Where else was I going to go drown my sorrows?”
My eyes flicked down to the bottle in his left hand. I didn’t know what it was or how full it had been, but it was now half empty.
“Where did you get that?” I asked.
He looked at the bottle, studied it, then shrugged. “Don’t remember. Don’t care.”
“Sawyer, you need to be resting. Alcohol isn’t going to heal you.”
He sniggered. “I beg to differ. I can’t feel anything right now. Besides, I’m only a little drunk. That’s nowhere close to where I want to be.”
He lifted the bottle to his lips and took another deep drink. I sighed, set the torch down, and made my way over to him. I knelt in front of Sawyer and put my hand on his wrist, pushing his arm down and keeping him from guzzling the whole bottle.
“Come on, you need to sleep. I’ll take your watch.”
I tried to take the bottle from his hands, but Sawyer held onto the neck tightly. “I’m fine, Firecracker.”
He smirked, almost like he expected me to berate him about my nickname again. I just shook my head and put his right arm over my shoulder. I started to help him to his feet, but he pulled away from me before my legs were straightened. I stepped back and watched Sawyer run his hand through his messy, chestnut hair. He looked exhausted, and his next smile was weak.
“You’re making me leave my home, aren’t you?”
“This isn’t your home, Sawyer. It’s your ship.”
“Exactly. My ship. Which makes it my home.” Sawyer took another pull from the bottle.
I put my hands on my hips. “You can’t sleep up here. The surroundings aren’t safe.”
Sawyer grinned again. “Worried I’ll cut myself, Firecracker?”
“You’re already hurt, Sawyer. You were beaten and nearly dismembered tonight.”
He took a step closer to me, suddenly serious. “You were hurt too. When I saw Briggs hitting you…” He shook his head. “I wanted to kill him. More than I’ve wanted to kill anyone in a long time.”
His words unnerved me, because I believed him. Sawyer was drinking, but there was an openness to him now. I thought I was seeing the real him. All of the bullheadedness and teasing was a wall for some kind of pain. He was still trying to hide it, but I could see his resolve was breaking.
I just didn’t know what I had to do with it.
“Briggs is gone,” I reminded him, not wanting to know if he’d actually killed Briggs or not. I didn’t want anyone dying in my name, no matter what they did to me. “Let’s get you to bed.”
Sawyer looked at me with sleepy eyes and a wicked smile. My heart thumped wildly in my chest. He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingertips trailed along my jaw, stopping at my chin. Sawyer’s thumb stroked the skin under my bottom lip.
“Want to join me, Firecracker?”
For a minute, I was lost. Sawyer was so close to me that my chest almost bumped his when I exhaled. There was alcohol on his breath, but I also smelled the musk from his body, and a scent that reminded me of cedar but could only be described as Sawyer. It was strong and mysterious and inviting. I craved more of it. For a moment I seriously considered his offer.
But I knew it would mean nothing in the morning.
“Sawyer, you’re drunk.”
He grinned, sending a warm flutter through my stomach. “True. But that doesn’t make me completely senseless.”
I didn’t think he could get any closer to me, but Sawyer lowered his head until his nose almost touched mine. He tried to move my face with his own, to draw my lips up to his. I bowed my head and put my hands on his chest, pushing him away.
“No, Sawyer.”
I didn’t meet his eyes. I wasn’t sure what I would see. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to see. Sawyer’s physical attractiveness was impossible to ignore, but something else drew me to him. Something I didn’t understand or trust.
I could feel him standing close to me, daring me to look at him. Somehow I knew that if I did, I would fall under his spell. I would unravel. Losing Abby was beginning to break me, and I needed some kind of comfort, selfish as it was.
But this wasn’t the time for it. Sawyer didn’t really want a girl like me, and I never had the time to think about relationships. Which was part of the reason I’d never had one.
Sawyer finally stepped back, giving me room to catch my breath and concentrate on where I was. A deeper part of me wished he would forget about boundaries and pull me into his arms. I shoved that thought away before it could manifest into action.
The marauder exhaled slowly and walked toward the caved in hull. I held my hand out for the bottle. Sawyer looked at my hand then glowered at me. When I didn’t pull my hand back, he took two long guzzles from the bottle and placed it in my hand. It was only a quarter full now.
I set the bottle aside, gathered my torch and pushed it closed, then watched Sawyer climb down the netting. He appeared to be sure-footed, but I followed him carefully to make sure he didn’t slip. He made it to the floor of the hangar before I did, and looked sturdy on his feet. I dropped onto the ground and looked at him.
Sawyer’s eyes were still on the Dauntless, as though he were debating on climbing up again to hide.
“They shouldn’t have done it,” he mumbled.
“Done what?”
Sa
wyer shook his head, as if he forgot that he was talking to me instead of himself. I thought he was going to close himself off again, but then the words poured out.
“My father and brother. They were ambitious. Reckless.” He smirked. “I got it from them. But I was just a kid. I didn’t know what they were going to do. I thought they might try and reclaim some of our honor, but they just couldn’t give up the life. They didn’t want to help. They just wanted more adventure.”
I was going to ask him if his father and brother were marauders, but talking now could make him close up. I didn’t want him to do that, since I had the feeling that it had been a while since he opened up to anyone. Sawyer might need to release this pain as much as I needed to hear it.
“I would have gone with them,” he continued, “if it hadn’t been for Micah.”
He looked at me, seeing the confusion on my face and smiling at it. “Micah was my youngest brother. Four years old and completely unstoppable. He followed me everywhere. Clung to me like a shadow.” Sawyer’s eyes darkened. “I wish he hadn’t. Then he might still be alive.”
I couldn’t stay silent at that. “Oh, Sawyer, I’m so sorry.”
And I was. I couldn’t imagine losing a sibling. There was the very real possibility that Abby was dead, but I would never acknowledge it until I knew for sure. Maybe not even then.
“I shouldn’t have gone looking for them,” Sawyer continued as he stared at the ground. “Father told me not to. But he left one of the skiffs on the ground. I took it and was going after them. I wanted to help, and I was good on the ship. I told Micah to stay where he was, and I thought he would listen. But of course he didn’t. He never did. Guess he got that from me.”
Sawyer’s laugh hitched in his throat and he closed his eyes, trying to breathe calmly. It did nothing to erase the pain from his voice. I stepped closer to him so he would know I was there.
“I never saw the shot coming,” whispered Sawyer. “One minute I was getting off the ground, next the building was collapsing beside me. I jumped out, thinking I was alone. I was running to get clear, but then I heard him scream. I turned and saw the rubble fall on the skiff, and then I couldn’t see him.” Sawyer squeezed his eyes shut. “I tried to dig him out, kept screaming for him, but all I could see were blood-smeared stones, and the Hellions were coming. They shot down my father and brother’s ship, and I didn’t know what to do, so I ran. I left him behind, I left all of them behind because I was such a damn coward…”
His breath hitched again, and I knew I couldn’t let him stand alone like this. Ten years didn’t erase those kinds of horrors or pain. I grasped Sawyer’s palm with one of my hands and used the other to cup his cheek.
“You were a child, Sawyer. There was nothing you could have done. We all left someone behind. But you wanted to help, and that’s more than can be said for anyone else back then. You hid me and taunted the Junkers. You’re still willing to help me despite what you know. It takes a strong man to do that.”
I hesitated when he opened his eyes and met my gaze. I wasn’t prepared for the intensity in them. I lowered my eyes, unable to hold back the words spilling past my own lips.
“I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. You’ve been doing your best to help me, and I can’t blame you for being mad–”
Sawyer gripped my chin and tilted my head up. I caught his breezy, cedar scent and forgot to breathe. His eyes shone like two suns.
“You’re not making me mad,” he whispered, sending a shiver through me. “Not the way you’re thinking.”
Before I could ask what he meant, say anything at all, Sawyer leaned forward and kissed me.
He caught me off guard and put enough force behind the kiss to push me back, but his hand clutched the back of my neck and held me in place. I should have pushed him away, but… I didn’t want to.
Sawyer’s kiss was hard and strong, yet the passion and tenderness in it melted any misgivings I had. When I rested my hands on his arms, he didn’t flinch or move away. He moved even closer. My heart pounded frantically against my ribcage, hard enough that he must have felt it. The heat from his body soaked into me, his long eyelashes tickling my face as he kissed me again. I tried to calm my nerves, but I had never done this before. Romance was something I wondered about but never took advantage of. I had a sister to protect and a ruthless warlord to serve. Becoming involved with someone emotionally put them at risk for being used against me by Garnet.
But Garnet wasn’t here. He wasn’t controlling me. He was easy to block out, giving me the chance to focus on Sawyer. Curiosity tugged at my mind, and I opened Sawyer’s mouth to slide my tongue over his. He growled and pushed me back until my spine hit the side of the Dauntless. It didn’t hurt. In fact, I liked it.
I kept my mouth on Sawyer’s while he moved his hands to my hips, sliding his thumbs under my shirt and grazing my skin. Even that slight touch was electric, and I wanted more.
His fingers traced higher, sending shudders through me. I pulled back to breathe, and Sawyer’s lips traced the curve of my jaw and neck. I twined my fingers through his hair, loving the heat of his breath and the way he felt against me. It was easy to understand how someone could get lost in a moment like this.
And that was the thought that stopped me. Even with what he told me tonight, I didn’t know very much about Sawyer. What he told me was only admitted because he was drunk. He’d relived painful memories, and I tried to ease his pain by listening and comforting him. What he was doing now was obscuring his thoughts. He wanted something I couldn’t give. What he needed was sleep.
My fingers circled Sawyer’s wrists and pulled them away from my waist. My shirt fell back into place, but my skin already felt cold without his touch. Sawyer leaned away from my neck, and it took nearly all of my control not to kiss him again when I looked in his glowing eyes.
“We can’t do this,” I whispered.
“Why not?” he breathed back. “You weren’t complaining a minute ago.”
Because there was nothing to complain about, I thought. Still holding his wrists, I pushed him away from me. I couldn’t move him very far, but he got the message and stepped out of my reach. I brought my hands back to my sides and slid them into my pant pockets.
“We should be focusing on getting your ship fixed,” I muttered, hoping that would get through to him.
It did.
“You’re right,” he acknowledged. If we hadn’t just been so intimate, I might have teased him, but right now I felt too exposed, too confused. I couldn’t even look at him.
“I don’t know what… I need to get some sleep. Gemma will be waking me up soon.”
“I can take your watch if you–”
“No,” he interrupted quickly. “No, I… I just need to be alone.”
Sawyer turned and walked away before I could stop him. I stood in front of the Dauntless, watching him leave and wishing I understood what had happened between us. I didn’t think he cared about me as anything other than an asset, and there was no doubt in my mind that he told me the truth about his past. The brothers and father he lost, the confession of wanting to kill Briggs for hurting me, all of that had been true. The alcohol had loosened his tension too much for him to think about lying.
It was almost enough to make me think our kiss wasn’t just born from a desperate need. That he wanted to do it because he felt something for me.
But I knew better. In this world, dreams were torn apart as easily as flesh under a Hellion’s teeth.
Chapter 8
My assumption about Sawyer was true. The next morning, he didn’t even look at me. He was tired-eyed but sober, and there was no indication he was sick from the alcohol he drank last night. All of Sawyer’s walls were back up, but I was sure Nash and Gemma would know something was bothering him sooner rather than later.
The hangar hadn’t been attacked, and it seemed like the Hellion skiffs were back on the Behemoth. Within a few hours, we were ready to leave for the substation.
>
I rarely traveled to the ports, but even from there I had no problem finding Garnet’s main power hub. It was mere blocks away from the old industrial district, which was now just a series of cracked buildings tumbling against the skyline. The substation was easily recognizable as a broken metal forest.
The wire fence surrounding the station had been pulled down and warped into a wavy horizon, making it tricky to step on. Toppled power poles and antenna lay slumped together, like two bodies crashing against one another after a night of heavy drinking. Severed distribution and transmission lines swayed in the gentle breeze, their exposed wires no longer sparking. The large circuit breakers, transformers, and regulators were now empty, dented boxes. Arresters and air-break switches were torn from the top of their constructs and thrown carelessly on the sandy ground. Thick black wires snaked along the dusty earth to the brick control house on the left. It was untouched during The Storm, which was likely part of the reason Garnet chose this particular station to reroute the power into the underground.
